This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Satan Invented the Green Bean!

My title sounds insane but it more true than you could ever know........so picture this ~ it is lovely Tuesday afternoon, sun shining brightly, cool breeze (well not really - there was no breeze and it was hotter than blazes but I'm trying to give you a visual) and Barbie (aka ME) hops into her hot pink Vette (aka my crappy Chevy Impala) to buy some groceries. As I pull into the Central Market parking lot, complete with all the damn rich people who assume that they own the whole freakin store and make it a point to remind you that you really aren't Barbie and that their handbag cost more than whole wardrobe.......but back to the story. I park my car, slightly embarrassed by the scratches and the flapping plastic trim (damnit KEN fix the trim on my car door.....SHIT! - sorry again)........where was I - I park my car right next to a brand new SAAB and get out.....I am in my work clothes except for Nike tennies that I am wearing for my walk after the store so at least I look presentable - and yes, they were real work clothes not my Trixie clothes!

I get in the store and mill around a bit - I just love that place - really who would have ever imagined there being 57 different kinds of apples...........who the hell thinks of a new "flavor" of apple?? So between the apples, the 97 varieties of pork, 16 flavors of milk and umpteen other fine items I get to the "BULK" section - crap - I've been doing this for 4 years so you would think that I would have learned to steer clear of the "BULK" section - but what can I say - I have a thing for size (sorry)! So I'm just looking around - reminding myself that regardless of how innocent and "good for you" the trail mix looks, it isn't. It is evil.....wrong......and will possibly send me over the edge......why you ask? Well see I am not the person that is capable of eating a 2 peanuts, 2 raisins and small choco chip - I'm just not that girl - I am the giddy, slobbering woman who is inhaling the trail mix, only stopping long enough to make sure that there is ample chocolate in each handful. So I steer clear of trailmix but a girl can dream right???

As I am rummaging through the various tubs and tins of tantalizing trail mix.........oh God give me strength........I am pondering the perrils of pistachio crunch mix and thinking "what would banana pudding think"......."he would be crushed if he knew of my infedility".........and suddenly I stumble across them........girls right in the midst of trail mix and candy heaven there is a bin that I can possess...........awwwwwwwwwwwwww.........Barbie just hit the jackpot - baby!!! I see what appear to be dehydrated veggies.......they look just like vegetables and are called dehydrated veggie chips...........WOOHOO - Holy God - Mother of Mary - someone pinch me cause I'm dreaming!!! Well hell - I promptly put on a handy, dandy surgical glove and started digging like the rest of the "normal" folks in that store - ha - take that you rich bitch......Barbie can dig in the bins too! So I scoop out some veggies feeling oh so justified and a teensy weensy bit excited - okay - I am damn near ready to burst with excitement - I make a mad dash to the tofu aisle and grab that shit (tofu used to be very sacred to me but to hell with tofu - who needs it when you got dehydrated veggie chips)..........okay now stop for just one second - I am the habitual label reader....really I am obsessive about it - I can calculate a points value in 2.2 seconds.....I can almost sniff out high calorie and fat content.......everything and I mean EVERYTHING is weighed out by fat versus fiber - in fact, Ken better lose some weight and gain some hair or his fat/fiber content will be off and I'll have to not partake of him......know what I mean ~wink wink~. So I get through the line, which could not have had a more lazy cashier........seriously, dumb, slow and rude must have been requirements when he got that position.......you would think since I am paying $7.99 per pound for dehydrated veggies that he would have moved his ass a bit??? I make it back to the car - not caring that I slung the door open with such vigor that trim almost slapped me in the leg or that I had almost dinged the brand new SAAB next to me. I wrip into the ziploc bag that holds my small token of normalacy.......something that really connects me to rich, thin, plastic surgeoned women that spend their days at the salon and gym and their nights sipping wine on the terrace. I start eating - one green bean......mmmmmm, sweet/salty but I can taste some oil........but really - the tag said dehydrated - you don't dehydrate with oil, right??? I continue to sample and practically inhale my $4.00 bag of "veggies"..........at this point, I no longer feel the need for anything - I could probably join the convent and live a life of service at this point but I'm thinking that if they ever saw me in my Trixie clothes I would probably get kicked out!

I journey back to my office and walk the parking garage........I feel justified, I feel normal, I feel healthy and invigorated. I maneuver back to my computer and settle in with a bottle of water - feeling oh so smug. I then decide to look up the calorie content of those veggie chips - thank you google for ruining my entire life.......for sending my dreams crashing......dashing my hopes.......a downward spiral into utter despair - wanna know why - do you really wanna know the dirty truth - as painful as it is to retell it I feel obligated to warn you all...........those MF'ING chips were planted in that aisle by Satan himself........they were approx 130 calories per ounce with 5 grams of fat........now since I purchased a fucking half pound bag let me do the math........1,040 calories and 40 grams of fat........you are shitting me.........no way is that possible........who in the hell decides to take a basic potato chip, fashion it into a f'ing green bean and market it as a "veggie chip"...........WTF-ever.........veggie chip my ass. I am still fuming - I guess that I should be upset with myself for not planning - I know the rules but in my defense I was ambushed! The sad thing is that I don't think I will ever be able to look at a green bean the same again - after that betrayal......I don't think we can rebuild at this point.......maybe a trial seperation will help but I'm seriously thinking that we may need a permanent break from each other.......maybe at some point my heart will have healed and I can try to allow you back in.........I just don't know right now - I just need to be alone, I'm sorry.

Okay - So that is my saga yesterday - I'm telling you guys and girls normalacy doesn't pay! Barbie's off to walk the parking garage AGAIN - lap 979...........

8 comments:

Candace said...

LOL, Guess that puts a dent in the weekly flexxies.

Steph said...

More than a dent - like a crater......they were good though but shhhh....don't tell anyone I said that ~ LOL

MMalloy said...

Eeek...I did the same thing, I found these "dried veggie chips" turns out they were something like 5 points for about 8 chips...by the time I was smart enough to check I had finished half the bag. Good new is I think I still lost that week!
I just did some research on the Slam Fat Diet, sounds interesting. I need to do some more research. The first 9 days wouldn't be to bad...not sure I could do 90 days of it though. I'm going to try and find better info tonight!! Thanks for the idea.

Swizzlepop said...

Are you effing kidding me? WTF? That is beyond mean and cruel! Not sure what store you were at but at Whole Foods aka WHole Paycheck I believe they have the NI on teh bins so you can view before you dig. I say that they don't count simply out of principle! That many calories for a half pound is just out of control. You could have had a burger or something.

Have fun walking! Isn't it creepy doing laps in the parking garage? Does the garage guy oogle you as you pass him?

Steph said...

We have a garage lady so normally I'm safe but the cars are always whizzing by so fast that I'm afraid I'm going to get wran over - you would think that they would have a speed limit in those damn garages to protect the safety of the walkers - LOL.

I hear you on the WholePaycheck place - it is insane how expensive groceries are now......I read an article in my local paper yesterday that said a gallon of milk has basically doubled since this time last year and things are only promising to get worse!! I get so tired of hearing people complain about how "fat" our population is especially when it is so damn expensive to buy nutritious food - really think about it - a freaking box of hamburger helper is like a buck but if you want to buy a head of lettuce you're going to pay $1.29 - grrrrrr......okay sorry for the rant!

Melanie said...

Oh girl you were set up. Those veggie chips did you wrong!

BB said...

Once again your blogs are entertaining! Love to read them. Hopefully you got your serving of veggies for the day at least ;0

This is me...then said...

omgoodness....this blog post is hilarious...thank u for the great info and entertainment...