This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Sweating to the Strip Tease!!

Okay girls I did it - I bought that damn Carmen Electra strip tease workout video............hehe - you should have seen the hubby - he was ready to wet his damn pants!!! I on the other hand was feeling a little less than coordinated so I was preparing myself for the worst...........and I was right - I looked like I should be on Barbie Gone Wild. Jesus - I was shaking it (ALL OF IT - yes girls the slapping sounds were not my husband smacking my ass and waving dollar bills but it happened to be all the flaps and folds of skin smacking together - I'm gonna have to invest in some heavy duty saran wrap to wrap that shit in or I'm gonna throw something out!). So here I am, in my living room, in suburbia - now I live in a house that has huge windows with no covering - yes despite my dark brooding I do like some sunshine.......the only thing that saved me from total humiliation is the fact that every person on my street is over 75 so if one of them had come out and seen me through the window they probably would have offered to push their "help I've fallen and can't get up button" for me.

Lets just sum it by saying that hubby was all about buying me a pole until he came in (well snuck in - cause I banished him from the room) and saw the horror of it! Now I'm trying to imagine myself in a pair of my hooker shoes and shaking it??? I do have some thigh high boots - a spur of the moment purchased that almost resulted in a broken leg for me and hubby get his poked out.....damn that was bad - you know, I'm trying to be sexy and svelt all walking around the room in these hooker, thigh high boots - of course just about the time I try to be cute, my ankle gives out.......down I go - legs in the air, ass hurting and pride was even worse - that, my friends is when I decided that sexy was what you made it and trust me I look much sexier standing up right without a body cast!

Back to the exercise video - stupid is all I can say. I couldn't even finish it by myself. God did not intend for me to move like that and there is nothing seductive about me trying to shake, shimey and keep the skin from smacking me in the chin - maybe if I had fake boobs insted of figs hanging from a branch or if I had muscles instead of bat wings??? Not sure but I'm thinking that video may hit ebay real soon.......I'm gonna have to stick to walking or some other non-rythmic exercise cause Barbie can't dance - I can shake it but shaking it to choreography is not how mother nature intended for me to lose weight - in fact it's a good thing that I never had to do that for a living or I would have been dead f'ing broke for sure!

I am running behind on catching up on everybody so it may be tomorrow before I get all the way there - oh yeah and I guess tomorrow will be confession time - shit I totally ate my weight in Gerber kiddie puffs - don't ask - it isn't pretty!


Swizzlepop said...

OMG lady you either need to become a stand up or write a book!

Funny that you write about Carmen;s DVD, I was at Target yesterday looking at the fitness section and saw that one and her Lap Dance once. I had heard a lot of bad reviews about the pole dancing one and can't even imagine the Lap Dance one. And I'm all about dancing, used to dance for years (not pole, ethnic dance) but I like to leave my workouts to something more traditional. You should check out The Bar Method. 45 minutes, totally mellow but makes you work and you FEEL it in a good way.

So did the hubs pay a fee for watching or did he just sneek in for a free peep? LOL

MMalloy said...

LOL!! I have these DVD's, I bought the box set...we laugh about it at work becuase one of the girls dared me to learn the lap dance and perform it at the office...I rock at that one!
I used them for about a month and now they are tucked away in a closet, noone needs to see me moving like a chicken with it's head cut off!

Colette said...

Haha @ MMalloy!!! I would love to get a workout video like this but one big problem here. I have a 7 yo who's life ambition is to work at HOOTERS!! Oh I can see her PRACTING with momma's dvd!!! LOL.

OH how I wish I could have seen this Stephanie..LOL

Jo said...

Haha, I don't think I could even consider trying what you have. I feel stupid enough doing Zumba in front of other people - at least my instructor doesn't make it as hokey as the DVD guy. Too bad Barbie can't dance, but she can shake it!