This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Okay - I'm Having an Affair!!!

Yep - that is exactly how it happened Officer!

Shit is all I can say - so I have to start this story out with a little confession............ummmm, how can I say this delicately........uhhhhh - well see I'm, a, yeah I'm a food sneak - there - I said it - it's out - I feel much lighter now! So yes, I am the constant offender of sticking my fingers into bowls and pulling out small bites and licks - I shouldn't and for the most part I show some restraint and know my weakness so I put leftovers and goodies in the garage fridge - I know sad isn't it!

So last night I couldn't sleep - I tossed and turned and basically was feeling the sweat trickle down my back (damn A/C) and thought I am dying - I swear to you it was so damn hot that I was seriously considering sleeping in my you also have to know that I take medicine to sleep so anytime after say, 10:00 I am basically incoherent - I'm talking almost drooling and walking like a drunk........proof of this would be last night I put on my nightgown AFTER taking my meds and I put it on inside out - well by the time I realized it there was no getting it off AND back on and as much as hubby would like it - I ain't sleep naked - Barbie ain't built like that!! So back to my story - I creep out of bed - totally innocent at this point - not wanting to wake hubby. I tiptoe down the hallway trying to maneouver around the cats who insist on laying completely sprawled out on their back thus blocking any passage down the hall (they have no idea how close to death this brings them - in my drunken state I could easily stumble and potentially crush one of them or just paralyze them for life - do they make cat wheelchairs in pink?) So I get out the door and head for the garage - at this point I'd be lying if I said that I didn't know why I was going out there - hell who am I kidding - what woman hangs out in her garage at 1:00 a.m. - so I'm trying to be stupid but I have already plotted out my plan - mmmmmm there is banana pudding in that fridge and it is calling my name - I pull open the door and I swear to you the f'ing hallelujah chorus is going off - now I've have planned this whole love affair out but I have neglected to bring a spoon - shit isn't that how it always happens - oops sorry babe I forgot a condom - 9 months later you're knocked up with the postman's baby all the while trying to explain to the hubby why in the hell "his" baby has brown eyes and you both have blue??? Okay sorry back to the story - so I tear off the lid with total abandon - I don't care if get pregnant with a vanilla wafers baby - damnit - it doesn't matter to me what others think........I need this - I want this - I dig a finger in..........pull out a cookie and EAT IT.........we didn't just do it once but 4 or 5 times - each time with more fever and passion that the first!!! It was bliss (I would say I felt alive but actually I felt drunk that isn't applicable here) and then suddenly I hear the door creak open - shit - oh my god - cover it up - hurry - what have I done - how did he find us???? My first instinct is to hide and slam the door shut - hubby comes in laughing his ass off (knowing exactly what I've been doing) but laughing at the fact that I am trying to hide 4 fingers that are completely covered in pudding.........jesus - how did that get there.........where am I - yeah that is my futile attempt at pretending to be sleep walking. He knows, I know he knows and I'm mortified...........I say nothing - what is left to say - fingers don't lie - the truth is out - now I must rebuild but first I must sleep..........hubby smokes and then we go to bed. He holds me and tells me it will be all right and to go wash my hands - yeah, not only did I cheat but I also smeared the mess all over my pillow in my drunken haze...........a lasting reminder of what I did.

My next question is: Will be caught keep me away?? For a while maybe but I know that one day I will meet up with this lover and rekindle this passion - I can only hope that Ken will forgive me once again.


Amanda said...

Oh gosh!! I am rolling over here. Good thing I am home alone!! Everyone else would think I am nuts laughing at you. Sorry that you got caught though!! :(

Swizzlepop said...

OMFG I am LMAO! You are out of control! You're a sleep eater aren't you? And you got caught which is the best part of the story. You need to set some alarms on the doors and fridge.

Ft Art student... said...

Hilarious! Hey, banana pudding is not that bad---it could of been worse! I love your writing.

MMalloy said...

I just burst out laughing over here and my entire crew is staring at me like I am crazy!
I go through stages like this, I'll tell Derek to go up and get the TV ready so I can sneak out a marshmallow or cookie without him seeing. He wouldn't care if he caught me, I just don't like him to see me eat like that.

WeightBGone said...

OMGGG You are hilarious. I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Only you could make a love affair with food sound seductive. LOL Thanks for the laughs Steph you are the best!!

Candace said...

That IS hilarious! Well, at least hubby got a good laugh. So did all your readers.

Colette said...

Haha...girl you are too much!! I so wish I was your neighbor!! I can just imagine what a kick in the ass you are IRL!!!

I have to admit, I have never been a midnight raider but every now and then I will wake up and I HAVE to have a cookie!!

You make me laugh so much and I look forward to reading your bogs everyday! Have a great day!!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

That's hilarious.

NCChris said...

ROFLMAO!! Please, please no more...ribs breaking, stomach cramping! Too funny!