This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Thursday, January 31, 2008

A day in the life of a pee stick....

WORK DAMNIT.....those were the words that I was screaming at my ovaries this morning.....ughhh, every morning I've been shaking the magic ovulation predictor stick like it's an eff'ing magic 8 dice though. So who the hell knows - at this point, my philosophy is to put on some lipstick, blast the radio on the way to work and worry about it later. Later meaning, "we interrupt your regularly scheduled program for doctor ordered sex" - yep, tonight is another episode of "Lets Make A Baby" - this happens to interfere with my season premier of LOST.......what the hell! My mother keeps telling me to relax and let it come naturally.......WTF-ever......have you ever tried to relax when you get up in the morning, feet hit the floor, feel like you're going to wet your pants so you do the pee pee dance down the hall.....only to realize "shit, gotta pee on a stick". So you go scrambling for the box underneath the sink (because really, who leaves that kind of stuff laying out), dancing around in your underwear like Tom Cruise in Risky Business, thinking gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee. You retrieve the INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED sticks - shit, why do they have to wrap these in industrial strength titanium wrappers......geez, I'm thinking people don't typically tamper with ovulation predictor kits??? Finally after struggling with this flipping wrapper, the savage in me takes over and rips the package open with my teeth - of course - the stick goes flying across the bathroom!!! Have you ever tried to tell your bladder "haha only kidding, you don't really get to go" after already sitting down - HOLY CRAP! So I'm trying rise with my legs crossed and waddle across the this point I'm seriously contemplating just pissing on the stick right there in the middle of the bathroom - I'll clean up the mess when I'm done!! I do manage to fling myself AND my stick to the potty and I bladder is my friend again - the clock, on the other hand, reminds me that I have just wasted 10 minutes of my life on this drama.....then of course there is the 5 minute wait....tick, tock - there is nothing interesting or intriguing about this process - especially not after 7 days worth of 5 minute waits! Not to mention these waits tallied together have cost me 35 minutes of daylight - all for NOTHING! Sooooo frustrating but enough of baby talk - on to my next bitch.

That would be putting on pants that were too big a few months ago only to find out SUPRISE - they fit now. Great, I've inherited a new pair of pants and a bigger ass! It's like a freakin 2 for 1 special - my consultation is knowing that I am now on the road back to normalacy. Speaking of normalacy - I did great yesterday until bed time. I was having horrible nightmares and couldn't sleep - this led me to mindless munching. Lucky for me I did really well during the day so I didn't completely blow a zillion calories overall but still - running to food for solace ='s emotional overeating and this is something that I'm really trying to conquer. It's a good thing that Rome wasn't built in a day or I'd be screwed.

So in maintaining my "screw it attitude" for the day - I decided to Trixie it up a bit. Nothing too fancy but I did a funky do with my hair and put on some bright red lipstick. I just needed to be someone different for today. Someone who wasn't completely engulfed in fertility, weight loss, calories, fat and just basic bullshit. You know what, being someone else is fun sometimes! With today being day 3 of "back to reality" for me - I'm feeling better and better. As I said earlier, I've got to work on that middle of the night, can't sleep, munching thing but overall I ate on plan last night and felt good about it.

Tonight is spin class and then of course the "assorted festivities" (see above) at home. At some point I have to slow down but right now I don't think there is an end in sight!!! My goals for today are to continue with doing what I need to do, food wise, and to NOT kill anyone - oh and I need to go get some more magic pee sticks too!

HUGS to you all and I'll report back tomorrow!!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Day 1 COMPLETE....

So after everyone's comments (THANKS YOU GUYS!!) I did it. When I say I did it I mean, I ate what I planned to eat and stayed fairly in control. I did end up eating late because I was helping my son with a science fair project but I did manage to eat a well rounded, smaller meal. I already feel more in control and I know that continuing to "suck it up" will only enhance this feeling. I also managed to get some breakfast in me this morning - another huge victory for me!

Last night at the gym was good - our usual instructor is out because her husband passed away heart just breaks for her. I can't imagine being 55 years old, a total health nut and having my highschool sweetheart die of a heart attack. This tragedy really sparks a fire under my butt to require better eating habits of my hubby. I swear, he eats crap most of the time but it's partly my fault for buying him cupcakes and cookies. I need to start making healthy choices for him so that he can get back into the habit for himself. I need the guy to be around for a while longer!!

On a more positive note - I tallied my time in the gym for January and after Thursday's workout I will have completed 1195 minutes in the gym......burning approximately 11,295 calories - I can't believe it. I also guesstimate the miles I ride during each cycle class and all of those tallied comes out to 295 miles!!! WOW - I have to say that I am really proud of feels so good to find an exercise that I enjoy doing.

All of that being said - I enjoy healthy food and working out but I'm still struggling with the mental/emotional issues. I'm feel like I keep finding skeletons in closets that I thought I had cleaned out. Some days I feel like I'm dealing with the same issues over and over.....eating out of boredom is the biggest problem. If I'm busy then I don't even think about it but when I have nothing to do - I want to eat! I also associate food with so many things - hell, I associate food with certain TV shows - like Extreme Home Makeover - I ALWAYS eat popcorn when I watch that fact, in an effort to break that habit this past Sunday, I refused to watch the show - LOL! Sometimes I feel sorry for my family, simply because I am so neurotic about things. My plan is to get my butt back in gear with my emotional/food ties and then start incorporating healthy things back into the lives of my husband/son. I have really let "stuff" get in the way of taking family walks, cooking more well rounded meals & preparing healthy snacks. The good thing is that I realize this and am totally prepared to change it. I may have to drag them kicking and screaming but that's okay!

I'll report back tomorrow with more OP news!!!

Thanks again for all of your support - I wouldn't be able to make it without you all!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Can I get a volunteer???

So it's confession time again at the Barbie blog and I have a list a mile long. To start with I am still really battling this "fat girl" mentality. I'm fighting hard but I keep seeing 400 pound Stephanie in the mirror. Really this is the first time since I began this journey that I have felt semi-out of control. This is bad because not only do I feel run down from the mental battle but I'm teetering on the edge of self hatred. I have bad habits, we all do, but I like to be in control of mine and at this current junction in my life - well, I'm just not. So, I'm asking for a little help with accountability.....where do you guys come in??? I need a couple of people to police me just a know the drill - bitch at me, keep me in check, ask me if I'm keeping up with my goals, remind me that I have to change my habits and that it will only take a few days of hard work to get me back in gear.......I know it's a lot to ask but I AM DESPERATE girls! Let me just tell you what I'm trying to do:

1. Eating after the gym - ONLY when I'm hungry
2. If I am hungry when I get home from the gym then I should eat as soon as I get home and eat only until I'm satisfied.
3. Eating breakfast in the morning.
4. Making a food plan and sticking to it.

So for the next week I am going to work at eating when I'm hungry but not so late.....I know this is a huge issue for me and I have to stop this habit. I am not entitled to eat because I worked hard at the gym......I have to revert back to the basics and remember that this is a new place in my journey - I have to strategize and find new ways to make this work so I'm giving this a shot. I'm going to post how I'm doing but if you guys don't see something from me tomorrow regarding my progress then start yelling! I am much happier when I feel like I'm in control of my own actions. That sounds silly because I utimately am the only one that controls what goes in my mouth but I swear that there is a devil on my shoulder most of the time......he yells, BREAD, FRITOS, PEANUTS, CANDY.......well I'm sick of hearing him so I'm going to start yelling back at him! Will you raise your voice with me??

Thanks to you all for reading, supporting, commenting and just being fab!!

Monday, January 28, 2008

And or the scale, bitch slaps ya!

So my reason for not posting is not what I about to recall but rather a lack of time. Let me start by saying that I've been working, baking birthday cakes, buying gifts, doing household chores AND working on the kiddo's science fair project - all of this combined equals a really busy, frazzled, worn out rather than leaving a cryptic, freak-out post I opted to concentrate my efforts on getting shit done and then post when my sanity settled back in.

Okay so now on to the slapping part - I had a great post on Wednesday. I felt great, rekindled and ready to go, then.....I skipped my workout on Wednesday night - I was tired and worn down but I should have gone. I knew that Thursday would be a bust because of my "procedure" at the doc's office. So fast forward to Thursday - I'm basically hauling at the office so that i can get everything done by Noon. No problem there - I get out of here and the hubby and I head to a visit with another fertility guru. We arrive for the visit - I'm nervous because they say there is some pain involved (f'ing understatement in my opinion). The staff was great and the wait wasn't too bad. I'm feeling okay until I get back there and they inform me that I have to step on the scale......I want to beg for a pardon since I am wearing a heavy sweater and boots but this chick isn't going to budge so I hopped on. Let me say I WAS NOT expecting that number to pop up.......WTF - I'm up 10 pounds since August. Immediately all of my super positive posting and appreciating your body bullshit is gone......I don't give a crap what this Barbie body is doing for me because at this paticular moment I feel it literally swallowing me whole. So picture this Barbie standing on a scale in tears - I begin to think about stupid stuff like the fact that I'm about to have my feet up in stirrups and I don't have any socks to cover my icky half-painted toenails (can you say no pedicures in the winter months??). I also have a pannus that I need to explain to a new doctor and an extra 10 pounds to deal with. I'm not kidding when I say that i stepped off that scale and felt like a total fat chick - I felt horrible about myself and it was apparent. The nurse, who was oblivious, asked what was wrong - I then did the Barbie Freak Out on her. I began babbling on the trials and tribulations of losing weight, maintaining the loss, the gym, the food, the fertility and the list goes on....I gave this girl a total run down of all of my woes in 2.5 seconds.....all the while she is standing there with this confused look on her face. Now that i look back on it I realize that she must have been trying to figure out why I wasn't in a shrinks office - how does a number evoke such emotion in a person??? Suddenly I had been reduced to a blithering idiot that was a total waste of oxygen. I was disgusting and didn't deserve to be taking up space - dear god - get a grip Barbie!! So as you can see, not posting was a GOOD thing. Now that i have had time to review the last few months I can think sensibly - so here are my sensible thoughts:
1. Fertility drugs are a bitch - I've been pumping my body full of artifical hormones since August
2. I'm at the gym 4 to 5 times a week and I work hard when I'm there. I may have gained 10 pounds but some of it has to be muscle.
3. I have been a bit more lax with my eating - I need to tighten up again and get back on plan - cut out the late night popcorn and hot sugar free hot cocoa!!
4. I hadn't exercised since my wine binge with the hubby.
5. I had on a huge sweater AND boots so that was some of it.
6. I use exercise as an excuse to eat more than I should - I have to regain control of my thinking as it relates to eating.....I need to eat to live, not live to eat!

Okay so all of that said - I am back in the game. I've had a few rough moments and I'm not going crazy by cutting calories. I eat relatively healthy and I do exercise a lot so I'm just going to cut out my crutches - like popcorn and SF hot cocoa. I practiced this while grocery shopping and NOT buying the popcorn.....I reminded myself that it is only a craving......not having popcorn has never caused anyone to go into a seizure (I don't think???). I'm trying to be very conscious of what and when I eat - God I am such the "disconnected eater". I just tend to pick and before I realize it I have consumed a whole slice of bread or some other carb laden food! The good thing about this is that I caught it before it spiraled into a much larger issue and really this is all a mental game. I have to break these habits - a few days that are hardcore and SUCK will put me right back on the path to where I'm comfortable at.......I can do ANYTHING for a few days, right???

Sorry this has been so long - I just needed to be able to organize my thoughts and put them down; although, I'm not sure that they are very organized?? I'm not taking back the positive rant about appreciating your body but rather I'm adding to it - my motto for today is SUCK IT UP - MAKE IT COUNT.....remember this is a mental game - WE CAN DO ANYTHING that we truly desire to do!

HUGS to you all and BTW - the doc says my fallopian tubes are open but my uterus is very tilted - so that may be more info than you wanted to know (it was for me) but I just wanted to let everyone know that the said doc's visit did have a positive outcome.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Doctor Appointments, Diamonds & Drinking....

WOW - I have a thousand things to update about and also some interesting realizations that have come to me. First, I wound up visting the fertility doc on an emergency basis because that horribe progesterone didn't work - so I went through 10 days of swelling, sweating and crying for I thought. After talking to the doc he finally agreed to let me start on the next round of clomid so cross your fingers girls - I'm hoping that this month is it. If not, then I'm okay - I'm really trying to relax with this whole thing and not stay so stressed out about it. I'll keep you all updated though.

The diamonds and drinking came in yesterday. It was mine and the hubby's 3 year anniversary and so we planned an evening out. Just dinner and maybe a movie but a DATE nonetheless - now, normally I would freak out. Really, I cry when i have to go out to eat. In fact, this is a such a traumatic thing for me that I haven't eaten out in over a year...I just can't do it without totally getting myself worked up. Well I decided yesterday that I was going to relax with it and I did. We went out, had dinner (I did great with the food - grilled fish, green beans, spaghetti squash) but had A LOT of wine......a whole bottle - eek! Honestly, I don't feel bad at all about the evening - we had a great time and it really made me realize how much I miss not stressing about diets, calories, exercise, points, some point it isn't worth the headache AND heartache of missing out on your whole life. Rich and I actually got reconnect last night - we were a team again. We had fun and talked and laughed..........I had forgotten what it was like to be in love like that!

The diamonds part came in when I got my anniversary gift...........he bought me an amazing sapphire and diamond ring along with a gorgeous tear drop necklace to match.......I almost passed out. First he never buys jewelry unless I ask for it and second because I knew we would be paying for it for a long time.....the paying part was my common sense side coming out - didn't take me long to shut her up though! It is absolutely beautiful and our night was perfect! Those are the moments that make the hard times worth it........those are the memories that pull you through!

As for my affair with Gym - I missed last night, of course and I have to have an outpatient type procedure done on Thursday that will put me out of commission for that class I'll hit the circuit training/step class tonight and spin class on Saturday. That will make at least 3 hours of exercise for the week and I may try to sneak in another quickie on Friday??? Again, I'll do what I can but right now I'm enjoying not being so neurotic........maybe I should drink more often???

I have a ton of blogs to catch up on - I'll be lurking around and checking up on everyone. I just have to say to everyone that is on the healthy journey - it is a journey. I realized this morning that we get so caught up in wanting more and more or should I say less and less of ourselves that we forget to just appreciate what we have. If you have healthy children, hug them. If you have a hubby that adores you, love him back. If you have a great boss or friend, flash them a smile or send a thank you to them........take it from me, it is a sad thing to wake up and realize that you have made yourself miserable for soooo long. I caught a glimpse of who I used to be last night and I miss her - I miss being fun and laughing. Enjoying dinner, a glass of wine and good conversation. As much as I enjoyed last night, knowing that I've wasted the last year makes me many times have I passed up opportunities to be "me"??? Don't pass up opportunities - be proud of who you are and what you've done - we have accomplished so much and we should be celebrating every day!!


Monday, January 21, 2008

Thursday, January 17, 2008

What did I do to ever deserve......

Such an incredible support group - really, you all are amazing women and your encouragement and comments helped me be able to face the hubby last night. So we talked or I should say I talked mostly but it was good - if no other reason than to let him know my feelings and where I stood on the issues. He didn't say much but rather looked like a scolded child - I know that he felt bad about the whole situation but his actions really hurt my feelings and that isn't going to work. Things will be fine - we are a strong couple but there are times when I don't have the guts to just say what I feel - you all helped to motivate me to get it out in the open so thanks!

So tonight is spin class and then tomorrow is a day of rest - I need it. The drama this week has left me a little ragged but I feel good in spite of it. I'm strong and I'm even stronger because of all my blogging buddies. I wonder if we really realize what an incredible support system we have......I started thinking about it last night after getting some great advice from a few bloggers - the issues that I was having I could have never shared with someone who knew the hubby & I in real life. People hold grudges and don't always have the ability to offer unbiast advice when they are close to a situation. Not to mention, I'm a pretty private person about our marriage issues so having an outlet like our group is HUGE for me!

On other fronts - I seem to have become quite addicted to raw mushrooms - no idea why but suddenly I'm craving whole, raw mushrooms.....I look like a freak of nature while sitting at my desk inhaling mushrooms. One guy walked past me yesterday and looked a little confused - he says "you do know what those grow in, right?" - LMAO - yeah I know! I wish I could be one of those people that didn't have such insane eating know craving mushrooms or boiled okra. Snorting pudding powder....eating raw noodles......egg whites every night for dinner. There is no end to my food insanity!

Okay girls - I'm off to cycle my heart out! Hugs to you all!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Mistaken Identity ='s NSV

So I have a zillion things to blog about.....much has happened and last night my intention was to sit down and type it all out - at that point, the post would have been filled with "funnies" and a huge compliment that I got. Unfortunately, I didn't get to post before family stuff happened and put a damper on my mood. Soooo...I'm going to post the good stuff and just ask that you say a prayer for me if you get time. Maybe I'm hormonal and so this seems to be a bigger issue than it needs to be but I'm at a crossroad with the hubby on some issues and found out that some old habits have creeped back into our lives.......I'm not happy about this - he knows it - I'm hurt and confused and without a doubt, I'm at a loss for a response. Now before anyone freaks out - he isn't having an affair or visiting bars but it is still an issue for me.......for our family. It's not something that I can just throw out there so it's tough because I have NO ONE to talk to about it. I'm trying to pray about my next step and also trying to guard what I say - I don't want to make an irrational decision but right now, I'm really really confused and really hurt. That's all I can say about that because I don't know who may be reading this so on to bigger and better aka funnier things!

So Monday I go for my nightly rendezvous with Gym - I'm hauling to get there on time because I feel sure that he is cheating on me with several other patrons! I was right, the class was full but lucky for me, my bod bud has reserved a bike. I look around the room to observe the others that are all fighting for my lover's attention - a girl should know the competition, right? So I scan the room - mostly regulars - no sweat, I can hang with all these people and I know that they don't have anything that Gym hasn't already seen.......well until I spotted the guy in the front row - now ladies, I'm not a mean person but when I saw this man I almost laughed out loud.......OMG - he was wearing sweat pants, a filthy t-shirt and house shoes - seriously??? Come on - you have to be kidding me that they would let this guy on a bike without real shoes...........not to mention he had in ear plugs and was stockpiling the fruit and water for his midnight snack later that night?!?! I was a bit relieved when after about 15 minutes he announces to the class that he needs to take a break and put on his real shoes - okay first of all - NO ONE cares - we are all just trying to stay up - this dude hops off his bike and proceeds to sit in the middle of the floor while putting on his was the strangest thing I have ever seen - I guess it takes all kinds??? The strange man was able to hang through the whole class so I applaud him - even if he was wearing house shoes through half the class.

On to my mistaken identity and NSV - yesterday I got to the gym over an hour early. I told you guys that we are over run with new people and their resolutions so bikes are getting more scarce.......I got there early and figured that I would hit my weights before class. After much persuasion I got someone to unlock the door for me and I was able to set my stuff down and change into my gear. As I emerged from the room to head off to weight land, the lady who unlocked the door stopped me to ask why I didn't have a key??? Uhhhh, I didn't know that you were awarded a key for being a frequent visitor - LOL! She looked confused and said "but aren't you an instructor??" - OMG - all I could say was I LOVE YOU!!! Seriously, I am far from looking like an instructor - maybe this girl was blind or maybe the black pants were that slimming but I don't care - I'm taking it! WOOHOO - felt good to know that my work is paying off and that maybe I really do have a bad perception of my body?? Whatever the case, it was severe motivation for the rest of the week. I can't wait to meet up with gym for sure now!

Okay gotta run to a meeting - hugs to you all! Thanks for listening to me vent about home and for letting me share my zaniness!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Injury in the Gym...

No, I wasn't injured - well unless you consider my pride?? The incident occured at the YMCA in the cycle room. Among those present would be my bod bud, a few local gymrats, a couple of januaryites (you know the people that come to 2 classes and then never come back) and the instructor. The lights were off and we had just finished an intense class - God help me that instructor is going to kill me. Oh yeah, forgot to mention that the instructor taught the class on a bike with no seat!! Uh huh, you heard me right - NO FREAKIN SEAT! She stood most of the class and when she absolutely had to, she sat on the bar....the chick does NOT have enough padding to accomodate sitting on a bar! I on the other hand, could probably walk around with the bar UP my butt and not notice. Okay sorry - I digress ;-p - so class is over, the lights are off and we're stretching. I'm not a huge fan of stretching simply because stretching always shows off my excess skin......raising your arms above your head causes your shirt to ride up, thus exposing the flappy pannus......there are just some things that good, god fearing, law abiding folks SHOULD NOT be exposed I try to half way stretch and just lay low but today - I needed the stretch. My muscles felt shredded from the weights the night before and then our trek up, what seemed to be, Pike's Peak! So I hoist my leg up on the bike seat and proceed with my stretching.....the instructor tells us to switch out legs and I realize that my leg does not seem to be responding to the commands that my brain is giving out - like the command that says - move your self off the luck.....I think this was my bodies way of just going into an all out revolt! I finally realized that my leg wasn't moving without the assistance of my hand......I reach down and drag my leg off the seat and then it happens - NO I didn't cut the cheese, nor did my pants rip (like they did when I fell over my step in aerobics class) but what did happen was a bit horrifying......I hit my finger on the bar and off popped my fingernail (fake of course - I wasn't left with a bloody stump or anything)......I see the nail flying through the air - soaring for my buddy Jack - I thought, "oh god don't let that hit him" - obviously I didn't utter the words fast enough because as I'm watching, the nail hits him right on the it couldn't hit him on the leg or arm - heck even on the cheek would have been better - NO - my artificial finger nail hits him right in the mouth. I thought he was going to throw up - hell I thought I was going to throw up.......I wanted to crawl under the bike but realized, rather quickly, that the seat wasn't big enough to provide ample cover. Theresa runs over to see what has hit our good buddy Jack, only to announce to the whole class "it's a finger???nail????".......she picks it up and starts waving it around trying to find out who the owner was. I finally confessed after realizing that she wasn't going to let it go. Seems that she was under the impression that the nail salon would give me some sort of refund if I brought the nail back in......geez, it's not like a coke bottle or something!

Jack took it all in stride - after the inital shock of being struck by a fellow cyclist! He said it was a first for him - I'm hoping it's a last for me. I'm beginning to wonder if anyone else experiences these hazards while exercising??

Speaking of GYM - I've decided not to see or speak to him today. We need a cooling off period and I need a break. Man he is like a maniac and just can't seem to get enough of me........he's worn me out this week. So tonight, I'm going to get my nails done (see above for why) and try to complete some tasks around the know stripping beds, laundry, cleaning the bathroom. I sure wish that I could say I was going to actually relax but there's no time for that!

HUGS to you all and have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Trying out for the Dr. Phil show!!

But not to be a guest - I wanna be the host!! LMAO - I was watching his New Year's Resolution show last night and there was a woman who weighed 375 pounds and wanted to lose weight. I could so identify with her because she was a fast food junkie and a closet eater. That WAS the story of my life - I felt her pain and understood her total despair. I was momentarily transported back to a few years ago and reminded of how far I have come! As if that realization wasn't enough for me, Dr. Phil started telling this woman what she needed to do to make the changes - these were all things that I figured out ON MY OWN! These were things that I did without professional help - I put the pieces together and did it. Sorry if that sounds conceited but anyone that knows me, knows that I am far from conceited about my weight loss. Actually I am one of those people that spends too much time feeling like I've failed (hard not to feel that way when you quit seeing the scale move down but continue to see a flappy pannus - damn body image issues!) when in reality I lost 245 pounds through blood, sweat and tears.........I DID IT - I made myself gut up and do it and guess what, I'm damn proud of myself. I'm proud of the fact that even when people question my wacky food habits that I stick to my guns - I can sit at a restaurant and enjoy conversation with people without eating. I can pass by a fast food restaurant and a vending machine without breaking into a sweat. I can make time for exercise and realize that some days I'm not going to necessarily "like" it. I can limit my contact with people who don't support my healthy lifestyle and in the process I have surrounded myself with people who share my quest for health (that would be you guys!).

Okay so off that soapbox......I will say that a friend watched it and commented on the fact that Dr. Phil was being "mean" to this woman.........I laughed and said mean??? Come on, she is a grown up who weighs 375 pounds and trust me, she knows why she weighs that. She doesn't need someone to be nice to her......she needs someone to be real with her. Maybe that is harsh but I wish that people had been more real with me - more willing to help me deal with why I consumed 10,000 calories a day in Big Mac's. The reality of our culture is - ohhhhhh, she's overweight so she must be lazy and probably doesn't want to change so we shouldn't bother with her. I can't tell you how many times I felt put off - people won't even look you in the face when you weigh that. Hell, in most cases they treat you like a circus animal - do a trick and I'll give you a cookie. It was refreshing to see Dr. Phil empower this person to take ownership of their life and their choices - to give her hope and to help her realize that being overweight is about soooo much more than how/what you eat. You can drink slimfast all day long AND yes you will lose weight but trust me - when the rubber meets the road......slimfast isn't going to make you thin or healthy but most of us really already know that!

Sorry, I'm getting sidetracked AGAIN. I met with GYM again last night. I wasn't going to, I really didn't want to, it was totally my intention to suck out but before I lurked off towards home I had to stop by Kate's Blog, you know the chick with the great recipes and quotes (From Flab to Fit) and read up on how she's doing. Well I scrolled down and saw this quote: It is the nature of man to rise to greatness if greatness is expected of him.
- I knew at that moment that GYM totally expected to see me.......I couldn't let him down.......I couldn't let myself down, after all I am destined to be a GREAT, HOT barbie! So I went - GYM was a happy fellow - especially after I spent an hour "shaking my money maker" for him......and let me tell ya, judging from the way my "money maker" hurts today, I should be a female Bill Gates - who knew that 2 weeks with no circuit training could result in this kind of soreness! Damn those 10 pound weights that are making me GREAT!

Okay gotta get back to work - thanks to all of you for being supportive and not feeding this circus monkey!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Sweat away the swelling!

Hello all my blogging buds. I can't say thank you enough for all your concern and comments. I am actually feeling much more like myself and THANK GOODNESS I'm looking more like myself and less like a bloated water buffalo! Of course the relief didn't come until after a total meltdwon complete with hysteria on hubby will surely be an alcoholic after this month??!! I am soooo proud of myself for maintaining the exercise regime in spite of the excess water. If I may toot my own horn, I have been to the gym 6 out of the last 7 days and completed 5 hours of cycling in those 6 days. I feel great!! If I could ever give one piece of advice for someone who hates exercise (like I did) it would be to find something that you like and then kick yourself in the butt to go until it just becomes a habit! When in doubt just DO IT!

Now, I wish that my food had been a bit hasn't been bad but I would like to keep my calories around 1500 as opposed to the 1700 I've been eating. I know some of my munching has been due to hormones and stress so I'm not totally beating myself down but I really want to get back on the right track before I get pregnant. Oh speaking of fertility, the hubby goes for his "test" this Friday. He is a bit freaked out about running through town with his contribution in a cup - I on the other hand find this component of our fertility quest absolutely hysterical. I can just picture him trying to get to the dr. office, navigating through construction and traffic while protecting his "specimen".........guys are so funny about that kind of thing anyway so can you just imagine??? Well maybe you shouldn't imagine my husband in that predicament but just imagine some random guy - trust me it will bring a sadistic smile to your face!

Okay - I know this is short but it's 11:00 p.m., I'm tired and have a LONG day tomorrow so I'm off to sleep. Thanks again for being so supportive. Your concern made me cry...well maybe that was the progesterone but I cried regardless!


Friday, January 4, 2008

TGIF....swelling saga continues

So last night was spin class and I went even with my super swollen legs, which by the way, the doc says may be normal but I should probably have my heart checked out.........uhhhh, WHAT! How do you casually tell someone that there heart may have excess fluid around it??? I am now limiting my fluid intake, drinking cranberry juice and monitoring the pain/numbness in my arms and shoulders.......if things don't improve significantly by next week then off to the doc for a full evaluation. Great - I can't wait!

Back to important things like spin class and made it to spin class but I know I didn't work as hard as I could have - I just honestly struggled through the class and couldn't find my zone. Oh well - I have tomorrow morning ot make up for it! Now food - god this is like confession or something...........okay, okay, I confess - I did awful last night. I was starving when I got home from the gym so I ate some popcorn - not bad in itself - but then I had my usual dinner of roasted veggies and spinach with egg whites....then there was a piece of high fiber toast, uhhh a sugar free pudding cup, a few fritos, an apple dipped in yogurt and a handful of cereal......each individually wasn't bad but when I added up my total daily calorie consumption is was 1800 calories - WHAT - OMG! I almost cried - now before anyone starts screaming at me - yes I did go to spin class so I burned calories - no I didn't go over in my points when I added in AP's but what did I do:

1. Ate for no good reason - I wasn't hungry but rather unsatisfied
2. Gave in to my longing to eat just because I couldn't sleep - I've really been working to break the "midnight snack" habit
3. If I was honest with myself, which I don't always enjoying being but in the instance it is necessary - I felt the sensible angel tell me to shut my pie hole and quit shoveling food in - the devil on the other hand said - but you were too sick to eat, you exercised, this will make you feel better......hmmm, LIAR!! Instead of feeling better I felt bloated and guilty........see just goes to show that comfort food only offers momentary comfort!

So I drug my bloated butt to work this morning only to find an email from a great friend, whom I've never met in real life, but have talked to for almost a year. This person found via the magazine cover, in a Walmart, in NC - how is that for a match made in Heaven??? So she looked me up on myspace, emailed me and we began a friendship.........she is incredibly funny and totally gets it AND she is battling the weight loss game AND she is blogging now SO I'm hoping that all of my buddies will drop by her house and cheer her is her address:

All right - now I'm off to figure out how to get my legs to look semi normal. This water retention is really bad for someone who is as neurotic as I am about weight.....I would love to know how much water weight I have on me but I don't think it would be wise to step on Mr. Scale - I could break him - either by girth or by throwing him across the room again???

Good luck guys and have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 3, 2008

I hate Progesterone but I LOVE powdered peanut butter!

Yep - love that stuff. Not sure if anyone has heard of PB2 but it is powdered peanut butter that you mix with's 50 calories for 2 tbls and since I'm a huge pb addict and real pb is so high in points - this stuff works great for me. Well except when I attempt to eat the powder by itself - that little trick is a choking hazard........who knew that something so seeminly innocent could clump up in your throat like that??? Not to mention, drinking water AFTER you eat the powder does not have the same effect as mixing before eating. You would think that after my pudding powder escapade that I would have learned to stay away from powdered substances......just not a good idea for me!

Now that I have confessed my "stupid" moment I would like to proclaim that my YMCA has finally gone to a full week of cycle/spin class.........HALLELUJAH!!! I didn't know it until last night when I hauled my butt into the gym to attempt that blasted step w/weights class - I was sooooo dreading the mental effort that class requires. Suddenly I was smacked in the face with a huge board boasting about daily cycle classes......then I saw the lights on in the cycle room - suddenly I knew that I had hit the jackpot and the exercise gods were smiling on me! WOOHOO.......I have to admit I was a little disappointed that the class was almost full with people that NEVER come to the gym - ackkkkk, it's New Year's resolution time and EVERYONE and their dog is at the gym - is it awful for me to wish some great television shows to come on soon so that our class goes back to normal?? OH that is bad of me, isn't it? So hit the spin class and worked hard - felt great! I forgot how good it feels to actually move with purpose as opposed to just shuffling through the days. I slept great and woke up this morning feeling like a million bucks - I'm ready for tonight!

Okay got a quick question for any ladies out there - my fertility doctor currently has me taking progesterone to bring on AF (sorry maybe that is too much info?) and I am swelling up like a beached whale........really I have had 150 ounces of water today (it's only 2:00 here) and I'm still swollen - not to mention the headache and my right arm is going numb.......I had the same kind of stuff last month but we thought maybe it was just that paticular I'm thinking my body is just a freak show and it hates progesterone all together?? I've put in a call to the doc's office but was just wondering if anyone had ever had strange symptons like this?

I hope that you are all having OP days - I've got 7 of 18 AP's earned for this week already........I may actually hit my goal this week, unlike last month where I floundered all month! Hugs to you all!

BTW - Kate, the tortilla soup recipe you gave me ROCKED! I did use a can of FF refried berans to thicken it up but that was just for my personal taste - THANK YOU, the hubby is in love!

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Keeping it short

Hi all - I wish that I could explain my absence by saying I have been away on some exciting tropical vacation or that I've even got a good reason for being MIA - but no, not really, I got nothing! Well actually, I have been pretty busy with the holidays and then there was a death in my best friend's family so I have felt the pressure of that but other than that - I've been pretty much caught up in artifical hormone hell! So I feel like crap, look like crap and worst of all I have not been exercising. Not exercising only magnifies the problem by allowing me NO way to relieve some of my stress - now my Ken, on the other hand, seems to think that sex is a stress reliever.........well it would be if I didn't feel like a damn circus monkey that is performing on command! Not to mention, at this point, sex for me is to make a baby barbie and obviously that isn't working out so well........sooooooo I'm a little hesitant to do much of anything in that department right now.

As you can tell I'm a little hormonal today (was yesterday too) but hopefully in the next few days I'll be back to normal. I'm not kidding you, progesterone makes me insane. The bloating is horrific, the mood swings are worse and basically I feel pretty insane (more so than usual). Maybe I'm just a baby and things aren't so bad.......??? Don't you just hate when you can't tell if the crisis is real or in your head? My one solace, is that I know there is a plan.........whatever that plan is, I don't know but I know that it is already in place. Now my job is to continue doing what I can to get to my goal! I have to admit though, I have found myself really battling the "screw it" mentality lately. Forget exercise and diet, forget focusing on good health, forget being rational and calculating, forget being goal oriented - you know just that - lay in bed, pull the covers up and refuse to come out mentality - it was nice for a day or two but of course work called this morning so I pulled my butt up and got dressed. It will be fine, no - it will be better than fine - it will be GREAT!! I will be great, by the end of 2008 I'll be holding a new baby in my arms and working off my preggo weight gain - that's one diet i won't mind a bit!!

Okay I already feel better, more like myself and more in the groove! I'm shaking off the heartaches of 2007 and running towards what I want in 2008 - hmmmm, do I gain AP points for that??? Okay, I'll be back tonight to post how my workout went - wish me luck. It's been 3 weeks since I've been to this class and it's a killer when I go every week........I should be sore tomorrow!

HUGS to you all!