Elephant Ass Barbie!

Okay this TOM of the month shit can depart anytime it gets ready.........let me tell you girls when the beast comes knocking she fucking knocks the door down!!! Between the usual ick of that whole thing, comes hormones from hell (way out of wack), a bloat that could kill an elephant and cramps, blahs and some insane cravings!!!

Last night after laying on the bed playing "Princess Barbie" complete with my royal duty of whining and bitching, I decided that I must have food........or I would become one armed Barbie or potentially Widow Barbie. I lay there moaning and Ken comes running to my side - "are you hungry, do you want me to fix you some food???" - now Ken's "babytalk voice" annoys the hell out of me and he knows this so he is not suprised when I roll my eyes and roll over. I tell him that what I want is mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese or chocolate or donuts or cake........his response is typical of most men.......well your body must need starch??? WTF - no Ken, sweetheart - my body wants comfort food - I don't feel good and I want to drown my cramps in a huge vat of pasta! I, of course, am thinking of a good alternative and I remember that I have some tofu spaghetti noodles and some powdered popcorn cheese - maybe this will satisfy the beast?? I lumber down the hall - I say lumber quite literally because bloat is a bitch - get to the kitchen and open the package of stinky noodles - god they stink and you would think that this would deter me but not so much! I rinse and par-boil my shirataki noodles (which I do like), steam some brocolli and sugar snap peas and prepare for what I assumed would be homeade mac and cheese at it's best. WRONG - no not just wrong but F'ing WRONG - it wasn't bad but face it..........fucking tofu does not taste like mac and cheese from when you were a kid - it ain't gonna happen, you can dress it up, color it purple, stand on your head and eat it but when you want creamy mac and cheese some damn powdered cheese and tofu noodles does not suffice!!! So I took three bites, got pissed and threw it out. I didn't care about food at that point but I really wanted mac and cheese.......I just knew that the creamy gooshiness of those squiggly noodles would drown all my troubles and chase away my blues........yeah right!! Again, Barbie lives in a bubble at times!

I did finally end up in bed drifting off to sleep, dreaming of food........I dream of food in great detail, I dream of eating cheetos in the bathtub and of eating one of those fried chicken, mashed potato, corn and gravy bowls from Kentucky Fried Chicken........I dream of tacos and burgers - can you tell I have a problem??? So in the midst of a food dream I awoke and was STARVING - no food all day makes Barbie very hungry. I again lumbered down the hall - the cats are still in hiding (see my last post about the trashbag!) so at least I didn't have to hurdle them. I make my way in to the kitchen and realize that this could be potentially dangerous........bad.......red lights all around........stop, don't do it, thank of your family Barbie, for the love of god and all that is holy - DON'T DO IT!!! There was no stopping me.........well I say that - I only ate half of a chocolate donut hole because those suckers are a whole point for freaking hole!!! This is the shit that is leftover from the donut and it is "expensive" - can't imagine what the whole damn thing would cost me! I rummaged around and ate a whole hodgepodge of crap........a container of sugar free jello, a few strawberries, a pudding cup, some squash and some gerber baby puffs.........jesus - not a bad night but far from nutritious. My only saving grace is that I had taken some Tylenol PM so I knew that I was in no shape to cook - had I been able to it would have been a mashed potato and macaroni & cheese fest!!!

I need to catch up with everyone but I have been insanely busy at work - in closing, it is absolutely amazing to me how much our bodies can change from one week to another. Last week I was exercising, knew that I was making some progress, feeling good and this week I feel like the ass of an elephant.......large and rough and stinky!!! It will pass and Barbie will be Barbie again soon......Ken may not live to see another day but Barbie's never die!!!!

Have a happy day and remember that even if I am Elephant Ass Barbie - I am still a Barbie damnit!!!!