This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Elephant Ass Barbie!

Okay this TOM of the month shit can depart anytime it gets ready.........let me tell you girls when the beast comes knocking she fucking knocks the door down!!! Between the usual ick of that whole thing, comes hormones from hell (way out of wack), a bloat that could kill an elephant and cramps, blahs and some insane cravings!!!

Last night after laying on the bed playing "Princess Barbie" complete with my royal duty of whining and bitching, I decided that I must have food........or I would become one armed Barbie or potentially Widow Barbie. I lay there moaning and Ken comes running to my side - "are you hungry, do you want me to fix you some food???" - now Ken's "babytalk voice" annoys the hell out of me and he knows this so he is not suprised when I roll my eyes and roll over. I tell him that what I want is mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese or chocolate or donuts or cake........his response is typical of most men.......well your body must need starch??? WTF - no Ken, sweetheart - my body wants comfort food - I don't feel good and I want to drown my cramps in a huge vat of pasta! I, of course, am thinking of a good alternative and I remember that I have some tofu spaghetti noodles and some powdered popcorn cheese - maybe this will satisfy the beast?? I lumber down the hall - I say lumber quite literally because bloat is a bitch - get to the kitchen and open the package of stinky noodles - god they stink and you would think that this would deter me but not so much! I rinse and par-boil my shirataki noodles (which I do like), steam some brocolli and sugar snap peas and prepare for what I assumed would be homeade mac and cheese at it's best. WRONG - no not just wrong but F'ing WRONG - it wasn't bad but face it..........fucking tofu does not taste like mac and cheese from when you were a kid - it ain't gonna happen, you can dress it up, color it purple, stand on your head and eat it but when you want creamy mac and cheese some damn powdered cheese and tofu noodles does not suffice!!! So I took three bites, got pissed and threw it out. I didn't care about food at that point but I really wanted mac and cheese.......I just knew that the creamy gooshiness of those squiggly noodles would drown all my troubles and chase away my blues........yeah right!! Again, Barbie lives in a bubble at times!

I did finally end up in bed drifting off to sleep, dreaming of food........I dream of food in great detail, I dream of eating cheetos in the bathtub and of eating one of those fried chicken, mashed potato, corn and gravy bowls from Kentucky Fried Chicken........I dream of tacos and burgers - can you tell I have a problem??? So in the midst of a food dream I awoke and was STARVING - no food all day makes Barbie very hungry. I again lumbered down the hall - the cats are still in hiding (see my last post about the trashbag!) so at least I didn't have to hurdle them. I make my way in to the kitchen and realize that this could be potentially lights all around........stop, don't do it, thank of your family Barbie, for the love of god and all that is holy - DON'T DO IT!!! There was no stopping me.........well I say that - I only ate half of a chocolate donut hole because those suckers are a whole point for freaking hole!!! This is the shit that is leftover from the donut and it is "expensive" - can't imagine what the whole damn thing would cost me! I rummaged around and ate a whole hodgepodge of crap........a container of sugar free jello, a few strawberries, a pudding cup, some squash and some gerber baby puffs.........jesus - not a bad night but far from nutritious. My only saving grace is that I had taken some Tylenol PM so I knew that I was in no shape to cook - had I been able to it would have been a mashed potato and macaroni & cheese fest!!!

I need to catch up with everyone but I have been insanely busy at work - in closing, it is absolutely amazing to me how much our bodies can change from one week to another. Last week I was exercising, knew that I was making some progress, feeling good and this week I feel like the ass of an elephant.......large and rough and stinky!!! It will pass and Barbie will be Barbie again soon......Ken may not live to see another day but Barbie's never die!!!!

Have a happy day and remember that even if I am Elephant Ass Barbie - I am still a Barbie damnit!!!!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Trixie Lives!!!

Okay guys - jesus christ what a day. I am absolutely beat down but I had to share my zany drunken Trixie story........what parts I can remember.

So it's Saturday evening and I have opted to head out on the town with some old friends - yeah they are drinkers thus creating the urge to drink in me when they are around!!! As utterly brilliant as you all think that I may be, I tend to lose total ability to think with any rationale when Trixie emerges. First I spent a few too many minutes in the tanning bed that morning so I was dreading a shower - secondly while reading all the Barbie Brigade blogs I decided that Trixie needed a new "do"...........shit - this is not a good idea. Yeah, I can look back now and with complete and utter confidence declare that I am a total idiot. What the hell was I thinking........sure, color your hair while paying absolutely NO attention to the clock......great one Barbie/Trixie!! So picture Trixie dressed to nine's in a plastic trashbag (my ghetto version of a salon cape) and undies........cute I know but no one was home except for the cats and scared the hell out of them. My most precious kitty ran from me in fact - not sure if it was the smell or the rustling trashbag that scared her off??? So I put the base color on my hair and proceed to sit my ass at my desk for an unknown amount of time - I look up and think SHIT - how long has this been on my hair???? On top of that, I am now officially running behind and still have "highlights" to put in my hair ala a mascara wand - who the fuck thought up that gadget??? So as I am attempting to wash the color out of my hair I get it in my this point I am trying to wash out my eyes as I am now convinced that I will be permanently scarred or blind or both! About the only thing that I managed to succeed at doing was spraying down the whole kitchen - again the cats are freaking out to put it mildly!!!

I get the shit out of my eyes and then out of my hair and proceed with said highlights - let me just say that I broke the mf'ing mascara wand thinga-ma-bobber!! It was not nice nor pretty and long story short - my hair resembles a cherry that was attacked by an orange - picture burgundy base with large orange splotches throughout - not classy, not pretty and so not fucking Barbie like...........I am pissed now. I am alternating between hysterics and mania.......screaming and crying, thrashing around in my white Hefty bag (they do make em tough!!!) - my cats are never coming out again!!! I do the best I can - shower, makeup, pull the hair up (thanks to Dooney & Bourke Barbie) and slap on some clothes.......I am seriously thinking that a valium might be the ticket right about now but I only have 20 minutes to make an hour drive to meet my friends so I put off the relaxation until I get to the bar!

I turn into speed demon Barbie - like mario andretti - racing against time trying to get to my first glass of wine before I have a total Trixie meltdown! I must say that despite my hideous hair I looked very fly!!! I get to the bar and let me tell you Trixie showed up!!! It was great - I have spent the last 4 months being Stephanie in a suit for the most part and to be loud and proud Trixie was fantastic (it even caused some drunken crying on the way home - drunk, crying Trixie is UGLY - I prefer not to remember that scenario)......I had a blast, had 2 glasses of wine and was toasted - Trixie is a cheap date!!! By the time 10:00 showed up I knew that food was no longer optional - if I was going to not hurl on the way home then I had to was not my idea of fun to be drunk, puking Trixie..........eeek!!! So as I'm sitting at the table I start shovelling in a piece of pizza and then this was an appetizer pizza so I'm not freaking about points or anything - they weren't huge pieces and even if they were - so what........real life does not revolve entirely around points and there are occasions when I have to let my Trixie hair down (actually due to the bad dye job I left it up but this is figuratively speaking)..........I ate my pizza and then the fun began......I insisted that I had to go to the grocery store right then - not just any grocery store but the one that is fancy schmancy and all the rich biotches shop at - not pretty - drunk Trixie convinces one of her drunk comrades to take her to the store (it was in the same parking lot so we weren't driving far) - we park the car (in approximately 3 spaces - thank god we didn't hit a SAAB!!!) and approach the store........I can barely walk - I take off my shoes - talk about class!!! You should have seen those people - I do get my feet done - biweekly pedicures so it's not like I'm walking around with eagle talons or anything! We ended up walking through the store for 20 minutes trying to locate a spaghetti squash.........imagine my reaction when i was finally informed that they didn't have any.......lets just say that drunk Trixie started up the water works. About the only thing I remember at this point was the horrified store clerk wondering what in the fuck he was gonna do with this barefoot, drunk chick and her gay guy friend who was talking about dressing up as Cher...........again, you might not wanna ask!! All in all it was a great night - I finally managed to make it home - thanks to the designated driver........woke up Sunday morning with a serious case of "OH MY GOD - WHAT DID I DO LAST NIGHT!!!" and then Ken rolled over and saw my hair and said "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU LAST NIGHT???"..........Ken has never been heard from again - no kidding - I actually said nothing, took a shower, brushed my teeth and went straight to hair place to get that shit was a great night with bad hair, great gay friends, a bizarre shopping experience and too much wine!!! All was perfect except my cats still won't come near me!

I need to post more about the most recent craziness but I need to sign off here and rest some - oh on top of everything else that coulda, woulda happened to my drunk ass over the weekend - TOM showed up out of the blue and let me tell you Barbie's shit is broken for the most part so when she comes knocking she is usually pissed about something............the family is steering clear of me........hmmmm, maybe that's why the cats haven't come out??? LMAO - By the way, I have to get a good list together of Barbie's - there are so many now that I can't keep up.........I'm gonna work on that tomorrow maybe??? Oh and Swizzle - you are the first person to right your story out in Barbie lingo and I loved it!!!! That was so amazing and made me cry! I'm telling you we all need to join forces and write the Barbie manual or something - Swizzle's story is a great one and it inspired me - imagine what a whole collection of those could do for people!!! Barbie's RULE!!!

Trixie/Barbie Insanity!

To say that the weekend was a bit dramatic would probably be an understatement. My life is in a bit of an uproar right now……not that it is necessarily bad but I really hate change – hence why I eat the same f’ing thing every single night! So suddenly everything may change and I’m a bit freaked out………I have so much catching up to do and really was anticipating posting yesterday but too much Trixie “wine” and pizza on Saturday night kept me a bit under the weather yesterday…….yeah Barbie’s I ate freaking pizza……..that is a statement to how incredibly drunk I was……the bad part is that I only had 2 glasses of wine in like 3 hours and I was taking off my shoes – how the hell is Barbie gonna walk DRUNK in Trixie heels!!! It was quite a night! Okay I really have to get my ass back to work but I am going to update on my drama a little later – I also have a hysterical DRUNK Trixie story – like I said – it was a night to remember!!!

One last thing – HELLO BARBIES!!! I am soooo excited to see so many new Barbies popping up……..I am totally in on the Iron Chef Barbie for Roni and welcome Coolio Barbie – there are so many that I haven’t mentioned yet but I will – I just have to start digging around and locate everyone – girls we could possibly take over the world!!!! LMAO – talk to you all soon!!!!

Friday, July 27, 2007

Another Barbie Recruit

Chloe (Fit Happens) is Cool & Confident Barbie - she is sooooo insanely cute too!!!!

Way to go Barbies - you all are fantastic!!!!

The count is 21 now girls!!!

Barbie Brigade Update

The response to this has been amazing - I am going to update the list but if I don't get you on there.......please, please, please send me an email or comment - I wanna make sure that all my Barbie friends get their proper mention!!

Just wanted to say first though that when I started blogging I was looking for Barbie (okay guys, I am being serious so you Barbie's in the back quit giggling....LOL) - I was looking for the perfect life, the happiness, the promise of all my dreams coming true, blah, blah, blah - well guess what ladies - basically life maced me in the face........rather than finding that I was Barbie I felt disfigured and dysfunctional because I couldn't be happy with my accomplishment - NO ONE understood what it was like to be trapped in fat/skinny perguatory (as I like to refer to it) - no one until I met all of you. It was through reading what you all sharing your trials and and pain........sharing just real life that i realized I really wasn't alone - I found Barbie - she did exist - the problem wasn't that Barbie was ficticious but rather that I wasn't looking in the right place for her! When I finally looked around the corner and realized that Colette made me bust a gut with some of her crazy red headed antics and swizzle with her new pannus obsession and weightbgone with her never ending encouragement.......then there was Jo with her sassy salsa moves that were proving to take her through life, mmal with her message of hope - the list goes on and on.........but suddenly I was surrounded by these incredible women that were REAL - hold mother of god - I was surrounded by real life Barbies and they were way better than the beheaded, crew cut Barbies that I played with as a child - LMAO!! Long story - short - I can't even begin to tell you all how much you mean to me.......we are good alone - strong and able but together we are freakin AWESOME - the rest of the world better watch out........that goes for lying dehydrated green beans and balding Ken dolls and rich, snotty biotches driving overpriced cars and shopping at Central Market - we are The Barbie Brigade and WE ARE TAKING OVER BABY!!!! WooHoo - (Barbie throws her fist in the air) Yeah!!!

So here is the roll so far - again, if I missed you please let me know - it is super important to me!!

Introducing the BARBIE BRIGADE - (the pink, panel wagon rolls out onto the stage and one by one Barbie's pile out......crap, someone just stepped on my leopard print heel - damn move over some Vampira and WW Barbie - what's with the cape - you're killing me here!!! Who the hell told Mother Hubbard to bring all those damn kids??? Salsa, quit dancing for a sec so everyone can see you!!)

Swizzle - Vampira Barbie
Colette - Radiant Redhead Barbie
2Phat - AARP Barbie
Weightbgone - Nature Barbie
Pleasingal - AARP aka Sr. VP Barbie
Mmalloy - Pink Hope Barbie
Calyn - Wonder Woman Barbie
Mtngirlincali - Triathalon Barbie
Melanie - Way Out West Barbie
Candace - Scarlett O'Hara Barbie
Jo - Salsa Barbie
Amanda - GymBunny Barbie (god bless your obsession with that elliptical machine!)
Diet Coke & Zingers - Mother Hubbard Barbie (yeah she's on vacation so we picked for her)
NCChris - Dooney & Bourke Barbie (always good for fashion tips - thanks again!)
Creating the new me - Techno Travelling Barbie
For me for life - Teachermama Barbie
31 More Days - Boot Camp Barbie (I'm sticking you with that because you rock the boot camp girl!)
30x30 - Lion Tamer Barbie (that chick has whipped her lion aka SCALE into submission!!)
BellyBGone - Anne Klein Barbie

Whew - think that is everyone - that takes us to 20 total (including me) - WOW!!! You know something Barbie's we are f'ing AMAZING!!! We need to keep reminding all women that they are Barbie's - I think that is now our royal duty - LOL!!

Don't forget that if you aren't on this list, please let me know!!!

New Barbie Alert

Oh my gosh - this is so damn funny - I almost fell out of my chair and I had to share it with my fellow Barbie peeps!

***This is from 2Phat aka AARP Barbie***

I am AARP Barbie.This Barbie does not put up with anyone's sh*t. She has saggy boobs, varicose veins, paunch in the belly, wrinkle or two on her face, a few age spots on the hands, and a hairstyle that has streaks of grey or at least grey roots - I looked and looked and through all the stuff that came with her, but I still cannot find the cans of Aqua net she use to get her hair to stay in that hideous bob (that thing has a life of it's own and could deflect bullets better than Wonder Woman's wrist bands). She comes accessorized with a boring necklace, reading glasses on a neck chain, granny panties, support hose, and a sturdy pair of sensible lilac flats. Comes complete with balding, mid-life crisis, Viagra Ken and needy aging in-laws that live next door.

Trixie isn't playing nice today!!

Geez........I soooooo wanted to play Trixie today but she just wasn't willing to play nice! First of all my boobies look more deflated than usual today - don't know why but not like there is a whole lot that I can do about it at this point...........SO - I put on my cute low cut Trixie shirt only to realize that the girls were not going to cooperate (yeah even after triple stuffing the padding in the bra)..........seems like some days they have a mind of their own. At this point I have spent 12 minutes of my usual 35 allotted "get fergilicious" beauty routine to do nothing but tug, pull, shape and attempt to fashion some extra skin into cleavage........lets just say it was not a pretty sight and I am fairly convinced that my cats are traumatized for life!!!

Next on my list of Trixie projects was to wriggle my ass into a pair of my favorite jeans - you know kind of like the Calvin Klein commercial where the jeans just slide up - yeah right!! So picture me - Barbie, jumping up and down attempting to get these jeans to "slide" up.........I did finally reach the point of saying screw it "don't slide up" just f'ing come up!!!! After much sucking and tucking (yep, Swizzle - I fold and tuck my Pannus.......sorry!) I got the jeans this point I am breathing like a woman in labor who is using lamaze techniques - Ken is fast asleep in the bed that I was forced to evacuate just a few short minutes ago but at this point, with all the racket, he has decided that it may be a good idea to take his life into his own hands and CHECK ON TRIXIE.........he knocks, I respond with "go pee outside" - we have one bathroom and at this point I have no intention of leaving my post to let him in......wet the damn bed for all I care.........I now only have 10 minutes to look Trixie-ish and lets face it - 10 minutes ain't gonna cut it! He responds with "what is all that noice - I just wanted to make sure that you're okay".........I'm fine - go back to bed!!! I hear him sulk off........don't really care - I get the shirt on, boobs are just not working at all today - I am really considering going back into my room to see if they fell off in the night or something - this is pitiful!!!

I break out the electric toothbrush and for some unbeknownst to me, I obviously am braindead I decided that it would okay to put toothpaste on the toothbrush after I started it..........hmmmm, shall I say that after that wise decision, my bathroom resembled a bunker where a toothpaste bomb exploded!!! Why oh why - now I've gotta do something about my shirt - I don't have another shirt that I want to wear with these pants............I'm having these insane conversations in my head - I have a zillion shirts, short sleeves, long sleeves, sheer, button up, dressy, tshirts - jesus freaking christ Barbie pick out a damn shirt and let's move it - I felt like the mother and the child all at the same time. Ken picks this point to pipe in - why don't you just go to work in a towel............hey, guess what Ken Doll - you are not funny, I am not laughing, Barbie is trying to be Trixie and Trixie isn't playing nice thus turning Barbie into a raging BITCH.......didn't I already tell you to go back to sleep!!! Ken Dolls don't talk buddy.........when you gonna get that through your plastic skull!!

To make a long story short - the end result is Barbie clothes, nothing special today........I needed a Trixie day too but it just wasn't happening for me. Somedays I go to the grocery story (okay everyday I go to the grocery store) but on some of those days I see these girls that look like they just rolled out of bed and yet they are utterly adorable - that ummmm, tousled hair, no makeup, clean look.............if I went to the store like that I would more than likely cause some permanent damage to somebody's eyesight!!! I guess all things considered, at least I'm dressed with makup on............tonight is bingo night with the inlaws but Ken will be with me so I'm hoping that my "bingo boys" tone it down a little!!!!

One last thing - the hubby aka Ken asked if he could read my blog - I told him no..........I felt bad but I don't want to feel like I have to censor my writing because I'm afraid of offending him. I need the forum to be my obsessive compulsive, dieting, rambling, bitching Barbie self and I just feel like I will lose a part of that - what do you guys think???

***Calling All Barbies***

I want to start by saying that I am having so much freakin fun picking out Barbies - suddenly I have digressed to that of a 6 year old child that is visiting the toy store at Christmas..........not only am I having fun but I am incredibly flattered and so pumped that we have all joined in the fun!!! The list has been rolling all morning so I thought that I should start a formal list of who all has joined forces - here goes:

Swizzlepop - Old School Goth Barbie
Colette - Radiant Redhead Barbie
Weightbgone - Nature Barbie - don't forget her Grizzly Adam Ken Doll
Jo - Salsa Barbie
Amanda - Gym Bunny Barbie
Candace - Scarlett O'Hara Barbie
Melanie - Way Out West Barbie
Mtngirlincali - Triathalon Barbie

So if you are interested in taking the Barbie Oath and being part of the Barbie Brigade all you have to do is pick a Barbie out and take the oath - here it is:

the Barbie must promise to uphold the Barbie ways which include whining when you feel like it, being bitchy on cue and knowing that NO MATTER WHAT or WHO (yeah even if she is a rich, plastic surgery induced, exercise obsessed, bubble head) comes across your path - that you are Barbie.....beautiful and worthy!!! Size 6 or 60, Porsche or Pinto, flat belly and good boobs or pannus and dried prunes - we are AWESOME!!


Thursday, July 26, 2007

Barbie Unplugged!

Oh it is sooooo nice to get my blog fix early rather than at 6:30 pm!! Finally got home last night and was able to unwind and I realized that I have yet to clarify who is who in my head.........geez! So here goes!

Hmmm, okay now I'm drawing a blank.......really I guess I was born Steph - grew up fat thanks to icecream, vanilla wafers and peanut butter and white bread and gravy. I also ate vegetables and played outside - I mean I wasn't some kid that hibernated and never came out.......I didn't live in a cave or play video games all the time. I played and jumped and swam and ATE - I don't remember ever being thin well except for when I went on Jenny Craig at 14 and lost down to 160 pounds and a size 10 - yeah at 14 I weighed about 210 pounds. You know we did all the thyroid tests and bloodwork - blah, blah, blah. No parent wants to admit that there kid is just fat - there has to be an explanation for it right?? How about the fact that I would eat dinner at my friend's house and then come home and eat about I ALWAYS ate 2 helpings and dessert - how about from birth I think I was sneaking food! Yeah there was a logical explanation all right - I loved food!

So I ate and ate and ate - I got a job at 15, a car at 16 and a license to eat all the time came with that! I worked in a restaurant and got half price meals - woohoo!!! Got off work and ate burgers and a little older and in college I hit the fast food places for every meal - then I got poor and ate mac and cheese/fishsticks all the time - shit that doesn't require a degree in biology to understand that your body can't take all that crap! I remember looking in the mirror and not really seeing fat - just not really seeing anything. I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care how my house looked, my life had no order or structure.......I worked, went to school (sometimes), came home to my crappy apartment and ate. I did laundry only when the clothes were all dirty, my life was littered with dirty dishes and fast food bags........really my life was a mess! There were a series of events that shattered my world........traumatic things that caused much grief - and you all thought I was born with my bitchiness - LOL! So I ate to mask the pain. You know, I could sit here and give a zillion reasons why I was overweight and spend hours trying to justify it but in reality it was what it was a million decisions to eat poorly and it was for a thousand different reasons - I can't go back, I can't change it, the damage was done and yes, some of it is irreversible (well until I have this damn pannus removed - sorry Swizzle - I had to!).

So fast forward - at some point I pulled my head out of my ass........seems like it was permanently lodged there for a while! I had to sing in a Christmas Choir and the largest shirt that the store carried was too small for me - I had to announce my shirt size in front of a whole group of my peers - I was humiliated - I cried, I had to do something and so I did. But this post isn't about my humiliation or my method of madness but rather about who the f**k is who in my ADD, OCD psycho world. So I lost weight and my friends started making mention that I had become a bit more brassy and bold - well the fact that I finally had a plan and knew how to make it work helped and the fact that I had order in my life, FOR ONCE, helped and then of course there was the fact that I felt attractive for the first time in my life!! So I was edgy - I was a bit more bitter that people who wouldn't have pissed on me before now had "time" for I suddenly evolved and was worthy of their know what "F" you - now I don't want your damn attention!!! Don't whistle, don't flirt, don't even speak to me if you couldn't have done that if before I didn't know that I was morbidly obese - no really, I didn't need you to point it out to me jackass - I got it - I felt it everyday - my knees fucking screamed it to me when I crawled out of bed so why did you feel it was your duty to make me feel even more out of place???? Those became my feelings - thus Trixie was born - Trixie is brassy and bold and probably a bit trashy for lack of a better word but she allows me to walk just on the edge of the wild side - to push the envelope just a bit. Her personality (God that sounds really wacky) is the one that I turn to when I'm feeling super low about myself - when I'm thinking, "God I am a cow and the ugliest Elsie of them all" that point I can pull out Trixie and my fergilicious hat collection (yeah that was a wierd phase that I went through)......throw on some hooker shoes and strut my stuff - all the while smiling on the inside because all those people that would never have looked before are doing a double take - I feel sexy and beautiful and thoroughly love waving it under the noses of those who spent so much time making me feel less than a person!

Okay that leads to Barbie - hmmmmm, Barbie well she is what I wanted to be, what I thought I would be when I lost all the weight. She is perfect and pretty and popular and drives a vette and is married to Ken and has a poodle and and and.........she represents every little girls ideals of what her life should be - even though I spent most of my childhood chopping off Barbie's hair and breaking her head off.............(sorry mom)! Somehow I got to the "pot of gold" at the end of my weightloss rainbow and the damn leprechaun had stolen it..........there was not perfection there - there were self image issues and saggy skin and a pannus........there were body stockings to hold it in and push up bras and where the hell did this come from type discoveries. Things were NOT as I had expected them to be but rather the opposite. I still didn't feel pretty or popular or loved or accepted - hmmmmm, but not being fat was supposed to be the equivalent of being happy, right??? Uhhhh, get a grip Barbie and snap out of your bubbleheaded fog......being thin didn't diminish the demons.......shit it didn't even quiet them - it just means I've got the ability to live with them for a longer period of time! I had to learn to disassociate food with success/failure/emotion/socializing........I had to figure out that I was worthy, that I was pretty, that I was popular, loved, wanted, needed, WORTHY - thus Barbie was born. Every day I chose to be "Barbie" - not counting the Trixie days but you know what I mean........I keep thinking one day I'm gonna get up and not have to make a conscious effort to love myself but that hasn't been the case everyday I get up and look in the mirror and see pimples and puffy eyelids and god help my hair, I see a nightshirt that has chocolate pudding mix stains on it or fingernails with banana pudding crust around them and I say "Good Morning Barbie" - sounds stupid but in my head it helps me remember that even without my VS red bra, my eyeliner, my super skin tight suck it all in jeans, my big fat sexy hair spray and my ultra teeth whitening toothpaste that, even without all of that, I am the epitomy of Ken doll is balding and has crooked teeth, my poodle is an English Pointer with an obsession to dig all the way to hell, I don't live in a mansion but rather a bomb shelter complete with racoons in the attic, a hole in the living room ceiling, cats that piss on the carpet and a kid that spells mess every where he goes - even with all the "imperfection" I AM Barbie - I have a Ken that loves me and I am beautiful, worthy, loved and wanted - and damnit people like me!!!

So after all that - my advice is remember that you are Barbie - we all are - we are all strong, beautiful, funny, smart women that make this world a better place! I need each of you in a different way and each of you contribute a little of yourselves to make my day better - so in my eyes you're all BARBIES - think of yourselves that way!

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

There's a TURTLE on my head!!!

Sorry that I am so behind today - this will probably be a short blog as I am absolutely whipped from potentially the longest, waste of time meeting in history. Yep, just spent 6 hours locked in a room full of millionaires (literally) and listened to them argue about whether a herpetarium (snake house) should contain a monkey or a cat...........what??? Help me understand this - how about we figure out how to house the fucking snakes first and then I'll try to focus on a mf'ing monkey - 6 hours - literally - the whole time I'm thinking - I'm never going to get this time these people have any idea how much this meeting is costing them??? Do they even give a shit?? Then I had someone mention Turtle shaped hardhats...........Jesus Christ - come on folks - I am the mental chick that goes by three names, snorts pudding up her damn nose and lives for ficticous sex with banana pudding but I am not even close to contemplating a turtle shaped hardhat..........I may really have to change my profession. I have so little patience for petty shit like that - I realize that you are worth approx. 30 billion freakin dollars but does that mean that you get the right to shave hours off of my life??? But.....that is the client and the client gets what the client wants - even if it takes 6 hours, makes no sense and requires me to wear a flippin turtle on my head!!!

So that was my day in a nutshell - that is why I am still at the office after an already 10 hour day - that and if I go home I am sure to drown my sorrow in something........I can't imagine that I have too much "unhealthy" food in the house but if it can be found - I'm gonna sniff it out! Hmmm, there is a yummy tray of cookies sitting in the breakroom - I think I'll bypass those and just head for the house!

Thanks for all the kind words about the baby thing - I do okay most of the time but somedays I just feel like I'm being punished.......the guy that I work with is going to be headed to the hospital with his wife in a couple of weeks to have a baby......everybody is pregnant or so it seems - so there are babies everywhere and all I have is damn turtle shaped hardhat........WTF!! I do actually have an appt. with a specialist in August so I am both excited and nervous - hubby is out on the adoption front and so that narrows down our options but I'm not crossing that bridge yet!! Thanks again - you all are the is so incredible to imagine that some how we have all defied distance and differences and something that we all hate so much (our weight issues) have been able to bring us all together and in essence bring so much joy. Funny how life works - and that is Barbie's deep thought for the day - shit I still owe a breakdown of who is who in my twisted brain........maybe tomorrow - if I can escape the damn monkey exhibit issue???

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Smell Of Burning Plastic!!!

MMMMMMMMM - nothing like a meltdown Barbie style! I know I promised a brief synopsis of who is who in my wacked out world but last night sort of sent me spiraling into a black abyss of unknown. So I felt really good yesterday - I walked and let me say, Barbie was moving girls! I was out on the street and working it so hard that it was ALL jiggling......didn't care - I was on a mission to get my heartrate up.....I have no idea why I felt so inspired but I did so I ran with it. Okay I get the walk in, I get out of the office and head home in the freaking pouring down rain but still okay. I walk through the door and Ken, adorable as he can be somedays, is trying to be sweet and hang out with me while I make his dinner. We start having a "discussion" turns into an argument and he stalks off to get on his computer - I resort to taking him his dinner to the bedroom so he doesn't have to move from his damn poker game - arghhhhhh..........I feel the hormones raging, I know it's coming and I should have taken another walk but it was raining. I stomp off ranting something about how much I loved being a waitress - Ken has wised up over the years and just doesn't respond! Okay girls now I know that this isn't that exciting yet but here is where the fun really begins.........cell phone rings.......I answer not really in the mood to talk to anybody but it is my best friend so shit - I gotta answer. Wasn't my best friend but her daughter "A" - now A is 20 and just had a baby in January........i was a little bitter then, simply because it really didn't seem fair that this kid that I helped raise was having a baby of her own and I wasn't, but I was supportive and there through the WHOLE thing. So A is on the phone - she asks if I'm sitting down.....yep, am now. Guess what, she says - mmmmmmm, don't know A, what? I'm pregnant.............I swear to God I dropped the f*cking phone - I was a bit speechless - okay a lot speechless. We chatted for a few minutes and I'm still in a daze - I get off the phone and head straight for the bathroom. This is my sanctuary.........typically it is the only damn room in the house in which I can get some peace.

I enter the bathroom and slide down the wall.........shit - damn concrete walls - sooooooo uncomfortable - so I prop a 6 pack of toilet paper behind my back and proceed to throw a big fat, melt down, Barbie style pity party. Complete with tears, running mascara, snot, sobbing, convulsing and other assorted ammenities - jeez you would have thought that I had just heard about someone dying, but for me in that moment, I felt a little piece of hope dying.........don't know why it hit me so hard but I just kept thinking DAMNIT THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!!

Now fast forward to the end of the lamenting, wailing, weeping and gnashing of teeth.......I had finished thrashing around on the floor and cleaned up the green pea soup that I had spewed out only to discover that the only real antidote for my recent onset of mental illness would be chocolate - now I don't keep chocolate in the house for this reason.........just don't, not chocolate chips, not hershey kisses, nothing - I know it's a bad thing - lethal - I'm a junkie and I can't just have one hit of crack! So I'm thinking - no way in hell I'm going out at this point looking like a devil's reject and hubby is pretty much out of the question since he has been sitting outside the bathroom door for 45 minutes wondering what in the F**k is wrong with me........was I that upset about cooking his dinner??? Shit - what am I going to do now........hmmmmm.......think Barbie, think!! Well I have some chocolate Ex-Lax that I took last year when I was well - you know why you take Ex Lax - that would take care of the chocolate craving but the after effects of that are just not pretty - I can't possibly think that is a solution! Hell, I ate all of the Nesquick choco powder that I bought for the kid.......yep, I did, spoonful by spoonful - hence, the reason I refuse to buy chocolate........who else eats Nesquick powder - okay actually it is really good but can be a bit poor son really misses chocolate milk! The only other chocolate bit that I can imagine having is some sugar free, instant pudding mix - could I, should I, would I..........hell yeah I would, could, should - at this point it could be the difference between Ken living to see another day or not! I slide back up the wall and stand up, wobbly legged - damn foot is asleep, the toilet paper is crushed - crap I just bought that too and it's the good stuff - now the rolls won't even fit on the holder - shit! I look in the mirror to survey the damage done to my face - I look like the victim of car accident.........blotchy skin, swollen eyes, in short I look like hell - there is even snot in my hair........I am looking real classy at this point! I start to plan my attack.........I turn the lock on the bathroom door and attempt to turn the handle........okay, I turn the lock on the bathroom door and attempt to turn the handle........hmmmm, lets try this one more time, I turn the lock on the bathroom door and attempt to turn the handle - ummm, WTF - at this point I am convinced that Ken has come to the conclusion that I really am insane and he has proceeded to lock me in the bathroom until the looney bin arrives - I feel the tears again.........not out of panic or frustration but DAMNIT if I don't get some chocolate soon I'm going really lose it! Ken comes to rescue and opens the door - kisses me, tells me he loves me and quickly realizes that I have no time for him and do not require his attention - yeah, yeah babe, love you too now please move.........he nods his head in understanding........he knows that I am running straight to the place where things begin and end for me..........the "by the hour motel" so to speak where I can lose myself - now please don't have pity or sympathy for me......this is real and really bad - the fact that I will run into the arms of my kitchen lover rather than that of a real live person is a problem - I know this, I have read the damn self help books, can spot a binge and walk through the "step away from the fridge" steps.........I have tried to busy myself with projects and "discover" my inner child and her reasons for using food as comfort but looks, facts are facts - I was upset, I didn't give a shit, I tied the inner child up and in my reasoning, I realized that knitting fucking christmas stockings was NOT going to take my mind off chocolate!

I get to the kitchen, almost tripping over not one but both of my cats - I swear they are so smart sometimes but at other times they have no idea how close they come to death!! Finally I have reached the promise land........the land where chips and cookies flow - I open the cabinet - hmmmmm, lets see what do we have here - cheese puffs - ick, pork rinds - god help me - blek - there it is, in the back (quivering in fear, what are you gonna do to me - the box asks) - my evil grin gives away my this point the screams and shreaks for JELLO are no more for me - I don't hear them - just the blood rushing my ears - I tear open the box and then the package (at which point it shoots all over the damn counter tops - screw it I'll clean it later)........I see the fine powder, groping for a spoon, can't get the drawer open.......damn drawer, damn house, finally it breaks lose - I grab the spoon (oh yeah this calls for a big one - tablespoon) - I'm so sorry Mr Chocolate Pudding but my hurt and anger must be absolved - someone must pay for the infertility that I face and that someone is you. I stick the spoon in - not slowly - I am not trying to be gently but rather I am intent on pulling out the slightly greyish powder???? - isn't this chocolate??? - for a fleeting moment I wonder "just how old is this shit".........I pull the powder up to my lips and then I remember that in one of my zillion self help books it says to be aware of what you are eating - why the hell I took this moment to remember that, I will never know - but I stopped for a simple second and inhaled............awwwww, smell the chocolatey goodness - oh wait, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD, IT BURNS, IT BURNS - I cannot believe that I was stupid enough to SNORT chocolate pudding mix up my freaking nose...........does anyone have any idea how much that crap burns - that stuff could have been boric acid for all I knew.........not only did I sniff it but I snorted it.........I'm talking huge inhale - swear to god in heaven that I could feel the tiny pudding particles riding up into my sinus cavities, down into my throat - I thought I was going to choke, I'm sputtering and coughing - blowing chocolately snot all over my damn kitchen - poor Ken - he comes running in, probably thinking that I have just swallowed a gallon of bleach only to find grey powder everywhere.......brown shit running out of my now, I'm choking, eyes watering........he thinks I need the freaking Heimlich (sp) manuever - God I was humiliated!!!

So I spent the rest of the night trying to sleep sitting semi upright because, and please take note, snot and pudding mix create really thick snot! Even this morning I am feeling the sinus drainage and getting sick all over again!!! So please, please pass this word on to your friends, children, family - JUST SAY NO TO PUDDING MIX!!! It isn't worth it!! Next time I'm eating the Ex-Lax!

Monday, July 23, 2007

I put up a new before/after picture of Steph/Barbie/Trixie!!!

"I Have A Dream"

All right - I'm sure you are all saying shut the hell up Barbie........see what being MIA for a couple of days does to me??? Geez you would think this was like crack or something.......I really gotta get a grip!

So on to my point - I need opinions and honesty here........I want to write a book! I love to write and have always wanted to write a book - the title would be the same as my blog title.........I just think that people should know the reality of losingn is so much more than some bubbleheaded aerobic instructor or fluff stuffed counsellor can ever describe. That is one of the reasons that I love this place - I can be real - people are real - life sucks sometimes, dieting sucks a lot of the time, exercise is hard, eating healthy is expensive and YES folks, sometimes after all our hard work pays off we realize that we have still gained a pannus and that, in and of itself, SUCKS ASS! So my saggy boob, jiggly butt, pannus toting self wants to write a book - maybe pannus talk isn't for everyone or the fact that I had some kind of orgy with banana pudding may be a little to riscae for some but I think real life weight loss stories are inspring. In fact - NOTHING inspires me more than to read about each of your successes, trials, tribulations, tears, laughter and joy. Weight issues are rough......dieting is harder.......loving yourself is the hardest!

So what would you guys think about compiling our stories and putting them in a book form??? Maybe it's a dumb idea - maybe no one would ever buy it BUT maybe it would inspire someone to "hold on", to "dream big", to "just do it" or to "break on through to the other side"..........let me know what you think about it. It might take some time to get it orchestrated and put together but it would be fun in the process!! I think we are an extraordinary (or insane, obsessive compuslive and ADD) group of people and we should share our insights with others!


Just a little tid bit of info - Victoria Secret is having there semi-annual sale so they have huge bins of bras for $12.99 - just this weekend I bought RED (oh yeah), black, white and pink - the RED was for Trixie, pink for Barbie and black/white ones were for Steph...........I'm in Texas so things may be different across the country but you should really hit that store - nothing gives you boobies like VS or God - but obviously God chose not to give me boobies.......instead of boobies I got a double helping of ass.........why, why, why?????

Barbie Has BOOBS!!!

Hi all!! Wow I really missed you guys so much! Friday was a day of utter insanity.......picture me in my tricked out Trixie wardrobe only to be deployed to one of our construction sites for the WHOLE DAMN DAY!!! WTF - boys these boots weren't made for mud.......oh my gosh. So that left me pretty much out of the loop - the only good thing that was happening was the new engineer that was sporting the backhoe had a really NICE backhoe - wink, wink!! I think he was mentally "feeling me up" until I tripped and fell in the mud.........yep, classy is what I am! I also was wearing a white shirt.......hmmmmm - it was oh so obvious!

After struggling with that mess all day I was wiped out so I hit the mall. I really needed a "for real Trixie" moment and I knew that it wasn't going to happen in a shirt that had dried mud flaking off of it. I hit Victoria Secret and bought this amazing bra that makes me look like I have boobs - what a concept!! NO girls, I'm talking in my throat boobs..........and it was red too!! Next I hit Old Navy and bought this really cute top and then to American Eagle for some shoes!! Then I made the mad dash for Sears so that I could change clothes in their bathroom - God that was disgusting!! I felt like a hooker or I should be shaving my arm pits in their sink and then air drying under the hand dryer.........ewwwwww!! You should have seen the looks that I got when I emerged from the bathroom aka Barbie's Glamour Shop........I actually was a little proud! I used tissue paper to blot off some of the oil/sweat from my face.........used eyeshadow from the bottom of my purse and freshened up my blush and lipstick with the same tube - it was really quite a sight! Why in the hell I went through all this trouble I have no idea.......but I can tell you that when I walked in that stall I felt like shit and looked like it! But when I emerged I felt like Trixie.

What do you ask, did I do with my super sexy self - hmmmmm, did I dance it up all night? Did I go get a drink and wait for the offers to roll in? Did I go home and have jungle sex???? F*ck NO - I went to bingo with my inlaws............god I am pathetic! I do have to say that the one good thing about bingo is that I am by far the youngest and thinnest woman in there and those poor young guys that work there are typically all over is kind of flattering - I know I'm awful!! The only problem is that they blatantly flirt in front of the inlaws - makes it a little tense at the table!! Oh yeah - I also won $150.00 - guess I got kudos for hanging with the inlaws!! So with my winnings I went shopping again on Saturday.........more bras and some really cute tops! It was a lot of fun and I realized how much I needed some me time. After my shopping excursion I threw a suprise party for my mother in law and then hubby and I came home and watched Collette's "movie" - sorry you probably didn't want to know that!! I am attributing it to the new bra - something about red!!!

Yesterday I got a nasty stomach bug so I was pretty much down for the count........I think it might have had something to do with shoving my ass into my size 2 jeans.......I was soooooo excited to be able to get back into them but I've got another 5 pounds or so before they feel like they used to. Now don't freak when I say size 2 - first they are American Eagle AND they stretch so probably not a fair 2 but I don't give a shit cause that is what the tag says!!! I told hubby on Saturday morning "my day will determined on if I can get these jeans on" - his reponse was "good luck" to which I said "thanks". He came back with "I was wishing myself luck not you" - poor guy - I wonder some days how he puts up with my obsessive compulsive behavior! So I crammed my ass into the jeans - victorous but looks like I'm gonna have to up my parking garage walking!

I have a ton of catching up to do and I can't wait to read all your posts - hope you had a great weekend!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

They Don't Call Me Nutter-Butter for Nuttin!

So I didn't actually jump off the deep end, face first into a massive vat of cookies but what is it about a flippin Nutter Butter cookie that can send me to the moon and back??? Last night Barbie rolls into the cheapo depot Wally world because Central Market may just be on black balled list due to their damn deceptive practices with green beans and their slow ass checkers! So I hit the Wal-Mart - I really hate having to buy produce there because it always pathetic looking but I had to have apples and was not willing to wade through the swamps to get my local fruit stand (damn this rain we have had in TX). Have I mentioned that for some reason I seem to be hardwired to go to the grocery store every damn day........God this drives hubby crazy - he doesn't understand my need to visit a store everyday.........I chalk it up to living vicariously through all the other people there purchasing products that I know I can never eat, not to mention - I weighed almost 400 pounds because I visited fast food joints everyday - cut me some freakin slack and be glad that at least it is only the grocery store!

So I'm wondering around the wonderful world of small town Walmart and trying to show restraint as I pass down the gerber puff aisle (obviously I am not even safe around baby food - god I'm wacked) and the cereal aisle (cereal is a big no no for me - in fact last night I dreamt about eating lucky charms straight out of the box while standing in line at WalMart).......anything that can be consumed by the handful is bad news for me - I know this - I accept this and I have learned to work around it. I have learned that cereal makes me fat - really, I will eat every damn marshmellow out of the box of lucky charms - I will pick the berries out of Captain Crunch and don't even think of bringing a cocoa puff into my house! I buy the kid the individual certeal boxes because that way I won't be tempted to sneak a handful every time I pass lame is that??? Okay back to the damn story - focus Barbie, focus - I hit the cookie in my Walmart they put the cookie aisle on an outside aisle right across from the yogurt and eggs........thanks guys - so I can't buy a dozen f'ing eggs without thinking I could have an egg white omelet for dinner or I could have OREO's..........every damn time I have the debate. Every time I go to the store the hubby asks for cookies (most of the time I refuse to buy them - hell I fry the guy french fries and onion rings for dinner but I won't buy cookies, makes sense right??) well this time I caved.........they were calling out to me. A red package containing what looks like a nut but tastes like a piece of creamy heaven........mmmmmmmm - I look at the yogurt - at this point I am still coherent enough to check and see if there is a suitable alternative for my most recent insane craving - peanut butter yogurt - let's see, Dannon, WW, Yoplait, some generic shit that I have no idea what it's called, Pro Active yogurt laced with some sort of micro organisms that will probably eat your colon.............they have mango melon, peach pie, apple pie, chocolate for christ's sake but nothing remotely resembling peanut butter........SHIT........scan the egg section - f'ing right - that ain't gonna happen. They say 15 minutes and a craving will pass.......LYING bastards is what they are - I'm pacing, marching back and forth (does this count as exercise) - I start sweating and salivating........get a grip Barbie it's a freakin cookie not a damn Iron Lung this point, I'm like junkie, got the vein tied off and tapping around.......I have to have them.......just to possess that package and hubby will be oh so happy - this could potentially be the motivation he needs to paint my bathroom (talked about wacky rationalization - nutter butters = painting - yeah right). So I grab the package - f*ck what - I'm just gonna do it. After banana pudding, green beans and 1200 laps through the parking garage I'm worn down - I stroll through the rest of the store - pick up my apples and try to tell myself that I won't partake of them......just holding the package is like getting the golden ticket and touring the god forsaken wonka factory plus I don't really want to look like an OOMPA LOOMPA and with the way my week has been going I am going to be ready to "literally roll" soon! So I know - I could have bought a granola bar or an energy bar or a freakin slim fast for that matter but damnit to hell Barbie wanted Nutter Butters........they are packaged in red - the color of Satan.......I can see the resemblance now!

Finally I got through the checkout complete with 2 apples (why I don't buy more I will never know, I think it is my subliminal way of being able to go back to the store???) a bottle of water and a package of cookies - it felt very similar to my days of ordering 2 Number 1 meals, super sized please, with a diet coke and a regular coke - see my theory was if you order 2 different sodas then they automatically think - oh how sweet this insanely overweight, crammed in her tiny Geo Metro with no A/C, thus causing her to sweat profusely is ordering dinner for her handsome prince charming husband - shit I was delusional - you know the pimpley faced 16 year old guy at the window was thinking Holy Shit - I gotta get this bitch her food cause she may eat me!!!

I get my purchases home and immediately present my sacrafice to hubby - I remind him of how incredibly difficult it is for me to purchase junk food for him but that in a moment of total self sacrafice and martyism I decided to set my own dreams and aspirations aside. I decided that, once again, that his happiness was much more important than my own and that somehow I would muster up the courage to look those evil cookies in the eye and fight with all that was in me......I would be a winner and strive every day to make him proud to call me his wife. Then I HIT HIM WITH IT - "so my sweet, wonderful, hunk of a hubby - will you paint the bathroom this weekend (said in my most dripping sweet, slightly playful voice)..........his reply was simple and to the point - he replied NO but I'll buy you the paint - Damn you Ken give me my cookies!!!

So here I sit with a half eaten package of Nutter Butters (no I didn't eat them - hubby did and I hope that they gave him heartburn and make the rest of his fall out - damnit, damnit, damnit!!!) and a bathroom in which the paint is peeling and stained with raccoon pee (I'll save that for another post)............Barbie lives in a bomb shelter but she has Nutter Butters!!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Awesome Recipe!!

My family and I love this recipe - everywhere I take it I have people that rave and beg for the recipe. The best part is that it is super easy and fast. I have also substituted the shrimp for pre-cooked chicken.........really girls/guys - you have to try this one!

Oh by the way - I don't have time to chop up green onions so I use dried onions....we still like it!

Try it and let me know what you think!

Shrimp Supreme
1 box (6 oz) wild rice mix such as Uncle Ben's,
3 oz. light cream cheese (1/3 less fat),
1 box fresh sliced mushrooms (6 oz.),
1 small red bell pepper (diced),
4 green onions (sliced),
1 3/4 cups hot water,
2 tsp. fresh lemon juice,
12 oz. cooked shrimp.

Heat oven to 425.
Mix rice mix with seasoning packet and remaining ingredients EXCEPT shrimp in ungreased 1 1/2 quart dish. Mix well.
Cover and bake 30 minutes.
Stir in shrimp.
Cover and bake 5-10 minutes.

(4 servings. 6 points per serving. Serving size: 1 1/2 cups)

Satan Invented the Green Bean!

My title sounds insane but it more true than you could ever picture this ~ it is lovely Tuesday afternoon, sun shining brightly, cool breeze (well not really - there was no breeze and it was hotter than blazes but I'm trying to give you a visual) and Barbie (aka ME) hops into her hot pink Vette (aka my crappy Chevy Impala) to buy some groceries. As I pull into the Central Market parking lot, complete with all the damn rich people who assume that they own the whole freakin store and make it a point to remind you that you really aren't Barbie and that their handbag cost more than whole wardrobe.......but back to the story. I park my car, slightly embarrassed by the scratches and the flapping plastic trim (damnit KEN fix the trim on my car door.....SHIT! - sorry again)........where was I - I park my car right next to a brand new SAAB and get out.....I am in my work clothes except for Nike tennies that I am wearing for my walk after the store so at least I look presentable - and yes, they were real work clothes not my Trixie clothes!

I get in the store and mill around a bit - I just love that place - really who would have ever imagined there being 57 different kinds of apples...........who the hell thinks of a new "flavor" of apple?? So between the apples, the 97 varieties of pork, 16 flavors of milk and umpteen other fine items I get to the "BULK" section - crap - I've been doing this for 4 years so you would think that I would have learned to steer clear of the "BULK" section - but what can I say - I have a thing for size (sorry)! So I'm just looking around - reminding myself that regardless of how innocent and "good for you" the trail mix looks, it isn't. It is evil.....wrong......and will possibly send me over the edge......why you ask? Well see I am not the person that is capable of eating a 2 peanuts, 2 raisins and small choco chip - I'm just not that girl - I am the giddy, slobbering woman who is inhaling the trail mix, only stopping long enough to make sure that there is ample chocolate in each handful. So I steer clear of trailmix but a girl can dream right???

As I am rummaging through the various tubs and tins of tantalizing trail mix.........oh God give me strength........I am pondering the perrils of pistachio crunch mix and thinking "what would banana pudding think"......."he would be crushed if he knew of my infedility".........and suddenly I stumble across them........girls right in the midst of trail mix and candy heaven there is a bin that I can possess...........awwwwwwwwwwwwww.........Barbie just hit the jackpot - baby!!! I see what appear to be dehydrated veggies.......they look just like vegetables and are called dehydrated veggie chips...........WOOHOO - Holy God - Mother of Mary - someone pinch me cause I'm dreaming!!! Well hell - I promptly put on a handy, dandy surgical glove and started digging like the rest of the "normal" folks in that store - ha - take that you rich bitch......Barbie can dig in the bins too! So I scoop out some veggies feeling oh so justified and a teensy weensy bit excited - okay - I am damn near ready to burst with excitement - I make a mad dash to the tofu aisle and grab that shit (tofu used to be very sacred to me but to hell with tofu - who needs it when you got dehydrated veggie chips)..........okay now stop for just one second - I am the habitual label reader....really I am obsessive about it - I can calculate a points value in 2.2 seconds.....I can almost sniff out high calorie and fat content.......everything and I mean EVERYTHING is weighed out by fat versus fiber - in fact, Ken better lose some weight and gain some hair or his fat/fiber content will be off and I'll have to not partake of him......know what I mean ~wink wink~. So I get through the line, which could not have had a more lazy cashier........seriously, dumb, slow and rude must have been requirements when he got that would think since I am paying $7.99 per pound for dehydrated veggies that he would have moved his ass a bit??? I make it back to the car - not caring that I slung the door open with such vigor that trim almost slapped me in the leg or that I had almost dinged the brand new SAAB next to me. I wrip into the ziploc bag that holds my small token of normalacy.......something that really connects me to rich, thin, plastic surgeoned women that spend their days at the salon and gym and their nights sipping wine on the terrace. I start eating - one green bean......mmmmmm, sweet/salty but I can taste some oil........but really - the tag said dehydrated - you don't dehydrate with oil, right??? I continue to sample and practically inhale my $4.00 bag of "veggies" this point, I no longer feel the need for anything - I could probably join the convent and live a life of service at this point but I'm thinking that if they ever saw me in my Trixie clothes I would probably get kicked out!

I journey back to my office and walk the parking garage........I feel justified, I feel normal, I feel healthy and invigorated. I maneuver back to my computer and settle in with a bottle of water - feeling oh so smug. I then decide to look up the calorie content of those veggie chips - thank you google for ruining my entire life.......for sending my dreams crashing......dashing my hopes.......a downward spiral into utter despair - wanna know why - do you really wanna know the dirty truth - as painful as it is to retell it I feel obligated to warn you all...........those MF'ING chips were planted in that aisle by Satan himself........they were approx 130 calories per ounce with 5 grams of since I purchased a fucking half pound bag let me do the math........1,040 calories and 40 grams of are shitting way is that possible........who in the hell decides to take a basic potato chip, fashion it into a f'ing green bean and market it as a "veggie chip"...........WTF-ever.........veggie chip my ass. I am still fuming - I guess that I should be upset with myself for not planning - I know the rules but in my defense I was ambushed! The sad thing is that I don't think I will ever be able to look at a green bean the same again - after that betrayal......I don't think we can rebuild at this point.......maybe a trial seperation will help but I'm seriously thinking that we may need a permanent break from each other.......maybe at some point my heart will have healed and I can try to allow you back in.........I just don't know right now - I just need to be alone, I'm sorry.

Okay - So that is my saga yesterday - I'm telling you guys and girls normalacy doesn't pay! Barbie's off to walk the parking garage AGAIN - lap 979...........

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Okay - I'm Having an Affair!!!

Yep - that is exactly how it happened Officer!

Shit is all I can say - so I have to start this story out with a little confession............ummmm, how can I say this delicately........uhhhhh - well see I'm, a, yeah I'm a food sneak - there - I said it - it's out - I feel much lighter now! So yes, I am the constant offender of sticking my fingers into bowls and pulling out small bites and licks - I shouldn't and for the most part I show some restraint and know my weakness so I put leftovers and goodies in the garage fridge - I know sad isn't it!

So last night I couldn't sleep - I tossed and turned and basically was feeling the sweat trickle down my back (damn A/C) and thought I am dying - I swear to you it was so damn hot that I was seriously considering sleeping in my you also have to know that I take medicine to sleep so anytime after say, 10:00 I am basically incoherent - I'm talking almost drooling and walking like a drunk........proof of this would be last night I put on my nightgown AFTER taking my meds and I put it on inside out - well by the time I realized it there was no getting it off AND back on and as much as hubby would like it - I ain't sleep naked - Barbie ain't built like that!! So back to my story - I creep out of bed - totally innocent at this point - not wanting to wake hubby. I tiptoe down the hallway trying to maneouver around the cats who insist on laying completely sprawled out on their back thus blocking any passage down the hall (they have no idea how close to death this brings them - in my drunken state I could easily stumble and potentially crush one of them or just paralyze them for life - do they make cat wheelchairs in pink?) So I get out the door and head for the garage - at this point I'd be lying if I said that I didn't know why I was going out there - hell who am I kidding - what woman hangs out in her garage at 1:00 a.m. - so I'm trying to be stupid but I have already plotted out my plan - mmmmmm there is banana pudding in that fridge and it is calling my name - I pull open the door and I swear to you the f'ing hallelujah chorus is going off - now I've have planned this whole love affair out but I have neglected to bring a spoon - shit isn't that how it always happens - oops sorry babe I forgot a condom - 9 months later you're knocked up with the postman's baby all the while trying to explain to the hubby why in the hell "his" baby has brown eyes and you both have blue??? Okay sorry back to the story - so I tear off the lid with total abandon - I don't care if get pregnant with a vanilla wafers baby - damnit - it doesn't matter to me what others think........I need this - I want this - I dig a finger in..........pull out a cookie and EAT IT.........we didn't just do it once but 4 or 5 times - each time with more fever and passion that the first!!! It was bliss (I would say I felt alive but actually I felt drunk that isn't applicable here) and then suddenly I hear the door creak open - shit - oh my god - cover it up - hurry - what have I done - how did he find us???? My first instinct is to hide and slam the door shut - hubby comes in laughing his ass off (knowing exactly what I've been doing) but laughing at the fact that I am trying to hide 4 fingers that are completely covered in pudding.........jesus - how did that get there.........where am I - yeah that is my futile attempt at pretending to be sleep walking. He knows, I know he knows and I'm mortified...........I say nothing - what is left to say - fingers don't lie - the truth is out - now I must rebuild but first I must sleep..........hubby smokes and then we go to bed. He holds me and tells me it will be all right and to go wash my hands - yeah, not only did I cheat but I also smeared the mess all over my pillow in my drunken haze...........a lasting reminder of what I did.

My next question is: Will be caught keep me away?? For a while maybe but I know that one day I will meet up with this lover and rekindle this passion - I can only hope that Ken will forgive me once again.

Monday, July 16, 2007

A piece of advice!

So no one asked me for advice but I'm throwing it out there - this is something I learned after much work and many tears - god how I wish that I could have managed to get this through my thick plastic skull! So here it is - now really - this sounds so run of the mill but if we could all get this concept (me included) we would spend so much less time beating ourselves up........drumroll please!!!! *****Little things, be them good or bad, add up to a BIG thing***** I think that for me I spend a lot of time trying to lose 10 pounds in a week - I forget that if I could just focus on the baby steps, the tried and true - even though I get so freaking sick of walking that damn garage and drinking the damn water (sorry that was a mini-vent) - that I would eventually get where I want to be. I mean really - there are 2 options for my weight tomorrow - I can either be lighter or heavier than I am today but one way or the other my weight is still going to be there...........I know that sounds way too much like it came from a plastic brain but really my mom told me (this was in reference to going back to college but should be implemented into every facet of our lives) that tomorrow is coming regardless of how I choose to spend today - the next sunrise is inevitable so where do I want to be tomorrow or a year from now.........because it is coming - no doubt about that.

I know seems random for me but after reading Colette's post and Jenn's post I just wanted to throw my hat in the ring so - vote for Barbie - I promise world peace, lots of laughs and ken dolls all around!!!

Bad Breath Barbie

Happy Monday all! Things so far have gone well - I made my list this morning and I have checked off almost everything, including water, exercise, important phone calls and next will be blogging - WOOHOO! Funny how some stupid check mark can make you feel like a damn HeMan - why is it that the scale sends me into a total tizzy and a f'ing check mark can make me celebrate like I just hit the Publishers Clearing House???? I'm seriously thinking of therapy - lol!

So after my stripping episode - oh god help us all (I think I traumatized my cats as my sweet baby Kali runs like hell when I approach) I decided that I needed dinner. Now girls, I am a creature of habit - I seriously eat the same thing every day - I know.......sounds wacky and random but no one ever said I was normal. So I get on these weird kicks and all I'll eat for months is egg whites and vegetables or spinach salad and tilapia..........stupid shit like that. Well the mother load of cravings hit me over the weekend and guess what my body has decided it has a taste for now............onions - what the hell is that about??? My mom, (the nurse and also the ultimate alarmist) insists that when I crave something it is because my body is lacking a nutrient........can anyone tell me what nutrient an onion provides??? So when the husband asks what I'm having for dinner (of course he is giving me the wink wink because he thinks he's getting lucky - yeah, right after that damn workout video I'm not even gonna take off my clothes to shower!) and I respond - hmmmmm......I think I'm in the mood for a an onion cooked in the oven with ketchup.......seriously, he looked at me like I had lost my god forsaken mind! It actually was quite comical to see the look on his face and have him ponder how in the hell he is going to live through three months of me eating onions.........I don't know how he is going to do it - not my problem! So I ate my onion and it was sooo incredibly good but then I started feeling bad - really, Matel could not possibly introduce "Onion Breath Barbie" and her trusty sidekick "Altoid Girl" - so does anyone have any ideas on how to squash a craving for onions??? Shit - I guess craving onions is better than craving chocolate??? And how do you counts points for onions???

On to my confession - three words for you all - Gerber Baby Puffs!!!! I am the only human being alive that could possibly consume 300 calories of fucking baby food.........I mean really, when you rip open the top of the 2nd cannister it should be a news flash - "Hey Barbie bitch, you are eating baby food - you are deranged - who in their right mind binges on baby food????" Hmmmm, that would be me my weekend went kind of like this, onions, ketchup, baby food, gum, egg whites and popcorn...................I did throw in some veggies here and there and also some light laughing cow but obviously me menu was not the least bit healthy - when will I learn??

One more thing - NSV for me - 2 guys hit on me Saturday night - don't laugh - they did work at the bingo hall BUT they are young and cute so I'm not complaining!! I also had just thrown down about $50 so maybe they were just trying to make me feel better but damnit I don't mind paying $50 for a night of bingo and a couple of "You look hot tonight?" Hubby tells me all the time that I'm beautiful but I do like to solicit comments from wherever I can get them - well minus the crazy, preaching bunny and the weird female cop that has a thing for hardhats!!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sweating to the Strip Tease!!

Okay girls I did it - I bought that damn Carmen Electra strip tease workout video............hehe - you should have seen the hubby - he was ready to wet his damn pants!!! I on the other hand was feeling a little less than coordinated so I was preparing myself for the worst...........and I was right - I looked like I should be on Barbie Gone Wild. Jesus - I was shaking it (ALL OF IT - yes girls the slapping sounds were not my husband smacking my ass and waving dollar bills but it happened to be all the flaps and folds of skin smacking together - I'm gonna have to invest in some heavy duty saran wrap to wrap that shit in or I'm gonna throw something out!). So here I am, in my living room, in suburbia - now I live in a house that has huge windows with no covering - yes despite my dark brooding I do like some sunshine.......the only thing that saved me from total humiliation is the fact that every person on my street is over 75 so if one of them had come out and seen me through the window they probably would have offered to push their "help I've fallen and can't get up button" for me.

Lets just sum it by saying that hubby was all about buying me a pole until he came in (well snuck in - cause I banished him from the room) and saw the horror of it! Now I'm trying to imagine myself in a pair of my hooker shoes and shaking it??? I do have some thigh high boots - a spur of the moment purchased that almost resulted in a broken leg for me and hubby get his poked out.....damn that was bad - you know, I'm trying to be sexy and svelt all walking around the room in these hooker, thigh high boots - of course just about the time I try to be cute, my ankle gives out.......down I go - legs in the air, ass hurting and pride was even worse - that, my friends is when I decided that sexy was what you made it and trust me I look much sexier standing up right without a body cast!

Back to the exercise video - stupid is all I can say. I couldn't even finish it by myself. God did not intend for me to move like that and there is nothing seductive about me trying to shake, shimey and keep the skin from smacking me in the chin - maybe if I had fake boobs insted of figs hanging from a branch or if I had muscles instead of bat wings??? Not sure but I'm thinking that video may hit ebay real soon.......I'm gonna have to stick to walking or some other non-rythmic exercise cause Barbie can't dance - I can shake it but shaking it to choreography is not how mother nature intended for me to lose weight - in fact it's a good thing that I never had to do that for a living or I would have been dead f'ing broke for sure!

I am running behind on catching up on everybody so it may be tomorrow before I get all the way there - oh yeah and I guess tomorrow will be confession time - shit I totally ate my weight in Gerber kiddie puffs - don't ask - it isn't pretty!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Trixie Update

Hey guess what - I learned to semi-wash my hair in the ladies was pure bliss!!! I have decided since the morning sucked that I will be fergilicious Trixie if it freaking kills me - so I am off to shake it and hang my head out the car window in an effort to dry my hair!!

The Trials of Trixe - Part 1

Okay so it is officially f'ing Friday the 13th.........jesus - first of all - my power was out last night at home so on top of the insanity that usually runs through my house, I had to deal with sweat rolling down my ass while I was trying to update on everyone's day.......nothing like your ass sticking to fake leather to make you feel ultra sexy......yuck! So I bring in my packages - hubby makes no noise which is a good idea for him and proceed to plan out my Friday - never thinking that it is going to be Friday the 13th.

So Friday the 13th is here – lets see how does it start – the alarm clock not going off…..yeah – so now we have Barbie hookered up with unwashed hair – this is not attractive. I go running out the front door shoes in hand and throw everything I own in with me – I have thrown my makeup, jewelry and shoes all in my briefcase at breakneck speed thinking I’ll do it on the way – you see I had a meeting at 9 with a building inspector…… this city you have to break arms to get meetings so missing it wasn’t an option – only problem was that it started at 9 and I woke up at 8:30 – drive time is approx. 30 minutes…..odds are I’m gonna be late! So I’m in the car – when I discover that I have spilled eyeshadow all in my briefcase – great, spec-f’ing-tacular…….now my hand is covered in purple powder – this should be cute. I get to City Hall without hurling myself through a plate glass window or cutting my wrist and begin the mad dash to this guys office……..of course I am also carrying blueprints, briefcase complete with purple handprints and trying to put on earrings. I get to this dude’s office and he is OLD with a capital O – he is unimpressed by my Trixie attire, my purple hands and my inability to be on time. Shit there goes my hope of getting him to push my plans through. I make small talk – chit chat – try to explain that I am not a total flake but rather a nearly middle aged woman with obsessive compulsive tendencies towards food, a personality disorder and an insane sadness at the fact that I cannot get pregnant thus become fat again………jesus – this guy thinks I’m a damn loon. The meeting lasted 15 minutes at the most – of course with me being late it is 9:30 – I have to make the trek back to my office to prepare for a 10:00 meeting sooooo I go bolting up the stairs, down the sidewalk, to the car and race to my office – I walk in and my next appt. is showing up – he looks me up and down…….he starts to drool and I realize that I am going to be trapped in a room with this disgusting creature for 2 hours or more…….GREAT! Where is the preaching bunny lady when you need her??

Long story short – the meeting location changes to 6 blocks down the street – so off I go with “Larry the Cableguy” in tow – this guy is so gross that he insists on letting me walk in front of him……how crude can you be. Now normally I blow that stuff off but this guy is a consultant that works for me – he is dressed in a cheap suit and wearing cowboy boots that are more pointy than my stiletto heels – Christ this guy looks like JR Ewing……we get to the meeting and it is fairly uneventful – the trip back to my office is a classic though – it starts to rain……yep – rain – my response to the rain sounds something like “Son of a Bitch” – JR is loving the fact that my shirt is white and my umbrella is in my office – he makes not move to try to speed up his pace…….he is either enjoying the show or those stupid fucking boots have cut off the circulation to his legs??? So I’m running through downtown, soaking wet, picture Barbie with unwashed, now wet hair – doesn’t make for a pretty sight……I did however get rid of the purple eyeshadow issue! SO I’m running – attempting to salvage any dignity and clothing coverage that I can…….when what next happens??? My heel gets stuck in a grate in the sidewalk……..yes girls, picture Barbie flat on her face wondering “Where the fuck did my shoe go??” Ferdinand aka JR is looking down at me on the sidewalk – I’m sure he was attempting to look up my skirt but regardless – this mf’er never offers me a hand but rather stares like he is dazed…… I get up and attempt to pull together any shred of dignity that I may have left – it’s lunchtime people are looking out of restaurants wondering what the hell is wrong with that chick?? I attempt to put my shoe back on but the heel is stuck in the grate…..I should leave it there but then I’m going to look like a total gimp as I try to walk 4 more blocks with one shoe on and one shoe off – in the end I manage to yank, pull and wrestle my shoe out of the man eating grate in the sidewalk – I’m sure that I showed my ass to half of downtown and surely Ferdinand saw it with as hard as he was looking………I’m feeling a little less than Fergilicious and GLAMOROUS – more like Barbie in a broke down El Camino trying to hitch a ride on the wrong side of town – God what did I expect on Friday the 13th??

Thursday, July 12, 2007

I Want A Baby Barbie!!

Okay so this is a total vent - complete with foul language, screaming, ranting and total bitching!!! My mom just called and my baby cousin - she just freakin got out of high school is pregnant - WTF - help me understand!!!!! I have been trying for 9 months and I can't even get my damn period to show up let alone 2 lines............shit!!! So now, after living most of my life unhealthy, I get that way and I can't reproduce. Help me understand this - this isn't fair - I hate this - I hate the BIG FAT NEGATIVE every f'ing month........every month I go through the "maybe it took" and every damn time it ends up with me trying to keep a stiff upper lip.........well screw being okay with it - I'm not okay with it - I swear to God I'm gonna end up the crazy fucking cat lady.......seriously, I am so deranged with baby fever at this point that I have resorted to dressing my cat in sweaters and calling her a pretty princess. I carry pictures of my cats around in my wallet - something is wrong with that!

I know that I am just being a crybaby and there are so many things that I have to be thankful for but it just is so heartbreaking for me to even walk down the baby aisle makes me so sad. Sad on a level that I didn't know existed - empty sad. I guess it is pretty ironic that I can be a total basket case about the last 5 pounds yet have some kind of incessant need to gain 40 pounds worth of pregnancy........I am totally neurotic I think!!!

So now that I have finished my monthly pity party I guess I should get back to real life.......hmmmmm, I feel a Trixie day coming on tomorrow - that is if the swelling in my jaw stays away......cross your fingers girls!

Okay so I was almost done with my rant but then hubby called to tell me the power is out at home - apparently a fuse is out and half the town is without electricity - just freaking great - it is about 100 degrees outside so things should be peachy by the time I get home............I'm saying screw it - I'm going to the mall and buying a hookerish, Trixie outfit for tomorrow...........something that I won't be able to wear when I'm pregnant or become a respectable mommy.........I gotta nix the heels though - my toes are just getting the feeling back from last streetwalker moment...........geez! All right I'm "Off Like A Prom Dress" - gonna shop till the power comes back on!

Power of Positive Thinking

A bloated Barbie doll is not attractive - YIKES - I'm thinking the pain meds are sending me over the edge??? My pants are tight today and my tummy just feels a little off - my mouth is still a bit sore but I can't really complain. Hubby is still being good but of course he is still hoping for a "make-up" session - I, on the other hand, am trying to determine if I can pull off one more day of "my mouth hurts".......probably not though!

I so missed blogging yesterday - funny how it becomes such a part of my daily life! So while doped up yesterday I had plenty of time to think of all the things I wanted to write about - sad thing is that I can't really remember them!! One thing that I have been asked a gazillion times is "do you have any secrets for success" - ummmmm, no - sorry but there really isn't any secret to it. It is kind of funny when I think about how I managed to take off the weight.........I guess before I felt like I wasn't really doing it but I was. Now I feel like I am fighting tooth and toenail and still can't get rid of the poundage! I will say that I heard about a study that was done at a University in which 2 groups of dieters were tested. One group was told that they had lost 5 pounds more than they thought and the other was told that they gained 5 pounds - they were then taken to a buffet and the ones that thought they lost 5 more pounds showed more constraint and stayed on target - the others ate like they weren't on a diet.........I guess that proves your mindeset has something to do with losing..........or should I say with our ability to stick with it. I know that for me - putting a pair of pants that are too tight depresses used to motivate me because that was a positive - it usually meant I was going down a size - now it means I'm going up a size.........Damn!!!

I will write more later - I have so much to say! Right now I have to try to get caught up from my time off for the tooth! Oh yeah - I am going to walk the parking garage today - hmmmm can't hardly wait for that!

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I'm alive

Hey guys - I made it out of the dentist chair alive - 3 hours and $700 later but at least I'm still kicking. I have had a little pain and soreness but nothing too horrible! I did manager to get in half a day's work today but looked more like Charlie the Chipmunk as opposed to Barbie. Don't tell the hubby that I'm really doing okay though cause I'm milking it for all it's worth - hehe! He has been really good to let me rest and try to help out...........ahhhh, I could get used to this! I will catch up and update tomorrow but for now I gotta get off this thing before I blow my cover - the hubby actually went to pick the kid up from an activity and left me home alone to enjoy the glorious peace and quiet - he NEVER does that! Maybe I should schedule more root canals - it works way better than saying "I have a headache"!

Take care all and thanks for checking up on me!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Life Saving Root Canal!!!

Thanks to all who helped to cheer me up yesterday - it means so much to know that people are out there pulling for you!! So after the weekend from hell, I sent hubby the apology that basically said - yeah you're an ass but I should have been more forgiving, blah, blah, know trying to be the adult in the situation. Well of course Mr. Ken Doll is way to quick to jump on that apology and let me shoulder the blame - now mind you, on his birthday (Saturday), rather than coming home to the steak and crab dinner that I fixed for him, he chose to spend 18 hours at the casino - yep - poker is his addiction and at times it takes priority over EVERYTHING.......sooooo frustrating! Anyway, after feeding his steak to the dog on Sunday morning he apologized and I just feelings were so hurt and I was soooo frustrated with him but in the end I apologized yesterday for sulking and letting the fight linger. SO last night he tells me that he doesn't think the problem was as much Saturday as it is that we don't spend enough time together.........gee - you think genius........what are you a rocket scientist??? Hell I have been saying that for the last few months - we are losing touch, we don't spend any time together, are schedules are totally going in different directions, turn off your computer and quit playing cards all the time, help me more around the house and with your son..........again just more of the same thing over and over - actually probably the same things that every woman says!! So after allowing me to shoulder some of the blame he did stand in the kitchen and help me cook his dinner - looks like things are back on the up at least for now??

On a food note - I did manage to accidently dig out some gooey, cold, baked ziti........can someone please explain to me what my affection is for cold pasta?? Oh don't forget the banana chips that accidently fell into my mouth or the huge bowl of watermelon and strawberries (I know that fruit isn't bad but I wasn't the least bit hungry - just eating to eat) - and the chocolate milk.....oh yeah there was the frozen cool whip too...........yikes!!! See that is my problem - I won't consume a whole bag of chips but I eat until I am uncomfortable........I also eat when I am happy, sad, angry, confused, tired, bored or lonely - people say "before you eat, evaluate your feelings" - okay........what do you do when every feeling creates the need to eat??? On the up swing - I have a root canal today so that accomplishes 2 things - I won't be able to overeat (kind of like the wire your mouth shut diet) and I won't have to "make-up" with hubby if you know what I mean......I know, I'm awful but my feelings are still hurt and I still feel the need to shield myself for a bit. I'm no longer bitter or angry just a little hurt and I want to nurse it for a while longer - maybe that is wrong but I just can't throw my heart right back out there. I AM glad to be over the "I am miserable so my plan is to eat a whole bag of chocolate marshmallows" the way - has anyone had these - WOW!!! They are soooooo freaking good - 2 big fat gooey choco marshmallows for 1 point - the problem is really "who only eats 2 marhsmallows???"

To close this out - I have some great recipes that are super easy and I am going to try to get those posted soon - I also have some more pictures that I need to get up but won't be able to do much tonight cause I'm having a root know, who would have ever thought that a root canal could possibly save my life???

Monday, July 9, 2007

Sad Moments

Hello all! My weekend was not the greatest in the world - marriage can be a lot of work, like you all didn't know that!! I got my feelings really hurt at hubby and spent most of Saturday crying and all of Sunday sulking......what a waste of a perfectly beautiful weekend!! So this morning I got up and put on my big girl panties.......hit the parking garage at work and walked a bit, wrote an apology out to the hubby (yes, he did really hurt my feelings and break my heart but then he apologized and I continued to sulk so I officially owed him an apology) and decided that today I was going to feel good!! Only problem is I can't get my body to catch up with my brain - sometimes I enjoy being in pity party mood - it makes it justifiable to be lazy and lax on my eating.........but I am proud to say that I held on and fought off the urge to eat a double dip, hot fudge sundae!! Hell I even stayed away from the homeade pumpkin cheesecake that i made my hubby for his birthday on Saturday. All in all I survived the drama of the weekend and now at least I get to start over - I think that is the only "good" thing about Mondays - the ability to start the week over!

Sorry that this isn't a real upbeat post but right now just making it through the day is going to be progress. Tomorrow will be better!

Friday, July 6, 2007

**Camel Names and Travel Games**

Bitch - I hate suck.......I wish you were dead - oh well, wait, you are an inantimate object aren't you???!!! So those were the words that I was screaming at my scale this morning - some other phrases were MOVE damnit MOVE!! This screaming rant was then followed up by me jumping up and down on the scale - YOU WILL MOVE OR I WILL MOVE YOU MYSELF - that was the basic synopsis of the evil beating and abuse that took place on the morning of July 6th. Why you ask, I do not recall - can I use that in this instance??? I am a bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to weighing in, especially when I fell regal and justified in my snobbish ways of eating........the problem lies in the fact that I tend to expect results from 1 count it, 1, uno, single, lone day of being good.........I mean really come on - last night I was sensible, made good choices which DID NOT include 1000 calories of brocolli so isn't it realistic to think that I could squeeze my (almost size 8........shhhh, don't tell anyone) ass into my size 2/4 jeans.......isn't that the way it works??? Geez when will I don't go around avoiding waistbands and tucked in shirts for 3 months and then overnight - VOILA you have arrived back at that place..........nope, not gonna happen and you know what - THAT F'ING SUCKS - again, this is where more screaming, ranting and gnashing of teeth comes in............this is the part where I question the logic behind giving my poor baby soul, somehwere up in Heaven, a body that doesn't match my personality. I mean surely my personality was only destined for thin, svelte, beauty. Surely someone has made a horrible mistake. I was a bubbly, beautiful, bouncing baby and now I have turned into a deranged dieter that has an abnormally strong appetite for vegetables.......vegetables which are on the verge of pushing her completely over the edge and out of her comfortable weight range. I want a do-over - or wait maybe I just want a Big Mac - know what I want - I want to feel normal. I want food to NOT be so important to me.....I want to not feel hard-wired with some kind of mental food defect mechanism.....I want to like exercise AND water........I want to not crave chocolate to the point of eating a jar of pickles to squelch the craving (by the way that really does work - a pickle will almost always kill a choco craving).......I want to nibble here and there and say "OH no more for me, I'm stuffed, I couldn't eat another bite" - hell I don't think those words have even ever come out of my mouth.......I guess there are just times when I can so easily identify my weaknesses and I wonder why I got picked for them.......I eat out of emotion, boredom, anger, tiredness - get this - I eat because I'm tired but then have been known to get up in the middle of the night to eat - HELLO - does that make any sense??? Really, I am a very logical person......reason and order drive who I am. I am a driven person, tennacious in most everything.......I require structure and routine so why - tell me why - is the eating thing so damn hard??? I have been at this for 4 years, maybe 5 - I can't even remember anymore and you know what - it hasn't gotten any easier........well it has simply because I am more educated and can make better some things go without saying - I drink my water and eat my veggies because it is routine/habit.......but I still have to make such an effort to not sneak, pick, overeat, lick the plate or dig out all the fudge with my finger in Tin Roof Sundae ice cream.........this no longer disappoints me but rather angers me for the most part.......I get in my moods when I am frustrated with my husband for eating whatever he wants and still looking the same.......I have discovered that he doesn't still look the same really but I look past that and so does he - I think the key is that he is totally accepting of himself.......I am totally accepting of him - it has never dawned on me to think "wow the husband has a buddha belly" because I don't give a damn - I married him for his money and intelligence - okay now I'm really lying cause we defintely aren't rolling in the dough! So hubby eats crap and I eat like a vegetarian hippo (really) - hubby is perfectly okay with who he is - I on the other hand, cry because my thighs are jiggly and pannus is swollen and my hair is too thin and my skin is too oily and my toes aren't shaped right and my nose is too wide - should I go on???? He has the ability to brush his teeth and go - I must shower, apply 2 zillion dollars worth of products titled things like fat hair, plump lips, voluptious lashes and then I begin the descent into the other zillion dollars worth of products labeled - thigh thinner, body shaper, skinny jeans and the plunge bra - so 2 hours later we are ready to head out the door.......I know that this image crisis is not limited to only I - I have read articles about celebrities that feel this vice grip around them, other weight loss buddies complain of this same beatdown, average women in the grocery store are looking around wondering "does my butt look big in this" while they are squeezing the bread to see which loaf is the most fresh - does anyone have any idea how we got to this place or why???? How do we leave the land of labels and get back to being able to eat until satisfied AND feel okay about ourselves - suggestions for this journey - like what should I name my camel or are there any travel games that I can play to pass the time.........I think this is gonna be a long journey!