This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Finally, it's over!

Whoa I'm glad that the holidays are leaving......I love my family and friends, I love the lights, the music, the fun, the festivities but most of all I LOVE the food! I didn't do horrible and I'm really proud that I managed to hold it together during all the various get togethers but the baked goods at home have got to go. I did wise up and decide to make some WW friendly haystacks but still a nibble here an there is slowly killing me. The worst part is realizing that you had ironclad will power at the party and didn't eat the piece of apple cake that you wanted only to come home and scarf down a cookie or two and realize that you could have those anytime you wanted!! I mean, really WTH is up with that. I can make cookies in my sleep but my grandma only makes apple cake at Christmas - stupid stupid stupid Barbie! At least I didn't eat the cake AND cookies!

Like I said that holidays are fun but I am really needing some routine and order back in my life. Somehow baking, shopping and wrapping doesn't constitute a visit with GYM. Not that I had time for GYM - really it was midnight before I sat down most days but my lack of exercise is just a reminder of how good I feel when I do hit it hard! It's nice to relax and not track every bite but it's equally as nice to get back to reality and back on track! So today I'll be visiting the weights and then tomorrow I'll be back at my spin class.

On the Santa front - he was really good to us this year. I got a digital camera, clothes, a digital frame and a ton of other stuff. We got the kiddo the game RockBand which has a guitar, drum set and microphone - GOD help me, watching - watching my middle aged, balding Ken doll husband, dance around our living room, headbanging - had to be the funniest thing I've seen in a while. He was more excited than our 11 year old. His excitement, I must admit, was adorable! Watching him sitting in the living room floor, in his pj's, playing with his new "toys" was hillarious......yeah, I'm talking about the hubby here! Overall it was busy, hectic, fun and whole lot of work but well worth it. I have now officially retired my baking pans and candy making utensils for another year........now I'm off to scope out some healthy recipes for the upcoming week as my rocking it out hubby has overindulged a bit too!

HUGS to you all & I hope you all had a great Christmas!

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Bake Fest, Billy Blanks and the Bitching Neighbor!

I know, I know - Barbie has totally been AWOL lately but please know that I have been with you all in spirit! Things have been totally insane between work and home so "me" time has been limited! On to my title.....it starts with last weekend being a total bake fest in my house. I absolutely love to bake and make candy so I tend to go a bit overboard in that department. Just picture Barbie on Saturday morning foregoing her normal workout for a trip to the grocery store to purchase baking supplies. Yep, here I am in workout clothes, tennis shoes, no makeup and hair under a hat all to grocery shop at the local poe dunk grocery store. I loaded up my basket with every non-healthy item I could find and secretly relished in the bliss that comes from baking total crap and knowing that I'm going to give most of it away. Not to mention, if i do say so myself, my baked goods/candy always gets rave reviews - this is another reason that I weighed nearly 400 pounds - a lifetime of taste testing will do it to ya every time!

So I loaded up my cart, paid for my pletherage of crapola and headed to the sanctity of my kitchen. I baked and baked and baked......hubby ate and ate and ate!! He loves my baking skills too. So I made cookies, brownies, sausage balls, fudge, peanut butter balls, cheesecake and 2 kinds of dip. It was a really busy weekend that ended with me collapsing on Sunday night in a heap of powdered sugar and shortening! Baking Barbie was almost dead but it was a contented kind of death......is there such a thing?? Okay so in the middle of bakefest 08 - I started feeling guilt for my lack of gym time over the week. I felt like a total slacker so I decided to bust out the Billy Blanks DVD that I bought at Thanksgiving.

Let me begin by saying that my boy Billy has no room to ever make fun of Richard Simmons because his attire in this video almost made me pee my pants.........can you say tie dye shirt and shorts??!! Oh but wait, the shorts appeared to have been cut with pinking shears.....you know the scissors that your grandmother used to make quilt patches.....they make the zigzag pattern in the material when you cut it.......what the hell Billy, how am I supposed to concentrate on the insanely intense and intricate moves that you are doing (not teaching) when your who who is about to fall out of your crazy, too big, tie dyed, quilter shorts..........WHOA! It was not a pretty sight! Then of course there is crazy, cardio kickboxing, marine barbie in the background who is screaming and hollering and acting like this shit is the best thing since sliced bread. Meanwhile this Barbie is in the middle of her living room about to karate chop the damn christmas tree while my cats are staring at me in horror. First they are utterly confused as to why I am covered in melted chocolate and flour - I am assuming my appearance coupled with the heavy breathing and gasps escaping my lips probably resembled some kind of sick Paula Deen/Emeril porno. It just wasn't good - after a half hour I turned it off and spent the next 10 minutes alternating jumping jacks and pushups. As scary as it is to hear my pannus flapping - seeing it jiggle while covered in flour is way worse!

My last comment about the bitching neighbor was added as i typed the above. Yeah, I'm the girl who makes goodies for the neighbor and tries to wave and smile. So I'm sitting here typing away at almost 10:00 p.m. and I hear a knock at the door. Now my faithful hubby is out playing poker so it's just me and the kiddo home alone. I lurk towards the door since nobody ever comes to my house. Ask who it is and am greeted by me neighbors voice.....I'm thinking, hell it's late to be bringing over a card or gift.........WTF?? So I pull open the door and am hit with an assault about my barking dog. I smile politely and apologize profusely because truth be told the damn dog is making me crazy. He barks, he jumps the fence, he digs holes, tears stuff up.........seriously this dog has a death wish or something. So I tell said neighbor that the "man" is out but I promise we will take care of it in the morning. He just continues to bitch and complain like I'm going to mysteriously have another option to offer. I'm not bringing the damn dog in the house and I'm not a dog whisperer so my chances of coaxing him to shut the hell up are slim to none. Really, what does this guy want me to do........I know it is a pain in the butt but so are this guys kids that scream to the top of their lungs at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Oh and him mowing his lawn at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday morning - well when he mowes it at all! So I just stood there and played dumb......I don't know, batted my eyelashes, twirled my hair and smacked my gum. Guess he took the hint because he finally left my porch - he may have snuck off to shoot the dog because I don't hear him barking anymore???

I really really really hope to be able to get back around before Christmas but if not Merry Christmas to all of you. Be safe, have fun, hug your family and enjoy the food BUT be prepared to bust ass when it's over.......we all know the drill enjoy it now but be ready to pay for it on the 26th!

HUGS to you all!

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Exercise Advice??

So things are NOT going as I would hope during this holiday season - I'm way too busy at work, not enough time with GYM and just total exhaustion. From lurking and reading, looks like we are all fighting the same type of challenges. Not enough time, too much to do and let's not even talk about the additional "Christmas" stuff that I need to get done. I have baking, buying and decorating to get done before our first official family event on Sunday.......somehow I'm sure I'll get it all done but I'm going to have to cut some things out of my schedule to make time for Christmas.....the one thing I have determined is that I'm NOT standing up GYM anymore this week - everyone else is going to have to take a number behind my BFF because I'm not me without GYM.

Eating has been mediocre.....not terrible but not great. Of course there are so many reasons that it hasn't been great, such as, my total lack of planning small meals, too much snacking (you know 5 goldfish crackers, 5 times a day adds up to 75 calories - WOW) and no exercise. Not to mention yesterday I was a total beast and basically just shut down........I was completely beat up with work and horrible weather. I've noticed that when my attitude is poor, everything is off. The problem is when I get in those funks I really struggle to shake it....well, I don't shake it actually. I just cry, bitch and basically scare the crap out of everyone for a whole day. Today I am determined to have a better attitude, get to the gym and make a plan to get all my holiday stuff completed - I'm convinced that by the end of today, I'll feel much more like myself!

Here is my problem - I need some quick workouts - what works for you all??? I need low impact type stuff that is fast and fat blasting. I get so bored on the usual machines - does anyone have a versatile routine or DVD they like??? I would love your input!

(((HUGS)))

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Life, Love & the Pursuit of SLEEP!

Ughhhh - not sure where to start except to say please forgive me for being MIA lately. I have been crazy busy with work, training meetings and family/work Christmas functions. Can you say overload?? On a good note, my eating is okay and my clothes are fitting better - on a bad note, the scale is jacking with me. I weighed today at the doctors office and it looks like I'm not really losing??? I know the last couple of weeks I've been sick and slacking more than I like at the gym but my calories have been fairly in check - I guess maybe I'm burning muscle with my weight training??? Although, I feel that sometimes I'm not doing things right or enough of them.........guess the inches prove otherwise? One thing that I do know is that I feel better and I really don't have a lot of time to waste freaking about it!

Thank you all for your sweet comments on our pictures. I got so many "your beautiful" comments that I almost believed it - haha! Why is it that we see ourselves so differently than others see us?? I look at those pictures and a whole host of yucky thoughts run through my head..........I hate that! The one thing I am sure of is that I look MUCH better now than I did a few years ago!

Last thing before I collapse into bed - visited the Fertility Doc today. Not much to report other than we are now moving on to using Clomid and of course there will be the usual invasive tests AGAIN! I keep wondering why I have to have the uterus from hell??? It's been giving me grief my whole life and all I ask is that it work right 1 freakin time.........not so much though! If the Clomid doesn't work this month then we will go to injectable drugs.......can you say EXPENSIVE! That could drain our savings in a heartbeat. This whole process has become frustrating to the point of tears. In fact, I was in my car on the way to the Fertility God's office....I was crying out of frustration and longing........I do that sometimes so it isn't like a huge thing for me. I was basically having a mini pity party and I suddenly passed by a church with a sign that read "Don't be afraid, you are right were God wants you to be". So that's what I'm going to do - I'm going to hang in there and remember that above all things I'm blessed. Even when I'm frustrated and angry.......I'm still blessed. I have a great family and support network - baby barbie will be along soon!

HUGS to you all!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Christmas Pictures!





The whole gang!






This is my dad and I - suprise Christmas gift for my grandparents! I love my daddy so much.......I can't help it, he will always have my heart!



Of course what Christmas is complete, without my boys dressed in their Stars gear!!

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Even a Broken Clock is Right TWICE a Day!

That is the sign that I saw today - it provoked some brain waves on my normally auto-pilot drive to the office. I thought about how many days my "clock" feels broken - hmmm, maybe I should say weeks my "clock" feels broken! I have to say the last few days I've felt a bit broken. This isn't necessarily my fault because I wound up with a stomach flu on Friday night and spent the weekend in bed. The week then started with a bang and way TOO much work to do. Now on top of the craziness, my hubby has caught my bug.........so again - no gym tonight. I kind of felt obligated to come home and make sure he was alive as opposed to going to spin class ~ LOL. So in the last 5 days I have made it to meet up with my man "GYM" once........ughhh - I have no idea how I managed to survive before without GYM but I can say that we now have an addiction for each other.

So even with my exercise clock broken, my diet clock has been really good. Not only have my food choices been good but I have felt good mentally. These moments of being in tune really keep my psyche in check and help remind me that I can STOP eating when I'm done and not run the risk of imploding from not cleaning my plate. I know that sounds ridiculous to some but even after 5 years of this stuff, I still struggle with that at every meal. I may never fully recover from that mentality but I can take it meal by meal and overcome those urges on a case by case basis.

Okay one more thing. Driving home tonight I was listening to talk radio and I heard a voice come over the airwaves that brought, okay no laughing - this is for real, the smell of a bacon cheeseburger and chicken nuggets into my car!!! It was a radio show host that I used to listen to all the time on the way home from work and I always stopped and picked up my 1st dinner while listening to him....I'm not kidding you when I say I was salivating at the sound of his voice.......I think I was too shocked at my emotional and physical response to really consider fulfilling my desire. I mean, my husband's voice doesn't even produce that kind of reaction from me.....well guess that is a good thing. Nothing real sexy about your wife downing a bacon cheeseburger when you're trying to sweet talk her!

So sorry for my lack of posts/comments......I promise that I'm lurking and reading but I have literally had NO time to even breathe!

HUGS to you all ~ By the way, Swizzlepop has started an exercise challenge and it looks like it is going to be a blast......you should check it out on her blog and consider signing up. I can tell you that last night it was my motivation to hit GYM!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Battling the Body Image Beast!

As I have posted before I am really trying to focus on having a more relaxed, positive self image. This morning, after a rough night at the gym, a bad night of sleep and a bloated belly from broccoli (note to self Barbie and broccoli do not mix!) I was struggling. I looked in the mirror a hundred times and found nothing attractive. Everything was wrong with me today. Now mind you, I was going to a job where I have worked for almost 9 years. The people there loved me at 385 pounds and were supportive through my whole journey. These are people that know and respect my boundaries and have NEVER once criticized or even flinched at my zaniness (as some like to call it) about my health. Why then, must I torture this poor barbie body on a daily basis??? I want to look good but really the 16 cheese goldfish that I ate last night did not mysteriously add 25 pounds to my frame. Nor did the extra cup of diet hot chocolate mold to my thighs and cause my jeans to be too tight. I am still the same person that I was yesterday, right??

So all of the above was swirling around in my bogged down brain this morning as I'm driving through downtown. In between cursing my aching legs and griping about my lack of 6-pack abs, I looked over and saw a man in a wheelchair with no legs. After 2 minutes later I heard a recap of a terrible accident that left a whole family mangled and one child paralyzed from the neck down. Suddenly, I realized that I put so much effort into criticizing my body and its imperfections/flaws. I spend countless hours scrutinizing foods and exercises - not for the sake of health necessarily but to try to eliminate the pannus that seems to have become my new best friend. Lets face it folks, that thing isn't leaving without some medical assistance! We as a society have completely flawed the image of real beauty and womanhood at its best. Society has shown us time and time again that a size 0 is the new size 2 and that anything above that is grotesquely obese. We don't look at our body as a whole but rather, we dissect and analyze each part........our body doesn't work independently from each part so why do we chose to see it that way.

I got to work and read Diet Coke's post about her DO DO list and it made me think about how I can help myself promote a positive body image.......I ran across some great articles put out by the National Eating Disorder Association. Did you know that back when the average model weighed 8% less than the average American woman - now she weighs 23% less.....WOW! The NEDA offers 10 steps to promote a positive body image....my favorite is number 10 on the list - "Use the time and energy that you might have spent worrying about food, calories and your weight to do something to help others."

We wonder why our lives become so encompassed with weight, appearance and keeping up with the Jones' - I think it is because rather than advertisements promoting health they promote skinny. There is a difference! So for today I am going to put together my DO DO list and remind myself that I am well worth the effort but the payoff doesn't make me a more deserving person.

This post is long enough but one thing that I DO DO now is to pass on fast food - this is huge for me......I used to live at the fast food restaurants. Now I have discovered that I crave healthy foods more than hamburgers - whoda thunkit??

So what do you DO DO??

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Sometimes Being a Quitter is Smart!

So I have a zillion things to update on but really the most important of all is how much "being a quitter" for a week has improved my mental health! Ahhhh...I feel completely refreshed and in control. I guess I didn't realize how freaked out I had gotten with this whole diet/exercise thing....really, this is a lifestyle and if I have to live like I have lived over the last few weeks then it isn't worth it. I had a plan and I stuck to it.......I AM capable of going off track and getting right back on.....I knew that but I guess I lost that faith in my abilities at some point along the way. I actually went almost an entire week with no gym.....know what, after the first day or two I didn't feel the need to totally freak out because I wasn't burning calories....I adjusted my eating and ate a few bites of things that I really loved and I didn't even splurge on desserts! I think that was because I felt satisfied and I knew that I could have some if I wanted to....okay, I did have a bite of pumpkin cheesecake but it was only one bite and it was in public - not in the darkness of my garage and scooped out of the pan with my finger!

In the end, I feel great - I feel more confident and more together. I hit the gym last night and did my upper body workout......I'm feeling it a bit today but that is a good sign! Tonight is spin class and the usual routine will start back up. I have decided; however, to allow myself 2 days off from the gym.....I have a ton going on during the holidays and I really need the extra time! All in all, I am really psyched about how controlled my eating was - no crazy brocolli binges, no caving to cauliflower and panic attacks over egg whites - been a long time since I felt so in tune - I think my little experiment did prove to me that I have to cut myself some slack occassionally. Sometimes it is okay to relax with it and trust your instincts - diets/WW/healthy eating/fitness plans are great but someone with my personality can definitely run the wrong direction with it. You start listening to the WW gods as opposed to listening to your own body - or I did. Diet mentality sets in and suddenly stomach growls are like battle scars......how does Healthy, Thin Barbie get morphed into Sad, Hungry Barbie??? Sad, Hungry Barbie looks like crap, feels like crap and is pretty useless....she does lots of self loathing and negative talk - she hates everything about her and completely loses focus on anything positive, chosing to focus on the latest sag, bag or wrinkle - in fact, she is so busy listening to that garbage that she can't tell if her stomach is growling or not??? So I vow to stay Healthy, Energetic Barbie - I enjoy her so much more than Starving Bitchy Barbie!

Oh yeah, Thanksgiving and my birthday were great! My sweet hubby did perfect on my birthday - got me the MP3 player that I had been wanting and put it in a bag shaped like a castle with the Disney Princess' on it.....my card was made out to "My Pretty Pretty Princess" - that's what he calls me......I know, I'm a lucky girl! He also bought me a huge bouquet of flowers and everything was sitting out on the counter when I woke up on Friday morning - it really was sweet! After I opened my gift I finished up the food for lunch and off we went out to the campsite for Thanksgiving with the inlaws. It was cold and windy so we only stayed from Noon to 7:00 - we left the kiddo with grandma and grandpa and came home to hang out together......it wasn't dinner and dancing - in fact I smelled horrible from the campfire and I looked a mess from the cold wind/rain but we had fun and I knew that I was loved.....that's what matters, right??

Saturday was more birthday festivities with my mom and then Sunday was house cleaning and Christmas decorations.....now that I think about it, I may not have made it to the gym but I don't think I sat down either! I hope you all had a great day/weekend! We made it through the first of the holiday season without any casualties - just a few more weeks and life will really return to a more normal state! (((HUGS)))

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

As a man thinketh.....

I didn't hit the gym last night - hubby had to go back to work AGAIN so I opted to head home and spend a few moments with him - our time seems to get less and less around the holidays! On my way home I was flipping through stations and happened on a preacher.....I know that people may not believe me to be spiritual but in fact nothing is further from the truth. I grew up in a fairly strict charismatic church, you know the kind - limited makeup, jewelry, nail polish, always a dress type. I was very very involved in church and unfortunately got hurt and long story short - ran hard and fast from organized religion. It has taken me a long time to get back to feeling safe in a church but it's coming....even in my absence from church, I never lost my faith but again - that is another story for another time.

Anyway, I was listening to this preacher on the radio and he was talking about a scripture in Proverbs that says "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he". How true is that??!! This started the wheels turning and I realized that over the last few months I have been agonizing over workouts, food, protein, carbs, calories - you know I didn't lose weight that way......I lost weight by relaxing and not obsessing so much over food. Now that I'm becoming the food/exercise police, I'm gaining.....does that make any sense?? I've been stressed out about how to get a workout in this week with all that I have going on......well guess what girls.....I'm taking the week off - no more stressing, no more food logging, no more feeding the muscle, starving the fat, killing myself......not this week. This week, I'm going to feed Barbie when she is hungry and be done.......this week, I'm going to remember how far I've come and be thankful for my accomplishments. This week, I'm going to believe in my heart that I'm a success, that I'm beautiful, loved, strong and add up to so much more than inches and pounds!

I happen to believe that everything happens for a reason so maybe the hubby having to go back to work and my missing spin class was meant to be?

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of family and fun! I heart you all!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Is Normal Overated??

Lately I've been a bit melancholy with this whole weight, health, gym, exercise, diet, food game that we play. Sometimes I get so sick of thinking about every single thing that I do - calculating points, fat ratios, carbs, proteins, eating for life, eating for muscle.........geez, for once I want to just FREAKING EAT!! I want to sit down at the table and be "normal" and eat a meal.....the problem is, I'm not built that way nor is the rest of the population. Let me clarify - we were all built to eat but what we now consider normal is not correct. I hardly imagine that past persons belived Mickey D's for every meal to be okay let alone normal. Nor did they imagine that eating an entire box of Hamburger Helper was proper nutrition. In essence, they ate to live and work. Food was not nearly as social as it is now and they didn't spend half of their day thinking about what was for dinner.......my how things have changed and how these changing times have caused our waistlines to change!

So on to my rant - I'm just tired. I feel like the gym isn't paying off....I know it is because I feel better.....but today I don't care about feeling better or health benefits or longevity or endurance or any of that bullshit........today I want to be skinny - I want to put my pants back on and not feel them pulling against my thighs......I want to not be self conscious and I want to weigh 10 pounds less!! DAMNIT - suddenly I am snapped back into reality and I remember that when I was 10 pounds less, I still wanted to be 10 pounds less........the difference in then and now is that now I don't take anti-depressants, now I work hard and feel like a rockstar when i leave the gym, now I can boast about my kicking ass with the weights, now I can feel my muscles burn and not think that my body has self combusted! So I still can't just sit down and eat without thought but at least when I do overdo it, I know I can head straight to my new found lover, Gym, and he will make it better - not okay but better!

Now that I'm finished being crybaby Barbie, I want to head back in the direction of what started this whole thing. Last night, after literally having to drag my ass into the gym for a hard workout, I was starved. I needed something and based on my past experiences, I knew that sweaty jello was not a good thing! I stopped at the drugstore to see if I could find my favorite low carb bar (Snickers Marathon - yummo!) but they didn't have any.....I started hunting around for the next best thing and was torn between a curves bar and a fiber one bar......I hate spending calories on those things.....I just don't feel like I'm getting any real substance for my calories. Tonight was no different.....I opted for the Curve bar because it was only a 100 calories and I really wanted to eat dinner when I got home.........all I can say is wimpy - I wasn't impressed.......it was okay but for 100 calories i wanted substance and something that was slightly filling - I noticed on the package that it said fiber to keep you full - okay??? I wasn't full but maybe my idea of full is skewed?? Not sure but next time I'm going to stop at the grocery store and pick up an apple or something. I hate wasting valuable calories on "wimpy" foods. I say that and feel like my dad when he used to tell me as a kid, "you have no idea of the value of a dollar until you have had to work for it!!"......yeah, I feel that way now...."I had no idea the value of 100 calories until I had to work for it!!".........it took me 20 minutes of weights to work off that crappy bar - damn, now I'm mad again!

Monday, November 19, 2007

But I'm a PRINCESS Damn'it!

Thanksgiving week is upon us girls!! Woohoo - I love Thanksgiving but could do without my birthday......especially since it won't be at the spa, which was how I originally planned to spend the day! Rather than a massage and facial I will be frying a turkey in the freezing cold, with my husband's family.........that is one of the problems with having a birthday right around a major holiday. It doesn't matter what YOU want to do, everything/everybody's plans supercede your day. Literally, one year for my birthday (it was on Thanksgiving that year), my stepmom got me a pumpkin pie instead of a cake! Come on - I was like 7 years old.......what an idiot! Okay enough ranting about my birthday, on to important things like food intake and exercise and weight loss challenges!

First I'll start by saying that I did good calorie wise over the weekend but only because I just wasn't in the mood to eat....I nibbled here and there, ate a meal of two but for the most part I just wasn't into it. I think it is my mental freak out about how much crap I will consume at Thanksgiving??

Exercise was good - hit the gym on Friday and Saturday. To tell you all how emotional I have been (thanks to fake hormones)....I was in my step class on Saturday, puffy and pitiful. I didn't feel good and I had a major case of "I'm a Princess" - basially that is a nice way of putting - I was acting like a major tit bag.....I know you're all saying, grow up Barbie - "but damnit I'm a princess and I don't have to" was my motto for the morning. So I drug my puffy, princess, period ass to the step class - all the while thinking - I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! Not a good way to get you mentally ready for a challenging class at the gym. I was dressed in my baggies capris and XL t-shirt - barely brushed hair and teeth. Basically I just showed up. I setup my step with 2 risers, assuming that it would be our normal class............WRONG - can you say step aerobics on speed!! Newsflash - Mambo and ChaCha are dance moves - do I look like a freaking dancer.......uh, obviously not! The instructor (who was there when I fell off my bike in spin class) saw my step and mentioned that maybe I should go to one riser - huh, but I'm Bitchin' Gym Barbie - one riser - HA! I scoff at one riser.......insert smug laugh here! The music starts and it doesn't take me long to realize that Theresa has shaken up her routine a bit........this isn't 3 minute intervals of weights and step - this isn't take a break and grab some water - this isn't basic moves with a few twists - F' NO - this is full on, frontal nudity, balls to the walls, fifth gear baby! 15 minutes into it and I am already feeling the sweat run down my legs, into my socks and shoes! GROSS! Suddenly the sweat stains start appearing on my shirt - dear God - I look like I'm sweating off a 2 day drunk - poor Theresa (instructor) keeps looking back at me with fear - but what is she going to do at this point. "Excuse me class......Stephanie thought she was a bitchin' barbie and obviously set herself up for failure so we're going to have to take it down a notch or two!"....that wasn't going to work so she ramped it up. Actually I did great until the last 8 minute interval and at that point I was dying.....literally - a bit lightheaded and stumbling around. I didn't want a replay of the tripping/pants ripping so I decided to keep my feet moving but not in the such a fast motion! I'm proud to report that I made it through though........with all of my barbie body parts still intact!

Tonight I need to hit some weights.........I'm going to work hard and go in with a plan because I really just want to work through it and get home to start the bakefest!! Before I leave the gym, I have to weigh in for their annual "Holiday NO Gain" challenge. Truthfully, I'm afraid - of what I don't know?? Short circuiting maybe? Not that the seeing the number on the scale make is more or less than it acutally is but sometimes ignorance is bliss?? So if you don't hear from me over the next few days, maybe you should check the local jails or the paper - headlines could read - Barbie Bitch Goes Mad and Hurls Scale Through Plate Glass, Gym Window!

BTW - Blueberry Salad Recipe is coming next!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Something to be thankful for!

So yesterday I woke up so swollen that I could barely get shoes on. My usually lose pants felt tight and binding so I was basically a Barbie bitch all day. I went from crazy crying spells to furious vents of anger.......it was not a pretty day in Barbie land. In fact, it got so bad that I totally blew off the gym and just went home. I didn't eat bad but I really struggled to make myself eat something during the day. I contemplated all kinds of crazy diet tricks to shake the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few days.....I was basically irrational for most of the day. Fast forward to after work and you will see Barbie sitting on the floor in front of YET ANOTHER pregnancy test, praying that maybe, by some chance that was what the problem was.......ummmmm, NO - not that I didn't already know that since I had taken 3 in the last 2 weeks but it upset me so the water works started up again. God poor my poor Ken was ragged from all the work (holidays in retail SUCK), house renovations, packing, moving boxes, carpet installs and now his Barbie bride was standing in front of him totally dissolved about the fact that she would never be pretty enough, smart enough, good enough - you name it, I wasn't enough of it - well except for fat enough! The poor guy tried so hard to console me, make me laugh, hell he even tried to muster up some tears to shed with me.......NOTHING worked! I finally wound up burying myself in housework and then curled in bed with a book.

I got up this morning, dug around for shoes and clothes because my house is completely upside down still and headed into the office. I was still cursing TOM and the fertility gods because for whatever reason, my body can't cooperate and the f'ing hormones didn't seem to causing the artificial response that they were supposed to.......I pulled into the office dressed from head to toe in black - I looked like the corpse bride of Johnny Cash and to be completely honest with you, after yesterday I doubted anyone would speak to me anyway! Long story short, I was really really feeling rotten and bloated and just ick........feeling like that with no real explanation sucks so I was being pitiful. Not for long though - hallelujah TOM showed up!! I have never in my life been so excited to have Flo knock on my door. Now granted, the bitch hasn't been around for a while so she probably isn't going to be the nicest house guest but I don't care - I am so thankful for her appearance that I'm shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone via my blog........okay after analyzing that last statement I'm thinking I may have really been scarred by this whole fertility problem??!! I will assure you all that I am not going to use this as my "what I'm thankful for" at the Thansgiving table - I'll have to come up with something else less exciting for that event!

I didn't exercise last night but I'm going to kick ass tonight! I also haven't weighed lately because I'm really trying to focus on important things like muscle and health BUT I have to weigh in at the gym on Monday for a "no gain" challenge that the gym is doing.......I'm thinking this will be great incentive for me to keep up the workouts and stay out of the candy dish? Actually, I'm not so worried about the food part but more about slacking on my exercise due to parties, family stuff, shopping, etc.

Oh, BTW - anyone ever heard of Blueberry Salad?? It is a family favorite in my house and I have come up with a points friendly version - I'll post it in a bit! It is sooooo yummy and typically what I eat for dessert (although MIL serves it with dinner). HUGS to all!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Wonderful Wednesday - uhhh, maybe not?!

So I'm trying to keep my attitude in check but the day is already wearing on me. Things have been really busy at work and at home. They are installing carpet in my money pit of a house today so EVERYTHING is upside down. Let me just say that getting up and having to dig for clothes/shoes to go to work in was not my idea of a fun way to start the day! I just keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it in the end!

Hmmmm, on to bigger and better things....like Thanksgiving!! Have I mentioned that it is my favorite holiday of the year??? I love Thanksgiving and the time with my family. This year we are actually spending Thanksgiving with my family - it will be a first as we normally are with the in-laws but they decided to go camping this year. That is when I said - NO - not spending Thanksgiving eating spam out of a can in a freaking tent - NO WAY!!! So we compromised and now I get to spend my birthday eating spam out of a can (my b-day is the day after Thanksgiving this year)......guess I'll survive it and chalk it up to the way my birthday usually ends up. You know I love my husband and he is great but he doesn't care about birthdays. He will ask me a thousand times what I want to do but I don't want to have to plan my birthday.......hell I have to plan everyone elses so why can't someone plan mine??? Again, there are far worse things that could happen so I should stop complaining.

On the food front - I'm trying to stick to more frequent, smaller meals and I'm doing okay I guess?? Actually today I feel like I've gained 10 pounds and I'm convinced that my clothes are too tight but I'm trying to remember that this bloat caused by the hormones that the doc has been pumping me full of. If I'm not careful I'm gonna end up like one of Bo Pilgrims fat yellow chickens!

I'm off to finish up my plan of attack for Thanksgiving - I have a ton to cook and I have to make sure that I'm prepared to eat too.........my usual method has been to take 3 bites of everything that I want - you only remember the first and last bite anyway - the second bite is so I can feel like I'm cheating a bit! That really worked well for me last few years so I may stick with that theory......the problem is desserts - I LOVE pumpkin cheesecake and can never get out of making one - it's really hard to pour that much of yourself into a dessert and not eat it!

All right girls - gotta run. Have a great rest of the week.

Monday, November 12, 2007

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Here I sit on a Monday afternoon - finally getting to blog. It has been a crazy day complete with marathon budget meeting and not enough time to get it all done BUT I have had breakfast and lunch today so I can't complain. In fact over the weekend I have done better. I wish that I could say I had been perfect and really stayed the course but I did manage to get some breakfast in both days and some lunch. I'm still struggling with the eating dinner too late but you have to start somewhere right?

I just want to say thanks to all of you for your comments and opinions......even the strong ones (Swizzle - I love you for your honestly and I soooo needed a good kick in the ass, so thanks!). I have really tried to spend some time soul searching this weekend and I've come to some interesting conclusions. Because this blog is no longer private (see my post about Ken reading up on me) I can't post some things. Not to mention posting them won't change them so it's better left unsaid. The things that I can talk about are the "challenges" that I need to face which are things like my lack of goals right now. I am a goal setter and I work so much better when I have a plan. For some reason I have really fallen off that wagon. Forgive me if this sounds vain but I am destined for greatness - I told you, sorry but I really do feel like I have a divine purpose and I know that there are things holding me back. When I say things, I mean things that I can't change (people basically) so the only thing I can do is change my approach and my perception of the situation........that is where I need to get more focused. Instead of whining about things that I don't like or things that I can't change I'm going to start focusing on what I can change and how I view things. Again, don't know when I lost this ability??? I could go through the whole host of action items that I have for myself and detail out my plan but you don't need to hear it.......just know that it's there and I'm working it and keep loving/supporting me - I NEED it!

On to what I'm learning and what I would offer up to anyone losing weight or facing any tough challenge..............make gradual, balanced adjustments - what I mean by that is, there is so much more to weight loss than just clothing sizes and numbers on the scale. You can eat good, eat bad, exercise, not exercise, count points, drink water and blah, blah, blah but if you don't change the real issues then you continue spinning in that vicious cycle. Weight, size, appearance is only a cover up for the real issue.......I've always known that but for some reason I got lazy and stopped really listening to myself. I got busy listening to everything else and everyone else telling me what I needed to be doing......not anymore though. I know what to do and I'm back to doing it. Thanks again for all your support.....Friday was a really low day but knowing that you guys were out there cheering for me made all the difference in the weekend!

I heart you all!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Facing Facts....I'm back where I started....

Hi all. Let me start by saying that this post isn't a vent or a bitch session or a pity party. It is the cold hard truth and it's something that I need to admit to myself. I need to fess up and face the facts......then I need to fix it. I know that I don't have to go back in time for you all but I need to put this down for me so forgive my selfishness and let me reflect for just a few.

It started last night when I began reading a book by Oprah called "Make The Connection". In this book she publishes entries from her journal and is very candid about her love for food and hatred for herself. I was completely absorbed in her writing and (not unlike a zillion other self help books have done for me)a light turned on. The "AHA" moment set in and I started reflecting on where I am and where I've been......being honest with yourself isn't easy and can be quite humiliating. Even now it makes me cry - sitting here typing with tears rolling down my face because of my wacked out food issues. My inability to just be semi-normal when it comes to life, exercise, food and my relationship with all 3. I keep going over the same question - I'm at the gym 5 or 6 times a week but I'm not losing - I'm asking this rhetorical question more to make myself feel better than anything. I KNOW why my pants are still tight and it isn't because my ass lifted - I'm totally compensating for my exercise because of my eating habits. Now I will say that honestly, I track everything and there hasn't been one day in the last 5 weeks when I have peaked over 1800 calories and according to FitDay, I am burning 2400 to 3400 calories a day (depending on exercise) so what is the problem......well here goes. In all it ugly, humiliating, disgusting glory - here it is - the truth.

The truth is - God why is this so hard to confess - that I rarely eat during the day......I try, I really really try and sometimes I succeed in getting a salad or some cottage cheese, especially before a workout but other than that I save up all my calories for dinner - I know it's sick. This happened over the last few months, slowly evolving into what I feel like could be considered some kind eating disorder. My routine is workout - head home - pack lunches & gym bag - cook family's dinner for the next day - wash my face - put on my pajamas - take my Melatonin and then fix myself something to eat. When my dinner is done at around 10:00, I take it to the table or the bedroom (a place where I don't have to deal with anyone) and I eat in peace and quiet or in front of the tv. The problem with this is a) because I am starving I eat way too much - thus why I have to wear my pajamas to eat - b) I don't eat bad food, hell I don't even go out to eat so you can imagine how much cauliflower and egg whites one would have to consume to hit 1400 calories (I do get my milk, cottage cheese, protein shakes in so that helps) - c) I eat and then immediately pour a glass of milk and then go to bed because by that time I can barely hold my eyes open thanks to the medicine. So because I go to bed on a full stomach and after having a huge glass of water then milk - I am up 3 or 4 times a night and usually at some point will have an apple or something like that. So that is the physical aspect of it but the mental part is even worse.......I'm like a junkie, every single day I think I'll do better and every single day I fail. I eat when I'm not hungry because I feel entitled - it is my reward for not eating all day (in fact I'm generally not hungry during the day so it isn't like I'm suffering). Somehow my dinner has moved from physical nourishment to emotional nourishment....I eat alone and somehow have associated that with "me" time - I get excited at the prospect of actually eating dinner because it isn't time that I have to deal with anything......why can't my time at the gym serve as "me" time - partly because I'm doing it because I feel obligated due to my declining health habits - with food there are no strings attached - nothing is expected or required. The husband is busy doing his thing , the kid is in bed and thus there is no one requesting anything, passing judgement or even speaking to me.........basically no one is watching and I can eat until I pass out......this is really no different from my old eating habits but now I chose to binge on healthy food - well guess what sister, healthy food will make you fat too!

I know all the tricks of the trade and I really thought that I had nipped this in the bud......I thought that this demon was dead and gone - I was the new and improved Stephanie - I was a Barbie - I was okay with who I was and I didn't need food........I think I got too comfortable, I let little things come back into play and I let them slide until now I have a full blown issue AGAIN. I wish I could say that I wasn't conscious of my decisions to eat so much but I am. Every time I sit down to eat I think "listen to your body" "being stuffed feels horrible" - but it doesn't take long for me to shut that bitch up and shove her in the back of the closet, allowing the food monster to come out.

People see pictures of me smiling and tell me what an inspiration I am.....if they only knew the truth. The struggle, the heartache, the burden, the beatdown it is.......then they would know that I am failing - rebelling - jumping off the wagon and the sucky part is that for all my failures, I'm not even enjoying shit that I love like mexican food and ice cream - I'm wasting my failures on fucking cauliflower and green beans!! I can't even fail properly!!!

So now that I've written that all down, I feel better - okay not really, I feel like shit but I have to suck it up and move on. So I have decided on a plan - as bad as I hate frozen dinners that's where I'm headed. I think a week of frozen meals will help me get my portions under control, make it easy for me to eat right after the gym (no eating so late) and take the stress out of food. I really really really need a break from carrying this baggage around......I've never seen a headline about a women going mental over food but I could potentially start that trend. I'm tired of crying over egg whites and failure and stressing about carrot sticks and calories.....I feel like a prisoner - I feel like a damn maniac half the time. I want to get back to living my life and living includes eating like a normal person. I don't want to look in the mirror and see a failure anymore - I want to be honest with myself - no more obsessing about my pannus or sodium intake. Your health is 90% diet and 10% exercise - I'm going to get my diet back on track, not to lose this 15 pounds but to find me again.

Thanks for listening and for being there in blogland.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Caution - Jello is a choking hazard and plastic knives will cut your lips!

I'm sure that you are all wondering what in the hell I was on when I titled this post but both warnings are true......oh so true! Let me start out by saying that I'm glad you all love me otherwise I would never be able to actually admit this. In fact, I still can't believe that I'm going to recount the events that took place in the dark, secrecy of my car but hell if you can’t share your drama with friends then who can you share it with.

It started last night when I was driving home from spin class and realized that I could possibly DIE from hunger. I made the mistake of not eating enough during the day to compensate for the total ass kicking that my instructor was going to shell out so I was famished. I stopped at the convenient store but really…..short of eating a candy bar or a weinee wrapped in an egg roll wrapper (someone please explain that logic to me??) I was screwed. Now just last week I said, hunger isn’t an emergency BUT in this case IT WAS! I really came so close to caving and stopping at a fast food restaurant but then I thought that I would end up eating something and feeling such guilt over it that it just wouldn’t be worth it. So there I sat with an hour drive ahead of me, in the dark, with nothing but a giant bottle of water and a few sour mints at the bottom of my purse.

I did okay for about half the commute………listened to the radio, made a call to my dad (who didn’t answer) and made mental lists in my head. Before long the list making turned from “things to do” to “things to eat”…….bad news! I began rummaging through the smorgasbord of crap that was in my car (yeah, I commute 4 hours a day so I always have empty bottles, makeup, cd’s, newspapers, etc. in the floor of my car – it is my home away from home) and my fingers grazed across something that felt oddly familiar……..hmmmmm, reaching back and nearly dislocating my shoulder I struggled to pull the treasure chest from the floor. Must reach it…stretch Barbie…damn why couldn’t I have been Stretch Armstrong instead of Barbie??? After what seemed like hours of maneuvering, honks, tires screeching, swerving all over the road and numerous unkind gestures I was able to reach my prize. What do you think I pulled out?? 2 handi-snack sugar free jellos………WOOHOO – hell with the level of euphoria that was running through me you would have thought that I had just pulled out a t-bone steak! So with jello in hand I begin to anticipate eating them…..this isn’t going to be easy though….but then again, nothing worth having is easy, right? My first clue should have been the fact that the foil on top had to be ripped off with my teeth….classy, I know. So here I sit driving 70 miles an hour ripping off foil tops with my teeth……sounds like a country song! Next question – geez Barbie, how ya gonna eat that??? Hmmm, think, think – I thought of my drinking days and jello shots. Just run your finger around the rim and slurp it down – the problem is that this cup o’ jello isn’t the size of a shot – it’s a lot of freaking wiggly jello but still I run my finger around the rim of the jello (at that point I realized that not only was jello kind of runny at room temperature but it would also stain your finger a lovely shade of red). I loosen the jello and begin my slurping……damn, it’s stuck – tell me, how the hell does jello stick to anything??? Old people and babies eat jello – it isn’t allowed to “stick” to shit! I slurp again……..now I’m getting pissed off – I’m convinced that f’ing Bill Cosby is playing a cruel joke with his jello products – one more slurp and this time I’m making it count……..yeah, guess you could say that I free’d said jello and managed to suck it down my windpipe…….guess the shit doesn’t really stick after all! So picture Barbie in her crappy red Impala (ken did fix my flappy plastic piece on the door finally), driving through town at 60 miles an hour, swerving, coughing, sputtering and choking on jello. I can see the headlines now – Women dies from asphyxiation caused by jello……..wouldn’t my family be proud! After what seemed like hours I was able to clear my throat and suspend the coughing fits – it was at that point that I decided slurping jello could be hazardous to your health so I had to find another way to eat my other cup. After rummaging around in my purse I found a plastic knife (don’t ask why in the hell I have cutlery in my purse – long story). I commence to peel back the foil lid with my teeth, sip off the jello juice (it’s room temperature and evidently jello sweats…….ewwww, okay that was gross) and cut my jello into sections with my plastic knife (in my head I’m thinking, of all days to not have the proper utensils it would jello day!). I neatly cut my jello into quarters and tried to “scoop” it out with a knife – yeah right, smart one, I know. The first quarter fell into my lap – once again there was swerving and near death experiences – the second quarter made it closer to my mouth but I think part of it is buried in the crack of my seat?? I finally began using the knife to shovel it in past my lips – really after almost choking on one cup and losing half the other one all I wanted to do was taste the f’ing jello!! Is that too much to ask……damn it!

In the end I walked away with stained fingers and cuts on my lips from the plastic knife but damnit I got to eat half a cup of jello……moral of the story – really hunger isn’t an emergency and yes, it is possible to die eating jello while injuring yourself with plastic cutlery. So…….anyone have any ideas on how to get the jello stains off my fingers???

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

My Strange 7

1. I met my husband when I was 15 and we worked together. We basically couldn’t stand each other; although, he doesn’t recall things quite that way……….I’m telling you – we despised each other. To top that, I was at his first wedding with the best man and the best man from his first wedding was who re-introduced and became the best man in our wedding! I know – bizarre – you should see the looks that we get when they see pictures of me as a guest at his first wedding and as a bride at his second!!

2. I am a list maker but I am notorious for getting completely off track and only accomplishing a couple of things from my list. This wonderful trait comes from my mother and drives my family nuts!

3. I LOVE to cook and bake – the holidays are a favorite time for me because it gives me an opportunity to cook and give it all away!

4. I LOVE to sing and have actually made some demo tracks. I used to sing a lot on the weekends at churches, weddings, funerals, etc. but really don’t have a lot of time for it anymore. Music is something that seems to speak to the very depths of my soul and when I have the opportunity to really sit and enjoy it I like to just soak it all up.

5. My baby kitty cat, Kali is really a princess!! Oh how I love that cat…….no idea that I would ever turn into a cat person but she has absolutely stolen my heart.

6. When I was a kid I wanted to be a missionary to Africa……I know, bizarre???

7. At one point during my weight loss I thought it would be smart to wear one of those sauna suits – aka black trashbag outfit – while doing a Tae Bo video. Bad idea……..it took a pair of scissors and a few bandages to get me out of that damn thing. Who knew that black vinyl good actually adhere to your skin like that???

Well I would tag people but I’m thinking that this thing has made the rounds so if you haven’t posted bizarre, strange facts about yourself as of yet – then GET TO IT!!

Friday, November 2, 2007

Profound Moment and Surgery Decision

Maybe I should be ashamed to admit this but I am someone who can have one of those Allelujah moments while watching a prime-time soap/tv show.......that is precisely what happened to me on Wednesday night. So here's the story and how it all happened.........Halloween was over, hubby was working and kid was in bed. I sit down on the sofa to eat some dinner while turning on the TV - I know this is a bad habit but in this case it proved helpful. I'm scrolling through the 97 hours of Spongebob that we have recorded (why in the hell do I pay $100 a month for cable only to have MY favorite shows ousted by a talking sponge running around in his underwear!!!) and find Private Practice. Now before I really get into it, let me say that I have really been struggling with my body. To say that I resemble a Gumby doll that was placed too close to the furnace is an understatement. It's bad - not as bad as it could be but bad. Bad to the point of being paranoid that someone might actually see me without my clothes on (namely my husband) - I cringe when he runs his hands over parts of my body because, inspite of my neurotic visits to the gym and some improved muscle tone, the flapping, sagging pannus that I carry around ain't leaving!

Okay - back to my moment.......Addison (the doctor)is talking to a woman who to the normal onlooker has a perfect life - she has a great husband, they want to have kids, she is happy, she is young and she is in love BUT she has just found out that she is going to eventually die - some genetic thing?? The woman freaks out and bails on her husband, her dreams, her future of having children and when the doc finally talks to her she proceeds to explain that everyone has a right to their life. Okay so now you're like WTF Barbie - get a grip but I really started thinking about it. We all deserve to have our life......we deserve to be happy.....we deserve to have what we want (as long as it is within reason and we are willing to work for it). I am about to be 29 in 3 weeks and I can't remember ONE TIME in my whole life where I looked at my body in the mirror and was happy - before it was weight, now it is skin, always something. I have worked so hard and yet I'm still not satisfied so - I've decided, I mean really decided, that after we have a baby I'm getting the skin removed. I don't care anymore about what people will think or finances or recovery or any of that crap - I'm doing it for me because I deserve it. I've worked hard, I've fought, I've failed, I've rallied and I've succeeded........now I want my freaking payoff!! I'm still neurotic and a tad mental about the whole let's be healthy thing - it will probably always be work for me to stay sane and healthy but damnit, I want my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - I deserve everything that life has for me so I'm taking it!

I think that same theory should apply to all of us regardless of where we are in our diet walks.......we should leave it all on the table and take what is ours. What is ours you ask??? Health, life, vitality, love, self confidence and the pursuit of happiness, damnit!! If we take anything less than those things out of our life then we have failed ourselves - we haven't truly lived our life! We all struggle and fall apart, our lives sometimes take wicked turns and lead us down paths that we would rather not trod but in the end WE have to take control - so that is what I'm doing. I have the power to change things.....I am working on it feverishly and I think one little, itty, bitty part of my brain actually might be figuring out that I don't have to eat like it is my last meal, at every freaking meal! Roni says "hunger isn't an emergency".........wow, who'd a thunk it!!

Okay, stepping off my soapbox.....I need to hurry and have a baby Barbie so I can get my surgery and get on with living my life!! On the day 4 of the eating challenge - hmmm, yesterday was a bit of a bust - felt bad, slept and hung around soup for the most part. I did manage to really reel myself in when I wanted to get up and eat all night so YEAH for me!! Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are "living" your life!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

I found cheap (calorie/point wise) chocolate & update on SIL...

Okay so I need to update on day 2 & 3 of the eating challenge but I'm skipping straight to the good stuff - you know what I'm talking about - the reason that you all are still reading this......CHOCOLATE!! Not just chocolate but points friendly chocolate!! I've actually had them before but my healthfood store quit carrying them so I had to go online and order them - they are called Chocolite and you can order them at www.healthsmartfoods.com - now I'm not going to lie to you, they are a little pricey but they are really good and 1 point for 2 pieces of chewy, nutty, chocolatey candy. So in my quest to buy candy, I also found 1 point protein bars - I'm talking 10 grams of fiber and 9 grams of protein - what the heck!!! All of that for 100 calories??? My theory was if they were only a 100 calories then they must taste like brown colored cardboard, right?? WRONG again........they were really good and filling - which is suprising since my appetite resembles the Grand Canyon on most days. I also ordered their milkshake mix which is 20 calories and 6 grams of fiber for a serving.......shake that up in 8 ounces of soy milk and 4 ounces of water - WOW!! I don't think I've been this happy since Bon Jovi's last stop in Dallas!! Seriously, you all should check out your healthfood stores and see if they carry this stuff, if not, maybe you could start a petition??

On to the boring junk - eating was okay yesterday but I didn't get to go to the gym due to Halloween so I was a little off. Not to mention, I started feeling sick and then I got my snazzy chocolate in the mail - that is just a recipe for disaster!! I did good though - I held on and stayed at about 1550 calories for the day - the problem is still that I eat when I'm not hungry. It's like my brain is in such a habit of eating dinner before bed that even if I'm not hungry I can't sleep if I don't eat. This is what warped eating patterns get you.......seriously screwed up mental disorders regarding food and how it relates to EVERYTHING. So now I have to decide - eat and sleep - or no eat and no sleep??? Again, just one of the many things that I need to work on. All I can say is that I am working on it......I do great all day and then cave at home - I'm thinking maybe I should get my jaws wired shut??

I really need to hit spin class tonight because I missed last night and I'm going to miss tomorrow but I don't know......I really don't feel so hot. I think I'm working on getting a cold or sinus infection, yuck!

One last thing before I go back into insanity land.......thank you all so much for the prayers for my family and sister in law. I honestly can feel the support through your comments and emails and it means so much. The advice and encouragement have been unmeasurable and I can't thank you all enough! My SIL did meet with her Oncologist on Tuesday and they are going to change the recipe up a bit - of course they won't do anything for a few weeks because her platelets are dangerously low AGAIN! They did remind her that she will never be cured......it won't go away. Evidently the next conversation that she had was with her 10 year old daughter - she had to explain that at some point in the future, there would be nothing left to do but cherish every moment and try to stay comfortable - basically, she is terminal.....this isn't the flu or a surgery - without a miracle, she will die - how the heck do you explain that to your child??? I am praying for a miracle - I am believing for one and I know that you all are pulling for her too. Thank you again! I {{{HEART}}} you all!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Day ONE of the Eating Challenge

So yesterday was day one of my challenge to eat smaller, more frequent meals.........how did I do?? I did manage to get in breakfast & lunch (both sized right)then I hit the gym. By the time I got home I was so busy making dinner for the hubby and son that it was 10:00 before I sat down - damn! Not only was it too late for me to meet my goal but I was starving so I didn't manage my portions like I wanted to. I still wouldn't say the day was a total bust though - I did manage to get in 1450 calories but points wise it only added up to 20 points. I understand the reason is because I eat mostly vegetables but maybe I should be counting points for those??? Ughhhh......I hate answering a question with a question! Sometimes I think I'm putting too much thought into it......I spend a lot of time asking myself how in the hell I managed to lose 245 pounds - like that is something that I can forget???

My next thought to ponder is what the hell should I expect from my weight training??? God knows that i have saggy skin so to think that I'm going to look like a bodybuilder is unrealistic BUT what the hell should I see. This is the nagging question - I see all the before and after photos and I know that my shit isn't going to shape up like that........I'm okay with that, well maybe not okay but accepting - it is what it is. So because visual signs are harder to see, unless I pull up the pannus and stretch back the bat wings, I am struggling. Maybe I should measure body fat??? Does body fat take in to account for skin? ACKKKK.....what is a Barbie to do???

So those are all the things that I don't know about.......some things that I do know about are:

1. I wouldn't trade my weight loss for anything. Skin or no skin - I know I look better!
2. Exercise is way better than Effexor and if you haven't tried it, you should! I hated it in the beginning but now I really enjoy my time with my lover, Gym.
3. I miss fast food sometimes but it is a mental thing.......that being said, I still struggle to make the break from the mental/emotional pull of food. Food holds so much for me - good days and bad days can be made on how and what I eat......I need to get a grip to ever be permanently fixed. Maybe I won't ever be fixed - maybe I will always be a recovering food junkie - either way I will learn to live with it!
4. I have lost 3 inches from my hips since August - don't start jumping for joy just yet girls - this was 3 inches that I gained from my lowest so I'm back to where I was. Now the problem is that my butt is located in a different region of my backside so my damn pants still don't fit right!!! Who knew that your ass positioning could change so much???
5. Logging my food is a good thing for me - thanks to my pal Swizzle!! This was a real eye opener for me. Trust me, I thought I was the Mother Theresa of diets - NOT SO! My calories were pretty in line with where they should have been for maintenance - no wonder I wasn't losing!
6. Knowledge is your friend - reading blogs, journals, articles, books, etc. has helped to keep me motivated and losing.
7. Last but not least, losing weight and maintenance are different but they present their own set of challenges and are equally as difficult.

Guess that is enough of my rambling for today - I'll report back tomorrow with Day 2 results.....wish me luck!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Yeah, Where the HECK is Barbie???

Now that is the question of the hour, huh?? Never fear - Barbie is alive and well - okay maybe not well but alive! Things have been super intense over the last week but I have survived and lived to blog about it. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers - we are hoping for some good news tomorrow about my sister in law.

In other news - no baby this month.......maybe I already said that but I took a test last week and once again got a big fat MINUS sign....sometimes I feel like I set myself up for the disappointment but I am still holding on to the hope that it will happen when the time is right? We did manage to get our house on the market and my father in law retired from his job - told ya it was a busy week! It was so sweet at my father in laws retirement party......I had probably 10 people come up and ask me if I was the girl from the magazine - one of them even asked me if I had before pictures with me???? It was very flattering and made me feel like I was the guest of honor!

As for food and exercise. I hit the gym last week and have really been trying to learn more about how weights/exercise/food works together. I started reading Larry North's book about fitness/nutrition and I'm trying to follow his eating plan. Basically his principles are to eat 5 to 6 small meals a day........I know, I know, how many times have I attempted this, only to not stick with it but this time I really want to see if it works - I will report back with my findings!

Okay I'm off to leave some Halloween treats for my co-workers........I've gotten into the spirit of "boo'ing" people this year! So much fun to see the suprised looks on their fact when they find a goodie!!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

The Weekend and the LONG Week!

Sorry for my most recent hiatus - I have been lurking but haven't had much time to actually think and write. First let me start by saying the walk was incredible. It was moving, motivating and just an awesome experience. I spent A LOT of time fighting the tears as I watched a sea of pink t-shirts (survivors) and white mingled - I reflected on my priorities and goals.......I cried for the amazing strength that these survivors have and for my own weakness and unwillingness to just enjoy some of the simpler things in life. I would have to say that it was one of the most rewarding and moving things I have ever done........it required little effort but the payoff was incredible!

On to the party - I actually made it home to lay down for an hour before having to get up to hooker it up for the party. I secretly bought some black and white striped panties to wear under my costume - then told my prisoner during the evening that I was actually a bad cop.......LMAO - needless to say Ken was ready to leave the party half an hour after we got there! I did really good but right before we arrived I started freaking out - the "fat girl mentality" got to me and suddenly I was transformed into my former 385 pound self........all of the old nagging thoughts started up and I found myself thinking "what in the hell have I done?".....I survived though and managed to turn a few heads at the party - the owner of the house happened to be dressed in a costume just like the hubby's - his wife was dressed as a much more subdued cop and to say that he wanted us to trade prisoners would be an understatement.....every time Rich left my side this guy was right there - at one point he mentioned his Viagra and ran his hand up my back......uh, okay time to go now! We had a good time but I was exhausted so we only stayed a few hours......the best time came when we got home.....LOL - I won't go any further with that! I did get some pictures of me in costume that I have to get developed and then I will post them....yes I said developed - I don't own a digital camera......I am so 1990's!!

Okay one last thing before I head out - we got some very devestating news about my sister in law - seems that the chemo isn't helping fight the cancer and basically if they continue to treat her she probably won't make it. She can't even tolerate a half dose at this point and so basically they have sent her home with not a lot of options. We will find out for sure what else is left to do but we already know that radiation is out so.......? My family and I have been through a whirlwind of emotions with this......anger, fear, sorrow - how is it possible that this is really happening - she is 39, she is educated, loving, the all american mother, a wonderful wife and daughter, funny, beautiful - she is all these things but now those are outweighed by the fact that she is dying. There are children that will forever be scarred by cancer......a family that will cease to exist at the hands of this horrible disease! Again, we are trying to go through the motions at this point but it is not an easy ride......please say a prayer for my sister in law and our family.

Also, while you are saying a prayer for my family, please remember those in California......the fires there are terrifying and so many are displaced and lost.....we, that are healthy and safe, have so much to be thankful for!

HUGS!!

Friday, October 19, 2007

Oat Bran vs. Barbie

WOW - 2 posts in one week??? Well this is more like half a post because I am in overdrive already at work. Let me start by saying that I had a total neurotic Barbie Bitch moment last night..........it began with cans of whip cream flying and ended with oat bran all over the floor!! Some days I have that realization that I really am defective.......I can be totally coherent and totally irrational all in the same moment!! I know that I have a weakness for oatmeal, cream of wheat and basically any other hot cereal. It is a real comfort food for me and is something that I grew up on. Typically I don't buy it......no one in my house eats it so there is no real reason for it, especially with my tendency to eat raw oatmeal out of the container - I know, what the hell is wrong with me??? For some reason I had a temporary lapse in judgement and thought that I could survive the temptation of having Oat Bran in the house........hell that stuff is like malt o meal so you can't really eat it by the handful unless you dig the feeling of gritty, clumpy shit running down your throat. So I buy the damn box.......it is fairly calorie friendly, high in fiber and decent in protein - no problem......yeah right. After logging my food intake yesterday and realizing that I somehow managed to waste 5 points on oat bran - yes girls, I binged on Oat Bran - I decided to take action! So not only did the oat bran have to go but so did the damn whip cream in a can.......there is nothing ladylike or classy about sneaking out to the garage to suck on the nozzle of an aerosol can.......I swear to God I need professional help sometimes!

So after all of my unhealthy binges I finally had a reality check and decided to take action. Only problem is my "taking action" includes raiding every cabinet, counter, fridge, freezer, nook and crannie to rid it of the contraband that is "BAD FOOD".........I always try to offer up a warning when this is going to hit so that the hubby can grab the kid and cats and head for cover........no point in traumatizing the whole family and taking your child to the hospital because he was injured by a flying aerosol can would not make for a cute insurance claim! Yesterday was just a crapola of a day so the idea of being able to throw things was fairly enticing......unfortunately, I got a litte carried away with the box of oat bran.....I resembled a sumo wrestler fighting a small child for a piece of candy! Geez - it is an inantimate object and I am wrestling it to the ground like it holds the winning lotto numbers....I would like to say that I won the battle of bran but in reality the box collapsed and shit went everywhere. You think it was the oat bran gods saying efff' you???

On to better things - my walk is tomorrow and I'm ready - not sure if I'm mentally ready because my emotions are running high all the thinking about my sister in law and grandmother. Also, I am soooo excited about my party and will get pictures up as soon as I can........I really am going to try not to get trashed! I don't recover well from drinking binges.......it doesn't take much to get me totally hammered and I pay for it for days. One drink is fine but more than that makes Barbie a barfer!

One last thing - I read a tip in Women's Health (here is the link to a great article: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/article/0,6176,s1-11-67-1882-1,00.html?cm_re=HP-_-On.Demand-_-50.diet.tricks.to.stay.full.longer). It says that to eat less you should try eating with your non-dominant hand. It will take longer and slow you down - good god, they weren't lying!! This tip is great unless of course you are ambidextrious and then you're screwed! But I did it last night and it took me 40 minutes to eat dinner.......hell by that time not only was I full and not finished but I was just sick of sitting there trying to get a bite!! You should try it - it works! This magazine has great articles about fitness and diet - I may subscribe to it!

Okay happy Friday to all - have a fun weekend and try to shake it if you can!

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Stretched to the MAX!

Wow - so here I am at work, crack of dawn so I can fit in a post, my food log and my work! Things have been more than busy hence why I haven't been around as much. I have been lurking when I can but free time has been few and far between. I have however been hitting the gym and logging my food - I swear Swizzle has made me a total geek with this spreadsheet thing......you guys have to try it! It is amazing how even when we don't realize it we get in calories - scary sometimes!

I was listening to the radio this morning and heard something that I found interesting. A woman was making excuses for her inability to lose weight and said that she didn't have time to exercise yet in the same sentence she confessed to taking naps during the day. The host of the show (who was a woman and is admittedly lazy) made the point that we always find time to do what we want to do. Why is that so profound to me.........I guess because "I don't have time" was always my classic excuse. I'm not saying that life doesn't get in the way sometimes but I do know that there are a lot of choices that I make which cause life to get in the way. One of my favorite quotes is:

There are basically 4 kinds of people: cop-outs, hold-outs, drop-outs and ALL-OUTS. --Robert Schuller
I think we have to make the decision on who or what kind of person we want to be and sometimes our mental and physical decisions are different - know what I mean??

On to other important news - my costume party is this Saturday and I am super stoked about hookering it up.......God I'm bad!! The breast cancer walk is also this Saturday and I'm really excited. I'm a little worried that I'm going to cry the whole way through........I have a picture of my grandmother who was a breast cancer survivor but passed away from a different kind of cancer - I also need a picture of my sister in law and I have a list of names going that I will carry with me. Thanks again Matty for inspiring me to do this.

Not much else new happening - no babies on the horizon........don't get me started on this subject......I get more frustrated as time goes by! My weight still seems to be steady even though the last two weeks I have eaten 8,000 calories less than what my body uses - that should be the equivalent of 4 pounds but why the hell would I start counting now??? I swear my body is an everchanging science experiment!!

Okay guess I should run - it only took me 3 hours to finish typing this out......again, things are really busy!! Hope all is well and I promise to post pics of my costume - BTW - My Ken is going as an inmate - I told him he was going to be my "bitch"!! Oddly enough - he doesn't seem to have the slightest issue with this!! LMAO

HUGS TO YOU ALL!!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Lady Lustice

The Happy Halloween Dance!

Hello all.........wow I have been missing you guys! Sorry that I've been MIA for a whole freakin' week...........crap! Thanks for all the check ups and messages - I am fine, no I am FANTASTIC, but I'm also incredibly busy......somedays I feel like I meet myself coming and going. I am currently planning a kids, murder mystery birthday party (this shit was supposed to be easy - yeah right!), renovating my house, working like a mad woman and trying to get ready for my Breast Cancer Walk. Oh yeah, don't forget the birthdays, holidays, weddings and other assorted fun times that are coming up..........I'm tired just thinking about it! Enough about how insanely busy i am - let's get on to the fun stuff!

So I weighed in and I'm still just maintaining........I'm not discouraged though because I feel amazing. I also have been tracking (thanks to my new SIZE 6 friend - Swizz) all my calories and workouts........you know something??? I am working damn hard at being healthy so F' the scale and what he says. I also see definition in muscles and my Ken has made mention, on more than one occassion, about the firmness of my backside!! So I'm happy with what I'm doing - exercise is way better than anti-depressants, which by the way, have been flushed!! I am finally through the detox/withdrawl crap and feeling really great! I'm still totally digging my exercise regime and have now incorporated some weight training and HIIT training!

So my NSV - for the first time in my whole adult life I am going to a costume party.......I know - sad, huh? But really what does a 400 pound woman dress up as??? So Ken asked if I wanted to go and I said, rather sheephisly, okay. I started doing some investigating online and tried to find all the cute couple costumes......you know the indiscreet plug and socket costume, the washer and dryer duo or the ever famous farmer and wife..........yeehaw!! I seriously considered something non-Trixie and reserved but then I thought SCREW IT. So for the costume party/wedding shower (another long story - we have strange friends) I have decided to "hooker" it up..........trust me I won't be out of place. I finally decide that I'm just going to have to go to a costume shop to find something so off I go on my quest - it was a rather dreary day and slightly drizzly........pretty fallish but not much fun for shopping. I pull up to the dimly lit costume shop - shit should have brought my mace - and head in...........WHOA, I had no idea that there was so much stuff for Halloween. I timidly walk over to the fairy, witch, pirate costumes........hmmm, cute, okay, maybe??? No, these aren't going to work......I continue browsing through what seemed to be a maze of raging lunatic parents and their screaming children, costumes, creepy shit falling from the ceiling and aisles of make-up/false body parts........suddenly I spy the "Trixie" section - oh yeah!! I have the girl pull down a few costumes for me and I'm looking them over......hmmm, stewardess, swiss miss girl (cute but I couldn't get my hair into braids), leprechaun....all are cute but I finally decide on Lady Lustice.....picture short cop outfit with lace up top and short skirt, vinyl jacket, choker collar, hat, fishnet stockings and thigh high boots..........I love it - I know that sounds sick and twisted but I can't believe that I can actually wear it and not look horrid!!! I sat in the homeade dressing room (seriously it was smaller than a port-a-potty) and cried.......why - don't know??? I sat there while a zillion children stood in line waiting for there turn to try on there scooby doo and minnie mouse costumes. Amongst the impatience of the children and their parents, I hid behind the homeade door ala table cloth and did the freaking happy dance!!! Then I thought - what kind of wacked out "grown up" am I.........really, I'm a grown woman that is making children wait while she tries on a hookerish halloween costume - I am an adult that is so insanely excited about the prospect of showing off her legs in fishnet stockings - I am an adult that bought her costume before her son's.........I kind of chuckle to myself even while I type this because I don't give a shit..........I can finally wear a freakin costume - WOOHOO!!

When all was said and done (15 minutes later) I lurked out of the dressing room and followed the stares and sighs of parents......knowing that they were probably wondering to themselves what the hell I had been doing in there and why I had mascara streaked down my face - I didn't care. I walked up to the counter and proudly said "I wanna be Lady Lustice - I'll take it"!! In fact I was so excited that I rushed home and ripped it out of the package........my poor hubby thought I had lost my damn mind, well until I came out in my costume!! He really wanted me to write him a ticket - LMAO!!

Okay girls - gotta get my butt in gear. I have a ton of catch up at work and in blog land. I promise that I'm doing the best I can to hit you all and send some comments but it may take a couple of days!! I missed you all so much.......Barbie isn't Barbie without her Barbie buds!! (((HUGS!!!)))

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

I Lied....

When I said that I had an okay eating weekend evidently I lied.......see I forgot about the chocolate sprinkle debacle that happened on Saturday morning - well I forgot about it until I went to the grocery store last night and realized what a punch those little bastards pack - so here is how it went down:

Saturday morning arrives with dear Barbie feeling a bit under the weather - not really sick but more the lovely "hangover/detox" feeling - basically like I had been run over by a tractor trailer and for some reason I determined that chocolate would revive me??? Being the neurotic Barbie that I am, I don't stock chocolate in the house - yeah, I'm the mom that throws out the chocolate syrup even though my kid loves it........I just don't keep that trigger food around - no can do. So in light of this info - I begin hunting for chocolate.......although i feel like total ass I somehow manage the gumption to begin a thorough scavenger hunt - seriously, I resembled a sick, twisted Survivor participant. This was a bad deal.........I'm rummaging through cabinets, cupboards, the fridge, freezer - damn it - why oh why do I have to be such a freak of nature and not have one drop of chocolate??? At this point it is a good thing that the hubby was working in the garage because I could have mowed him down given just the slightest reason.

Suddenly it hits me and I remember the chocolate sprinkles from the Christmas Cookie Catastrophe of 05 - yeah I know - they're 2 freakin years old but at this point I'm desperate. I find the bottle.......I looked like a fucking alcoholic.....my hands are shaking, I've been sweating from the fevered search and I stink cause I haven't showered yet but damnit I have the bottle of choco - geez, I'm pathetic! I unscrew the cap and realize that I've pretty much lucked out cause the bottle is almost full - surely this should be enough to ease my pain and soothe the shitty feeling that is coursing through my body......they're generic sprinkles - not even the good stuff but hey when you're a junkie, somedays you take what you can get. I sniff them and inhale the aroma of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - someone tell me why in the hell don't chocolate sprinkles have a smell??? Maybe that would have detered me.......maybe then I could have saved myself from drowning in the whole damn bottle - maybe a whiff would have helped bring me back to reality - nah, probably not. So I sniff them, smell nothing and tip my head back with bottle to my lips. The first nibble of "sprinkle" tastes a bit waxy - nothing like a good chocolate bar or the likes.......I need to take another "sip" - hmmm, my brain is now numb to taste, smell and LOGIC - finally I just downed the whole damn bottle. Of course, right at this point, my Ken walks in to find his Barbie, clad in a sweaty nightgown, hair sticky with sweat, smelling like a 3 day old hangover and mouth full of small hard choco bits - he looks a bit confused, kind of like who the hell are you and what have you done with my wife??? I smile, he frowns and I immediatley realize that I have just given myself away - I'm standing there grinning like a cheshire cat with shit on her teeth.......cute, I'm sure. He asks what I'm doing, I choose not to respond - there is no need to go through the babbling Barbie speech, complete with tears, sobs, choking, snot and other assorted sound effects/bodily fluids..........it's pointless and I'm busted. The great thing is that I'm not too traumatized, Ken never mentions it and we go about our merry way. I then enter the week feeling relatively smug about beating the bitch that is anti-depressants while staying fairly on target with the food..........hmmmm, well I felt that way until I hit the grocery store yesterday and just for kicks I decided to read the nutritional value on the chocolate sprinkles - see the generic shit doesn't offer calories or fat - I mean who the hell eats a whole bottle in one sitting?? The good stuff though, does offer nutritional info and what do you think that info is........hmmmm, maybe if I replayed my gasps and shrieks of horror you could take a wild guess......well my friends - 1 bottle is 23 servings and each serving is 20 calories SO - 1 freaking bottle of chocolate sprinkles cost me 460 calories..........460 F'ING calories of nothing - waxy, I don't have a smell or taste, NOTHINGNESS!!! Stupid Barbie Stupid Barbie - so lesson learned - I will never understimate the calories in ANYTHING!!

Monday, October 1, 2007

Paranoia, Panic Attacks and Hot Flashes!

So today is my 3rd day of being completely off of the anti-depressants and sleeping meds. I accidently forgot to take my medicine on Friday night so I got a few days jump start on detoxing completely. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as it could have been and it is much better that I ended up going through this while I was home with the hubby. He was INCREDIBLE to say the least.....Friday was just a bad day all around - I was tired, feeling crappy and in a funk. I got home and found my new diamond and sapphire ring that he bought me.....the one I had been wanting - I was sooooo excited!! He spent the rest of the weekend talking me off the ledge - one of the lovely withdrawl symptons from the Effexor is panic attacks and hot flashes. I was convinced Saturday night that someone was in our house and then I started crying......poor Ken - he was so tired and I was acting like a lunatic......he was very patient and kept reminding me that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. Even thinking back on it makes me tear up because most guys would have rolled over and gone to sleep but not him......he stayed up with me and literally kept me from totally having a melt down. Yesterday was a little less dramatic but I was just in a fog and really worn out. My sweet Ken went to the grocery store with me and helped around the house........I ended the day by going to bed fairly early and trying to sleep it off.

That leads me up today which is day 3 and I feel good.........still struggling with my memory (I managed to take way too many blood sugar pills on Saturday because of this) and a bit of fogginess but all in all, I'm feeling almost a 100%. I didn't make it to the gym over the weekend but I didn't do horrible in the food department - I will be hitting the gym tonight and weighing in on Wednesday. My bod bud has her weigh in on Wednesday so I thought I would make the switch so we can celebrate together!! Not to mention in my fragile mental condition on Friday - I didn't think that duking it out with the scale was a good idea!

I went back and looked over my food/exercise journal for the week and see that I wasn't too bad - I averaged approx. 26 points a day and I earned about 28 activity points throughout the week so I'm not sure if I will see a loss on Wednesday but hopefully I won't see a gain. Thanks for all the encouragement and advice during this trying time.........this hasn't been any fun but Colette was right when she said that sex would be more fun - LMAO!!! I HEART you all and I have gone back and read/re-read your comments over and over - those and my hubby have been what has kept me going - oh yeah and exercise has helped too!!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Exercise Versus Effexor

Day 4 of no meds.......doing okay, hanging in there and moving along. My brain feels a bit foggy but I'm not sure if that is the withdrawls or just my lack of motivation for work......I want a vacation! I did get a real "pick me up" comment from someone who is in the same boat that I was and is working hard to lose the weight. It made me feel so great to hear that I inspired her and my "realness" offered her some encouragement. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm too real but unfortunatley for you all, I don't know any other way to be. The real deal is that I'm completely uncoordinated, somedays I HATE being healthy, I question my abilities every single day, most days I forget what I've accomplished and focus on my flaws - oh and let's not forget about my seriously screwed up food issues.........you know the ones, snorting pudding, having a lucid affair with banana pudding and my obsessive desire to visit the grocery store every day. God, some days I feel like a total mess and then I get a comment from you guys that tells me I'm okay, maybe not normal but accepted and on some small level, maybe even an encouragement. THANKS - you have no idea how much I need that reassurance that the nice men aren't coming with a snug jacket made especially for me!!

On to the topic of my post...........Effexor - hmmmm, not much to say but this shit is hardcore. Good grief - I took a really low dose and in coming off of it I'm fighting the brain fog and anxiety like a mad woman. Not to mention, I am no longer taking my sleeping meds.......I kind of miss those but not the weight that they help put on. I just miss falling into blissful, forgiving sleep - now I have to work at shutting off my brain and staying asleep. The one thing that I know is that this whole episode will be well worth it when it's over. I'm not bashing anti-depressants or sleep meds, by any means - they saved me at one time but since I have begun my exercise routine, I feel so much better and so much more positive. It is true what they say, bad as I hate to admit it, exercise is great for depression! Does that mean that I LOVE exercise - ummmm, probably not - my brain just isn't built for enjoying a total ass kicking every night. I still have to force myself to go and trust me this week, has been a real struggle. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that if I actually work my body, it will reciprocate by hopefully falling into a fitfull sleep and my body has not failed me...........sleep hasn't been wonderful and not nearly as deep but it is coming and stays around for a while each night.

It's funny because to say that I loathed exercise before, would have been a tremendous understatment. I knew the weight loss benefits but for the most part would have rather starved than move. I wish that I could confess to being one of those girls that had the motivation to work out on her own every day but I don't have it in me. I need an organized class, complete with screaming instuctor and group of sweating people - I need to look around and say "damnit, I'm as good as her so get your fat ass up off the bicycle seat" - I need the step instructor telling me "we're gonna do it til we get it right"........I need blaring music and the smell of sweaty armpits to know that I'm working it. Does that make me deranged???

One last thing and I'll wrap up this convoluted post.........I'm a little worried about my special "scale time" tomorrow. My eating hasn't been too terrible with TOM here but I could have refrained from the peach ice cream (I did finally just trash it last night so at least that is over). I also could have done better at sticking to my goal of not eating late at night.......this one is rough for me - I get home late from the gym and I'm not too hungry - when I finally get hungry and eat it's 10:00 - then it's time for bed. I've always been like this......I've always enjoyed eating dinner late, I don't know why but I just do.........I got out of this habit for a long time and somehow slipped back into it......damn - I am going to work harder on this though - I think I can, I think I can!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I Told Him Not To but HE DID IT ANYWAY!!

Hmmmm - how to sum up the first half of this week in one word - rough! Yeah, Aunt Flo is kicking my ass right now and on top of that I am weaning myself off of some anti-depressant meds that the doc put me on last year - I am actually very excited about getting rid of the meds and can attribute my ability to do this to EXERCISE. It's the truth - exercise is better than Effexor any day!! Honestly, I have no idea why that quack doctor put me on that crap last year other than I went into his office in tears because I hadn't been able to sleep - evidently he confused insomnia and sleep deprivation for depression. Finally made it to my usual doctor and he agreed that I don't need the meds - now I just have to deal with the withdrawls...........that part sucks!

My poor sweet hubby has been amazing..........sometimes he can really suprise me with his super sensitive self. He has been very supportive and "available". He reminds me that I'm doing great and has been encouraging me to get to the gym as this really does help with the down times. All in all, I'm doing pretty good with it except for me eating...........I haven't done bad, per say, but I have been eating an average of 28 points a day..........this isn't too bad because I have been exercising but I've been consuming a lot of this crap at night...........the boredom and insomnia have gotten the best of me over the last few days. Not to mention TOM is here and like I said - she is kicking my ass!! I'm hanging in there though and today is a new day, right??? I'm a little afraid of what Friday will bring, especially since I feel like a beached whale right now.

Speaking of my Ken - he confessed last night - he googled my blog and read it..........I don't know how I feel about it really. I had specifically asked him not to read it because I needed the ability to talk openly about my "issues" without fear of judgement from anyone. He said that it made him laugh and cry all at the same time. He apologized of course and promised not to read it again...........I guess I can't be too mad at him because I probably would have done the same thing but just never told him that I did it. I guess we all have our insecurities and he did say that he freaked out a bit when he saw my post labeled "I want a divorce" - poor guy!! He really is great in the sense that he allows me to whine about my weight and obsess over food and exercise. He doesn't criticize and tells me every single day that I'm beautiful and sexy..........I know that he adores me - hell he more than adores me and for the most part I take that for granted. With all of his wonderful traits, he still doesn't fully understand my paranoia with food and fat and weight.......he tries but if you have never really experienced it then you just can't fully understand. I really do have to give him credit though - he tries so hard and God knows I don't make it easy!

I still have yet to post about the insane class on Saturday - I have to get that down because if I didn't get a good workout then at least I got a good laugh...........it reminded me a bit of Dancing With The Stars meets Sweatin to the Oldies! Watch out Richard Simmons! Gotta run - another all day meeting today.......wish me luck........must stay awake!!!