This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Day ONE of the Eating Challenge

So yesterday was day one of my challenge to eat smaller, more frequent did I do?? I did manage to get in breakfast & lunch (both sized right)then I hit the gym. By the time I got home I was so busy making dinner for the hubby and son that it was 10:00 before I sat down - damn! Not only was it too late for me to meet my goal but I was starving so I didn't manage my portions like I wanted to. I still wouldn't say the day was a total bust though - I did manage to get in 1450 calories but points wise it only added up to 20 points. I understand the reason is because I eat mostly vegetables but maybe I should be counting points for those??? Ughhhh......I hate answering a question with a question! Sometimes I think I'm putting too much thought into it......I spend a lot of time asking myself how in the hell I managed to lose 245 pounds - like that is something that I can forget???

My next thought to ponder is what the hell should I expect from my weight training??? God knows that i have saggy skin so to think that I'm going to look like a bodybuilder is unrealistic BUT what the hell should I see. This is the nagging question - I see all the before and after photos and I know that my shit isn't going to shape up like that........I'm okay with that, well maybe not okay but accepting - it is what it is. So because visual signs are harder to see, unless I pull up the pannus and stretch back the bat wings, I am struggling. Maybe I should measure body fat??? Does body fat take in to account for skin? ACKKKK.....what is a Barbie to do???

So those are all the things that I don't know about.......some things that I do know about are:

1. I wouldn't trade my weight loss for anything. Skin or no skin - I know I look better!
2. Exercise is way better than Effexor and if you haven't tried it, you should! I hated it in the beginning but now I really enjoy my time with my lover, Gym.
3. I miss fast food sometimes but it is a mental thing.......that being said, I still struggle to make the break from the mental/emotional pull of food. Food holds so much for me - good days and bad days can be made on how and what I eat......I need to get a grip to ever be permanently fixed. Maybe I won't ever be fixed - maybe I will always be a recovering food junkie - either way I will learn to live with it!
4. I have lost 3 inches from my hips since August - don't start jumping for joy just yet girls - this was 3 inches that I gained from my lowest so I'm back to where I was. Now the problem is that my butt is located in a different region of my backside so my damn pants still don't fit right!!! Who knew that your ass positioning could change so much???
5. Logging my food is a good thing for me - thanks to my pal Swizzle!! This was a real eye opener for me. Trust me, I thought I was the Mother Theresa of diets - NOT SO! My calories were pretty in line with where they should have been for maintenance - no wonder I wasn't losing!
6. Knowledge is your friend - reading blogs, journals, articles, books, etc. has helped to keep me motivated and losing.
7. Last but not least, losing weight and maintenance are different but they present their own set of challenges and are equally as difficult.

Guess that is enough of my rambling for today - I'll report back tomorrow with Day 2 results.....wish me luck!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Yeah, Where the HECK is Barbie???

Now that is the question of the hour, huh?? Never fear - Barbie is alive and well - okay maybe not well but alive! Things have been super intense over the last week but I have survived and lived to blog about it. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers - we are hoping for some good news tomorrow about my sister in law.

In other news - no baby this month.......maybe I already said that but I took a test last week and once again got a big fat MINUS sign....sometimes I feel like I set myself up for the disappointment but I am still holding on to the hope that it will happen when the time is right? We did manage to get our house on the market and my father in law retired from his job - told ya it was a busy week! It was so sweet at my father in laws retirement party......I had probably 10 people come up and ask me if I was the girl from the magazine - one of them even asked me if I had before pictures with me???? It was very flattering and made me feel like I was the guest of honor!

As for food and exercise. I hit the gym last week and have really been trying to learn more about how weights/exercise/food works together. I started reading Larry North's book about fitness/nutrition and I'm trying to follow his eating plan. Basically his principles are to eat 5 to 6 small meals a day........I know, I know, how many times have I attempted this, only to not stick with it but this time I really want to see if it works - I will report back with my findings!

Okay I'm off to leave some Halloween treats for my co-workers........I've gotten into the spirit of "boo'ing" people this year! So much fun to see the suprised looks on their fact when they find a goodie!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Weekend and the LONG Week!

Sorry for my most recent hiatus - I have been lurking but haven't had much time to actually think and write. First let me start by saying the walk was incredible. It was moving, motivating and just an awesome experience. I spent A LOT of time fighting the tears as I watched a sea of pink t-shirts (survivors) and white mingled - I reflected on my priorities and goals.......I cried for the amazing strength that these survivors have and for my own weakness and unwillingness to just enjoy some of the simpler things in life. I would have to say that it was one of the most rewarding and moving things I have ever required little effort but the payoff was incredible!

On to the party - I actually made it home to lay down for an hour before having to get up to hooker it up for the party. I secretly bought some black and white striped panties to wear under my costume - then told my prisoner during the evening that I was actually a bad cop.......LMAO - needless to say Ken was ready to leave the party half an hour after we got there! I did really good but right before we arrived I started freaking out - the "fat girl mentality" got to me and suddenly I was transformed into my former 385 pound self........all of the old nagging thoughts started up and I found myself thinking "what in the hell have I done?".....I survived though and managed to turn a few heads at the party - the owner of the house happened to be dressed in a costume just like the hubby's - his wife was dressed as a much more subdued cop and to say that he wanted us to trade prisoners would be an understatement.....every time Rich left my side this guy was right there - at one point he mentioned his Viagra and ran his hand up my back......uh, okay time to go now! We had a good time but I was exhausted so we only stayed a few hours......the best time came when we got home.....LOL - I won't go any further with that! I did get some pictures of me in costume that I have to get developed and then I will post them....yes I said developed - I don't own a digital camera......I am so 1990's!!

Okay one last thing before I head out - we got some very devestating news about my sister in law - seems that the chemo isn't helping fight the cancer and basically if they continue to treat her she probably won't make it. She can't even tolerate a half dose at this point and so basically they have sent her home with not a lot of options. We will find out for sure what else is left to do but we already know that radiation is out so.......? My family and I have been through a whirlwind of emotions with this......anger, fear, sorrow - how is it possible that this is really happening - she is 39, she is educated, loving, the all american mother, a wonderful wife and daughter, funny, beautiful - she is all these things but now those are outweighed by the fact that she is dying. There are children that will forever be scarred by cancer......a family that will cease to exist at the hands of this horrible disease! Again, we are trying to go through the motions at this point but it is not an easy ride......please say a prayer for my sister in law and our family.

Also, while you are saying a prayer for my family, please remember those in California......the fires there are terrifying and so many are displaced and lost.....we, that are healthy and safe, have so much to be thankful for!


Friday, October 19, 2007

Oat Bran vs. Barbie

WOW - 2 posts in one week??? Well this is more like half a post because I am in overdrive already at work. Let me start by saying that I had a total neurotic Barbie Bitch moment last began with cans of whip cream flying and ended with oat bran all over the floor!! Some days I have that realization that I really am defective.......I can be totally coherent and totally irrational all in the same moment!! I know that I have a weakness for oatmeal, cream of wheat and basically any other hot cereal. It is a real comfort food for me and is something that I grew up on. Typically I don't buy one in my house eats it so there is no real reason for it, especially with my tendency to eat raw oatmeal out of the container - I know, what the hell is wrong with me??? For some reason I had a temporary lapse in judgement and thought that I could survive the temptation of having Oat Bran in the house........hell that stuff is like malt o meal so you can't really eat it by the handful unless you dig the feeling of gritty, clumpy shit running down your throat. So I buy the damn is fairly calorie friendly, high in fiber and decent in protein - no problem......yeah right. After logging my food intake yesterday and realizing that I somehow managed to waste 5 points on oat bran - yes girls, I binged on Oat Bran - I decided to take action! So not only did the oat bran have to go but so did the damn whip cream in a can.......there is nothing ladylike or classy about sneaking out to the garage to suck on the nozzle of an aerosol can.......I swear to God I need professional help sometimes!

So after all of my unhealthy binges I finally had a reality check and decided to take action. Only problem is my "taking action" includes raiding every cabinet, counter, fridge, freezer, nook and crannie to rid it of the contraband that is "BAD FOOD".........I always try to offer up a warning when this is going to hit so that the hubby can grab the kid and cats and head for point in traumatizing the whole family and taking your child to the hospital because he was injured by a flying aerosol can would not make for a cute insurance claim! Yesterday was just a crapola of a day so the idea of being able to throw things was fairly enticing......unfortunately, I got a litte carried away with the box of oat bran.....I resembled a sumo wrestler fighting a small child for a piece of candy! Geez - it is an inantimate object and I am wrestling it to the ground like it holds the winning lotto numbers....I would like to say that I won the battle of bran but in reality the box collapsed and shit went everywhere. You think it was the oat bran gods saying efff' you???

On to better things - my walk is tomorrow and I'm ready - not sure if I'm mentally ready because my emotions are running high all the thinking about my sister in law and grandmother. Also, I am soooo excited about my party and will get pictures up as soon as I can........I really am going to try not to get trashed! I don't recover well from drinking doesn't take much to get me totally hammered and I pay for it for days. One drink is fine but more than that makes Barbie a barfer!

One last thing - I read a tip in Women's Health (here is the link to a great article:,6176,s1-11-67-1882-1,00.html? It says that to eat less you should try eating with your non-dominant hand. It will take longer and slow you down - good god, they weren't lying!! This tip is great unless of course you are ambidextrious and then you're screwed! But I did it last night and it took me 40 minutes to eat dinner.......hell by that time not only was I full and not finished but I was just sick of sitting there trying to get a bite!! You should try it - it works! This magazine has great articles about fitness and diet - I may subscribe to it!

Okay happy Friday to all - have a fun weekend and try to shake it if you can!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Stretched to the MAX!

Wow - so here I am at work, crack of dawn so I can fit in a post, my food log and my work! Things have been more than busy hence why I haven't been around as much. I have been lurking when I can but free time has been few and far between. I have however been hitting the gym and logging my food - I swear Swizzle has made me a total geek with this spreadsheet guys have to try it! It is amazing how even when we don't realize it we get in calories - scary sometimes!

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard something that I found interesting. A woman was making excuses for her inability to lose weight and said that she didn't have time to exercise yet in the same sentence she confessed to taking naps during the day. The host of the show (who was a woman and is admittedly lazy) made the point that we always find time to do what we want to do. Why is that so profound to me.........I guess because "I don't have time" was always my classic excuse. I'm not saying that life doesn't get in the way sometimes but I do know that there are a lot of choices that I make which cause life to get in the way. One of my favorite quotes is:

There are basically 4 kinds of people: cop-outs, hold-outs, drop-outs and ALL-OUTS. --Robert Schuller
I think we have to make the decision on who or what kind of person we want to be and sometimes our mental and physical decisions are different - know what I mean??

On to other important news - my costume party is this Saturday and I am super stoked about hookering it up.......God I'm bad!! The breast cancer walk is also this Saturday and I'm really excited. I'm a little worried that I'm going to cry the whole way through........I have a picture of my grandmother who was a breast cancer survivor but passed away from a different kind of cancer - I also need a picture of my sister in law and I have a list of names going that I will carry with me. Thanks again Matty for inspiring me to do this.

Not much else new happening - no babies on the horizon........don't get me started on this subject......I get more frustrated as time goes by! My weight still seems to be steady even though the last two weeks I have eaten 8,000 calories less than what my body uses - that should be the equivalent of 4 pounds but why the hell would I start counting now??? I swear my body is an everchanging science experiment!!

Okay guess I should run - it only took me 3 hours to finish typing this out......again, things are really busy!! Hope all is well and I promise to post pics of my costume - BTW - My Ken is going as an inmate - I told him he was going to be my "bitch"!! Oddly enough - he doesn't seem to have the slightest issue with this!! LMAO


Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Lady Lustice

The Happy Halloween Dance!

Hello I have been missing you guys! Sorry that I've been MIA for a whole freakin' week...........crap! Thanks for all the check ups and messages - I am fine, no I am FANTASTIC, but I'm also incredibly busy......somedays I feel like I meet myself coming and going. I am currently planning a kids, murder mystery birthday party (this shit was supposed to be easy - yeah right!), renovating my house, working like a mad woman and trying to get ready for my Breast Cancer Walk. Oh yeah, don't forget the birthdays, holidays, weddings and other assorted fun times that are coming up..........I'm tired just thinking about it! Enough about how insanely busy i am - let's get on to the fun stuff!

So I weighed in and I'm still just maintaining........I'm not discouraged though because I feel amazing. I also have been tracking (thanks to my new SIZE 6 friend - Swizz) all my calories and know something??? I am working damn hard at being healthy so F' the scale and what he says. I also see definition in muscles and my Ken has made mention, on more than one occassion, about the firmness of my backside!! So I'm happy with what I'm doing - exercise is way better than anti-depressants, which by the way, have been flushed!! I am finally through the detox/withdrawl crap and feeling really great! I'm still totally digging my exercise regime and have now incorporated some weight training and HIIT training!

So my NSV - for the first time in my whole adult life I am going to a costume party.......I know - sad, huh? But really what does a 400 pound woman dress up as??? So Ken asked if I wanted to go and I said, rather sheephisly, okay. I started doing some investigating online and tried to find all the cute couple know the indiscreet plug and socket costume, the washer and dryer duo or the ever famous farmer and wife..........yeehaw!! I seriously considered something non-Trixie and reserved but then I thought SCREW IT. So for the costume party/wedding shower (another long story - we have strange friends) I have decided to "hooker" it me I won't be out of place. I finally decide that I'm just going to have to go to a costume shop to find something so off I go on my quest - it was a rather dreary day and slightly drizzly........pretty fallish but not much fun for shopping. I pull up to the dimly lit costume shop - shit should have brought my mace - and head in...........WHOA, I had no idea that there was so much stuff for Halloween. I timidly walk over to the fairy, witch, pirate costumes........hmmm, cute, okay, maybe??? No, these aren't going to work......I continue browsing through what seemed to be a maze of raging lunatic parents and their screaming children, costumes, creepy shit falling from the ceiling and aisles of make-up/false body parts........suddenly I spy the "Trixie" section - oh yeah!! I have the girl pull down a few costumes for me and I'm looking them over......hmmm, stewardess, swiss miss girl (cute but I couldn't get my hair into braids), leprechaun....all are cute but I finally decide on Lady Lustice.....picture short cop outfit with lace up top and short skirt, vinyl jacket, choker collar, hat, fishnet stockings and thigh high boots..........I love it - I know that sounds sick and twisted but I can't believe that I can actually wear it and not look horrid!!! I sat in the homeade dressing room (seriously it was smaller than a port-a-potty) and cried.......why - don't know??? I sat there while a zillion children stood in line waiting for there turn to try on there scooby doo and minnie mouse costumes. Amongst the impatience of the children and their parents, I hid behind the homeade door ala table cloth and did the freaking happy dance!!! Then I thought - what kind of wacked out "grown up" am I.........really, I'm a grown woman that is making children wait while she tries on a hookerish halloween costume - I am an adult that is so insanely excited about the prospect of showing off her legs in fishnet stockings - I am an adult that bought her costume before her son's.........I kind of chuckle to myself even while I type this because I don't give a shit..........I can finally wear a freakin costume - WOOHOO!!

When all was said and done (15 minutes later) I lurked out of the dressing room and followed the stares and sighs of parents......knowing that they were probably wondering to themselves what the hell I had been doing in there and why I had mascara streaked down my face - I didn't care. I walked up to the counter and proudly said "I wanna be Lady Lustice - I'll take it"!! In fact I was so excited that I rushed home and ripped it out of the poor hubby thought I had lost my damn mind, well until I came out in my costume!! He really wanted me to write him a ticket - LMAO!!

Okay girls - gotta get my butt in gear. I have a ton of catch up at work and in blog land. I promise that I'm doing the best I can to hit you all and send some comments but it may take a couple of days!! I missed you all so much.......Barbie isn't Barbie without her Barbie buds!! (((HUGS!!!)))

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I Lied....

When I said that I had an okay eating weekend evidently I lied.......see I forgot about the chocolate sprinkle debacle that happened on Saturday morning - well I forgot about it until I went to the grocery store last night and realized what a punch those little bastards pack - so here is how it went down:

Saturday morning arrives with dear Barbie feeling a bit under the weather - not really sick but more the lovely "hangover/detox" feeling - basically like I had been run over by a tractor trailer and for some reason I determined that chocolate would revive me??? Being the neurotic Barbie that I am, I don't stock chocolate in the house - yeah, I'm the mom that throws out the chocolate syrup even though my kid loves it........I just don't keep that trigger food around - no can do. So in light of this info - I begin hunting for chocolate.......although i feel like total ass I somehow manage the gumption to begin a thorough scavenger hunt - seriously, I resembled a sick, twisted Survivor participant. This was a bad deal.........I'm rummaging through cabinets, cupboards, the fridge, freezer - damn it - why oh why do I have to be such a freak of nature and not have one drop of chocolate??? At this point it is a good thing that the hubby was working in the garage because I could have mowed him down given just the slightest reason.

Suddenly it hits me and I remember the chocolate sprinkles from the Christmas Cookie Catastrophe of 05 - yeah I know - they're 2 freakin years old but at this point I'm desperate. I find the bottle.......I looked like a fucking hands are shaking, I've been sweating from the fevered search and I stink cause I haven't showered yet but damnit I have the bottle of choco - geez, I'm pathetic! I unscrew the cap and realize that I've pretty much lucked out cause the bottle is almost full - surely this should be enough to ease my pain and soothe the shitty feeling that is coursing through my body......they're generic sprinkles - not even the good stuff but hey when you're a junkie, somedays you take what you can get. I sniff them and inhale the aroma of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - someone tell me why in the hell don't chocolate sprinkles have a smell??? Maybe that would have detered me.......maybe then I could have saved myself from drowning in the whole damn bottle - maybe a whiff would have helped bring me back to reality - nah, probably not. So I sniff them, smell nothing and tip my head back with bottle to my lips. The first nibble of "sprinkle" tastes a bit waxy - nothing like a good chocolate bar or the likes.......I need to take another "sip" - hmmm, my brain is now numb to taste, smell and LOGIC - finally I just downed the whole damn bottle. Of course, right at this point, my Ken walks in to find his Barbie, clad in a sweaty nightgown, hair sticky with sweat, smelling like a 3 day old hangover and mouth full of small hard choco bits - he looks a bit confused, kind of like who the hell are you and what have you done with my wife??? I smile, he frowns and I immediatley realize that I have just given myself away - I'm standing there grinning like a cheshire cat with shit on her teeth.......cute, I'm sure. He asks what I'm doing, I choose not to respond - there is no need to go through the babbling Barbie speech, complete with tears, sobs, choking, snot and other assorted sound effects/bodily's pointless and I'm busted. The great thing is that I'm not too traumatized, Ken never mentions it and we go about our merry way. I then enter the week feeling relatively smug about beating the bitch that is anti-depressants while staying fairly on target with the food..........hmmmm, well I felt that way until I hit the grocery store yesterday and just for kicks I decided to read the nutritional value on the chocolate sprinkles - see the generic shit doesn't offer calories or fat - I mean who the hell eats a whole bottle in one sitting?? The good stuff though, does offer nutritional info and what do you think that info is........hmmmm, maybe if I replayed my gasps and shrieks of horror you could take a wild guess......well my friends - 1 bottle is 23 servings and each serving is 20 calories SO - 1 freaking bottle of chocolate sprinkles cost me 460 calories..........460 F'ING calories of nothing - waxy, I don't have a smell or taste, NOTHINGNESS!!! Stupid Barbie Stupid Barbie - so lesson learned - I will never understimate the calories in ANYTHING!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Paranoia, Panic Attacks and Hot Flashes!

So today is my 3rd day of being completely off of the anti-depressants and sleeping meds. I accidently forgot to take my medicine on Friday night so I got a few days jump start on detoxing completely. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as it could have been and it is much better that I ended up going through this while I was home with the hubby. He was INCREDIBLE to say the least.....Friday was just a bad day all around - I was tired, feeling crappy and in a funk. I got home and found my new diamond and sapphire ring that he bought me.....the one I had been wanting - I was sooooo excited!! He spent the rest of the weekend talking me off the ledge - one of the lovely withdrawl symptons from the Effexor is panic attacks and hot flashes. I was convinced Saturday night that someone was in our house and then I started crying......poor Ken - he was so tired and I was acting like a lunatic......he was very patient and kept reminding me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. Even thinking back on it makes me tear up because most guys would have rolled over and gone to sleep but not him......he stayed up with me and literally kept me from totally having a melt down. Yesterday was a little less dramatic but I was just in a fog and really worn out. My sweet Ken went to the grocery store with me and helped around the house........I ended the day by going to bed fairly early and trying to sleep it off.

That leads me up today which is day 3 and I feel good.........still struggling with my memory (I managed to take way too many blood sugar pills on Saturday because of this) and a bit of fogginess but all in all, I'm feeling almost a 100%. I didn't make it to the gym over the weekend but I didn't do horrible in the food department - I will be hitting the gym tonight and weighing in on Wednesday. My bod bud has her weigh in on Wednesday so I thought I would make the switch so we can celebrate together!! Not to mention in my fragile mental condition on Friday - I didn't think that duking it out with the scale was a good idea!

I went back and looked over my food/exercise journal for the week and see that I wasn't too bad - I averaged approx. 26 points a day and I earned about 28 activity points throughout the week so I'm not sure if I will see a loss on Wednesday but hopefully I won't see a gain. Thanks for all the encouragement and advice during this trying time.........this hasn't been any fun but Colette was right when she said that sex would be more fun - LMAO!!! I HEART you all and I have gone back and read/re-read your comments over and over - those and my hubby have been what has kept me going - oh yeah and exercise has helped too!!