Okay so it is officially f'ing Friday the 13th.........jesus - first of all - my power was out last night at home so on top of the insanity that usually runs through my house, I had to deal with sweat rolling down my ass while I was trying to update on everyone's day.......nothing like your ass sticking to fake leather to make you feel ultra sexy......yuck! So I bring in my packages - hubby makes no noise which is a good idea for him and proceed to plan out my Friday - never thinking that it is going to be Friday the 13th.
So Friday the 13th is here – lets see how does it start – the alarm clock not going off…..yeah – so now we have Barbie hookered up with unwashed hair – this is not attractive. I go running out the front door shoes in hand and throw everything I own in with me – I have thrown my makeup, jewelry and shoes all in my briefcase at breakneck speed thinking I’ll do it on the way – you see I had a meeting at 9 with a building inspector……..in this city you have to break arms to get meetings so missing it wasn’t an option – only problem was that it started at 9 and I woke up at 8:30 – drive time is approx. 30 minutes…..odds are I’m gonna be late! So I’m in the car – when I discover that I have spilled eyeshadow all in my briefcase – great, spec-f’ing-tacular…….now my hand is covered in purple powder – this should be cute. I get to City Hall without hurling myself through a plate glass window or cutting my wrist and begin the mad dash to this guys office……..of course I am also carrying blueprints, briefcase complete with purple handprints and trying to put on earrings. I get to this dude’s office and he is OLD with a capital O – he is unimpressed by my Trixie attire, my purple hands and my inability to be on time. Shit there goes my hope of getting him to push my plans through. I make small talk – chit chat – try to explain that I am not a total flake but rather a nearly middle aged woman with obsessive compulsive tendencies towards food, a personality disorder and an insane sadness at the fact that I cannot get pregnant thus become fat again………jesus – this guy thinks I’m a damn loon. The meeting lasted 15 minutes at the most – of course with me being late it is 9:30 – I have to make the trek back to my office to prepare for a 10:00 meeting sooooo I go bolting up the stairs, down the sidewalk, to the car and race to my office – I walk in and my next appt. is showing up – he looks me up and down…….he starts to drool and I realize that I am going to be trapped in a room with this disgusting creature for 2 hours or more…….GREAT! Where is the preaching bunny lady when you need her??
Long story short – the meeting location changes to 6 blocks down the street – so off I go with “Larry the Cableguy” in tow – this guy is so gross that he insists on letting me walk in front of him……how crude can you be. Now normally I blow that stuff off but this guy is a consultant that works for me – he is dressed in a cheap suit and wearing cowboy boots that are more pointy than my stiletto heels – Christ this guy looks like JR Ewing……we get to the meeting and it is fairly uneventful – the trip back to my office is a classic though – it starts to rain……yep – rain – my response to the rain sounds something like “Son of a Bitch” – JR is loving the fact that my shirt is white and my umbrella is in my office – he makes not move to try to speed up his pace…….he is either enjoying the show or those stupid fucking boots have cut off the circulation to his legs??? So I’m running through downtown, soaking wet, picture Barbie with unwashed, now wet hair – doesn’t make for a pretty sight……I did however get rid of the purple eyeshadow issue! SO I’m running – attempting to salvage any dignity and clothing coverage that I can…….when what next happens??? My heel gets stuck in a grate in the sidewalk……..yes girls, picture Barbie flat on her face wondering “Where the fuck did my shoe go??” Ferdinand aka JR is looking down at me on the sidewalk – I’m sure he was attempting to look up my skirt but regardless – this mf’er never offers me a hand but rather stares like he is dazed……..so I get up and attempt to pull together any shred of dignity that I may have left – it’s lunchtime people are looking out of restaurants wondering what the hell is wrong with that chick?? I attempt to put my shoe back on but the heel is stuck in the grate…..I should leave it there but then I’m going to look like a total gimp as I try to walk 4 more blocks with one shoe on and one shoe off – in the end I manage to yank, pull and wrestle my shoe out of the man eating grate in the sidewalk – I’m sure that I showed my ass to half of downtown and surely Ferdinand saw it with as hard as he was looking………I’m feeling a little less than Fergilicious and GLAMOROUS – more like Barbie in a broke down El Camino trying to hitch a ride on the wrong side of town – God what did I expect on Friday the 13th??