This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Elephant Ass Barbie!

Okay this TOM of the month shit can depart anytime it gets ready.........let me tell you girls when the beast comes knocking she fucking knocks the door down!!! Between the usual ick of that whole thing, comes hormones from hell (way out of wack), a bloat that could kill an elephant and cramps, blahs and some insane cravings!!!

Last night after laying on the bed playing "Princess Barbie" complete with my royal duty of whining and bitching, I decided that I must have food........or I would become one armed Barbie or potentially Widow Barbie. I lay there moaning and Ken comes running to my side - "are you hungry, do you want me to fix you some food???" - now Ken's "babytalk voice" annoys the hell out of me and he knows this so he is not suprised when I roll my eyes and roll over. I tell him that what I want is mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese or chocolate or donuts or cake........his response is typical of most men.......well your body must need starch??? WTF - no Ken, sweetheart - my body wants comfort food - I don't feel good and I want to drown my cramps in a huge vat of pasta! I, of course, am thinking of a good alternative and I remember that I have some tofu spaghetti noodles and some powdered popcorn cheese - maybe this will satisfy the beast?? I lumber down the hall - I say lumber quite literally because bloat is a bitch - get to the kitchen and open the package of stinky noodles - god they stink and you would think that this would deter me but not so much! I rinse and par-boil my shirataki noodles (which I do like), steam some brocolli and sugar snap peas and prepare for what I assumed would be homeade mac and cheese at it's best. WRONG - no not just wrong but F'ing WRONG - it wasn't bad but face it..........fucking tofu does not taste like mac and cheese from when you were a kid - it ain't gonna happen, you can dress it up, color it purple, stand on your head and eat it but when you want creamy mac and cheese some damn powdered cheese and tofu noodles does not suffice!!! So I took three bites, got pissed and threw it out. I didn't care about food at that point but I really wanted mac and cheese.......I just knew that the creamy gooshiness of those squiggly noodles would drown all my troubles and chase away my blues........yeah right!! Again, Barbie lives in a bubble at times!

I did finally end up in bed drifting off to sleep, dreaming of food........I dream of food in great detail, I dream of eating cheetos in the bathtub and of eating one of those fried chicken, mashed potato, corn and gravy bowls from Kentucky Fried Chicken........I dream of tacos and burgers - can you tell I have a problem??? So in the midst of a food dream I awoke and was STARVING - no food all day makes Barbie very hungry. I again lumbered down the hall - the cats are still in hiding (see my last post about the trashbag!) so at least I didn't have to hurdle them. I make my way in to the kitchen and realize that this could be potentially lights all around........stop, don't do it, thank of your family Barbie, for the love of god and all that is holy - DON'T DO IT!!! There was no stopping me.........well I say that - I only ate half of a chocolate donut hole because those suckers are a whole point for freaking hole!!! This is the shit that is leftover from the donut and it is "expensive" - can't imagine what the whole damn thing would cost me! I rummaged around and ate a whole hodgepodge of crap........a container of sugar free jello, a few strawberries, a pudding cup, some squash and some gerber baby puffs.........jesus - not a bad night but far from nutritious. My only saving grace is that I had taken some Tylenol PM so I knew that I was in no shape to cook - had I been able to it would have been a mashed potato and macaroni & cheese fest!!!

I need to catch up with everyone but I have been insanely busy at work - in closing, it is absolutely amazing to me how much our bodies can change from one week to another. Last week I was exercising, knew that I was making some progress, feeling good and this week I feel like the ass of an elephant.......large and rough and stinky!!! It will pass and Barbie will be Barbie again soon......Ken may not live to see another day but Barbie's never die!!!!

Have a happy day and remember that even if I am Elephant Ass Barbie - I am still a Barbie damnit!!!!


tina said...

haha thats so funny. I fell you thought last night i really would have killed for some good ole ice cream. Not the just plain stuff i mean the loaded with everything including the kitchen sink imagineable.

dizzydazey said...

Bless you heart! TOM Sucks! But thanks for making me smile! :o)

WeightBGone said...

Damn straight you ARE still a Barbie and you have the right to bitch all you want!!!

All of us other Barbies will listen and sympathize because we know we too shall be bitchin about something ourselves before to long. LOL

Hope you feel better soon!!

Melanie said...

I'm feeling ya girl. I"m with ya this week. I was in such a funk poor DH. I gave him the heads up after I yelled at him for some stupid reason! So know is he listens, gives me a hug...and then hides!! ;-)

Only a couple more days girl!!

Colette said...

Awww Steph I know the TOM sucks...I remember it all TOO well!! And when I got it I was PHYSCO BITCH BARBIE then!!! LOL. I know my bf is so happy he doesn't have to deal with me like that no more.....sad thing is I still have to deal with HIS ASS!! LMAO

Men are mostly cluess with this TOM thing...just saying the words grossed him out!! Oh and heaven forbid I needed TAMPONS!! He was not going to buy them ever but if I went to the store and wanted to buy some he went to the car!!! LOL Scared Chicken shit!!

OK quick joke:
Bubba and Boudreau was bored one weekend and had nothing to do. Bubba told Boudreau I have an idea give me all your money. So they scraped together $2.50 between them and Bubba said wait right here I will be back.

Bubba runs down to the drug store and comes back with a box of Tampons! When he gets back Boudreau looks in the shopping bag and says "Bubba why the hell did you go and buy these Tampons for?"

Rolling his eyes in disgust Bubba takes out the box tampons and says "Boudreau it says right here on the box, that with these here Tampons you can go Swimming, horse back riding and .....LOL"

Amanda said...

LOL @ Collette! Funny stuff!!!

Steph, Barbie, I mean Steph--I feel you this week. Last night, I just started crying in mid sentence while talking to my Ken. I think he has a clue, but he doesn't ask.

The fact that you wake up out of a deep sleep hungry and actually get up and get food just cracks me up! For me, there is no way I am climbing out of my nice, soft, warm bed to eat. You're hilarious!

"the captain" said...

I am the REAL MASTER WEIGHT LOSER!!! Batman and Robin told me at the Comic Show! They gave me a pin to prove it. Off to the batcave I go! My blog will tell the truth imposter.

"The Captain"

NCChris said...

I love it!! I want to add an item to your comfort food list: Stove Top Stuffing! I can't even buy it to have in the house - I will make it and eat it!!! By the my sweatpants...


"The Captain" said...

For the record I didn't post that comment. Any chance you could remove it?

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