This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Exercise Versus Effexor

Day 4 of no meds.......doing okay, hanging in there and moving along. My brain feels a bit foggy but I'm not sure if that is the withdrawls or just my lack of motivation for work......I want a vacation! I did get a real "pick me up" comment from someone who is in the same boat that I was and is working hard to lose the weight. It made me feel so great to hear that I inspired her and my "realness" offered her some encouragement. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm too real but unfortunatley for you all, I don't know any other way to be. The real deal is that I'm completely uncoordinated, somedays I HATE being healthy, I question my abilities every single day, most days I forget what I've accomplished and focus on my flaws - oh and let's not forget about my seriously screwed up food know the ones, snorting pudding, having a lucid affair with banana pudding and my obsessive desire to visit the grocery store every day. God, some days I feel like a total mess and then I get a comment from you guys that tells me I'm okay, maybe not normal but accepted and on some small level, maybe even an encouragement. THANKS - you have no idea how much I need that reassurance that the nice men aren't coming with a snug jacket made especially for me!!

On to the topic of my post...........Effexor - hmmmm, not much to say but this shit is hardcore. Good grief - I took a really low dose and in coming off of it I'm fighting the brain fog and anxiety like a mad woman. Not to mention, I am no longer taking my sleeping meds.......I kind of miss those but not the weight that they help put on. I just miss falling into blissful, forgiving sleep - now I have to work at shutting off my brain and staying asleep. The one thing that I know is that this whole episode will be well worth it when it's over. I'm not bashing anti-depressants or sleep meds, by any means - they saved me at one time but since I have begun my exercise routine, I feel so much better and so much more positive. It is true what they say, bad as I hate to admit it, exercise is great for depression! Does that mean that I LOVE exercise - ummmm, probably not - my brain just isn't built for enjoying a total ass kicking every night. I still have to force myself to go and trust me this week, has been a real struggle. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that if I actually work my body, it will reciprocate by hopefully falling into a fitfull sleep and my body has not failed me...........sleep hasn't been wonderful and not nearly as deep but it is coming and stays around for a while each night.

It's funny because to say that I loathed exercise before, would have been a tremendous understatment. I knew the weight loss benefits but for the most part would have rather starved than move. I wish that I could confess to being one of those girls that had the motivation to work out on her own every day but I don't have it in me. I need an organized class, complete with screaming instuctor and group of sweating people - I need to look around and say "damnit, I'm as good as her so get your fat ass up off the bicycle seat" - I need the step instructor telling me "we're gonna do it til we get it right"........I need blaring music and the smell of sweaty armpits to know that I'm working it. Does that make me deranged???

One last thing and I'll wrap up this convoluted post.........I'm a little worried about my special "scale time" tomorrow. My eating hasn't been too terrible with TOM here but I could have refrained from the peach ice cream (I did finally just trash it last night so at least that is over). I also could have done better at sticking to my goal of not eating late at night.......this one is rough for me - I get home late from the gym and I'm not too hungry - when I finally get hungry and eat it's 10:00 - then it's time for bed. I've always been like this......I've always enjoyed eating dinner late, I don't know why but I just do.........I got out of this habit for a long time and somehow slipped back into it......damn - I am going to work harder on this though - I think I can, I think I can!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I Told Him Not To but HE DID IT ANYWAY!!

Hmmmm - how to sum up the first half of this week in one word - rough! Yeah, Aunt Flo is kicking my ass right now and on top of that I am weaning myself off of some anti-depressant meds that the doc put me on last year - I am actually very excited about getting rid of the meds and can attribute my ability to do this to EXERCISE. It's the truth - exercise is better than Effexor any day!! Honestly, I have no idea why that quack doctor put me on that crap last year other than I went into his office in tears because I hadn't been able to sleep - evidently he confused insomnia and sleep deprivation for depression. Finally made it to my usual doctor and he agreed that I don't need the meds - now I just have to deal with the withdrawls...........that part sucks!

My poor sweet hubby has been amazing..........sometimes he can really suprise me with his super sensitive self. He has been very supportive and "available". He reminds me that I'm doing great and has been encouraging me to get to the gym as this really does help with the down times. All in all, I'm doing pretty good with it except for me eating...........I haven't done bad, per say, but I have been eating an average of 28 points a day..........this isn't too bad because I have been exercising but I've been consuming a lot of this crap at night...........the boredom and insomnia have gotten the best of me over the last few days. Not to mention TOM is here and like I said - she is kicking my ass!! I'm hanging in there though and today is a new day, right??? I'm a little afraid of what Friday will bring, especially since I feel like a beached whale right now.

Speaking of my Ken - he confessed last night - he googled my blog and read it..........I don't know how I feel about it really. I had specifically asked him not to read it because I needed the ability to talk openly about my "issues" without fear of judgement from anyone. He said that it made him laugh and cry all at the same time. He apologized of course and promised not to read it again...........I guess I can't be too mad at him because I probably would have done the same thing but just never told him that I did it. I guess we all have our insecurities and he did say that he freaked out a bit when he saw my post labeled "I want a divorce" - poor guy!! He really is great in the sense that he allows me to whine about my weight and obsess over food and exercise. He doesn't criticize and tells me every single day that I'm beautiful and sexy..........I know that he adores me - hell he more than adores me and for the most part I take that for granted. With all of his wonderful traits, he still doesn't fully understand my paranoia with food and fat and weight.......he tries but if you have never really experienced it then you just can't fully understand. I really do have to give him credit though - he tries so hard and God knows I don't make it easy!

I still have yet to post about the insane class on Saturday - I have to get that down because if I didn't get a good workout then at least I got a good reminded me a bit of Dancing With The Stars meets Sweatin to the Oldies! Watch out Richard Simmons! Gotta run - another all day meeting today.......wish me luck........must stay awake!!!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Reporting on the Weigh In

Nothing really to report - there wasn't any change from last week. I was a bit disappointed but then TOM showed up on Saturday so I just chalked it up to bloat. Today my rings are tight, pants are snug and I feel like a small whale but again, TOM just sucks! I did work out with the weights on Friday night and hit what I thought was going to be a cardio-kickboxing class on Saturday morning - ummmmm, not so was more like a lunatic lady that combined step and salsa moves - oh and don't forget the insane amount of jumping jacks, lunges and pushups we did - WOW...........really there is a funny story as it relates to this class but not sure that I'm up to getting it all down but I PROMISE to relay it to you all! Let's just say there was a class of about 20 people - one was a guy (bless his heart) and one chick looked like she was on crack - I've never seen someone bounce like that before............she scared me!

As for food this weekend - I didn't do bad but I was consistent in hitting about 28 points every day - I would like to see it a bit lower for the most part..........I really need to get my night time eating in check as that is when I seem to eat the majority of my points. I also met with my Doctor this morning and found out that one of the meds I take is notorious for causing weight gain.........GREAT - he wants me to stop taking it because hubby and I are trying for a baby - I am hoping that this will help some of my cravings........who knows though???

Tonight is the gym and then home to watch Dancing With The Stars - my son and I love this show! Gotta catch up on everyone - hope you all have a great day!

Friday, September 21, 2007

So Whatcha Think???

I have to agree with Mal - TGIF!! Oh the weekend can't get here fast enough - weigh in, on the other hand........LOL! Yep, tonight is the where the rubber meets the road - I've really been trying to track my food better and have actually successfully journaled for the last 4 days - that is a huge thing for me because I just suck at it. Unfortunatley, I've seen some scary stuff - geez how I underestimate my points - I get that comfortable mentality - you know the one........the "I can calculate and keep track in my head" mentality.........hmmmmm, well writing it down made me realize that I either need to go back to school and learn how to add or I need to start paying better attention. More accountability and less estimation - know what I mean? So I'm not going to throw my food journal out there because I don't want to retype it all but wanted to list my exercise and point totals (that I have) for this week. Not sure why I'm doing this but I think it's because I just need some reassurance that I'm doing okay. I kind of feel like a little kid who needs some comfort and attention from her parents - is this good enough, did I do good, are you proud of me??? I know warped thinking but after tracking some things and doing some soul searching I realized that I have done a poor job of keeping it in check and now suddenly I feel insecure about the choices that I'm making. I know that I'm exercising and I feel good about that but the points thing just makes me a little here goes - I appreciate any input or suggestions that you may have. It's funny how we all have our own little tricks of the trade and we never know what will give another person a boost!


Friday - 1 hour on the weights
Saturday - 1 hour step class with weight intervals
Sunday - OFF
Monday - 1 mile on the bike warmup and then 90 minutes on the weights
Tuesday - OFF
Wednesday - 1 hour step class with weight intervals
Thursday - 1 hour spin class

FOOD - Target 20 - 23 Points

Sunday - 22 Points
Monday - 27 Points
Tuesday - 21 Points
Wednesday - 27 Points
Thursday - 24 Points
Friday - 20 Points (planned)

My only downfall has been a few more carbs than I like - none of them are processed type things - well unless you count the veggie chips (damn those green beans - they get me every time) but I did have 2 extra low carb tortillas (.5 point a piece) and 2 servings of sugar free oatmeal (1 point packet). Oh yeah, I've consistenly had more than one serving of fruit a day....still working to get that under control - again a work in progress.

I'm crossing my fingers for something good on the scale but even if it isn't spectacular I know that I'm building some muscle! I'll report back with the outcome - one more thing - gonna do a kickboxing class in the morning - this should make for an interesting post!! Stay TUNED!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sometimes I MISS My Old Life!

Let me start with a disclaimer about this post - I am not falling off the wagon or even feeling down on myself. I just needed to get this out and know if others ever go through this.......just chalk this up to a barbie fit and know that some days I just get lazy and tired!

Last night I was driving to the gym, sleepy from a long night and cranky from too much drama at work. I was thinking that there are days when I just hate living healthy. Now maybe you don't ever feel this way and if you don't, consider yourself lucky. I, on the other hand, find myself romanticizing the past and how I used to eat. It is very easy for me to recall the days when I would go to a hockey game and stuff my face full of sausage, peanuts, beer - only to get home crawl into bed and sleep off the greasefest that was my dinner. I remember those times and how much fun my friends and I had. How life was so uncomplicated because there was no gym, no multiple grocery store stops during the week, no chopping of vegetables and planning of meals. It was a burger and fries, a bag of candy, a tub of popcorn. The insane thing is that my life seems more consumed by food now than it did then........maybe I shouldn't say food but rather health.

Some days I feel abnormal - I don't eat at fast food restaurants. It is a pact I made with myself a long time ago and it is just something I don't break - it's a line in the sand that I don't cross. The problem is that "normal" people eat a burger occasionally or an order of fries. "Normal" people don't starve all the way through a hockey game and then get home, dead tired, only to cook a complete meal for themselves - no AB-normal people do this kind of stuff. Normal people do not calculate exactly how many calories is in each Mike & Ike and purposely only eat 4 because they are 6 calories a piece - I didn't want to waste good calories on candy that I don't really even like!

So last night I was thinking about the good ole' days - about bacon cheeseburgers and m&m's and baked potatoes at 3 in the morning. Tubs of movie popcorn and extra butter. I thought of holidays and snacking at my desk. I thought catered in lunches and fast food. I got this warm feeling in my heart - like I was remembering an old friend whom I had lost contact with. Oh how I missed him/her - the good times that we had - the love that we shared and the comfort that he/she brought to my life. Suddenly I'm at the gym and as quickly as my reminiscing started it ended - suddenly I was faced with the truth of the past. The inability to breathe, fit into a booth, buckle a seat belt. The endless teasing, the feeling of weakness and self loathing. The absolute hatred I had for myself and my 400 pound girth, so much that I stopped looking in the mirror. The endless comments like, you have such a pretty face - if only you would lose weight and feeling like no one ever saw ME for who I was - only for my appearance.

Again, I am plummeted to the present - sitting in front of the gym, complete with sweatband, water bottle and the knowledge that I am fixing to drag my raggedy butt in there and bust it. Knowing that I'll get home and go through the same routine - fixing dinner, lunches, re-packing the gym bag, etc. I also know that I'll get up in the morning look in the mirror and smile at what I see - I'll know that my body is healthy and strong. That I will be alive to see my grandchildren and hopefully their children. That people are inspired by my story (or at least I hope that I can inspire someone) and that what I really miss about my old life is the comfort that I found in the food - truth be told, I don't even remember what a bacon cheeseburger tastes like and I probably wouldn't like one now since I don't eat meat. What I miss is the sense of fulfillment that I got after I ate that crap, of being whole and okay.

Suddenly I realize what I love about the gym - it is that same sense of fulfillment that I get after I push it, of being whole and okay. My brain suddenly catches up to my body and it clicks, if only for a moment. Every ounce of work that I have poured into revamping my life has been worth it.....every extra push, every tear, every hardship has produced a victory in some form or another. Every failure and mis-step has made me who I am - who and where I am was not created by a cheeseburger or pizza; therefore, these things are not necessary for me to continue to shape my future.

This last epiphany makes me realize that I don't miss my old life so much after all....????

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tears of Anger and Sorrow.....PLEASE READ THIS!

I had a post all typed out about my semi-blah day, my weight training at the gym and just overall daily struggles but then I read this article about the KIMKINS Diet. I'm not sure if you know which diet this is but it was featured on the cover of Women's World Magazine with a tag line that read "Better Than Gastric Bypass Surgery". The creator of this diet boasts of losing 198 pounds in 11 months. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this diet is a) bullshit or b) really, really, really unhealthy or c) BOTH. I am opting for C - I actually read the article and thought - is that a feasible diet plan?? It is a low carb (less than 20 grams), low fat, high protein diet. Evidently, the website lured people in by promising great support and weight loss advice all for the nifty price of like $60 bucks - what these people got was a restrictive, 500 calorie diet that was based on feeling semi-nauseous all the time........WTF is up with that??? That was the question that I asked myself, who in their right mind would do something like that to themselves and then I realized who would do it - ME.

That realization sickened me - now I'm not saying the me of now but the me of yester-years was desperate, scared, depressed and hopeless. I weighed almost 400 pounds and I was 24 years old. I couldn't fit in a booth at a restaurant and I lived in fear of riding in a car with someone because the seatbelt, all to often, would not latch. I rode in an airplane with no seatbelt because I was too embarrassed to ask for an extender, I couldn't ride amusement park rides, hell I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs! As sad as it sounds, my overweight friend and I would make a game out of who could dump a whole bag of M&M's in their mouth and eat them the fastest. Even as I write this I am ashamed of my behavior. Food was my drug and I like most drug addicts, was desperate to change but I didn't know how! That is how people get sucked in to these diet myths & ridiculous weight loss schemes. This feeling of desperation is how people become dependant on pills, laxatives, chemicals......OR they starve themselves.

I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thrown around the idea of how to lose the weight. I went through my bouts of eating only brocolli and even contemplated pill popping. My fear of failure and my depression at each failed attempt only provided more ammunition for my downward spiral into "diet hell". The never ending cycle of "I'll start Monday" - only to starve for three days and then down 2 double cheeseburgers, a large fry and a milkshake. After the binge, you go home, look in the mirror, call yourself every derogatory name in the book, curl up into a ball and figure out HOW you will make it work next "MONDAY". Of course then you walk down the grocery store aisle and right in front of your favorite stop (the candy racks) is a magazine that offers amazing weight loss with no exercise - this sounds appealing because a) you weigh 400 pounds - what the hell kind of exercise can you do effectively and b) you really need some instant gratification to keep you motivated - losing 4 pounds in a month ain't gonna cut it. So you dig out the $1.49 for the magazine - take it home - read it and think it sounds a little kooky but hey desperate times call for desperate measures, right? The sad thing is you will lose weight fast because you're starving and that only magnifies the need to continue on. Thus the cycle has begun...........thousands of people get sucked into this - people die because of this......because of their despair about their weight and their inability to see a better way.

The fact that people prey on this and profit from it, sickens and saddens me. I sat and read this article with tears streaming down my face. Tears for who I was and for who I struggle to be - tears for every overweight person that has been scarred by society and it's definition of acceptable. For every housewife who feels ugly, every child who is made fun or teenager who doesn't get asked to the prom......for those that feel desperate enough to go beyond what they know to be sane and sound to prove that they are worthy. I'm sorry for rambling on about this but it just hit home for me and angered me.

The article suggests sending a letter to Dateline for investigation - I'm going to do that AND I'm sending a letter to Woman's World, letting them know how appalled I am that they would support something like this - I will NEVER EVER buy this magazine again.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Do You Ever Wonder WHY????

So after my Friday weigh in I was sooooo excited - I mean literally, I felt my pants get too big right away! Suddenly my fat jeans that I had been hanging on to for dear life were doomed for the mind you these are the jeans that were the epitomy of Linus' security blanket off of Charlie Brown - but now suddenly, they were not worthy to cover my somewhat smaller ass! So I got in an hour of weights and hit the bingo hall with the in-laws! Yeah, I know, great way to celebrate my success - a smoky room full of old ladies screaming BINGO, not to mention the lovely scent that cigarette smoke and stale grease leaves on you........yuck! Of course in my excitement I told the MIL that my life had improved because I finally saw the scale move - she congratulated me but did remind me that my life is not based on the scale - she has no idea how wrong she is!!

Saturday was the step/weights class - it was fun but exhausting.........I didn't know that one person could sweat like that - now this is where I say WHY??? Why is it that I have a good weigh in and I automatically think I can I wasn't BAD BAD but I know that excess carbs/starch just doesn't work for what do I do - hmmmmm, consume 2 huge bowls of popcorn, a piece of cake (well 2 if you count the middle that I picked at before I iced it - I had to double my icing batch to cover the hole that I dug in the damn cake!!), too much fruit (I limit myself to 1 serving a day, on a normal day - I was far from "normal" over the weekend) and too much eating because I should. When I say "eating because I should" I mean that because all I had on Sunday was a sugarfree snowcone and popcorn, I ate even when I wasn't hungry........eating isn't bad but what I should have done is had a real meal rather than shoveling in handfulls of popcorn. All in all, I didn't go over in points really but I just made crappy choices. I was less choosy than I should have been and I have really been trying to be picky about what I put into my body - I want to fuel my body the right way rather than picking through crap just because.

So back to my question, WHY do I get that mindset after a good weigh in - like I can trick the scale or tempt fate........hmmmm let's see just how much i can get away with??? I'm not beating myself up because I am still really excited about my loss but I just wish that rather than always looking at my life as a diet of some sort, I could just see it as a way of life. I long to be the girl who just eats to know - food isn't a big deal to me, food is a part of who I am. I love to cook, I love to eat and I have no stop button. I will say that last night I did stop eating before I felt gross and over full - that was a huge change from my normal routine! The only thing that I really know is that I learn something new about myself almost every day - just when I think I have it figured out something changes - WTH!!

Today I'm totally back on track - getting back to work is always good for me! BTW - thank you all for the congrats and for being so supportive......few people really understand how insane the scale can make you!! I (((HEART))) you all!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Results Are In & I Am SHOCKED!!

For the first time in a long time I am speechless - I weighed in on Friday and I had lost 6 pounds from the previous Friday - this is on the same scale at the gym.........I am soooooo happy to finally be only 5 pounds over my goal weight! Being as I was so motivated by finally seeing a loss I went back and looked at the things I had done over the week and they were:

I ate before and after each workout - technically I ate between 27 and 29 points each day.
I earned about 28 activity points between my 3 cardio workouts and my 3 weight training sessions.
I ate more protein - 1 day I actually hit 100 grams
I tried to limit my carbs
I drank at least 12 glasses of water
I varied my meals (we all know that I am the girl who used to eat the same thing for months on end)

Of those things, I really feel like eating more helped the most. I also think that I saw the stupid gain from last Friday because my body was adjusting to eating more and working out.....of course who knows really - I feel like my freaking body is a walking science experiment.

Thank you so much for sending me good vibes - not sure what I would do without you girls! Hope everyone had a good weekend.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Breaking out the paper bag!

Okay I'm taking the advice of all my best Barbie pals - breathe, Barbie breathe! Getting out the paper bag just in case I hyperventilate!! Thank you all for being there and offering support and encouragement............when did I became such a mental case - WOW! I think I'm just a little "scale" shy now because of how awful he treated me last week - bastard!

Thanks again girls and trust me - as is true to my nature - my next post will be all or nothing - LMAO!

It's Do or Die!!

So today is the big day - let's just hope it isn't "big" - the terror of the weigh in. Ughhhh - don't know why I am sooo nervous, maybe because I have been eating more. I have been doing this on purpose though but it's just the mindset of diet = eating less, losing weight equates to deprivation, right??? Well that isn't true and I know it so I have consciously been trying to make better food choices more often. You know, breakfast, lunch and dinner........what a novel idea! So I have been averaging about 27 points a day on workout days - this makes me nervous!! I have ramped up the protein via FF cottage cheese, tuna, egg whites and milk. I think I actually got in 100 grams one day last week! Also have been trying to limit the carbs to a goal for this weekend is to not eat any fruit after 6:00 p.m. - fruit in itself isn't bad but the sugar/glucose that it creates causes issues for me and I can put on weight by eating fruit late at night (which I do every night) so this weekend I am going to have my fruit for breakfast with my milk.

I ran across a great website that has a lot of information about strength training and diet - - really has some interesting nutrition can also log your activity, food intake and get meal plans - you should check it out if you have spare time! Based on my goals, I am planning to weight train on Monday/Friday and Tues/Thur is spin class. That leaves Wed/Sat with my step aerobics with weights, so I'm good for cardio and weights on these days. I can tell that things are firming up - my hips don't spread quite so far when I sit and my pants are now baggy in the butt. I can start to see a hint of muscle definition so at least I know that my hardwork is paying off! I still can't believe that I have actually gotten into this gym/exercise unlike me! Next week I'm going to miss a spin class because we are going to the first preseason hockey game of the year (GO STARS!!!)........I think this will be good for my body - a little bonus rest during the week!

Okay last thing - if you like protein bars and peanut butter than you should try the Snickers Marathon Low Carb bar in Peanut Butter - is 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 8 grams of fiber and 18 grams of protein! An added bonus is that there is only 1 gram of sugar and 18 grams of carbs. I love these things - they are not overly sweet - are very rich and peanut buttery and they are substantial - you know, chewy and heavy - you actually feel like you ate something as oppossed to some of the bars that seem like a minature candy bar! I love these things and have started packing one in my gym bag for right after spin class or any high intensity workout - they help get me going again and I don't feel so wiped out! I find that at Super Walmart of Walgreens/CVS Drugstores.

All right - I'll report back on the scale story this evening. Gonna finish up work, rush out at 4:00 to pickup the kiddo, hit the gym for some weights and weigh in..........ohhhhh I'm nervous - please, please, please send me some good vibes! I just don't want to get freaked out and discouraged and if the scale moves up anymore I may have a meltdown!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

How To Injure Your Trainer!

Let me just say that I don't think I'm completely recovered from spin class last night.......WOW! Evidently our instructor had a bone to pick with someone and we wound up being the helpless victims. I'm not kidding when I say that half way through, I got off my bike and went to throw up. It was intense but short of the couple of minutes it took me to get sick, I was there for all of it! I can't hardly believe it actually - I got home and I was totally wiped out. Her class is so hard that I feel worn for the rest of the week but next week I won't have to worry because I'll be at the first pre-season hockey game - WOOHOO!! My Ken and I are sooooo excited that hockey season is starting back up - the breaks are way too long for our liking!

Okay so on to the free weight story - really nothing knocks down your ego quite like weight training. I get to the Y feeling pretty good about myself - I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that I have been busting my ass at the gym - really working and trying to focus so I think this whole weight thing is piece of cake - nothing can be as hard as trying to make a stationary bike take off into orbit like a NASA rocket - right??? WRONG - I started by doing some bicep curls - I'm thinking 20 pounds each hand - no prob........shit, who was I kidding - let's just say that I was knocked down to 10 pound weights rather quickly! Then came flies - now these things just suck.......they hurt and I HATE them with a passion - what I hate more than that is having Buff Bob behind me, watching and giving pointers - now his advice was not unsolicited but when your bat wings are quivering like a bowl of jelly, you get a little self conscious! Next we move on to tricep work - the guy hands me the weights and tells me to point me elbows towards the ceiling and lower my forearms......oh yeah, I can feel the burn. I get through the first set - feeling pretty good but getting shaky! Now here is Buff Bob practically sniffing my armpits behind me.......I swear I think I'm going to clock this guy in the head if I'm not careful. I make it through the second set okay but he doesn't let me rest between 2 and 3 so I start telling him "I can't do this.......I'm not gonna make it.........I'm going to drop these weights!" He chuckles - you know that condescending laugh that men can give us helpless was about that time that I dropped the weight behind my head...........yeah, it wasn't pretty. Down goes the weight, crashing towards Bob's foot - thank God he was able to escape almost unharmed. I think he was just shocked that I actually dropped it........I felt like a total idiot but I couldn't help but giggle - I mean I told the guy that I couldn't do it! I'm thinking he probably won't be helping me again!

Last night after the spin class from hell I got home to find that dear Ken had sprayed popcorn crap on the ceiling again - now this is that texture stuff that had to be put on the new sheetrock that we put in the ceiling - only thing is this crap went everywhere!!! All over my clothes, furniture, jewelry, mirror, all over Ken, the carpet - it was a mess! My mind was racing and my thoughts were to scream at him but I tried to hold my temper - poor guy........this house renovation is rough on him too and especially when all of his projects seem to take an ugly turn! Ken wouldn't have any luck if it weren't for bad luck and Tim the Toolman he is not so I try to be patient. At the rate we're going it will 2010 before we ever get the house on the market though.

Last but not least - my weekly Y weigh in is in 2 days. Since I mangled the scale I can't weigh at home and decided to weigh every Friday at the Y - we'll see how it goes this week! I really need a loss, even if it is just a cheap thrill! Start sending skinny vibes my way! On a good note - my size 6 pants are fitting very well now and I can even wear most of my 5's..........WOOHOO - even if I'm not losing weight, I'm losing inches, right???

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

The Glory of the "Glories"

Hello all! As I was driving home from the gym last night, I had a whole post written in my head, complete with a fairly embarassing story of my first attempt at free weights and other assorted weekend details. My plan was to get home, blog, fix tonight's dinner for the boys (spin class is tonight and they start tearing at each other if they don't eat by like 7 or so) and maybe do some reading - that is not how it worked out though.

Here is how it started: As I was driving towards home, with the windows down to help dilute the aroma of fresh, hot pizza which happened to be riding co-passenger in my car, I looked up and saw the most beautiful sunset. You know the kind where the sun starts slipping behind a huge raincloud and out pops the "glories"..........those perfect, blazing rays of the last bit of sunshine. After a rainy day it was the perfect end and it really made me just want to go home and hug my family a bit tighter - to enjoy the moment with the ones I love. Unfortunately, that was not the case either - did I go home and enjoy a few moments with my hubby and child, NO - did I go home and relax by blogging and reading, NO - did I spend my time reflecting on the good things in life - NO.......what then did I do, you might ask???? Hmmmm, lets see - I rushed home and in my fury to get all the crap in the house I managed to dump one of the pizzas - thats gonna leave a mark! After scraping pizza off the sidewalk and attempting to blow off the sheetrock dust and roofing nails I made it inside the house. Only to trip over a cat that was perched, in the middle of the hallway, in a laundry basket - nice one - only 3 slices of pizza on that plate......again, that's gonna leave a mark! At this point I am trying to figure out a way to stretch 5 pieces of pizza between 2 guys........nothing came to mind so I scooped Ken's pizza up off the carpet and rearranged on his plate - VOILA - dinner is served!! He never knew the difference I was somewhat relieved that I wasn't going to have to invent some "suprise" casserole for them. After serving dinner, I took a survey of the kitchen and holy hell it looked like an atomic bomb had gone off. There were dishes everywhere - some groovy red powder aka koolaid on the food scattered on the floor and of course I was now covered in pizza sauce! My first thought was - I'm hungry and I have body parts that taste like pizza - someone stop me!! My next thought was, seriously I came home to this ON PURPOSE and then I remembered the "glories"........suddenly the sense of calm came back and I realized that the stains, cat food and pizza sauce were nothing compared to what I had - I thought, screw the housework and read to your son. So I mentioned spending some time together with a book - the kiddo was stoked - then I made the mistake of asking about homework.......his reply, nope don't have any - hmmmm, things sure have changed since I was in the 5th grade - this kid hasn't had any homework since school started - my brain starts whirring - if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it must be a duck.........I started snooping through his backpack only to discover 5 pages of science homework that he conveniently "forgot" about........I could have killed him at that moment......I was soooo mad, more so because he lied than anything! My wonderfully calm hubby went through the roof - started screaming his head off - the kid goes ballistic, he is crying and wailing like a fool - my goal of reveling in the glory of my family was short lived to say the least.......The whole entire house was aglow with drama - the only family member not in orbit would be the cat, who never moved out of the middle of the hallway! Finally after much discussion, crying, yelling and frustration, the kid got his homework done. By this time it was 10:30, I was tired, still in my gym clothes, hungry and ready to injure someone - Ken is snoring away on the couch and I am trying to figure out how to get mashed potatoes and gravy (one of my favorite comfort foods) out of cauliflower and chicken broth - lets just say it was a failed bit! There is no comfort in watery cauliflower that tastes like chicken - ick! I ended the day with some peas and carrots, soy crumbles and laughing cow cheese all mixed together - wasn't too bad but not something that I would add to my recipe collection! By the time I collapsed into bed I had forgotten all about the damn glories and their glory - my thoughts drifted off to the Barbie dreamland where I do the drooling thing and occassionally talk in my sleep. All in all, I would have to say that the evening was a bit of a bust but today is a new day........still not sure that I want to glory in the chaos that is my home but after spin class tonight I should be so wiped out that it won't matter!

I will have to post the free-weight story soon though - nothing knocks down your ego more than lifting plastic Barbie arms almost broke off! That stuff is hardcore! Gotta catch up with everyone - I heart you all!!!

Friday, September 7, 2007

I'm DIVORCING him!!!

Yep - that's right. It is over, finished, done - I'm sick of his shit!!! This morning was the final straw.......what am I talking about you ask - the F***ing scale - that rat bastard has betrayed me once again. I get up this morning feeling slightly Trixieish after a few ass-busting days at the gym and some high protein days........I'm feeling like I've lost weight - things (ass and thighs) look tighter, pants a bit more lose......I'm hopeful that we can make this work. I'm really working at this relationship and I thought that for once he would give just an inch - I wasn't asking for much - hell I would have taken a cheap thrill but no, no. So I step on the scale - back to the mirror cause Barbie in a naked state is not the way that I want to wake up in the morning! Look down, totally expecting a friendly smile from Mr. Scale - what I got was a great big fuck you from him.......up 10 pounds from 3 weeks ago - WTF - seriously, no way!! So what did this Barbie do........I'm a bit embarrased to even admit this but I took the crowbar that was laying on the floor beside it and beat the shit out of it - I was soooo pissed but damn I felt good after I got done! My next step was to kick the bastard out of the house - screw him - I don't need him!! I am working really hard I don't need some cheap ass scale trying to bring me down. I also don't need his smug looks EVERY SINGLE TIME I step on him........I don't need his approval to feel good about myself! So my new motto is - how do my clothes feel/look and how does my body feel.........okay, that will probably be my motto until I go out and buy a new scale but hey for today - I'm focusing on the fact that I can't grab such a large hunk of fat on either side of my butt!

As for exercise, it's been tough - I've gone but I've just felt off the last 2 classes. Like I couldn't push myself as hard......actually in Wednesday's class, which was full to the max, I freaking fell off the step.......after 4 weeks of this and I just fell over! K was totally rolling on the floor with laughter and the lady behind me was horrified! I tried to regain my composure while holding a weight and rubbing my sore ass........then of course I looked down and realized that the seam of my pants had split - not sure if that was the sign for "hey your butt is too big for these pants" or if I just caught them on the step - I'm going with I tore them on the step! Even after that escapade I managed to haul my butt back there last night for Spin Class - thinking I would redeem myself but I just couldn't push it like I wanted to. I think I really wore myself out on Tuesday or that I'm just worn out period??? All the house mess is making it hard for me to relax at night and get some sleep........hopefully I can finish up some projects this weekend and that will help! I am going to hit the gym tonight and try some weight training - with my lack of coordination this could be dangerous so I'll keep you all updated!

One last thing - if you girls have never tried the BOCA Burger Crumbles - OMG - they are awesome! I bought some on a whim last weekend and added it to marinara and YUMMY! There are 3 packages in a box and 1 package is a good size serving - they are like 120 calories, 1 gram of fat, 6 grams of fiber and 26 grams of protein. All you do is pop a package in the microwave for 90 seconds and you are ready to go - they are even seasoned well!! Really you gotta try these things! Have a great weekend!

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

When Did Food Become Our Enemy??

Whew - what a day and it isn't over by a long shot! Busy is the only way that I can sum it up but I did manage to get in 2 small meals, then I'll hit the gym and head home for a quick dinner! I never thought that I would enjoy exercise but last night I was so pumped up after my spin class that I felt like I was on cloud 9. I started my gym regime 4 weeks ago and at that point, the spin class was impossible.....I could barely hang on at the minimum and last night I made it all the way through the class with the others - no falling off my bike, sitting down, stopping - just sweat and determination! I am so incredibly proud of myself!!

Not only did my spin class go insanely great but I got home to Ken having painted my whole living room!!! I was soooooo suprised and excited - he said that he knew how anxious I was so he wanted to get it done for me! The color is perfect AND to top it off, the guy even cleaned up the house some.........I no longer live in a war zone - yipee!!! Amazing what a coat of paint and a good workout can do for a girl - LOL!

So I have been thinking a lot about why we "dieters" think of food as the enemy??? Maybe you all don't think about it in that manner but for the last couple of years I have seen food as something that caused me frustration and heartache.........I am now realizing how demented that thinking was. I am getting a hold on things that make me feel good and realizing that building muscle and losing fat through exercise and minor changes is the way to go........depriving myself only causes more anguish and irritation. Now the trick is keeping this mindset day in and day out.......easier said than done!

I've really been spending some time trying to work through some issues, namely with food, and I think that even though I took the initiative to lose the weight I still refused to accept the blame for being overweight. It was always family, functions, the food, being genetically inclined to be obese, etc. The reality of it is that I am what I eat.........the reason that I struggled and still struggle with weight is because of daily choices that I make, such as, eating unhealthy, not eating, not exercising, etc. None of these things, if done occassionally is wrong or "bad" but making those same debilitating choices day in and day out is the problem. My new theory is that I can do anything for one day - then I just get up the next day and say the same thing.......really it's the same mindset that I had while losing weight - now I want to be thin but healthy.......I want to be active and happy and ALIVE - I will always be a Barbie but I want to be the best damn Barbie that I can be with what I've been given!

Sorry for the rant - stepping off the Barbie soapbox and heading out to they gym! By the way - still writing on my book - I have about 50 pages done now - the problem is that they aren't in any kind of sequential order but really more random. Hopefully it will all make sense when I'm done???

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Random Act of Kindness

Nothing makes you feel better than to do something nice for someone - totally unexpected and out of the blue. I got the pleasure of being able to do that today and it just set the tone for the whole day! After the insanely busy weekend, full of sheetrock and paint chips, I needed a jump start to happy land!

On to the sheetrock/paint chip department.........good God I had no idea that there could be so much work involved in getting a house renovated and updated!!! poor hubby has been working himself to death trying to get things ready and we are still so far behind the 8 ball. I have to say that I am totally encouraged and inspired by our own Radiant Redhead Barbie aka Colette and her house transformation..........that chick could put HGTV out of business! So I spent the whole weekend hanging sheetrock, putting in a new ceiling, scraping paint and a whole assortment of fun things! The house is coming along great though and I can't wait to see the finished product!

On the diet/exercise front - I've done good. Giving myself a pat on the I actually felt fairly thin AND I saw some definition in my biceps - YAY!! Now that isn't to say that my bat wings have taken flight - I'm afraid that they are there to stay but I do feel stronger and leaner so I'm counting it as a victory! Speaking of exercise - I got to the gym and found that my usual "easy" step class had been hijacked by one of the spin instructors - I love her but she is brutal in a step class..........she was trying to teach us some advanced step moves that included skipping and shimming........shit - yeah right! On a couple of the shimmies I heard some flapping which was a bit embarassing - hoping no one else heard - LOL! Oh well if they did I guess! Needless to say that I wasn't the only one tripping through the whole class.......a couple of the other girls were looking in amazement at some of the stuff Theresa was doing!

Last thing - after seeing Swizzle's post about goals I thought that it would be smart for me to make some and post them, so here goes:

1. Exercise at least 4X this week
2. Eat small meals throughout the day
3. Up my protein and lower the sugar/carbs
4. Say something nice to my hubby daily - he is working so hard!
5. Remind myself everyday that I am a Barbie
6. Journal my food and exercise (I am getting better about this!)

Okay gotta run and get my work done so I can get to the gym for spin class! I'm slowly trying to catch up with everyone and trying to catch my breath all at the same time!!