This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Barbie Unplugged!

Oh it is sooooo nice to get my blog fix early rather than at 6:30 pm!! Finally got home last night and was able to unwind and I realized that I have yet to clarify who is who in my head.........geez! So here goes!

Hmmm, okay now I'm drawing a blank.......really I guess I was born Steph - grew up fat thanks to icecream, vanilla wafers and peanut butter and white bread and gravy. I also ate vegetables and played outside - I mean I wasn't some kid that hibernated and never came out.......I didn't live in a cave or play video games all the time. I played and jumped and swam and ATE - I don't remember ever being thin well except for when I went on Jenny Craig at 14 and lost down to 160 pounds and a size 10 - yeah at 14 I weighed about 210 pounds. You know we did all the thyroid tests and bloodwork - blah, blah, blah. No parent wants to admit that there kid is just fat - there has to be an explanation for it right?? How about the fact that I would eat dinner at my friend's house and then come home and eat dinner.......how about I ALWAYS ate 2 helpings and dessert - how about from birth I think I was sneaking food! Yeah there was a logical explanation all right - I loved food!

So I ate and ate and ate - I got a job at 15, a car at 16 and a license to eat all the time came with that! I worked in a restaurant and got half price meals - woohoo!!! Got off work and ate burgers and tacos.......got a little older and in college I hit the fast food places for every meal - then I got poor and ate mac and cheese/fishsticks all the time - shit that doesn't require a degree in biology to understand that your body can't take all that crap! I remember looking in the mirror and not really seeing fat - just not really seeing anything. I didn't care how I looked, I didn't care how my house looked, my life had no order or structure.......I worked, went to school (sometimes), came home to my crappy apartment and ate. I did laundry only when the clothes were all dirty, my life was littered with dirty dishes and fast food bags........really my life was a mess! There were a series of events that shattered my world........traumatic things that caused much grief - and you all thought I was born with my bitchiness - LOL! So I ate to mask the pain. You know, I could sit here and give a zillion reasons why I was overweight and spend hours trying to justify it but in reality it was what it was........it was a million decisions to eat poorly and it was for a thousand different reasons - I can't go back, I can't change it, the damage was done and yes, some of it is irreversible (well until I have this damn pannus removed - sorry Swizzle - I had to!).

So fast forward - at some point I pulled my head out of my ass........seems like it was permanently lodged there for a while! I had to sing in a Christmas Choir and the largest shirt that the store carried was too small for me - I had to announce my shirt size in front of a whole group of my peers - I was humiliated - I cried, I had to do something and so I did. But this post isn't about my humiliation or my method of madness but rather about who the f**k is who in my ADD, OCD psycho world. So I lost weight and my friends started making mention that I had become a bit more brassy and bold - well the fact that I finally had a plan and knew how to make it work helped and the fact that I had order in my life, FOR ONCE, helped and then of course there was the fact that I felt attractive for the first time in my life!! So I was edgy - I was a bit more bitter that people who wouldn't have pissed on me before now had "time" for me.......like I suddenly evolved and was worthy of their attention......you know what "F" you - now I don't want your damn attention!!! Don't whistle, don't flirt, don't even speak to me if you couldn't have done that before........as if before I didn't know that I was morbidly obese - no really, I didn't need you to point it out to me jackass - I got it - I felt it everyday - my knees fucking screamed it to me when I crawled out of bed so why did you feel it was your duty to make me feel even more out of place???? Those became my feelings - thus Trixie was born - Trixie is brassy and bold and probably a bit trashy for lack of a better word but she allows me to walk just on the edge of the wild side - to push the envelope just a bit. Her personality (God that sounds really wacky) is the one that I turn to when I'm feeling super low about myself - when I'm thinking, "God I am a cow and the ugliest Elsie of them all"..........at that point I can pull out Trixie and my fergilicious hat collection (yeah that was a wierd phase that I went through)......throw on some hooker shoes and strut my stuff - all the while smiling on the inside because all those people that would never have looked before are doing a double take - I feel sexy and beautiful and thoroughly love waving it under the noses of those who spent so much time making me feel less than a person!

Okay that leads to Barbie - hmmmmm, Barbie well she is what I wanted to be, what I thought I would be when I lost all the weight. She is perfect and pretty and popular and drives a vette and is married to Ken and has a poodle and and and.........she represents every little girls ideals of what her life should be - even though I spent most of my childhood chopping off Barbie's hair and breaking her head off.............(sorry mom)! Somehow I got to the "pot of gold" at the end of my weightloss rainbow and the damn leprechaun had stolen it..........there was not perfection there - there were self image issues and saggy skin and a pannus........there were body stockings to hold it in and push up bras and where the hell did this come from type discoveries. Things were NOT as I had expected them to be but rather the opposite. I still didn't feel pretty or popular or loved or accepted - hmmmmm, but not being fat was supposed to be the equivalent of being happy, right??? Uhhhh, get a grip Barbie and snap out of your bubbleheaded fog......being thin didn't diminish the demons.......shit it didn't even quiet them - it just means I've got the ability to live with them for a longer period of time! I had to learn to disassociate food with success/failure/emotion/socializing........I had to figure out that I was worthy, that I was pretty, that I was popular, loved, wanted, needed, WORTHY - thus Barbie was born. Every day I chose to be "Barbie" - not counting the Trixie days but you know what I mean........I keep thinking one day I'm gonna get up and not have to make a conscious effort to love myself but that hasn't been the case yet..........so everyday I get up and look in the mirror and see pimples and puffy eyelids and god help my hair, I see a nightshirt that has chocolate pudding mix stains on it or fingernails with banana pudding crust around them and I say "Good Morning Barbie" - sounds stupid but in my head it works..........it helps me remember that even without my VS red bra, my eyeliner, my super skin tight suck it all in jeans, my big fat sexy hair spray and my ultra teeth whitening toothpaste that, even without all of that, I am the epitomy of Barbie........my Ken doll is balding and has crooked teeth, my poodle is an English Pointer with an obsession to dig all the way to hell, I don't live in a mansion but rather a bomb shelter complete with racoons in the attic, a hole in the living room ceiling, cats that piss on the carpet and a kid that spells mess every where he goes - even with all the "imperfection" I AM Barbie - I have a Ken that loves me and I am beautiful, worthy, loved and wanted - and damnit people like me!!!

So after all that - my advice is remember that you are Barbie - we all are - we are all strong, beautiful, funny, smart women that make this world a better place! I need each of you in a different way and each of you contribute a little of yourselves to make my day better - so in my eyes you're all BARBIES - think of yourselves that way!

22 comments:

Swizzlepop said...

So first you totally make me LMAO with the pannus. It seriously has it's own identity in my mind. "The Pannus" "it's the Pannus' fault, the Pannus did it." Like that.

I totally understand Steph, Trixie and Barbie now. One of my leaders had a name for her former heavier self. It totally made sence. I wat totally Trixie esque before I gained the weight. Once I gained I just felt like fat plain Jane because I stopped taking care of myself and stopped wearing make-up and sassin it up like before :(. Weight sucks ass!
I'm sorry that you went through so much before but it has contributed to the amazing woman that you are now because you are even stronger than you were before and YOU ARE POPULAR!!!!!!!!!! We love you!

So I started readign your post and almost peeing my pants because of "The Pannus" but then you kinda made me tear up at the end.
Can I be brunette Barbie (that they never had when I was growing up)? A friend's daughter actually used to refer to me as Barbie when I was thin and she was like 4 and it was the best compliment ever. She's 12 now and I still remember, I was picking her up from school one day and as I got there she loudly whispered to her friend "Look! (pointing at me), doesn't she look like Barbie?!"

Thanks for your inspiration and just being you!

Steph said...

Girl you could be purple hair, punk rocker Barbie - you are the shit Swizzle - of course you can be Brunette Barbie and Colette is Red Head Barbie and we gotta find somebody to be our fish net stocking, punk Barbie - who are we going to designate???? Any takers on that one?? Thanks for your words and for meaning them! I am soooo serious when I say that this cyber realm of obsessed women has been the best "club" that I could have joined.

I am so serious when I say that you had to literally jump from the doorway to my bed at one point - it was disgusting! I went through this management/motivation class before I lost the weight and it helped me gain focus - I actually told James, the leader, that and he asked me to speak - I don't know if I ever will - well maybe because being an author, motivational speaker is my secret fantasy job - shhh, don't tell!

Oh yeah - and the pannus did! Stupid bitch - I hate her!

Swizzlepop said...

Me, me me!!! I will be brunette, fishnet stocking, black hair barbie (no purple) old school goth barbie!!!!!!!

OMG you should TOTALLY be an author then motivational speak or the other way around. People would walk away with motivation, inspiration and a side pain from laughing so hard! Your cards could have a tiny little pannus on them for those of us "in the know." You would make millions! Do it! DO IT!

"Where the hell is Barbie and How I became Trixie"

Wait, wait, and at the end of the glass everyone gets a Trixie Barbie autographed by you! Sans tutle hat though.

Steph said...

Swizzle - you know that this requires you to take the Barbie oath......you must promise to uphold the Barbie ways which include whining when you feel like it, being bitchy on cue and knowing that NO MATTER WHAT or WHO (yeah even if she is a rich, plastic surgery induced, exercise obsessed, bubble head) comes across your path - that you are Barbie.....beautiful and worthy!!! Size 6 or 60, Porsche or Pinto, flat belly and good boobs or pannus and dried prunes - we are AWESOME!!

If you agree to that then I am proud to announce you to the world as Old School Goth Barbie!!! Welcome to the fam!~

Where the hell is red head barbie??? Anyone seen her around?

WeightBGone said...

I wanna be some kind of Barbie!! I am probably the oldest one here so I can be Old Hag Barbie. LOL I dont care as long as I can be part of the Barbie Brigade. Pleeaaaaaaase may I be in the Barbie group?? :)

Steph said...

Weightbgone - you absolutely have to be nature Barbie cause of your crazy walking/hiking skills.......and your Ken is being renamed to Grizzly Adams - LMAO - just kidding!! Hiking Barbie comes complete with handy dandy map, compass, trendy hiking boots, cute shorts, killer leg muscles and the motivation to not let anyone jump off the ledge on a hike!!!

Swizzlepop said...

I accept! :) Go see my latest...

Calyn said...

1rst- thank you for your support! It means the world to me! 2nd- thank you for your posts. Everytime I read them, I am always LMAO and that is exactly what I need! ((hugs)) :)

WeightBGone said...

Nature Barbie it is!! Grizzly Adams best not lose more weight than me ever again or I will push him off that ledge. LMAO Gotta go get my hikin boots on. :)

Jo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jo said...

Sorry, wanted to add more - this had me looking at the barbiecollector.com and here's one for Collette: Radiant Redhead. There's even a John Deere Barbie. Eat your heart out Barbies of the world!

Colette said...

Ladies...I am so sorry I was not here today but I was busy getting my hair done by Jose Eber and then I went to meet Bob Mackie for lunch!! LOL.. A girl can never look too good you know!!

OMG thats too funny..me as Radiant Barbie! Funny thing is I'd kill to be her...seriously!! OMG go click on the link that Jo put on her comment ( psst you got to show me how you do that too sister..LOL) SHE is SO beautiful. Look at her belly and that dress!! Gawd I'd really love to be that beautiful!!

But the truth is I prolly never will and I will never be 17 yo again and that SUCKS!!
So what do you do? The old saying is " when life hands you lemons, you make Lemonade!" That is exactually what I am going to do!!

Steph, you have the amazing abilty of drawing people in and hold there attention! Your stories are inspiring, your honesty is refreshing and yes I agree with swizz YOU ARE POPULAR!! I definately feel close to you and love you as well.

You were right when you said that it was amazing the bond that can be formed between us, even though we are all so different and come from so many different places! Stephanie I do truely look at your friendship as a gift from God!

Love....Colette aka Radiant Barbie!!

Amanda said...

---Walking in...late to the party as usual---

*I* want to be a Barbie too! Barbie/Steph/Trixie/whoever--you are great. I love reading your blog and I always leave feeling so good and I want to accomplish anything when I walk away from your blog. You should totally be a motivational speaker and an author.

Although I haven't lost 245#, the 12# I have lost make me feel like Trixie. I wear more fitted shirts now than I did before and I love to "Trixie" it up every once in a while. I will take that oath and I will uphold the Barbie way of life! :)

You're great and I love ya!!!!

Steph said...

Jo - OMG you are a genius!!!! So I'm tagging you as Salsa Barbie - you are the dancer in our group!! You come complete with flowing hair, legs that go on for miles, moves that make a latin man sweat and hooker heels!!! Shake it girl!!

Amanda - you are should be Gym Barbie - your love for that damn elliptical is amazing and I think that you may secretly be obsessed but that is a good obsession......you come complete with cute body that fits in cute leotard workout clothes (Barbie Biotch), water bottle, towel, great - never sweat off makeup job and boobs that don't jiggle when you are on that dang machine - you are the gym bunny that we all aspire to be!!! You rock that elliptical machine!
Colette - dont' make this barbie bitch come over there and smack you - you are radiant redhead barbie and don't forget it!!! You are beautiful and you have a brain/personality - more than I can say for the plastic version!!! By the way - geez I missed you around yesterday!!

Candace said...

Last in - love the analysis. You sure you're a project manager and not some kind of psychiatrist?
I want to take the oath too. Please, please! I found a good one! Perfect for a Canadian brunette ;-)

Melanie said...

Okay Steph. Hook me up.. I'm ready to take the oath!

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. The girls said it all so eloquently that all I can say is ditto! You make me laugh, and you make me want to hear more. You would be an amazing author!

{{HUGS}}

Steph said...

Candace I deemed you Scarlett just cause I thought you were bailing out on us but hey you go girl - you can be whoever you want to be......BARBIE POWER!!!

Melanie - you are Way Out West Barbie - she is in the pin-up collection - woohoo!!! She has some spicy cowboy boots, a hat, lasso for movie nights - hehe and she says "Yippee Yi Yo Ki Yay"

Melanie said...

Steph you rock!! I love it!!

Candace said...

Scarlett it is. Yeah, I'm a Barbie:-))

Superjayman's Battle of the Bulge said...

Okay, I think I am the last one to step in...I will take the oath---although I whine enough as it is. Can be pretty bitchy when it is needed.....so now I am excited to see what barbie I will be......anxiously waiting!!!!

Terri and Bob said...

Dear goodness! I was in stitches reading some parts and tears in others. I want to be my own Barbie, can I take this pledge, too??

I bitch and moan with the best of them because I am an elementary principal who works with all kinds of skinny minnies. They might be, ok, they are, GREAT teachers but how do they stay so dang skinny??

If you can find it in your heart to make me a Barbie, I would be very grateful.

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