This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Monday, July 30, 2007

Trixie Lives!!!

Okay guys - jesus christ what a day. I am absolutely beat down but I had to share my zany drunken Trixie story........what parts I can remember.

So it's Saturday evening and I have opted to head out on the town with some old friends - yeah they are drinkers thus creating the urge to drink in me when they are around!!! As utterly brilliant as you all think that I may be, I tend to lose total ability to think with any rationale when Trixie emerges. First I spent a few too many minutes in the tanning bed that morning so I was dreading a shower - secondly while reading all the Barbie Brigade blogs I decided that Trixie needed a new "do"...........shit - this is not a good idea. Yeah, I can look back now and with complete and utter confidence declare that I am a total idiot. What the hell was I thinking........sure, color your hair while paying absolutely NO attention to the clock......great one Barbie/Trixie!! So picture Trixie dressed to nine's in a plastic trashbag (my ghetto version of a salon cape) and undies........cute I know but no one was home except for the cats and scared the hell out of them. My most precious kitty ran from me in fact - not sure if it was the smell or the rustling trashbag that scared her off??? So I put the base color on my hair and proceed to sit my ass at my desk for an unknown amount of time - I look up and think SHIT - how long has this been on my hair???? On top of that, I am now officially running behind and still have "highlights" to put in my hair ala a mascara wand - who the fuck thought up that gadget??? So as I am attempting to wash the color out of my hair I get it in my eyes......at this point I am trying to wash out my eyes as I am now convinced that I will be permanently scarred or blind or both! About the only thing that I managed to succeed at doing was spraying down the whole kitchen - again the cats are freaking out to put it mildly!!!

I get the shit out of my eyes and then out of my hair and proceed with said highlights - let me just say that I broke the mf'ing mascara wand thinga-ma-bobber!! It was not nice nor pretty and long story short - my hair resembles a cherry that was attacked by an orange - picture burgundy base with large orange splotches throughout - not classy, not pretty and so not fucking Barbie like...........I am pissed now. I am alternating between hysterics and mania.......screaming and crying, thrashing around in my white Hefty bag (they do make em tough!!!) - my cats are never coming out again!!! I do the best I can - shower, makeup, pull the hair up (thanks to Dooney & Bourke Barbie) and slap on some clothes.......I am seriously thinking that a valium might be the ticket right about now but I only have 20 minutes to make an hour drive to meet my friends so I put off the relaxation until I get to the bar!

I turn into speed demon Barbie - like mario andretti - racing against time trying to get to my first glass of wine before I have a total Trixie meltdown! I must say that despite my hideous hair I looked very fly!!! I get to the bar and let me tell you Trixie showed up!!! It was great - I have spent the last 4 months being Stephanie in a suit for the most part and to be loud and proud Trixie was fantastic (it even caused some drunken crying on the way home - drunk, crying Trixie is UGLY - I prefer not to remember that scenario)......I had a blast, had 2 glasses of wine and was toasted - Trixie is a cheap date!!! By the time 10:00 showed up I knew that food was no longer optional - if I was going to not hurl on the way home then I had to eat.......it was not my idea of fun to be drunk, puking Trixie..........eeek!!! So as I'm sitting at the table I start shovelling in a piece of pizza and then another.........now this was an appetizer pizza so I'm not freaking about points or anything - they weren't huge pieces and even if they were - so what........real life does not revolve entirely around points and there are occasions when I have to let my Trixie hair down (actually due to the bad dye job I left it up but this is figuratively speaking)..........I ate my pizza and then the fun began......I insisted that I had to go to the grocery store right then - not just any grocery store but the one that is fancy schmancy and all the rich biotches shop at - not pretty - drunk Trixie convinces one of her drunk comrades to take her to the store (it was in the same parking lot so we weren't driving far) - we park the car (in approximately 3 spaces - thank god we didn't hit a SAAB!!!) and approach the store........I can barely walk - I take off my shoes - talk about class!!! You should have seen those people - I do get my feet done - biweekly pedicures so it's not like I'm walking around with eagle talons or anything! We ended up walking through the store for 20 minutes trying to locate a spaghetti squash.........imagine my reaction when i was finally informed that they didn't have any.......lets just say that drunk Trixie started up the water works. About the only thing I remember at this point was the horrified store clerk wondering what in the fuck he was gonna do with this barefoot, drunk chick and her gay guy friend who was talking about dressing up as Cher...........again, you might not wanna ask!! All in all it was a great night - I finally managed to make it home - thanks to the designated driver........woke up Sunday morning with a serious case of "OH MY GOD - WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT!!!" and then Ken rolled over and saw my hair and said "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT???"..........Ken has never been heard from again - no kidding - I actually said nothing, took a shower, brushed my teeth and went straight to hair place to get that shit fixed........it was a great night with bad hair, great gay friends, a bizarre shopping experience and too much wine!!! All was perfect except my cats still won't come near me!

I need to post more about the most recent craziness but I need to sign off here and rest some - oh on top of everything else that coulda, woulda happened to my drunk ass over the weekend - TOM showed up out of the blue and let me tell you Barbie's shit is broken for the most part so when she comes knocking she is usually pissed about something............the family is steering clear of me........hmmmm, maybe that's why the cats haven't come out??? LMAO - By the way, I have to get a good list together of Barbie's - there are so many now that I can't keep up.........I'm gonna work on that tomorrow maybe??? Oh and Swizzle - you are the first person to right your story out in Barbie lingo and I loved it!!!! That was so amazing and made me cry! I'm telling you we all need to join forces and write the Barbie manual or something - Swizzle's story is a great one and it inspired me - imagine what a whole collection of those could do for people!!! Barbie's RULE!!!

7 comments:

Swizzlepop said...

LMAO as usual. OMG the visuals. Just the laugh I needed before I head out and freak out while packing. Can we say lunatic packer traveling Barbie? I hope my mom has food for us because we don't have any and no time to cook. Only time to run around the house freaking out saying "say the list so that I know if I forgot anything!" (ps there is no actual list) Hopefully I'll be "normal" once we land, until of course the humidity from hell hits me. Stay tuned...

Amanda said...

I'm with swizzle...OMG the visuals! You are too hilarious! I needed this tonight. Thanks for the laugh!

WeightBGone said...

LMAO You never cease to crack me up. When you blog everything is so visual I feel as if I was there with you. I can just see you in that fancy schmancy store turning on the water works over the missing squash.

The rich biatches were standing around going "Darlin WTF is up with her"? You outdid yourself once again Steph!! Thanks for the laughs Barbie/Trixie/Steph whoever the f*ck you are. LOL

jodi said...

hi there, found your site, off another site (you know how it goes)... just wanted to say how utterly amazing you look in that photo - you're like a different person... i'm not sure how you did it but whatever it was, really kicked-ass... :o)

Melanie said...

Steph you crack me up girl! I love reading your blog!

NCChris said...

Those wandy highlight things are totally a waste of money!!! Do your base at home in the color of your choice and then hit a salon to get the highlights done...I think we have all learned a valuable lesson here! LOL

-Chris

Candace said...

Glad you had a good time. Wow on the highlights. Did that when I was 17 (less the mascara thingy's) and can we say NEVER AGAIN. Brassy red and orange for a week - ugh. I think my Mom was waiting for payday before taking me to the hairdresser to fix this, but at the time it just felt like the week was a lesson. I so feel for you and am sure Ken got the shock of his week, LOL.