This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Friday, July 6, 2007

**Camel Names and Travel Games**

Bitch - I hate suck.......I wish you were dead - oh well, wait, you are an inantimate object aren't you???!!! So those were the words that I was screaming at my scale this morning - some other phrases were MOVE damnit MOVE!! This screaming rant was then followed up by me jumping up and down on the scale - YOU WILL MOVE OR I WILL MOVE YOU MYSELF - that was the basic synopsis of the evil beating and abuse that took place on the morning of July 6th. Why you ask, I do not recall - can I use that in this instance??? I am a bit obsessive compulsive when it comes to weighing in, especially when I fell regal and justified in my snobbish ways of eating........the problem lies in the fact that I tend to expect results from 1 count it, 1, uno, single, lone day of being good.........I mean really come on - last night I was sensible, made good choices which DID NOT include 1000 calories of brocolli so isn't it realistic to think that I could squeeze my (almost size 8........shhhh, don't tell anyone) ass into my size 2/4 jeans.......isn't that the way it works??? Geez when will I don't go around avoiding waistbands and tucked in shirts for 3 months and then overnight - VOILA you have arrived back at that place..........nope, not gonna happen and you know what - THAT F'ING SUCKS - again, this is where more screaming, ranting and gnashing of teeth comes in............this is the part where I question the logic behind giving my poor baby soul, somehwere up in Heaven, a body that doesn't match my personality. I mean surely my personality was only destined for thin, svelte, beauty. Surely someone has made a horrible mistake. I was a bubbly, beautiful, bouncing baby and now I have turned into a deranged dieter that has an abnormally strong appetite for vegetables.......vegetables which are on the verge of pushing her completely over the edge and out of her comfortable weight range. I want a do-over - or wait maybe I just want a Big Mac - know what I want - I want to feel normal. I want food to NOT be so important to me.....I want to not feel hard-wired with some kind of mental food defect mechanism.....I want to like exercise AND water........I want to not crave chocolate to the point of eating a jar of pickles to squelch the craving (by the way that really does work - a pickle will almost always kill a choco craving).......I want to nibble here and there and say "OH no more for me, I'm stuffed, I couldn't eat another bite" - hell I don't think those words have even ever come out of my mouth.......I guess there are just times when I can so easily identify my weaknesses and I wonder why I got picked for them.......I eat out of emotion, boredom, anger, tiredness - get this - I eat because I'm tired but then have been known to get up in the middle of the night to eat - HELLO - does that make any sense??? Really, I am a very logical person......reason and order drive who I am. I am a driven person, tennacious in most everything.......I require structure and routine so why - tell me why - is the eating thing so damn hard??? I have been at this for 4 years, maybe 5 - I can't even remember anymore and you know what - it hasn't gotten any easier........well it has simply because I am more educated and can make better some things go without saying - I drink my water and eat my veggies because it is routine/habit.......but I still have to make such an effort to not sneak, pick, overeat, lick the plate or dig out all the fudge with my finger in Tin Roof Sundae ice cream.........this no longer disappoints me but rather angers me for the most part.......I get in my moods when I am frustrated with my husband for eating whatever he wants and still looking the same.......I have discovered that he doesn't still look the same really but I look past that and so does he - I think the key is that he is totally accepting of himself.......I am totally accepting of him - it has never dawned on me to think "wow the husband has a buddha belly" because I don't give a damn - I married him for his money and intelligence - okay now I'm really lying cause we defintely aren't rolling in the dough! So hubby eats crap and I eat like a vegetarian hippo (really) - hubby is perfectly okay with who he is - I on the other hand, cry because my thighs are jiggly and pannus is swollen and my hair is too thin and my skin is too oily and my toes aren't shaped right and my nose is too wide - should I go on???? He has the ability to brush his teeth and go - I must shower, apply 2 zillion dollars worth of products titled things like fat hair, plump lips, voluptious lashes and then I begin the descent into the other zillion dollars worth of products labeled - thigh thinner, body shaper, skinny jeans and the plunge bra - so 2 hours later we are ready to head out the door.......I know that this image crisis is not limited to only I - I have read articles about celebrities that feel this vice grip around them, other weight loss buddies complain of this same beatdown, average women in the grocery store are looking around wondering "does my butt look big in this" while they are squeezing the bread to see which loaf is the most fresh - does anyone have any idea how we got to this place or why???? How do we leave the land of labels and get back to being able to eat until satisfied AND feel okay about ourselves - suggestions for this journey - like what should I name my camel or are there any travel games that I can play to pass the time.........I think this is gonna be a long journey!


Diet Coke and Zingers said...

Did you just say you're a size 8??? Oh my word... I haven't been a size 8 since I WAS 8!!!

Colette said...

Steph!!! Hey girl. Hope your having a great weekend. Very busy here. The B/f is here this weekend and I have tons of stuff going on!!

I had to LOL when I read your post!! YOu are too funny...but seriously...Don't be too damn hard on yourself!! You have accomplished more in your LIFETIME than I prolly ever will and it takes lots of dedication and willpower...which we BOTH know you have. Chill, relax and have a great weekend. ttyl {{{HUGS}}}}