This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Friday, July 13, 2007

The Trials of Trixe - Part 1

Okay so it is officially f'ing Friday the 13th.........jesus - first of all - my power was out last night at home so on top of the insanity that usually runs through my house, I had to deal with sweat rolling down my ass while I was trying to update on everyone's day.......nothing like your ass sticking to fake leather to make you feel ultra sexy......yuck! So I bring in my packages - hubby makes no noise which is a good idea for him and proceed to plan out my Friday - never thinking that it is going to be Friday the 13th.

So Friday the 13th is here – lets see how does it start – the alarm clock not going off…..yeah – so now we have Barbie hookered up with unwashed hair – this is not attractive. I go running out the front door shoes in hand and throw everything I own in with me – I have thrown my makeup, jewelry and shoes all in my briefcase at breakneck speed thinking I’ll do it on the way – you see I had a meeting at 9 with a building inspector…… this city you have to break arms to get meetings so missing it wasn’t an option – only problem was that it started at 9 and I woke up at 8:30 – drive time is approx. 30 minutes…..odds are I’m gonna be late! So I’m in the car – when I discover that I have spilled eyeshadow all in my briefcase – great, spec-f’ing-tacular…….now my hand is covered in purple powder – this should be cute. I get to City Hall without hurling myself through a plate glass window or cutting my wrist and begin the mad dash to this guys office……..of course I am also carrying blueprints, briefcase complete with purple handprints and trying to put on earrings. I get to this dude’s office and he is OLD with a capital O – he is unimpressed by my Trixie attire, my purple hands and my inability to be on time. Shit there goes my hope of getting him to push my plans through. I make small talk – chit chat – try to explain that I am not a total flake but rather a nearly middle aged woman with obsessive compulsive tendencies towards food, a personality disorder and an insane sadness at the fact that I cannot get pregnant thus become fat again………jesus – this guy thinks I’m a damn loon. The meeting lasted 15 minutes at the most – of course with me being late it is 9:30 – I have to make the trek back to my office to prepare for a 10:00 meeting sooooo I go bolting up the stairs, down the sidewalk, to the car and race to my office – I walk in and my next appt. is showing up – he looks me up and down…….he starts to drool and I realize that I am going to be trapped in a room with this disgusting creature for 2 hours or more…….GREAT! Where is the preaching bunny lady when you need her??

Long story short – the meeting location changes to 6 blocks down the street – so off I go with “Larry the Cableguy” in tow – this guy is so gross that he insists on letting me walk in front of him……how crude can you be. Now normally I blow that stuff off but this guy is a consultant that works for me – he is dressed in a cheap suit and wearing cowboy boots that are more pointy than my stiletto heels – Christ this guy looks like JR Ewing……we get to the meeting and it is fairly uneventful – the trip back to my office is a classic though – it starts to rain……yep – rain – my response to the rain sounds something like “Son of a Bitch” – JR is loving the fact that my shirt is white and my umbrella is in my office – he makes not move to try to speed up his pace…….he is either enjoying the show or those stupid fucking boots have cut off the circulation to his legs??? So I’m running through downtown, soaking wet, picture Barbie with unwashed, now wet hair – doesn’t make for a pretty sight……I did however get rid of the purple eyeshadow issue! SO I’m running – attempting to salvage any dignity and clothing coverage that I can…….when what next happens??? My heel gets stuck in a grate in the sidewalk……..yes girls, picture Barbie flat on her face wondering “Where the fuck did my shoe go??” Ferdinand aka JR is looking down at me on the sidewalk – I’m sure he was attempting to look up my skirt but regardless – this mf’er never offers me a hand but rather stares like he is dazed…… I get up and attempt to pull together any shred of dignity that I may have left – it’s lunchtime people are looking out of restaurants wondering what the hell is wrong with that chick?? I attempt to put my shoe back on but the heel is stuck in the grate…..I should leave it there but then I’m going to look like a total gimp as I try to walk 4 more blocks with one shoe on and one shoe off – in the end I manage to yank, pull and wrestle my shoe out of the man eating grate in the sidewalk – I’m sure that I showed my ass to half of downtown and surely Ferdinand saw it with as hard as he was looking………I’m feeling a little less than Fergilicious and GLAMOROUS – more like Barbie in a broke down El Camino trying to hitch a ride on the wrong side of town – God what did I expect on Friday the 13th??


Diet Coke and Zingers said...

In a couple of days you'll be laughing about all of this... me on the other hand, I can laugh today...

Glad you're back and blogging... And by the way, when you do get pregnant, you're going to have to name the baby Skipper.

MMalloy said...

WOW...what a day, I hate running late and when you had plans to show off a new outfit...what are the chances.
I have stayed in my little, but safe construction trailer all day so far in an attempt to hide from the curse of Friday the 13th!!!
We have a double date tonight so chances are my luck is running low and sure to be on 'E' by the time we meet up with the "perfect couple".
I hope the rest of the day goes better, can't wait for the update!

Candace said...

LOL, the girls here are surely wondering what I've been giggling about. I think you'd better lock Trixie up and just take her out for evenings at home:0)

Swizzlepop said...

You are determined to make me pee my pants and fall out of my chair at work aren't you?!

Am I the only one who loves Friday the 13th? I'm convinced that if people thought of it as a positive date it would be. But maybe that's just me.

Your Trixie stories make me want a second identity too? Not quite yet but for when I loose a bit more and start busting out the "Trixie" outfits daily (I love me a school girl/hot for teacher outfit that works at the office LOL).

Sorry your day didn't start out or go very well but you made your adoring fans laugh! That's gotta count for something.

And next time you meet with Jr. The CableGrossness, tell him that you want HIM to walk in front of you. The view may not be good but it will put him in his place. Nothing like making a guy feel like a piece of meet to watch them squirm!

Swizzlepop said...

PS you are NOT middle aged your 28! I call middle age to be mid 40s.

Colette said...

OMG...I am laughing so hard right now I can hardly type..LOL. I am fixing to go meet the girls to walk and I will be back later. I definately have to post a comment on here later...LOL

BB said...

Sorry you had a bad day, but the way you wrote about it was hilarious! It should be the 14th soon!

WeightBGone said...

ROFLMFAO Like I told Colette between her blogs and yours I laugh so damn hard my hubby throws twinkies at me thinking im going hysterical from food deficiency.

You two make my day I get up in the morning and stumble over to the computer just to see if either of you have blogged yet. Thanks for making me laugh. Hope your weekend goes better than your day did. :)

Colette said...

Damn Steph do you see a pattern here? Every time you wear a "hookerish" outfit something happens...LOL Girl I am just SO GLAD you don't have a night JOB!! hehe

I swear I would love to just hang with you for the day...oh can you see it? We'd change our names to Thelma and Louise...and Dallas would never be the same again!! ROTFLMAO....

Hang in there girl, I know days like that can suck and lord knows we have all had them so just remember your not alone.

Melanie said...

I love reading your blogs! Sorry yesterday was so hellish!