MMMMMMMMM - nothing like a meltdown Barbie style! I know I promised a brief synopsis of who is who in my wacked out world but last night sort of sent me spiraling into a black abyss of unknown. So I felt really good yesterday - I walked and let me say, Barbie was moving girls! I was out on the street and working it so hard that it was ALL jiggling......didn't care - I was on a mission to get my heartrate up.....I have no idea why I felt so inspired but I did so I ran with it. Okay I get the walk in, I get out of the office and head home in the freaking pouring down rain but still okay. I walk through the door and Ken, adorable as he can be somedays, is trying to be sweet and hang out with me while I make his dinner. We start having a "discussion" turns into an argument and he stalks off to get on his computer - I resort to taking him his dinner to the bedroom so he doesn't have to move from his damn poker game - arghhhhhh..........I feel the hormones raging, I know it's coming and I should have taken another walk but it was raining. I stomp off ranting something about how much I loved being a waitress - Ken has wised up over the years and just doesn't respond! Okay girls now I know that this isn't that exciting yet but here is where the fun really begins.........cell phone rings.......I answer not really in the mood to talk to anybody but it is my best friend so shit - I gotta answer. Wasn't my best friend but her daughter "A" - now A is 20 and just had a baby in January........i was a little bitter then, simply because it really didn't seem fair that this kid that I helped raise was having a baby of her own and I wasn't, but I was supportive and there through the WHOLE thing. So A is on the phone - she asks if I'm sitting down.....yep, am now. Guess what, she says - mmmmmmm, don't know A, what? I'm pregnant.............I swear to God I dropped the f*cking phone - I was a bit speechless - okay a lot speechless. We chatted for a few minutes and I'm still in a daze - I get off the phone and head straight for the bathroom. This is my sanctuary.........typically it is the only damn room in the house in which I can get some peace.
I enter the bathroom and slide down the wall.........shit - damn concrete walls - sooooooo uncomfortable - so I prop a 6 pack of toilet paper behind my back and proceed to throw a big fat, melt down, Barbie style pity party. Complete with tears, running mascara, snot, sobbing, convulsing and other assorted ammenities - jeez you would have thought that I had just heard about someone dying, but for me in that moment, I felt a little piece of hope dying.........don't know why it hit me so hard but I just kept thinking DAMNIT THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!!
Now fast forward to the end of the lamenting, wailing, weeping and gnashing of teeth.......I had finished thrashing around on the floor and cleaned up the green pea soup that I had spewed out only to discover that the only real antidote for my recent onset of mental illness would be chocolate - now I don't keep chocolate in the house for this reason.........just don't, not chocolate chips, not hershey kisses, nothing - I know it's a bad thing - lethal - I'm a junkie and I can't just have one hit of crack! So I'm thinking - no way in hell I'm going out at this point looking like a devil's reject and hubby is pretty much out of the question since he has been sitting outside the bathroom door for 45 minutes wondering what in the F**k is wrong with me........was I that upset about cooking his dinner??? Shit - what am I going to do now........hmmmmm.......think Barbie, think!! Well I have some chocolate Ex-Lax that I took last year when I was well - you know why you take Ex Lax - that would take care of the chocolate craving but the after effects of that are just not pretty - I can't possibly think that is a solution! Hell, I ate all of the Nesquick choco powder that I bought for the kid.......yep, I did, spoonful by spoonful - hence, the reason I refuse to buy chocolate........who else eats Nesquick powder - okay actually it is really good but can be a bit messy.......my poor son really misses chocolate milk! The only other chocolate bit that I can imagine having is some sugar free, instant pudding mix - could I, should I, would I..........hell yeah I would, could, should - at this point it could be the difference between Ken living to see another day or not! I slide back up the wall and stand up, wobbly legged - damn foot is asleep, the toilet paper is crushed - crap I just bought that too and it's the good stuff - now the rolls won't even fit on the holder - shit! I look in the mirror to survey the damage done to my face - I look like the victim of car accident.........blotchy skin, swollen eyes, in short I look like hell - there is even snot in my hair........I am looking real classy at this point! I start to plan my attack.........I turn the lock on the bathroom door and attempt to turn the handle........okay, I turn the lock on the bathroom door and attempt to turn the handle........hmmmm, lets try this one more time, I turn the lock on the bathroom door and attempt to turn the handle - ummm, WTF - at this point I am convinced that Ken has come to the conclusion that I really am insane and he has proceeded to lock me in the bathroom until the looney bin arrives - I feel the tears again.........not out of panic or frustration but DAMNIT if I don't get some chocolate soon I'm going really lose it! Ken comes to rescue and opens the door - kisses me, tells me he loves me and quickly realizes that I have no time for him and do not require his attention - yeah, yeah babe, love you too now please move.........he nods his head in understanding........he knows that I am running straight to the place where things begin and end for me..........the "by the hour motel" so to speak where I can lose myself - now please don't have pity or sympathy for me......this is real and really bad - the fact that I will run into the arms of my kitchen lover rather than that of a real live person is a problem - I know this, I have read the damn self help books, can spot a binge and walk through the "step away from the fridge" steps.........I have tried to busy myself with projects and "discover" my inner child and her reasons for using food as comfort but looks, facts are facts - I was upset, I didn't give a shit, I tied the inner child up and in my reasoning, I realized that knitting fucking christmas stockings was NOT going to take my mind off chocolate!
I get to the kitchen, almost tripping over not one but both of my cats - I swear they are so smart sometimes but at other times they have no idea how close they come to death!! Finally I have reached the promise land........the land where chips and cookies flow - I open the cabinet - hmmmmm, lets see what do we have here - cheese puffs - ick, pork rinds - god help me - blek - there it is, in the back (quivering in fear, what are you gonna do to me - the box asks) - my evil grin gives away my intentions......at this point the screams and shreaks for JELLO are no more for me - I don't hear them - just the blood rushing my ears - I tear open the box and then the package (at which point it shoots all over the damn counter tops - screw it I'll clean it later)........I see the fine powder, groping for a spoon, can't get the drawer open.......damn drawer, damn house, finally it breaks lose - I grab the spoon (oh yeah this calls for a big one - tablespoon) - I'm so sorry Mr Chocolate Pudding but my hurt and anger must be absolved - someone must pay for the infertility that I face and that someone is you. I stick the spoon in - not slowly - I am not trying to be gently but rather I am intent on pulling out the slightly greyish powder???? - isn't this chocolate??? - for a fleeting moment I wonder "just how old is this shit".........I pull the powder up to my lips and then I remember that in one of my zillion self help books it says to be aware of what you are eating - why the hell I took this moment to remember that, I will never know - but I stopped for a simple second and inhaled............awwwww, smell the chocolatey goodness - oh wait, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD, IT BURNS, IT BURNS - I cannot believe that I was stupid enough to SNORT chocolate pudding mix up my freaking nose...........does anyone have any idea how much that crap burns - that stuff could have been boric acid for all I knew.........not only did I sniff it but I snorted it.........I'm talking huge inhale - swear to god in heaven that I could feel the tiny pudding particles riding up into my sinus cavities, down into my throat - I thought I was going to choke, I'm sputtering and coughing - blowing chocolately snot all over my damn kitchen - poor Ken - he comes running in, probably thinking that I have just swallowed a gallon of bleach only to find grey powder everywhere.......brown shit running out of my now, I'm choking, eyes watering........he thinks I need the freaking Heimlich (sp) manuever - God I was humiliated!!!
So I spent the rest of the night trying to sleep sitting semi upright because, and please take note, snot and pudding mix create really thick snot! Even this morning I am feeling the sinus drainage and getting sick all over again!!! So please, please pass this word on to your friends, children, family - JUST SAY NO TO PUDDING MIX!!! It isn't worth it!! Next time I'm eating the Ex-Lax!