So I didn't actually jump off the deep end, face first into a massive vat of cookies but what is it about a flippin Nutter Butter cookie that can send me to the moon and back??? Last night Barbie rolls into the cheapo depot Wally world because Central Market may just be on black balled list due to their damn deceptive practices with green beans and their slow ass checkers! So I hit the Wal-Mart - I really hate having to buy produce there because it always pathetic looking but I had to have apples and was not willing to wade through the swamps to get my local fruit stand (damn this rain we have had in TX). Have I mentioned that for some reason I seem to be hardwired to go to the grocery store every damn day........God this drives hubby crazy - he doesn't understand my need to visit a store everyday.........I chalk it up to living vicariously through all the other people there purchasing products that I know I can never eat, not to mention - I weighed almost 400 pounds because I visited fast food joints everyday - cut me some freakin slack and be glad that at least it is only the grocery store!
So I'm wondering around the wonderful world of small town Walmart and trying to show restraint as I pass down the gerber puff aisle (obviously I am not even safe around baby food - god I'm wacked) and the cereal aisle (cereal is a big no no for me - in fact last night I dreamt about eating lucky charms straight out of the box while standing in line at WalMart).......anything that can be consumed by the handful is bad news for me - I know this - I accept this and I have learned to work around it. I have learned that cereal makes me fat - really, I will eat every damn marshmellow out of the box of lucky charms - I will pick the berries out of Captain Crunch and don't even think of bringing a cocoa puff into my house! I buy the kid the individual certeal boxes because that way I won't be tempted to sneak a handful every time I pass by......how lame is that??? Okay back to the damn story - focus Barbie, focus - I hit the cookie aisle.......now in my Walmart they put the cookie aisle on an outside aisle right across from the yogurt and eggs........thanks guys - so I can't buy a dozen f'ing eggs without thinking I could have an egg white omelet for dinner or I could have OREO's..........every damn time I have the debate. Every time I go to the store the hubby asks for cookies (most of the time I refuse to buy them - hell I fry the guy french fries and onion rings for dinner but I won't buy cookies, makes sense right??) well this time I caved.........they were calling out to me. A red package containing what looks like a nut but tastes like a piece of creamy heaven........mmmmmmmm - I look at the yogurt - at this point I am still coherent enough to check and see if there is a suitable alternative for my most recent insane craving - peanut butter yogurt - let's see, Dannon, WW, Yoplait, some generic shit that I have no idea what it's called, Pro Active yogurt laced with some sort of micro organisms that will probably eat your colon.............they have mango melon, peach pie, apple pie, chocolate for christ's sake but nothing remotely resembling peanut butter........SHIT........scan the egg section - f'ing right - that ain't gonna happen. They say 15 minutes and a craving will pass.......LYING bastards is what they are - I'm pacing, marching back and forth (does this count as exercise) - I start sweating and salivating........get a grip Barbie it's a freakin cookie not a damn Iron Lung Machine.......at this point, I'm like junkie, got the vein tied off and tapping around.......I have to have them.......just to possess that package and hubby will be oh so happy - this could potentially be the motivation he needs to paint my bathroom (talked about wacky rationalization - nutter butters = painting - yeah right). So I grab the package - f*ck it.......so what - I'm just gonna do it. After banana pudding, green beans and 1200 laps through the parking garage I'm worn down - I stroll through the rest of the store - pick up my apples and try to tell myself that I won't partake of them......just holding the package is like getting the golden ticket and touring the god forsaken wonka factory plus I don't really want to look like an OOMPA LOOMPA and with the way my week has been going I am going to be ready to "literally roll" soon! So I know - I could have bought a granola bar or an energy bar or a freakin slim fast for that matter but damnit to hell Barbie wanted Nutter Butters........they are packaged in red - the color of Satan.......I can see the resemblance now!
Finally I got through the checkout complete with 2 apples (why I don't buy more I will never know, I think it is my subliminal way of being able to go back to the store???) a bottle of water and a package of cookies - it felt very similar to my days of ordering 2 Number 1 meals, super sized please, with a diet coke and a regular coke - see my theory was if you order 2 different sodas then they automatically think - oh how sweet this insanely overweight, crammed in her tiny Geo Metro with no A/C, thus causing her to sweat profusely is ordering dinner for her handsome prince charming husband - shit I was delusional - you know the pimpley faced 16 year old guy at the window was thinking Holy Shit - I gotta get this bitch her food cause she may eat me!!!
I get my purchases home and immediately present my sacrafice to hubby - I remind him of how incredibly difficult it is for me to purchase junk food for him but that in a moment of total self sacrafice and martyism I decided to set my own dreams and aspirations aside. I decided that, once again, that his happiness was much more important than my own and that somehow I would muster up the courage to look those evil cookies in the eye and fight with all that was in me......I would be a winner and strive every day to make him proud to call me his wife. Then I HIT HIM WITH IT - "so my sweet, wonderful, hunk of a hubby - will you paint the bathroom this weekend (said in my most dripping sweet, slightly playful voice)..........his reply was simple and to the point - he replied NO but I'll buy you the paint - Damn you Ken give me my cookies!!!
So here I sit with a half eaten package of Nutter Butters (no I didn't eat them - hubby did and I hope that they gave him heartburn and make the rest of his fall out - damnit, damnit, damnit!!!) and a bathroom in which the paint is peeling and stained with raccoon pee (I'll save that for another post)............Barbie lives in a bomb shelter but she has Nutter Butters!!