This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Friday, June 29, 2007

My Dogs are Barking!!

God help me, being fergilicious ain't all it's cracked up to be..........swizzle - I think my toes are more than numb but never fear I shook it with all I had.......NO ONE would ever have known that my feet were begging for mercy! So what did all that shaking get me???? Let's see I got a whistle, a yell from a homeless guy, the crazy bunny lady was out today and I think she was trying to save my pour "hookered" up soul from hell and let us not forget the lady cop that asked me "so do you always wear a hard hat" - that one kinda freaked me out!!! And last but not least - drum roll please - my beast of a husband sent me roses........"the crowd sighs - ahhhhh". Yep, I was walking into the office and this kid (swear that flower shop is breaking some child labor laws) is bringing in roses - I kind of assumed they were for me - he is famous for realizing that he "married up" (those are his words) and that he hasn't be treating me like the royal princess that I am.......hehe!! He is typically a great guy and he really does love me with everything in him, I don't doubt that but sometimes he is such a, a, a, a GUY!!! God help - somedays he is totally oblivious to the fact that anyone else exists in this whole world.........just him and his computer - so he redeemed himself today. I called and asked why I got flowers and he said he was worried when he saw how I left the house this morning - he said 1 of 2 things was going on - either I was having a major mid-life crisis or I was on the prowl for another man..........see Trixie is a GOOD thing!!

So to put it mildly - SCREW YOU BARBIE!!! My Ken may not have as much hair as yours but he sent me flowers and HE ISN'T A EUNUCH!!

Okay so one piece of advice for ALL of my awesome, beautiful buddies around here - who cares what you THINK you look like (hell I've got a pannus!!) "SHAKE WHAT YO' MOMMA GAVE YA!!!!"

Did this work???

Just testing to see if the handy, dandy "Last 10" thingie-me-bob that Jo listed works on my page??? Hmmmm - guess time will tell?? By the way - My FEET hurt but not gonna think about that until after the construction site cause I got some shakin' to do!!! Be back soon!

Say My Name B!!

That is what Trixie said to Barbie this morning as she held her down and showed her who was boss - yep that's right girls!!! Got up this morning only to look in the mirror and think - ACK - what the hell happened to you last night - Barbie started in with her mantra of you look like you fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down........God the voices in my head - haha!! So I drug my self out of bed and got in the shower - feeling rather bloated and blech & then it HIT ME (no literally the damn soap holder fell off the wall and hit me in the head - YOW!) so I took that as a sign. I suddenly realized that while yes, I would love to have Barbie's perky boobs, tiny waist, toned plastic body and perfect bleach blonde hair, the best I got is Trixie in a pair of rhinestone jeans and a stiletto heeled boots so what did I do - I know you are all waiting in anticipation. I got out of the shower and marched to the closet to drag out my FERGILICIOUS OUTFIT!! Yep I am now sitting in my office on casual Friday wearing spike heeled boots, sparkly jeans, a scoop necked top and this really cute hat............I feel great but I look more like I'm going to the disco??? People are kind of staring and wondering "Where the Heck is Steph??" I don't give a damn though - today I ran over Barbie in my crappy old Chevy Impala and I made her shut her mouth!! Unfortunately, I realized when I got to the office that I have a few meetings that I have to walk to sooooooo Barbie may get the last laugh as I soak my feet in epsom salt tonight but for right now I feel like a million bucks - I may look more like a 5 dollar bill but I feel like million - haha!! Nothing like "hookering" it up to make you feel better about yourself - even the guy at the gas station paid me some extra attention - you got it, he tried extra hard to sell me one of those greasy bacon sandwiches that he prepares every morning, ewwww. And IF he didn't smell like bacon grease and look like he dipped his head in a vat of it, I might just be flattered........I'm kind of thinking that this guy is really desperate to sell bacon sandwiches but like I said, I'll take it anyway I can get it.

So I'm off to my first meeting at City Hall - this should be good. Then I'm off to a construction site - those trips are always fun cause those guys would whistle at ET coming down the road - so I'm figuring by the end of the day I will feel less like a used up soccer mom and more like ME and/or Trixie - either way, I just gotta get out of soccer mom mode and get back to loving my life.

Have a great day all - I'll be back to report on my feet soon!!

Thursday, June 28, 2007


So my good buddy the Chinese Food Addict totally made my day!!! Thank you sooooo much Collette for your encouraging words (BTW - I LOVE LOVE LOVE me some John Travolta.....mmmmm)! Okay so who woulda thunk that blogging would be so beneficial - certainly not me. I'm feeling much better now, thanks to the comments and just the ability to vent my frustration.

Funny story - this is true by the way.......I just looked out my office window and there is a woman standing on the street corner, dressed in a bunny suit, holding up a wooden cross. Okay so I live in Texas and it has been raining for like 6 weeks - it's still raining today.........and our humidity has officially made this the armpit of America. Now I'm just wondering what relevance the bunny suit has to the cross - not to mention that one of my officemates just came in to tell me that she is singing a very twisted rendition of Jesus Loves Me - WOW! Somedays I am constantly amazed at the lengths people will go for what they believe in - wearing a soaking wet bunny suit in 90 degree weather and holding up a cross - that is some dedication!!! Although I did do Tae Bo, wrapped in one of those sweat suits when I weighed over 300 pounds - talk about fact I blew out about a dozen pairs of those vinyl aka trashbag shorts - they didn't make a size big enough and lets face it girls Tae Bo and trashbag shorts is bad enough........thank God I only did that in my living room with the curtains drawn and when it was dark outside - in fact I probably should have put blankets over all the mirrors - OH THE HORROR!!! I guess we are all dedicated in our own ways??

I Want A Vacation - From My Life!!!

Arghhhhh - please forgive this post in advance - I am so completely frustrated that I am going to explode if I don't just write it down! First let me start by saying that I am incredibly blessed, really. I have a husband who thinks I'm a princess, a great 10 year old step-son and the most wonderful family that I could ask for BUT - YES BUT - The last few weeks have been torture to say the least!! You see with Summer break there are a slew of activities that the kiddo is involved in - unfortunately these all take a toll on mine and hubbys time together. I work Mon - Fri until 5:30 and typically the husband works the same general schedule. Well with all of the Summer activities he has been working nights to be able to keep the kid mobile. Now I'm a good sport and I am usually the one responsible for coming up with all of these great ideas but damn......come on - it has been like 5 weeks since my husband and I have done more than just pass in the hallway. He is gone when I get home and I'm asleep when he gets home.....this sucks!!! It would be different if we had been married for a zillion years but we haven't even hit 3 years yet so I still kind of like him! I know, I know - quit your damn whining and get a grip! Well to make matters worse - this whole not seeing each other is putting dear hubby in a "wonderful" (rolling my eyes) mood. Now mind you he was off work Sunday night and Monday night but he chose to play cards with the boys and hang out with his buddies - okay whatever - but don't bitch at me 2 days after the fact.......sorry I don't wanna hear it! Anyway, last night I made the mad dash to pick up my stepson and head to dinner with my in-laws (Wednesday ritual at which I don't eat but just sit and sip water while trying not to chew off my freakin arm - I mean we could pick a more helthy restaurant but NO we always end up at a Mexican restaurant). Hubby is at work - it is pourind down rain AGAIN so the streets are flooded.........I call hubby at work and ask how he is - he replies "life sucks" - well hell great to talk to you too! Geez, I said well I was thinking of making your favorite dinner tonight, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, pea salad, corn bread - this isn't fun as I had to go to the grocery store and then come home and cook this whole meal - which of course put off my dinner AGAIN. He responds with, "okay, whatever" - I just sat there stunned - okay well how about SCREW YOU!!! I know that meatloaf doesn't fix everything but crap - I'm trying here to do something nice for you and all I get is whatever. Needless to say I fixed the damn dinner and pouted the whole time. Rather than being a labor of love I got bitter about it.........bitterness is such a waste of time too!!

Don't know girls - sometimes I just want a break from it all - WOW - I feel so overwhelmed with the wife and parenting duties! So I didn't do great on my eating last night - it's that getting up in the middle of the night thing - I have to break that habit!!! It could have also been the smell of meatloaf and mashed potatoes wafting through my house on a paticularly stormy night when I was feeling really used up and unappreciated.......geez, can you hear the violing playing for me!! So I got sucker punched by the comfort food - just a few bites here and there but then of course I ate my usual dinner too so basically I just ate to be eating.

On a good note - I did get my jiggly butt out and walk yesterday - go me!! I did stairs and took three walks - somedays you gotta get in the exercise where you know. I am anxious to weigh on Saturday and I hope that the scale is good to me. I really need to feel like I'm on track and working in the right direction. I also really need to start taking some time for me and get back to working on my pitiful self image.....must make that a priority.

Sorry my blogs have been so BORING lately - I gotta find Trixie and pull her out - she was always fun and good for a laugh!

Talk to you later

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I'm Fixed!!!

Thank you all for emailing me and letting me know that my blog thingie was broken........I'm fixed now so you can leave comments all you want!

On to more exciting stuff - so yesterday was a fairly good day OP. I walked 15 flights of stairs and did some power walking for about 25 minutes. My trip to the gym was cancelled because of extreme rain and flooding - I thought I was going to need an ark to get home!! So I felt really good about my movement and eating - then I stepped on the scale and thank GOD it read 5 pounds less than Saturday. I knew that I was retaining a lot of water when I stepped on the scale but when you put on your pants and they are too tight you just have to wonder WTF???!!! I absolutely hate the fact that the scale has so much impact on my life - I'm talking make or break a day for me - total freak out - meltdown mode! That cannot be a good thing. At the same time isn't it amazing how motivated we become when the scale is headed down?? Suddenly last night I was over my constant craving for chocolate and peanut butter - I no longer felt compelled to devour every last marshmallow in the box of Lucky Charms (yes, I pick them out of my kid's cereal - it's really bad when he pours a bowl and doesn't get one marshmallow.......kind of hard to explain that the Leprechaun forgot about his box!!). I was instantly okay - content to read a book and not think about food. I can't remember the last time I didn't think about food..........huh, what??? I LOVE food - what happened here?? Well rather than feeling fat and ugly I felt thin and beautiful.........I still want to lose like 10 pounds to hit my ultimate personal goal but because I was back in my comfort zone I could think like a thin person - I just don't get it??

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Owning the Number???

Okay now that we have rebuilt and gathered together I feel the need to confess......actually I should stand up and say "Hi, my name is Stephanie and I'm a foodaholic" - really! Things have gotten a bit out of control over the last few months. I'm not making excuses but between a job change, a major illness in our family and just plain laziness on my part I have managed to put on 10 pounds!!! That not only puts me at the TOP of my comfortable weight but also puts me in FREAK OUT mode!!! Weight is a very touchy subject for me and being over where I like to be is even more touchy so rather than be lax in my commitment to myself I am going to do something about it - now I did go to the gym on Saturday and I have survived a whole 13 minutes on the elliptical machine - trust me that is a big deal cause after 4 minutes I WANTED OFF that torture chamber from hell. People say "I love the elliptical machine" yeah right - I love cutting off my fingers, please??!! So here I am sweating like a pig on this machine - all the while an infomercial for some kitchen gadget (that makes souffles in 7 minutes) is playing on the tv set. It was not fun - there was no euphoria afterwards - I didn't resemble that cute, bubbly, "glowing" gym bunny at all! Rather I appeared to be a jiggly, middle aged mother that was in the process of going into cardiac arrest while salivating over some microwaved souffle.........just not a pretty sight! BUT all that said - I am going back tonight..........oh god my thighs are screaming out for mercy even as I type this! I am also commiting to eating in moderation - as I have mentioned previously, moderation is not something that I'm good at! I am an all or nothing girl in just about every aspect of my life so switching my mindset will be tough but will be worth it.........if I can live with the "mental" hunger for a few days then I know I can get back on track! The problem is that I am not usually terribly hungry for dinner but feel like I've barely eaten anything all day so I have to eat - then I end up overeating..........God it's a vicious cycle!!!

So as of today I am going to start posting my food log, exercise log and water intake - the weekends may be more challenging because I rarely get on the computer but I have to make this a priority - luckily I know what works for me so now I just have to make myself get motivated!!! The thing that makes me sad is that I didn't put on 10 pounds by eating fast food or ice cream but rather by eating too many veggies and too many diet foods.........yeah, it is a sad reality but you CAN gain weight just by eating too much food - it all has calories. I hate to think what I would look like had I applied my fast food eating habits with my recent quantities - oh dear would be 30 pounds rather than 10!! YIKES!

So wish me luck - you girls are all soooo inspiring and if I can be of any help to anyone please let me know! By the way that is my magazine cover - I had such a blast on the trip and photo shoot!

Monday, June 25, 2007

First Post - REPOSTED

Yes - this is my first official WeightWatchen Blog but my umpteenth “first” blog. I seem to be really great at getting started but then fizzling out shortly after. Why……hmmm, I can think of a million reasons why like I don’t have time, I get bored, I am boring but in reality it is just that I get lazy. I get tired of tracking and obsessing - well actually I obsess without even thinking about it!! You see I went from 385 pounds to 140 pounds - yes, I am very proud of my accomplishment and yes, I realize that I am so much better off than I was BUT my brain and self image are still at 385 pounds. Some people chuckle when I say this but it has become a very serious self image issue. I seriously thought that as soon as I lost the weight that everything else would fall into place - Barbie would emerge from her cocoon of fat…..equipped with her pink corvette, perfect hair, lavish wardrobe and Ken doll in tow……….well, hmmmm, not so much. Rather than emerging a beautiful butterfly I have had to drag my tired, blubbery body to the finish line……….I am proud to be here regardless of the multiple brusies and gashes that I encountered along the way BUT there is no way that I am a butterfly or a Barbie. Hell I’m doing good to be a replica of Barbie’s disfigured cousin - rather than being Ken’s dream girl I look like GI Joe took a hand grenade to my belly……….nothing that a little clothing can’t cover up but it still isn’t the way that I imagined it……..I mean surely I would end up in a bikini on a tropical beach somewhere - being served fruity drinks by adoring men???? Nope - I’m still the girl wearing sweat pants to the beach. Fruity drinks - yeah right - can you say CALORIE OVERLOAD - the closest I get to fruity anything is an apple or a handful of strawberries.
I guess all in all I started this little journal/blog to give myself a forum to vent, stay accountable and hopefully offer/receive advice and friendship. Thanks for reading if you got this far. Make sure to check back cause my next post will prove to be full of fun and fascinating facts on sagging skin - I can hear the oooh’s and ahhh’s from the crowd!! Seriously it isn’t pretty to talk about but you know you wanna know the real deal~!

The Saga of Sister Sag - Recap

Hello all! I am so glad that today is Friday and I have the weekend to look forward to. I am also glad that I didn’t dip into the cold mac N cheese last night - I did sneak an oatmeal raisin cookie though - damn those cookies!! Today is a beautiful day - a little warm but at least the sun is shining. I have to admit that I’m feeling a little melancholy today - it’s just one of those days where I feel enormous - you know the days when your pants seem too tight and you just feel like Big Bertha! My thighs seem to jiggly, my belly too squishy, my ass too saggy and my pannus - well don’t even ask!!!
So is anyone wondering what a pannus is??? No it isn’t a third eyeball growing out of my forehead but rather the lovely “apron of skin” that I have left from my weight loss. Now let me preface my complaint by saying that I am much healthier now after losing 245 pounds and I feel soooo much better. I also have to say that I am blessed that my skin issues are not as severe as most who have lost the same amount of weight as I have, in fact if someone didn’t know me before they usually have no idea that I was overweight - they see previous pictures and don’t believe it’s me (I need to post some pictures soon) and I don’t get the occassional “You’re hot” from the guy who sells bingo cards at the bingo hall where my in-laws play bingo every Friday night - now girls - what more could you ask for than for a bingo card seller boy to hit on you????!! Okay back to my skin issues………I hate it……….it makes my life very difficult because it has a really negative effect on my self image. I look at my triceps or the “bat wings” that they are - I look at my squishy inner thighs and my saggy butt, the flaps and folds of former fat and I want to cry. This is NOT how Barbie is supposed to look - damnit!! But then I guess my 2001 Chevy Impala and my house with a raccoon infestation are far cries from her mode of transportation and her living quarters???? SO yes I have some sags and bags - I drink a ton of water and I know that helped some - I also do sporadic exercise……if you read my posts then you know that I’m not a huge fan of sweating!! I’m thinking my next step may be surgery……….nothing more than surgery to remove the skin…….that in itself is pretty extensive and can be a little risky - I had no idea that my belly butt (that’s is my affectionate pet name for the “apron̶ contained some many major vessels and arteries. The stuff that I have read on this type of surgery (it’s different than a tummy tuck) has listed a lot of benefits but also some scary stuff - so who knows…………I do want to have a baby first - one baby and then my baby making factory is closed so I will be free to get whatever surgeries that I want or feel I need.
Until surgery can be done I need to focus on realizing that my self worth is not tied up in my physical appearance. The hard part about that is society - they make it so hard to love yourself based on who you are on the inside - I mean seriously, the pretty people of the world get treated like a different class of people! I have experienced this first hand - I used to walk into a room and people wouldn’t even look at me (unless they were gawking) - I was a great person, fun, friendly, sweet but fat - now I walk into a room and there are the same people falling over themselves to speak to me - the bad thing is that now I am not nearly as nice or friendly - I’m more brassy and bold! Maybe even a little bitter?? Hell I would go so far to say that I would almost run over some of those morons in my pink Barbie Vette’!!
All right - I gotta cut myself off now - I’m getting all worked up! Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I’m hoping to get some pictures and some recipes posted around here soon - my pad is kinda bare!!

Just BLOATING Through Life - Retake

Just BLOATING Through Life!21 06 2007
First off this is day 3 of blogging - yeah me! I’m pretty proud of that because it really is a great release for me and proves that I CAN stick to it! In fact I have thought of a zillion things to write about but will keep them in reserve and just release a little each day - that way I don’t get bored and stop writing. By the way - one of my goals for life is to write a book………I know it may sound corny but it is something that I WILL do at some point - even if no one reads it - I’m doing it primarily for myself anyway!
Okay so on to the bloat issue - every morning I wake up with this awful bloated belly. Now in all honestly I can attribute a large part of this to the large meal that I eat right before bed. Yes, I know - bad habit but I get so busy in the evenings that by the time I can sit down and eat it is almost bed time. I don’t eat bad food, well unless you count the 2 chocolate chip cookies that I sneaked last night - hehe! Really I eat fresh veggies and some sort of protein (tofu/egg whites). The problem is that I eat past satisfied and I know that this causes some of my belly bulge in the a.m. I also started a new job about 3 months ago and in the process have managed to gain about 10 pounds!!!
I know that 10 pounds doesn’t sound like a big deal to some people but it does horrible things to my mental state and let’s face it - regardless of how good you look and how slim you are, if you are going to jump off the parking garage to your untimely death then 10 pounds is a big deal! I guess the fact that you would consider jumping over 10 pounds is a big deal too - lol!
So my goals for today are:
1. Eat light for dinner and at least 2 hours before bed - make it a priority!
2. Take a walk at some point during the day - even if it is a short one - I really have to start making more time for this kind of thing! Geez, if I only liked it???
3. Come back and write my promised review of saggy skin - I really feel the need to work through this issue so if everyone could just humor me for a bit I would appreciate it.
4. No binging on vegetables - good God, holy moly, what is my issue. Seriously - why is it that I feel the need to sit down and eat a bag of carrots through to the end……..swear to you my fingers are going to turn orange. Or what about the half a head of cauliflower that I consume………I mean, really, at some point cauliflower does lose it’s appeal but my brain doesn’t seem to mind that. I realize that eating green beans rather than jelly beans is a plus but like I said - binging on beans is as bad as binging on anything else because it still proves my distorted relationship to food!
Oh I guess since I am setting goals I should confess too - I made mac N cheese for the kiddo’s lunch today - I did soooooooooo good while making it but at 5:00 a.m. my insomnia kicked in and I decided that cold macaroni, straight out of the fridge was exactly what would rescue me from the evil clutches of insomnia……….so I went to the fridge, opened up the container and dug my fingers into the squishy goodness that is cold, generic, boxed mac and cheese - ick!! I dug around and shoveled a few bites in before realizing that I wouldn’t feed a friend cold mac and cheese nor would I eat this way in front of ANYONE so I had to stop - this was not healthy - I said STOP - did you hear me???? For the love of all that is holy, step away from the tub o’ cheese………….finally my brain caught up and I replaced the lid and slid the bowl back in the fridge. I washed my hands, put my girl panties back on, took my self inflicted scolding, slipped back into bed and then gave myself a pat on the back for not consuming more than a few rubbery noodles. Today is a new day and I’ll try to remember that I’m human and for some reason the “you are not a human garbage can” button is not operating in my brain. My “you’re full” valve has been broken for a bit so I have to remember to pay attention - if my bloated belly can’t tell me to stop then my blemished brain will have to pick up the slack for a bit - so that’s the story.
Gotta run off to meetings but never fear - Sister Saggy Pants will be back to share her saga of stretch marks and sags!!!