He is here!

Sorry for not posting sooner but things have been a little hectic. Baby Will arrived safely on the 18th with only 4 hours of labor and 30 minutes of pushing......his mommy was so happy that things went so smoothly. We did have some dips in his heartrate which sent everyone into a tailspin but we got it back up and he made it here with nothing more than a cone head! He weighed a whopping 6 pounds even and was 19 and a half inches long - can someone please tell me where the other 54 pounds came from?? Just kidding - I am absolutely, totally head over heels in love with him......I can't imagine what I ever did without him!

I feel great and we were released from the hospital on Saturday - just in time for all the Christmas festivities. Thank you all for your prayers and your support. He is an absolute miracle and I can't believe that he is mine! I promise to update soon but for now the breastfeeding is keeping me pretty tied up. I know why they say you lose weight while breastfeeding - geez you have no time to eat yourself! I hope you all had a great Christmas and I have a ton of pictures to share!!

(((HUGS))) from Baby Will's mommy!

Let the countdown begin!

14 days and counting to be exact - yep, we are having a baby on the 18th of this month!! Oh my gosh!!! I am still sitting here in absolute disbelief at the thought of holding my little boy in 2 weeks. I can't even begin to describe what an amazing, incredible, frightening, difficult yet completely worth it journey that infertility and pregnancy has been. On top of the 60 pounds - yep I said 60 - that I've gained there is so much more. Amazing things have transpired in my life over the last 30 months - I've experienced some of the greatest sadness and joys of my life.......all wrapped up in 30 months. My hubby and I have become so much closer, more in love and truly best friends. I've learned to ask for help and to let other love me. I had no idea what kind of journey we would be on when we decided to start "trying". I can honestly say that I wouldn't trade one day of it for anything in the world. The truth is.......God does always know what is best for us.

According to Dr. H, Will is low and I'm about a fingertip dilated. Nothing to really write home about even though I've been having contractions for the last several days. My blood pressure is still good and other than the scale creeping up like crazy I have no complaints.

I finally got my new camera so I really need to get my butt in gear and get some pictures of the nursery - maybe I'll work on that this weekend. Oh I also need to pack my bags, have the car detailed and put together the various baby contraptions that we have. Oh and attend my 6th and final baby shower on Sunday - man this is going to be a busy 2 weeks!!

Thank you all so much for your support while I've been on this journey. I'm really going to need a kick in the butt to get back in shape once this baby is here so please stick around!

(((HUGS)))

Quick Update

Not sure if anyone even comes around anymore but I just wanted to give a quick update. Work has blocked Blogger so it's hard for me to get updates together right now. Baby WIll and I are doing fine and everyone is betting that i don't make it until Christmas? We'll see I guess? I have dropped and have had some contractions but that means nothing especially since I was almost three weeks late and my mom was in labor for 3 days. Yeah, I was a real sweet kid, huh??

Speaking of my birth, today is my 30th birthday and I feel so incredibly blessed. A baby on the way, a great family, an amazing hubby and a new house.........what more could I ask for?? Oh and I got breakfast in bed this morning and the hubby bought me a strand of pearls - yep I cried!

In other news - baby Will is growing like crazy and so am I. We just had maternity pictures taken on Saturday and I'm amazed at how HUGE I look.......I'm okay with it but I am anxious to meet my little boy.......less than 5 weeks to go! Everything is ready to go with the exception of my bags being packed. I'll save that for next weekend. Christmas shopping is done, nursery is done, 5 baby showers completed - yep, I had 5 and I have one more on December 7th. People have been so generous and we are running out of room for all the stuff that this little guy has accumulated! He is going to be one spoiled little boy!

Gotta run and get ready for church but I'll try to get pictures of the nursery up asap.

(((HUGS)))

For Swizzlepop

Your comment made me cry cause I miss you so much!! At least email me and let me know how things are going. We're soul sisters, remember!! :~)

(((HUGS)))

I LOVE the scale!

Finally I had an appointment with NO, yep I said NO, weight gain!! I have been trying so hard to watch my calories and eat healthy and finally I feel like it paid off. The funny thing is that I did almost zero walking over the last 3 weeks. Between being sick and then just being plain busy, I became a slacker. I'm really hoping that the next 8 weeks go just like the last 3-4 have. Great progress with the baby and good healthy appointments for me. Baby Will is head down and the doc says he looks perfect.

I went to a breastfeeding class on Saturday and got some great information. I'm hoping that I can breastfeed but I'm not going to fall apart if I can't. There are so many health benefits for the baby and mom, that I would feel crazy to not at least give it a shot. The only thing that I'm worried about is Rich's involvment. He is such a hands on kind of dad and is adamant that he get his time with Will. I'm hoping that after the first couple of weeks we can work on him bottle feeding at least once a day. They say you should wait four weeks but by then I may be a total mess?? Guess we'll have to see how it plays out.

Okay gotta get back to work - the days aren't long enough anymore!

(((HUGS)))

Weigh In

As of yesterday Baby Will weighs 3 pounds and 11 ounces. Everything is right on schedule with the exception of his nursery. I haven't gotten a thing done since my SIL left to go home....this baby will be here in less than 9 weeks and I'm dragging my feet on finishing stuff up. On top of nursery "to do's" I have holidays, birthdays, 2 showers, maternity pictures, football games and 2 classes at the hospital to take - all before Christmas! I'm starting to hyperventilate a little so I'm going to cut this short and bring the paper bag up to my mouth now........breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out.

(((HUGS)))

Quick Update and A Trip to the Doctor

A quick update – what’s been going on in my world?? Well Rich’s sister was in town for 2 weeks visiting. It was so nice to have her here but so sad to see her leave. Especially knowing that she is so sick……sometimes it’s difficult to understand why we are chosen to bear the crosses that we bear. She is such an amazing woman, wife, friend, mom, daughter, sister……it doesn’t seem fair. I have to say that she showed me what true strength is – WOW. She refuses to quit or lay down……she’ll fight with everything in, until the end. While Tracy (DH sister) was here, we had a small family baby shower. It was so much fun and getting to see everyone was such a great gift in itself. On top of that we got loads of presents, including our swing, pack and play, bouncer, blankets, baby monitor, money – the list goes on. It was just so much fun and so hard to believe that we have so many people who care about us! That was actually shower #2 as the girls at the gym got together and threw me a shower too. There we got diapers, clothes, blankets and toys……we are already on baby overload and we have 2 more showers to go! Baby Will will want for nothing, I’m sure.

In other news, things are going well in pregnancy land. I’m 29 and a half week – I can’t believe I’m almost ¾ of the way done! I don’t know what I gained at my last appointment because I wouldn’t look. I’ve been really enjoying being pregnant and I refuse to let a number steal the last little snippets of this time. Baby has been moving like a crazy man for the most part. Well except for last week when we had a little scare. I was sick with a sinus infection so I called the doctor’s office to try to get in. They asked how Will’s activity was and I told them that he hadn’t been moving much. At that point I was instructed to come straight to the doctor’s office – do not pass go, do not collect $200. I get there only to have to wait for an hour in the waiting room……I was freaking out at this point. That hour was pure torture but I finally got back in to the sonogram room and we found his heartbeat right away. He was really comfy because even when the tech shook my belly, Will wasn’t moving. He would do the occasional get out of my face movement but other than that – nothing. It wasn’t 3 hours later though and he was doing his usual gymnastics. I was so glad to know that he was okay….talk about relief. I did find out that he weighs 2lbs. 10oz. so far. This is right on target so things are going well.

Last thing – Will’s room is really coming along. We have all the furniture in, now Rich just has to assemble it. The cradle is almost done and it is beautiful! I still need to stencil the frogs and turtles on the wall but that is all that is lacking in the painting department….it won’t be long and we will have a nursery in our house for OUR baby!! I still can’t believe that I am finally having a baby……after all of the tears and trials our dream is coming true!

Okay enough dreaming – I have a budget meeting in 19 minutes that I have to make it to.

(((HUGS)))

Where Will currently sleeps and where he will sleep when he arrives...

First are belly pictures - please excuse my appearance......it was a LONG day! These pictures are at 26 weeks & 5 days - exactly 4 weeks since the last group was taken.

The last picture is a picture of the cradle that Will's grandpa is building for him. It is absolutely beautiful. I can't wait to be rocking a baby in it!!






Okay I really have to get to work now! (((HUGS)))

Picture Overload

So here are a few pictures of the nursery - before and after paint and chair railing. We still have to stencil in the frogs and lily pads but that won't be until my sister in law leaves from her visit. We did want to get some cheery paint and new lighting up though. That room was so dark before! Oh and after 5 hours my hubby got Will's dresser together. I felt really bad for him because they had drilled some of the pieces incorrectly so it was quite the frustrating ordeal for him but in the end it came out beautiful.

Oh and the pictures arent' that great - my camera was almost dead so the pics look a bit faded.









More pictures in the next post!

So this is probably stupid but I need advice

As everyone knows this is my first child but not my hubby's. Over the last few months, I've endured many mentions of "remember when Nathan was born". I've also listened to my husband tell me how we didn't need this or that because they didn't use it with Nathan - I finally had enough when we went to register and I broke down. I realize that he has done this before and I know that I'll never see the look on his face when he is presented with his first son......Will will be his second son - it won't be the spectacular miracle that it was for him the first time - we won't share that same wonder. That makes me sad but I'm dealing with it - I know that Rich will love Will with all of his heart but I also know that I will continue to endure the constant comparision of DH's first son to Will. Not just by my husband but also his parents.........I can live with that as long as Will doesn't ever feel like he is living in Nate's shadow.

Okay so on to my real problem - I have the option to deliver at 2 different hospitals that are right across the street from each other. One hospital is where Nathan was born and is where my doctor's office is. The other is a smaller hospital but has good care. The doctor delivers at both but would prefer that I deliver where his office is located for convenience sake. My issue is that I don't want to have to worry about whether my husband is thinking about his first wife and his first son the whole time I'm having Will. I guess I just want this experience to have some sort of uniqueness for us.......at least at a different hospital I won't have to hear "oh this is where we did this or that" or "do you remember when Nathan was born and we were here"........I want for once during this pregnancy for Rich and I to experience something completely "new" together - even if it is just a hospital room.

So is that stupid.......should I just opt for the hospital where my doc would prefer I deliver??

Survey says???

So in looking at diaper bags, which do you guys like best?? They lady that custom makes them can applique a number of animals in place of the airplane on the 1st bag. So we could get a frog or turtle or dinosaur if that is what we wanted. So what do you guys think???

26 Weeks....

Time seems to be flying by and I'm getting more nervous about being unprepared. Of course that is a fairly irrational thought because, trust me, we will be ready for Will's arrival. In fact, hubby and my dad are in the process of painting Will's room today....that will leave only the chair rail and stenciling to be done on the walls. Those things will be finished after Rich's sister leaves in a couple of weeks.

As for me physically, I'm feeling good most days. I'm starting to get really tired again but I'm not sleeping well. There is no comfortable position to get into for more than an hour or so. Oh not to mention the hundred bathroom trips that I have to make on a nightly basis. I'm thinking I'll be really used to this crazy no sleep thing by the time the baby gets here?

On a fun note, Baby Will moves a lot! In fact there have been a few times when I think he has actually tried to take out a rib or two. He must be a strong little boy...guess all that laziness and rest during the first 23-24 weeks helped him build big muscles? And for the record, this baby is just like his mommy - loves food! When I eat he goes crazy!

Speaking of food - I have my doctor's appt. in 2 weeks and I'm dreading the scale. Let's just say that 2 baby showers in one month is a bad idea! Too much cake!! I have finally purged my house of the evil devices but not by the modern practices like throwing it away - nope by much more traditional methods - like EATING it! But WOW it was good. Chocolate/Vanilla marble with strawberry filling and whipped cream icing.......now come on, who could say no to that?? So for the next two weeks I've got to step it up and get my butt back in gear. That means no less than 4 trips to the gym a week and no more sugar! I stocked up on apples and VitaTops.......they aren't marble cake with strawberry filling but they also aren't 500 calories a slice! The next shower is on the 28th of this month and I'm sooo excited about it. This one will have our families and my husband's sister from Boston. I can't wait to see everyone and just hang out. We kind of opted to do a really casual baby shower/lunch so that everyone can enjoy seeing Tracy (DH's sis) and rub the belly.

Okay guess I should get to work - I have pictures of the nursery before and hopefully today I'll have pictures of it painted......we are going with Cocoa Butter on the top of the walls and Big Sky on the bottom with a white chair rail seperating the 2. So think creamy sunshine yellow on the top and baby boy blue on the bottom. Of course then I have to go in and stencil in the lily pad/frogs and pussy willows. I hope it turns out well!

Talk to you all soon!!

(((HUGS)))

Good news, bad news & baby furniture....

Wow it's hard to believe that I have 108 days left until this little boy is due to arrive!! It just seems almost unbelievable that I'm over half way done......where does the time go??

Sorry for not updating sooner but things have been busy as usual. Between school, doctor visits, work and just the day to day grind I've been super busy.

Speaking of doctor visits - we went for our checkup and gestational diabetes test......the good news is I PASSED MY TEST!! No diabetes for me - thank you Lord! I think I had convinced myself that I had it because of my past issues so I was shocked when everything came back good. The bad news - I gained 10 pounds in a month!! I would have cried but there wasn't time. The nurse started hunting for Will's hearbeat and couldn't find it. This kid is stubborn! So she left to get the doctor and I was too worried to cry about something stupid like 10 pounds. I did talk to the doc about the gain because I've been eating super healthy and working out at least 4 times a week. He tells me I'm healthy and not to worry so much - I'm glad that he isn't yelling at me but I wish he could explain to me why I'm blowing up like this - his response is that some women gain faster than others......gee, aren't I a lucky girl! Other than that, Baby Will but I'm measuring a couple of weeks ahead. Seems that my uterus is tilted to the left so baby is all up on the left side and boy can I tell! You know my uterus is the size of a soccer ball - sorry if that is TMI but WOW!

One more thing - we were able to pick up Will's crib and dresser this weekend - I love it (pic is below).




(((HUGS)))

Pictures of Baby Will via my belly!

Here is the side profile of Baby Will at 22weeks and 5days. Oh and I didn't think it was possible after weighing almost 400 pounds but it is........what is possible you ask???? You CAN get NEW stretchmarks!!!



This is the front view - scary sight, huh?? I'm going as a pumpkin for Halloween!





I go for my gestational diabetes test on Friday so send some good thoughts my way. I know it's a little early but with my history he wanted to start testing early. Just keep your fingers crossed that I will pass! I'll update more on Friday!

(((HUGS)))

Why we thought our he was a she??

Hey guys - thanks so much for all the great comments on names. I never thought about the confusion on the middle name - thanks for pointing that out. We may have to rethink this name thing?? At least we have a few more months to decide.

I've had a couple people ask me why we were so convinced that this baby was a girl....honestly, I always pictured myself with a daughter, every dream that I've had has included a daughter and my hubby's siblings all have a boy and a girl so we just assumed that this would be a girl.

I wanted a daughter because I'm an only child and I know the incredible bond that I have with my mother but I also know how much of a daddy's girl I am. I also worry that with DH's son having such a special place in his grandparent's and dad's heart that this baby wouldn't be as loved if it was a boy (okay I'm still worried about that one a little). My stepSON (I hate using that word so I'm only using for clarification) is such a great kid and he and his dad are incredibly close - a lot of time I'm the tag along and feel left out - I'm just the lady in the kitchen making dinner so I was really hoping to have a little girl to kind of even the playing field. Of course all my friends with boys and girls tell me that their boys love them so much and they are totally devoted to their moms.......we'll see though, I have some stiff competition in my husband. He really is an incredible dad - it's one of the reasons that I fell in love with him.

Nursery Decor & Names

Hi all! Thank you all so much for your sweet comments on our baby boy. I have to say that the hubby and I are much better now that we have gotten used to the idea. It's funny how you plan out your life and never give a thought to the fact that it might not really turn out like that.......we just always planned to have a girl and to hear we were having a boy really threw us for a loop. We are great now and are excited that our little boy will be here in just a few months.

I didn't update on my weight gain because the gender news was much more important but I had gained 5 pounds. Much better than last time but geez - I'm going to spin classes, walking and even went hiking one day while camping. The doc isn't worried and just keeps telling me that some people are prone to gain more than others - I guess??? Speaking of spin classes, I'm not sure how much longer I can hang in there. The bike is getting more and more uncomfortable and I'm having a harder time fitting between the seat and the handlebars.....my goal is to make it 6 more weeks and then I'll probably have to give in and stick with walking :(

On to names - we are thinking of William Davis and calling him Davis. This is a family name and would honor my dad and my great grandfather. We've also thought of Lucas William and calling him Luke. Anybody have any other suggestions?? We aren't really in to trendy names so that cuts out a lot of the cutesy names that are popular right now. We also like Gavin, Aaron and Grant.......let me know what you think.

Last thing - here is our nursery decor - we're going to paint the top 3/4 of the wall a butter yellow and the bottom a soft blue. We're going to stamp lily pads and frogs on the bottom half and paint willow stalks on the yellow - to give it a "pond like" appearance. The hubby has been so great and he is willing to do anything that I ask of him - man I hope he stays like this after the baby gets here??? :-)





(((HUGS))) to all!!

Talk about the shock of my life!!

The hubby and I got to the doc's office fully expecting things to go just as we planned - we were going a beautiful, healthy baby girl around Christmas time. Well we got one part right - we got healthy but our baby is all BOY! We were both shocked, our families were shocked and I'd be lying if I didn't say that I cried a little. It's hard to think of never playing with dolls or painting toenails - I don't really know what to do with a boy and hubby and his son are so close that I already feel a little left out. Hubby was a bit sad too - he really wanted a little princess to twirl around and play with. Don't get me wrong - we are so thrilled that we are having a baby and I thank God everyday that he is healthy and strong. But this is it - this little boy completes our family so I will be the mother of a son rather than a daughter - not how I planned it out but perfect regardless.

So now I have to figure out a boy's name - I'm not joking when i say that we had a girl's name picked out, clothes, nursery stuff - all in girl.

For Matty (Get My Point)

This is soooo adorable - I can totally see Rosie parading around like a peacock!

Pink or Blue???

We'll know tomorrow morning - stay tuned for the BIG news!!

I am such an ungrateful wife.....

I can't believe that I forgot to post about my surprise that DH gave me!!! I'm awful because it was really, incredibly sweet. So I have been struggling with my appearance and the whole weight gain thing.....hubby tells me everyday that I'm beautiful but I feel fat and frumpy most of the time. Regular clothes don't fit and neither do maternity clothes - I mean, NO ONE told me that my excess skin was going to fill out aka my pannus. It's gross - really gross and I hate it....I love the bump that is growing up top but having 15 pounds of excess skin hanging is not a pretty sight - okay sorry - I've gone off on a Barbie tangent as usual.

So, I've been feeling pretty crummy. I go from feeling totally ugly to feeling completely undeserving of this pregnancy and guilty for not just basking in the glow of finally being pregnant. That coupled with swelling and fatigue has made me a bit teary for the most part. Well about 3 weeks ago I noticed a strange charge on the hubby's credit card - $160 to be exact. I called him and questioned it, to which he responded, I bought you a present. Now hubby occasionally brings flowers or a card but he isn't a real gift giver with the exception of birthdays, anniversary, christmas. I NEVER expected a gift from him. So he says it won't be ready for a week or so and I'm thinking dear god what has he done??? A week passes by and he is like a schoolboy. I get home from work and he has me sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Out he comes all sing songy and busting at the seams - I open my eyes and started crying immediately. He took my magazine cover and had it framed - it was beautiful and just that he thought of it meant so much to me. Of course then he starts telling me that the woman on that cover is the same person that is standing in front of him only now I'm more beautiful because I'm carrying our child - that he is so proud to be my husband......I can't remember all of it but it was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me - somedays I really love that guy!

Life Lessons on Losing and Love

I know that most of you may not want to read this – it isn’t about weight loss or exercise or food logs. This post is more for my own benefit – see I am at a place where I have never been. So many dreams are being fulfilled and I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. Some days I want to forget the struggle of infertility but then other days I think of how strong it has made both DH and I. This is the story of 1 day – 1 breakdown. It also happens to be the month before we found out we were pregnant……..this is the month that we decided maybe, just maybe it wasn’t going to happen for a while. In the span of one day I learned how to let go of a dream and begin the grieving process. I think I cried most of the day….no more like I screamed and wailed most of the day. I’m not an overly religious person but on that day I remember screaming in the parking lot at work – “GOD, WHY???” I told my mom that I felt cut off – like I was rattling the windows of Heaven without any answer…….I had spent months of my life begging and pleading for just one baby – just the experience of positive pregnancy test – just to see the tears in my husband’s eyes when I told him. Yet on this day (March 12th by the way) I felt like a failure – I felt broken both physically and emotionally. Let me kind of start from the beginning.

Rich and I had been trying for 20 months…..it doesn’t ever get easier and trust me, sex is no fun at that point. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Reading every book, website, article on the topic of PCOS and infertility. I had been on so many synthetic hormones that I couldn’t even keep up – my body was tired and bloated. This day – March 12th was to tell us if the hormones worked – if all my hard work and scheduled sex and hot flashes and weight gain had been worth anything. I go in get my sonogram – they don’t see any eggs – do a blood draw and promise to call that afternoon. They did call and I think all I heard was it didn’t work. I tried to hold it together but the tears came like a flood. I ran from my office and looked for safety in the parking lot – of course my boss comes out at that moment and asks what is going on. I couldn’t share this with him – no one could understand my grief. I tried to calm myself and called the hubby. He was, of course, supportive and sympathetic but he had been struggling with the fact that what we had then was no longer enough. He took my want to have a baby as a slight to him – like he wasn’t enough. We had a huge fight that night and I remember just begging him to leave me alone in my sorrow – I called my mom and for the first time since I heard the news I found comfort. I felt guilty that my husband couldn’t comfort me but I just needed my mom. Rich came in later and we talked – I told him that I felt so alone and scared – I was confused and because I had grown up religious I felt like I was being punished. My husband is not religious so he doesn’t understand that aspect of my heart. I explained to him that I just needed someone to love me and pray for me – I didn’t fault him for not being that person but I knew that he wasn’t. It was a great conversation and a traumatic day – one that I can’t/won’t ever forget – one that makes me cry even now as I type this.

The beautiful ending to this story is that the next month we found out that we were pregnant – totally unexpected too. The night that we found out that a baby was coming, my husband looked at me and said the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. He told me that he prayed for me……..in that moment I understood what lessons I needed to learn through this experience……I realized how much stronger my marriage was and I knew that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.

So all of that being said – if you got this far, I’m sorry. Again, this was more for my own benefit – I don’t want to ever forget the struggles that brought us to this place – I want to always be thankful for the hardships, lessons, love and blessings that I have been given.

Not sure how to deal with this....opinions please

So I have received a few rude comments from those that I work with....my favorite is probably, "your hips are getting wide" or the "are you having twins??" comments. I'm not kidding when i say that I get at least 2 comments a day - 2 RUDE comments a day. Now I realize that I have been at my job for almost 9 years and so everyone and their mom knows that I'm pregnant. Most people also know that I used to weigh 385 pounds and lost weight but does that give them the right to make random, rude comments?? I love being pregnant (for the most part) and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but i would be lying if I said that I didn't have a meltdown at the doc's office on Friday when I stepped on the scale. Weight gain is rough - I know it's necessary but it doesn't change the games that it plays with my head. That being said - I have come up with a few responses to the rude comments.....please leave a comment if you can think of any other good zingers to throw back at these people.

At least I’m pregnant – what’s your excuse?

I’m having a big bad boy who will come kick your ass when he’s older!

As a matter of fact, I’m having triplets so I look pretty damn good then!

I’m putting my baby up for adoption and would rather not discuss my current state (that’ll make ‘em feel bad!)

Now I want to say THANK YOU for all your comments - they made me cry on a really rough day. Like I said - Friday was not a good day. First I had to stand on the scale and see that I had gained 13 pounds in 4 weeks - the doc swears that there is no way?? I honestly haven't changed my eating from the last appointment but I haven't been exercising as much so maybe that is it?? I've also been swelling really badly so I'm thinking some of it might be water?? So yeah, I freaked out and cried and cried and cried. My poor hubby.......then the doc came in and they had a really hard time finding the heartbeat.....the longest 5 minutes of my life. That helped put the weight gain in perspective but after that appointment I was pretty wiped out. Your comments really helped me smile and made me feel so much better about myself so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!

(((HUGS)))

Belly Pics

So after much procrastination here are some belly pics! The first 2 are at 15 weeks and the last 2 are at 11 weeks.......can you say whoa belly!!

So I've been a bad blogger

I know that I've been gone for what seems like forever but I feel like the days aren't long enough anymore! I do have pictures and even got the software installed on my computer but didn't bring the right cables to work so I'm going to try to post them tomorrow. Not that I'm dying to post pictures of my growing belly but bloggers everywhere wanna know - LOL!

So let me kind of bullet point the last few weeks of my life - here goes:

1. I will be 16 weeks pregnant, tomorrow! I can't believe how quickly it seems to be moving but at the same time it seems to move at a snails pace. You know those times when you get up 5 times a night to pee, your tailbone hurts if you sit down and your feet swell if you stand??? Yeah, those times make it seem like an eternity but the rest of the time has been smooth sailing.

2. Swelling - ummmmm, yeah. That's pretty nasty by the end of the day. I've always been prone to it but with the heat and pregnancy.........let's just say I resemble a marshmallow at the end of the day - not pretty!

3. No real cravings other than cereal and milk. Oh and the occassional want of chinese food but really nothing crazy yet. I feel like I've done well this month with weight gain but we'll see come Friday when I go to the doctor's office. I did have my blood glucose checked at my last appointment and they said it was perfect - yay!!

4. I wish I could give a glowing gym report but in all honesty, I suck right now. I'm tired and always have so much going on. I haven't had a free weekend since we moved and the 2 Saturday mornings when I did - I slept late.......I have to get back in the groove. I miss it for the most part and I know I will feel better if I "JUST DO IT"!

5. We are moved and the Summer is in full swing - the kiddo is driving me crazy with all of his activities and the hubby's work schedule has been completely out of whack. Oh, and I seriously need a vacation!!

So that is it in a nutshell. There a thousand other boring details that I could give you a report of but I'll spare everyone. Oh, one last thing - I do have a blog for jellybean where I update on pregnancy stuff (not that I've done that lately either!) so if you want to stop in you can - the site is journeyofajellybean.blogspot.com

Okay - I'm off to catch up and update the other site.

(((HUGS)))

After 16 hours it's over!

Okay gotta be fast since I'm surrounded by boxes and I should really be unpacking. I just wanted to let everyone that we are moved.......well most of the way. The poor hubby spent all day and I mean 16 hours kind of all day, moving us. It was hot and we were exhausted but for the most part we are in! Now to finish out the week of repairs on the old house, cleaning the old house and a few odd jobs - then we are officially closing on the cracker jack box next Monday. Who would have thought that in the span of 6 weeks I would find out that I'm pregnant, sell 2 houses, buy a house and move the in-laws and my family.........and ALL in the first trimester when I basically felt like crap the whole time.

So on to fun stuff - the doctor's appointment went great. We have ONE very healthy baby with a heartbeat of 166 bpm. He/she was squirming all over and appeared to be pretty happy to be on camera. Oh and I only gained 4 pounds in 5 weeks. So that brings me to 12 freakin pounds in 12 weeks but I'm just glad that it wasn't 8 like my first appt. The doc came in and said my weight was great and all looked wonderful so what more could I ask for. Well, as soon as we were done I was asking for FOOD. I was starved so I had hubby stop for food - that probably blew my good gain out the window but I figure I have 4 weeks to be good so I could afford 1 splurge. Unfortunately, 1 splurge turned into 5 days worth........not bad but not great and more chips and salsa than I care to talk about. But today I'm back in the groove - it's amazing how much being out of a routine can throw you off.

Okay gotta sign off and get some stuff unpacked - I need clean clothes for work tomorrow and I've got no idea what box they are in........oh the joys of moving!

HUGS to all of you and I promise to catch up soon!

This is so me!

Just breathe....

So tomorrow begins the big event - we close on our new house tomorrow at 11:00 a.m. Then Friday is our ultrasound and then the move starts. I'm not sure how I'm going to get everything accomplished but it will get done one way or the other. I'm hoping by Tuesday of next week to be all in one house and weeding through boxes......crossing my fingers.

A couple of things to note - I have gotten back into my spin class on Saturday morning and Monday evening. Talk about a butt whipping! I feel great afterwards but I'm usually pooped.

In spite of my workouts I still seem to be putting on weight at an alarming rate. Now I know I'm OCD but I'm talking 8 to 10 pounds since my last visit (4 weeks ago). Somehow that does not seem normal to me. I'm a little concerned because the doc let me drop the blood sugar meds and now I'm freaking out about gestational diabetes. I'm trying to watch the carb intake some.........I've been eating way too much cereal and watermelon and brownie mix and bread.......hmmmm, come to think of it maybe that would explain my weight gain??? On a more exciting note - I'm finally looking pregnant rather than fat. In fact, a kid at the grocery store the other day actually asked me if I was having a boy or a girl.......I didn't tell him that it was too early to tell. I actually have some pictures from Sunday (11 weeks) that I need to post. Of course my incredibly empathetic hubby decides to pose me in front of the fridge saying "that is where the best lighting is".....yeah right, calling BS on that!

We also have our ultrasound on Friday so they should confirm 1 baby and take some measurements. I'm excited to hear a heartbeat and actually get some good pictures - the first one was just kind of a blob floating around black goo.........although I was incredibly thankful that our "blob" aka jellybean had a nice fluttering heartbeat!

I'll keep you all updated and until then {{{HUGS}}}

I hope our baby has his butt....

Because if he or she doesn't - I'm not going to be able to get this kid out! Is it humanly possible to carry a baby in your backside??? I have gone from "some" junk in the trunk to SALLY the FREAKIN' CAMEL. I realize what is causing this and I wish that I could honestly blame it on being pregnant but the truth is I have been abducted by aliens. Aliens that only serve cereal and milk - oh and dry brownie mix. Yes, I've been eating it by the spoonful out of the box.......not the cereal but the brownie mix! Classy, huh?? I do great during the day but about 7:00 I turn into a maniac......it's that classic boredom eating and it's a bad habit. I'm hoping with the move I will get so busy in the evenings that I won't have time to graze?? I guess we will see how bad the damage is next Friday - my next doctor's appt. I get there and get that same sweaty palm, heart racing feeling that I got when I was overweight and had to go to the doctor......dreading the scale the whole way! Other than being pregnant, selling a house, buying a house and having a sleepover with 6 little boys this weekend there isn't much going on.......LOL!

Hugs to all of you......love Sally the Camel and jellybean~

Heal the wound but leave the scar

That is the title of a song that I heard this morning - needless to say I was crying by the time I got to the office! That phrase resonates so much truth in so many areas of my life - the first of these scars would be the obvious infertility - God only knows what this does to a woman, a wife, a husband, a marriage. It can truly make or break you and I think DH and I experienced a bit of both. I will forever bare the scars of infertility. Those scars are both good and bad - I will appreciate every moment of this pregnancy where others might not but I may always carry around a secret bit of bitterness at those who take the miracle of pregnancy for granted?

The real wounds and scars that I carry are those from the past and being overweight. So many times I have wondered why I couldn't just forget the fat girl, leave her behind and pretend that she never existed. I didn't want to remember drowning my sorrows in a double whopper with cheese and a large fry. I didn't want to remember being teased without mercy or worse than that, being invisible. Some days I want to pretend that I got asked out and had boyfriend and that people liked me. I want to pretend that I shopped in regular stores and wore cute clothes but those are all figments of my imagination. I never had those experiences. I spent the first 25 years of my life trapped inside a fat suit and slowly medicating myself with food. I never dealt with anything.

Since the weight loss I have spent agonizing hours trying to erase the past and morph into a different person. I have gone through phases of bitterness at how I was treated by society. I have looked in the mirror with self loathing at the skin and stretch marks. But today I realized that the hurt I still carry around is the wound......that needs to heal. I also realized that I don't want to lose who I was when I was overweight because that girl was still Stephanie. Part of who I am now is part of who I was then.

Losing weight has taught me so much about myself. Erasing that from my past would mean erasing all of the lessons that I have learned. The good ones like learning to trust myself, learning to love myself and learning what Stephanie really wanted. It also made me appreciate all that my body has done for me. I never want to forget where I came from or who I was.......I could stand to leave the pannus behind but the rest of it can stay!

Need some help from my techy friends

I desperately need a new blogroll thing but of course this barbie is blogger challeneged. Anyone have an idea on how to create a new blog list??

Thanks!

Week 9 and I still just look fat!

Yep - I still just appears to have huge boobs and a wobbly belly......not that I didn't have a wobbly belly before but at least I could blame it on skin rather than cookies and chocolate! On a happy note my boobs have gone from a 34A to a solid 36C in about 4 weeks........now if only I didn't have to roll them up and tuck them in to make them look semi-normal??!!

As for cravings - I spoke too soon. My complaints about watermelon and salsa are gone......now I'm craving chocolate and cookies and brownies and CRAP! Oh and don't forget cereal........I could eat cereal 6 times a day and not get sick of it. I do have to admit I am only allowing myself to eat puffed wheat which is pretty easy on the calorie bank (60 calories a cup). It is the most bizarre thing to find myself at the mercy of Captain Crunch and Betty Crocker......I mean what happened to my willpower - my drive - my determination. Ummmm, I got pregnant and tired I guess???

I am rather proud of the fact that I hauled my butt out of bed on Saturday morning for a spin class. I was afraid. Oh who am I kidding, I was freaking terrified!! I just knew that I wouldn't make it through the class without falling over but I did it. The last 20 minutes I had to slow down but I was busting it for the first 40 minutes. And I have discovered that it is true....it doesn't take long for your body to lose it's ability to exercise effectively.....my butt is still sore today!

Candace asked how the son and family reacted to the news that we were pregnant......well my mother freaked out - I'm talking crying, shrieking in the middle of her office. It was priceless. My dad hasn't wiped the smile off his face yet and he calls just about everyday to check on Jellybean and JM (Jellybean's Mom - that's me). Our son was excited but he's a boy so it was short lived and pretty much shadowed by the fact that his buddy was at the door wanting to shoot hoops. Really everyone has been so happy and so excited. We are so blessed to have such supportive family and friends.

Oh and guess what!!!!! We sold our house!! After 6 LONG months on the market we sold it and just in time......we can now close on our old house 11 days after we move into the new house. That is such a huge weight off my shoulders and I can't wait to be settled in and unpacked so I can concentrate on decorating. Not to mention I'm going to go from commuting 105 miles a day to 45 miles a day - my baby will know who it's mommy is!

Guess I should run and get some work done.......then home to pack - can I count that as cardio??

How I Have Changed

This post isn't just about the most recent pregnancy changes but more "how I have changed" over the last few years - in essence, the impression that weight loss, infertility and finally pregnancy has left on me. Man that is mouthfull - talk about a lot of baggage to be carrying around!

Hmmmm, where to start - weight loss brought about a new image of myself. In some cases almost a more distorted image of myself. I had always been the fat girl and I was comfortable with that. I didn't say HAPPY but I was comfortable. I knew how to protect myself from snide comments and the sneers. I knew how to dress in black to appear slimmer (haha - that's a joke!). I knew how to disguise my ability to eat 2 double whoppers and a large fry by eating a light dinner with family and then heading to the drive thru. I knew these things and then came weight loss. It was scary and meant dealing with a lot of demons that I had pushed down for most of my life. It was a challenge and as I realized that I could climb those mountains I began setting my sights higher and higher. Did I ever reach the top of my "weight loss mountain". Did I ever plant my flag at the crest and take in the beautiful valleys that I had come through??? I honestly can't answer that because I still looked in the mirror and saw things I didn't like. I saw stretch marks and saggy skin - OH and saggy boobs too! But I was healthy and happy and in love with a wonderful man. I went from being the fat friend to being the amazing shrinking woman and my identity began to change - I began to be known by people only as thin and healthy. In fact, there are people who never knew me fat.......huh, what???

Fast forward a few years - I'm in the middle of marriage and work and kids and cats and life in general. Living a life that I never dreamed I would have because I had kind of chalked up my future to being the crazy cat lady. So hubby and I are trucking along in life...throwing around the idea of having a baby. We had already waited a couple of years because it was important to us to let the newness of our marriage settle in, especially because my husband was raising a son from a previous marriage. We just assumed that having a baby would be easy......I mean every time you turn on the news you see headlines of some teenage girl giving birth and abandoning her baby.....surely a stable, loving, mature couple could get pregnant. WRONG - the first few months we got the usual "let the pill get out of your system" speech. After that it was "relax and have fun with it". Everyone had there own piece of advice and though I'm sure they all meant well, no one can understand the heartbreak that takes place month after month. Finally after being referred to Reproductive Endocrinologist was I able to get some answers. PCOS with insulin resistance.......I had no idea really what that was or what it meant to my fertility. I did know that it meant drugs and the doctor warned me in advance that those drugs caused weight gain. I thought at first it would be no big deal but after 21 months of "no big deals" I was basically spent. I had given up hope and put on 15-20 pounds. I was raw emotionally and a shell of the fat and skinny girl that I had once been. Infertility had left a brand on my heart - I will never be the same. Not only have I changed physically but emotionally I have travelled so far. I have learned the true depth of my husband's love, I have learned that life is too short to spend every minute of every day obsessing about eating exactly 1500 calories while tempering that with 325 calories burned in exercise. I've learned that there are some spaces that are in us that can only be filled by something specific - you can't substitute those holes with other things - food does not fill a void nor does it ease the longing for a child.

Fast forward one more time to Pregnant Barbie - WOW - I thought I would never say that! Again I have learned so much about myself......I am no longer my own person but I belong to someone that I've never met. I have fallen in love with my husband over again, every single day. I have fallen in love with this baby in spite of the fatigue and spreading hips. I find myself no longer looking at being thin or fat but at being a healthy mother who has a healthy baby. Everytime I go to the gym (when I can muster up the energy right now) I think about how good the exercise is for the baby.......5 weeks ago I agonized over heartrates and calories burned. I wouldn't eat an apple because of the carbs. Things are so different now - I have a true sense of peace regarding who I am. This is something I have never had - it is a little foreign to me. With that sense of belonging and peace comes my ability to become lazy too! Yep, that's the downside. I'm not nearly as driven right now. I'm not trying to be the next Top Model but I do want to be healthy and pizza, chocolate cupcakes and NO exercise does not equal healthy. There has to be a balance and I am out to find it.

I guess my whole point in putting this down was just to see how life changes. Sometimes we have no idea how things from our past will affect our future - we aren't able to see the big picture - we don't know how the cards will play out. All we can know is to keep moving forward, keep hoping, keep striving, keep believing. If we can do those things then maybe our miracle, whatever it is for us personally, will come forth???

(((HUGS)))

Get your hands of my melons!!!

Watermelons that is......lately I have craving watermelon like a mad woman so I've been buying one every couple of days and that's been lunch and snacks. Well the over the weekend I was out of town and I had packed my watermelon for the trip......a girl should never leave home without them! I walk in the kitchen of the condo and spy my nephew eyeing my snack - I hate to admit it but I turned into a lunatic......the kid had never seen anyone react so dramatically to watermelon before. He kept saying, "I was only looking".......I felt bad for a second and then blamed on pregnancy hormones - LOL!

On other notes....life is hectic as always. Looks like we may be making an offer on a new house - YAY baby won't have to sleep in the bathtub now! The only hitch is that we still haven't sold our current house soooooooo we may be making 2 mortgage payments for a bit. Can you say stress with a capital S??

As for the baby front, we are rolling right along at about 7 weeks and 2 days. Still having some bloating and still really tired but other than that I have been blessed with very little morning sickness. Oh and thank goodness for the Swizzle's May exercise challenge - thanks to that I'm getting a few workouts a week in. Not stellar but better than nothing.

I wish I could say something fantastic about health and exercise but right now I'm pretty much addicted to watermelon and salsa (not together) and somehow I'm thinking that is not what WW has in mind for the 8 healthy guidelines! With all the crazy stuff going on right now I'm trying to keep up with everyone - so if I missed something important can someone please smack me up side the head and let me know who is up to what??

You girls are so incredible - amazing and I feel so blessed to know each of you!

(((HUGS)))

The Count

The long awaited results are in - we have ONE very healthy little baby with a beating heart!! Hubby and I are ecstatic that everything is good and hubby is really happy that it is only one! According to sonogram I am due on December 28, 2008 so it appears that I actually ovulated a little late. The fertility doc released me and I have my first appointment with my new OB doc next Thursday. I just can't believe that we are finally here and that everything is good.......I honestly thought it might never happen.

Thank you all for your support, thoughts, prayers, comments........I wouldn't have survived without all of you! Of course, I can't be on a "diet" during pregnancy but I refuse to blow up - it really is important to me to mantain my good health and physical activity so don't fear - Barbie will still be around - I'll just be in tow with a baby!!

HUGS from Barbie and ONE baby!!

We will have the official baby count by the end of today!

So the doctor's office called and moved my appointment from Friday to TODAY - seems that the doctor got invited to speak at some large convention so he was having to reschedule.........I am sooooo excited but soooo nervous. I will report back as soon as the tallying is done - LOL. Truth be told - I would almost enjoy twins but shhhhh.....don't tell my husband!!

(((HUGS)))

So incredibly thankful

I am honestly at a loss for words. I was reading some blogs of other women that are struggling with infertility due to PCOS and I realize that I am so blessed - not that I didn't know that before but there are women everywhere who are experiencing years and years of infertility with no positive results. DH and I went through almost 2 years of agony and pain. Some months I would cry for days because I just couldn't understand why it wasn't happening for us....now it has happened, I'm pregnant and of course, paranoid. Am I doing the right things, am I doing too much, am I gaining too much or eating enough........acckkk - it's a whole new set of rules over here - LOL!

In reality the only changes that I've noticed are my boobies - they are growing like crazy and TRUST ME - I'm not complaining! I've had little morning sickness, the fatigue can get a little rough but it's not unbearable. I just feel so blessed to be able to have this experience when I had almost given up hope of ever being pregnant. Sorry to ramble on but I just needed to make my thankfulness known.......now the countdown to see our precious miracle/s begins - 4 more days!!

Hungry Girl Cookbook Review

I went out and bought this book with the hopes that it would be full of super easy, super good food swaps and I was right!! This book is really great - it's fun, easy to read through, has great recipes and great tips. If you haven't checked out here site you can at www.hungry-girl.com - you can also view the recipes titles that are included in the book by going to http://book.hungry-girl.com/. She lists all the nutritionals in the book and the points are listed on the site. It really is a great purchase for those of us trying to eat healthy and enjoy our food!

Just wanted to pass it on......it's a keeper!

Oh Baby

So I had my last blood draw yesterday and it appears that everything is progessing fine. Other than being really tired and feeling really bloated all is well. I'm going to work hard at trying to get back into the groove of hitting the gym....it's just been so hard with the fatigue. I actually went and hit the elliptical for half an hour the other day and almost passed out. Come to find out the a/c was broken......no wonder I was so hot.

I do have a question for any pregnant women or mommies out there - how soon was it before you were growing out of your clothes?? OMG - I'm not exagerrating when I say that NOTHING fits anymore. My 6's are long gone and my 8's are laying on top of the clothes heap too. It freaks me out a bit because I don't think the fact that "I am pregnant" has actually sank in and I'm gaining weight. Some of it is water retention because my fingers and legs are puffy but geez!! I also have been STARVING - crazy hungry - the hubby keeps laughing at me because I'm eating so much cauliflower and fruit.....can't help it though. My belly always seems to be growling!

I need to catch up with everyone and promise to work on that - I've been sleeping just about every spare minute that I have lately.....another really unusual thing for me. Oh btw - we have our sonogram next Friday to count babies - LOL - my doctor thinks that is a funny joke.......I'm beginning to wonder though with my growing belly???

Gotta get back to work - (((HUGS))) to you all!

A Barbie Baby.........what???!!!

My head is still spinning and my feet haven't touched the ground yet - after my doctor saga and disappearing ovary, I received a call from Dr. K's office with the results of my pregnancy test - I wasn't expecting much and almost didn't answer the phone. I'm glad that I answered the phone - I got the most life changing news of my life - I'm PREGNANT!!! Oh my goodness, after 21 months of tears, heartache, negative results, hormones, swelling and we are finally here! I've been back for a second beta test and my levels are doubling so I'll have one more blood test to check my levels and then a sonogram in a few weeks to see "how many are in there" (that is according to Dr. K). I'm feeling good with the exception of being very very very tired. I'm saying that some of that is from being sick and not sleeping and then I'm sure some of it is pregnancy related. Pregnancy related - wow - I just can't believe it still. I am pregnant - the weight of those words just amazes me - they are miraculous and life changing - in a single breath, with 2 words - my dream came true!

Funny thing is - DH and I didn't do so great at hitting it in March. We just couldn't seem to get a schedule down and I think we were both tired of the whole routine. Then of course I took 2 tests at home before I even went to the doctor - they were both negative??? I guess it just proves that things work out in the perfect time!

BTW - looks like we will be having a Christmas baby according to Dr. K - that is totally confirmed yet but that is his guess. Gotta get back to work........I've been pretty much MIA around here for the last few days!

(((HUGS))) from Barbie and Baby!

Bedrest = No Exercise = Freaking Out

Hello......hope all is well with everyone. I'm sure that from the title of my post you all are assuming that I'm sick - well not quite. I actually had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and has leaked fluid into peritoneum cavity behind my uterus. I also have an ovary that is currently twisting and playing hide and go seek sooooo......after a night of intense pain I went to see the fertility doctor (assuming I was just being a big baby and he would send me home with a "suck it up" talk) - he started the ultrasound and saw the fluid pretty quickly - he began searching for my left ovary and after half an hour of excruciating pain - he gave up finding it - thus leading him to diagnose the "twisting". In a nutshell, I'm not allowed to exercise or do anything streneous and should be in bed (I'm not a lay around kind of person though) for at least a few days. If I'm not better by then, it will be another sonogram and potential surgery to realign my ovary - bleh! I'm okay other than moving slow and feeling a bit sluggish (courtesy of pain meds) - I'm aching and crampy but overall it is getting better. Now my only issue is not being able to exercise.......couple that with incredible swelling due to progesterone and I feel like a beach ball - my pants will barely button and they are the biggest pair I own. I'm craving chocolate like mad and I'm incredibly hormonal. That is something that I have to say for exercise - it really does lift my spirits and elminate some of my stress........right now is when I need that release the most.

I am going to "try" to take it easy but there will be no scales or measuring tapes in my future for the next few days - I gotta get over this hump before I totally warp my brain! Hope everyone else is doing good - I'm going to try to catch up some in the evenings since I can't work out now!

HUGS and say a prayer for me, if you can!

Mr. Scale is showing me some lovin'!!

Just had to report to all my buddies that I am down 7 pounds over the last 2 weeks.....I am soooo excited and feeling like my mojo is back! Maybe mixing up the exercise and actually paying attention to what I'm shoveling in my face is working??? Now only 10 more to go!

NO NO & NO

Hmmmmm, NO just about sums up my week. NO you're not pregnant, NO you cannot have one spare minute to yourself and NO you cannot pretend that your size 6 pants fit anymore! On a more positive note, even through my insane schedule I have managed to hit the gym - even if it is in small segments - something is better than nothing right?? I have also managed to come to grips with the fact that my weight gain is partly due to my insane ability to shovel food in my piehole! Good heavens - when I finally really started paying attention and being conscious of what I was doing, it was frightening. This is just proof my fellow Barbie's - it is possible to gain weight through bites, licks, tastes and too much "free" food (as in zero point for the weight watchers). I have licked my way to an extra 15 pounds!

On a much more desirable note - I found a new sugar free Jello pudding that is to DIE for!! OH MY GOODNESS - it is "Dark Chocolate" and it is amazing. I put a cup in the freezer for a few hours, took it out and popped it in the microwave for about 20 seconds.........it tasted just like the inside of a truffle!! WOW - you gotta try it, especially if you have major chocolate cravings.

Last theory that I have been able to prove true - if you are hitting a lull in weight loss you may need to switch up your routine. I can't believe what a difference I get on the elliptical machine. I am such a creature of habit so I am really proud of the fact that I am making myself do something a little out of my comfort zone! Yeah me!

Okay gotta get back to work - I also need to catch up with everyone.....sorry for my absence lately - there just never seems to be a dull moment!

HUGS

Updates Galore....

Okay not so much but I do have a zillion things that I need to post about.....most of them are about crappy eating habits, the horrors of fertility drugs and my butt whipping in the gym - for now I'll just sum it up by saying - I've slipped into bad eating habits but I'm working hard to change that........now how successful am I, every day is different but for today I'm going to kick butt. On to the wonderful world of infertility........hmmm.....the drugs have caused my ovaries to be enlarged, I've gained 15 to 20 pounds depending on water weight and basically am a hormonal mess but damnit I ovulated last month!!! WOOHOO - I swear you couldn't have offered me a better gift other than maybe a pregnancy!

On to workouts - I have realized that to burn 500 calories in an hour.....you have to work freaking hard!!! I'm talking sweating, panting and basically disgusting smelling.....I can't believe that it is that hard to get my heartrate up to 80%.......I'm either just a whimp or out of shape??? It was a bit disheartening to realize that maybe, just maybe I didn't want to have to work like that??? I did find a happy medium in the fact that I'm hitting the elliptical machine a few times a week for about half an hour - I can burn about 300 calories on that sucker and I feel good about the work that I'm doing - 30 minutes = 300 calories is worth it for the diet....spin class 2 to 3x a week for 500 calories is worth it for my sanity. This mix also keeps things changed up a bit so I'm hoping that the scale will start to head back down soon......it amazes me that I can be busting my lower body in workouts and I'm now developing saddlebags......WTH?? My mom swears that the hormones are causing me to gain "mommy weight" aka hips and butt - I on the other hand just think I'm shaped like an overgrown, inbred pear??!

Sorry for not doing better at commenting and updating. Things have been so crazy for me lately. Work never ends and recently I have been trying to work through some past relationship issues. I had a falling out of sorts with a few close friends, a few years ago. Some of the drama was my fault and some was theirs but in the end I needed to make peace with the situation so after many days of agony and reflection I wrote apology letters. They were very receptive and although we will probably never be friends again, I am relieved to know that they don't hate me now. So that is my story in a nutshell. I'm going to try to catch up with everyone over the next few days so be looking for me!!

HUGS

So How the Heck is Barbie???

Greetings from barbieville! Wish that I had something ultra exciting to post but not really. A NSV - I have mastered the art of getting my heart rate up to 80%.....I would love to say that it is impossible to do but in reality - I just have to suck it up and work harder to get it up to 80%.

Other exciting news.........hmmmm, not much really. Eating has been less than perfect and I'm still struggling with the eating because out of habit or because I should.......2 nights in a row I've eaten dinner when I wasn't really hungry. Why you ask??? Because I worked out and technically I "should" eat after a workout like that.......geez! The sad thing is that I have no excuses - I know better - I know how to play the game but lately I've been trying skate by......this philosophy doesn't work and just leads to more insanity for me. So let me just lay out all my "rational" justifications for overeating and eating when I'm not hungry........maybe I will continue to read these reasons and I'll actually see how absurd they are?? So here goes:

1. I had a really vigorous workout and need to fuel my body
2. I'm frustrated with the fertility gods and all this medicine
3. Speaking of medicine - that is what is causing these extra pounds
4. I can't sleep
5. Gotta eat to prep for pregnancy
6. I'm sad
7. I'm bored

I could go on and on but I'll spare you.....the truth of the matter is that I've fallen into bad habits again. What is a habit my fellow Barbie's??? A habit is a learned behavior SO if I learned this bad behavior then I can learn a good behavior to replace it, right?? RIGHT! Now if I could only find the willpower to actually do it......okay I'm off to search for my motivation!

(((HUGS)))

Frustration with my heartrate!

First let me apologize for being MIA lately. Things just never seem to slow down and when they do it is usually at bedtime and I'm barely coherent enough to think. In any event, all is well in Barbie land......I guess?? Still have a squirrel lose inthe house, still trying to have a baby barbie and still plugging along with my diet/exercise routine. I must admit that I have really been trying to recognize true hunger and only eat when I am in that place - I'm not doing half bad at it and I'm proud of the progress that I've made over the last week.

So on to my heartrate saga - I bought a heartrate monitor which confirmed what the doctor had already told me - I have a low resting heartrate - like 55 BPM - a normal woman of my age should be at about 70 - 75 BPM. Okay, no big deal, doc says that it's a good sign. Well it's only a good sign if you aren't concerned about calories burned during a workout! What I mean is that I can't get my heartrate up past 150......it is insane. Last night I puked in the middle of spin class - I'm not kidding when I say that I thought I was going to pass out and how many calories did I burn 475 - now that isn't anything to complain about but when others in the class who are my size and are athletic are burning 750 to 900 - it makes you a little pissy!! Not to mention, I'm afraid to push myself any harder during a workout but I need to get my heartrate into the 160's to be exercising at 80%

Does anyone have any ideas???

I'm GREAT....

Okay on to good things:

I have a wonderful husband who adores me completely and thinks I am beautiful and sexy just how I am.
I have a great son who makes straight A's and really cares about others.
I have wonderful family support and a mom who is totally my best friend
I have great friends, family, gym buddies
I am strong and I have overcome so much - I am a beautiful person inside AND out!
I am smart, independent, funny and I freakin LOST 245 pounds, something I NEVER thought possible!

So........now it's your turn to list the good things.

Old McBarbie Had A Farm.......

Well actually I'm not sure if you could consider "random squirrel sighting" amongst my living room furniture as a farm or not??? All I know is that some squirrel has spread the word that the Barbie Casa is the happening place to be! I'm not lying when I say that I have had 3 - count them 3 - squirrels appear in my living room. How you ask??? Well basically one squirrel fell down in the wall (12 foot drop) and the hubby had to cut a hole at the bottom to free him.....nothing sounds worse than the screams of a dying squirrel! So since Tuesday the squirrels have evidently been parachuting down the wall and escaping through the hole - holy crap! My cats are freaking out and basically my whole house has been in chaos........I'm really hoping that the husband gets out his handy dandy hammer and repairs that hole tonight??!

The only bright spot about having squirrels lose in the house is the comedic relief that present as the husband and son run circles around the living room with blankets in hand, in an effort to catch the things. I think they are both terrified though they would never admit it - at any rate, it's a pretty funny thing......maybe I should record it and put it on U Tube??

So I was reading ANNA's blog and came across her post about the "NO DIET" diet - it hit home with me only because I am the proud owner of a dozen books on intuitive eating so I pretty much know the drill. I also KNOW how to make this work; however, rarely practice these techniques. More often than not I eat way too much and feel like a bloated whale - then of course there is are the few BLT's that I have along the way to my beach where I am harpooned by the evening meal. All of this together equals disaster and I have the extra 10 okay 15 pounds to prove it. I'm not discounting all of my work in the gym but come on - I know that I didn't gain 15 pounds of muscle - if I had my pants wouldn't be this tight! So as of today, right now I am vowing to pull my head out and get it together. I have really been making huge strides in the "control" department and have let go of some of my crazy obsessive tendencies. I am trying so hard to focus on positive things and remembering that there is a perfect time - you know patience. With all of my prioritizing it's time for me to finally be done with this last piece of the puzzle - so rather than focusing how unhappy I am with my weight/appearance I'm going to focus on the good things that I have going for me - not to mention - even 15 pounds ago I wanted to lose weight and I was unhappy with my appearance. Really, are we ever happy or satisfied - isn't there something that we ALWAYS think should be changed?? I'm using my next post to put up my list...stay tuned.

Barbies and Babies....

I wish that I was posting some crazy, miracle of a story telling everyone that I'm preggo but that isn't the case.......I'm okay with that - not because I want to be but because I have to be! I want to thank everyone who left me a comment.......WOW! I can't begin to tell you how much each one meant to me and how it really lifted my spirits! Tuesday and Wednesday of last week were tough days - I was very emotional and the husband had a hard time dealing with my emotions. It was just a rough few days. In the end it all worked out - I found peace, like I knew I would, and the husband and I made up. I finished up the awful progesterone and I really believe that someone was watching over me this go round because the swelling overall horrible feelings weren't as bad as usual.....we are on to bigger and better things and I'm just waiting on God's timing and every day I'm learning to be more patient with this situation. I got to thinking the other day that patience is one thing I should have learned from my weight loss journey - patience and perserverance.....guess I still have a lot to learn!

So on to the birthing baby part - on Friday night, after what I would consider to be one of the roughest weeks in recent memory, my best friend calls hysterical. Her daughter, who is 21, unwed with 1 child (14 months) is pregnant and in labor. The hospital kept sending them home and basically "A" was really hurting. So after an incredibly frustrating and emotional week as it related to lack of babies - I sped off to the hospital to be there for the delivery of a baby! Funny how things work out, huh?? "A" did great and the birth was beautiful. She was blessed with another healthy baby boy but I would be lying if I said there wasn't any small twinge of jealousy. I wish that I could say that all I felt was joy but there were a few bitter tears mixed in with my joyful ones! Overall, I'm so happy for "A" but I know she has a rough road ahead of her........being a single mommy to 2 babies is no easy thing - luckily, she is a wonderful mother and she has tons of support from her family and me (I get to play auntie to the boys!).

On the diet/exercise front I'm hanging in there. Last week was rough with food because the hormones make me crave salt and chocolate but I did okay. I'm still hitting the gym 3 times a week so that is going good too. I did get into a yoga class and I have no decided that yoga is a miracle drug......if you are stressed and have never tried yoga - YOU HAVE TO TRY IT! WOW - people at work that had no clue that I went even commented on how relaxed I looked.......I really did feel great. Now I just have to figure out how to fit it in between spin classes and weights. It is still so strange to hear myself trying to strategize how to get more time at the gym......what happened to Steph the couchpotato???

Okay - gotta run. I owe everyone comments and huge {{{HUGS}}} so I promise to try to start catching up! I have really missed you all so much and from the looks of it I'm getting left behind in the weight loss contest!

Just a couple of BEFORE pics and one AFTER pic.

I got asked a couple of questions about my weight loss and my pictures so I thought I would post a couple more BEFORE pictures. The first 2 pictures were taken about 6 weeks after I started dieting....I had probably lost about 30 pounds in these. The last picture is us from Christmas. I am still amazed at where I started and how far I've come. Of course, I am still a work in progress so more pictures to come!

Real Quick

Hey guys - sorry for my absence. I intended to update everyone on everything today but after getting some bad news from the doc's office I don't really feel up to it. The short version is that I didn't ovulate so I'm not pregnant and we're on to ANOTHER round of medicine that makes me feel like total crapola. There is something masochistic about this whole thing........infertility is humbling and heartbreaking. It leaves me completely confused and for today I'm just sad. I do know that sometimes God delivers us "from" things and sometimes He delivers us "through" them. This trial is here for a reason and I have to trust that He has a plan for my good. Today my faith is tested but tomorrow is a new day and the grief will be less. I will be back to my old self soon!

The house thing may possibly make me crazy but that is something else that I have made peace with. The current "looker" is really being a hard nose and we have reduced our price as much as we are going to. The ball is in his court and if he doesn't buy it then someone else will.......so we'll continue to wait.

Gee - I sure wish that I could get some certainies (sp?) for a change. Thanks for checking up on me and I promise to update again soon!

HUGS

Photoshop is a beautiful thing....

I have to admit that I've seen and read the articles on photo retouching but I thought this link and it's total exposure was a great read and made me feel much better about how lumpy, bumpy and frumpy I can look.......check this out - photo retouch

Happy photoshopping!

I'll update on the scale and house later.........gotta get back to work {{{HUGS}}}

Weigh In Postponed....

I was due to weigh in this evening but I think that I'm going to move my date with the scale to Thursday mornings.......not that this will postpone any monumental events or unveilings but by the time I get home it will be after eating and after the gym - both of these can cause my weight to fluctuate by a few pounds. I've been really struggling this week already so I don't want a false reading to discourage me.

On the no artificial sweetener front.......I've been doing good. I should say that I do still have the occassional diet soda and sugar free candy but on a whole I have decreased my intake by probably 85%. I can really tell a difference in how I feel and LOOK.......I hate feeling bad but I really HATE looking bad/bloated. So as of today, the fat/skin rolls on my back seem to be diminishing! I must admit that my eating has been a little out of control the last couple of days......nothing really bad but I've just been starving for the most part ALL THE FREAKING TIME!! So a bite here and there may come back to bite me in the butt but I am holding out hope!

On a brighter note - we had an offer on our house today - it's been on the market for a few months. The offer was low low low but we have countered and are keeping our fingers crossed. The problem with this whole scenario is that I am super paranoid about changes........really, I'm the wierdo who would just assume live in an apartment, drive the same car, work at the same job and eat the same foods every day. I like order and structure and currently - there is NONE of that in my life - just say a prayer for my sanity and our house situation........if you can??

Guess I should get back to work - I'm slowly trying to catch up with everyone but that is easier said than done. Please know that even if I haven't commented on your blog that I haven't forgotten you!

{{{HUGS}}}

Gonna try this and cross my fingers....

Does this link work??? Becky's Blog

My Word Cloud & How Do I Give Props??

Interesting.....thanks Becky

HELP ME - this is such a cool thing but I can't give Becky the proper credit......how do I attach a link to her blog in mine?? Geez, I really am technically challenged!

Wow - read this comment that I got!

So it seems that everyone has an opinion on artificial sweetner and I am loving the comments that I'm getting. Actually they are helping me to feel a little less like a loon and more normal in my thoughts about sweeteners. So read this - I swear that some of my symptons were exactly the same and everytime that I have limited/cut out sweeteners I have experienced the almost instantaneous positive results:

Pooks said...
I follow enjoy your blog, but have never commented. But, I knew I had to post a response to this post. I lost around 50lbs 4 years ago and used artificial sweeteners a lot (diet soft drinks, yogurt, equal in coffee, etc).
Over the past couple of years, I became increasingly bloated to the point that my pants would not button by the end of the day. I also became severely constipated. I went for weeks without 'going'. The docs ran every test possible to figure out what was going on, but my organs/digestive system are perfect. Docs were perplexed. I eliminated dairy and gluten in hopes of figuring out the issue. I shed so many tears over how bad my bloated body looked and felt. I did't know what to do. As a last ditch effort, I decided to give up all articial sweeteners...something I never dreamed I was capable of. FINALLY, MY BLOAT IS GONE and I am once again 'regular'. I feel 100x better w/out the artificial sweeteners. I just wanted to pass this along in hopes of saving someone else the tears, pain, and $ for doctors, that I've experienced.

Again, I'm not telling anyone to do something that doesn't work for them. If you have no problems with sweetener and you use it in moderation I say GO AHEAD WITH IT! If you are having intense cravings for sweets/carbs, bloating, stomach upset, bowel issues or weight loss plateaus then maybe you should evaluate how much sweetener you use?? I know for me - the more I have the more I want......somehow I didn't get blessed with the "moderation button".

Keep the comments coming - I'm loving them!!

My study on artificial sweetner....

Okay - please don't send me hate mail because of this post. This was and is purely for my own knowledge and you can take what you want out of it......in fact, some of this stuff I already knew from previous experiences but it seems that I slip back in to old habits way to easy and at times need a reality check. So goes my experiment....

First let me say that when I was losing weight I did so by using diet drinks and things made with equal, splenda, etc. After losing 100 pounds my weight loss had stalled and I was utterly frustrated.....at that point I read a study about artificial sweetners and their evils.....I didn't freak out and start picketing the splenda factory but I did cut out diet sodas and anything with sweetner in it.....I replaced sodas with water and basically that was all I drank. I cut out flavored yogurts and sugar free candy - basically everything but my SF gum....in that month I lost almost 40 pounds. Now call it whatever you want - my restriction, my extra water, my extra exercise but I know in my heart it had A LOT to do with me cutting out diet soda - I was drinking a six pack a day easy!

Okay fast forward to a couple of years ago - I got hooked on SF hot chocolate that was sweetened with Splenda. I talking....I was OD'ing on the stuff.....like a 5 pound bag a week. I wouldn't eat but rather just myself going by drinking hot chocolate and coffee with splenda. I stayed bloated and tired and feeling really bad. Then I started reading (AGAIN) about the effects of sweetener......so I cut myself off and literally went through the detox phase....I was really having some major withdraws from the stuff. Almost immediately I lost 10 pounds, the bloat was gone, I felt great, was sleeping better......again, this may be just me and how my body responds but I was amazed at how much better I felt.

So again fast forward. This time my addiction wasn't as severe but I had noticed that I was relying more on Equal, diet sodas, sugar free candy and hot chocolate (GOD help me!). Again, I was staying bloated, feeling bad, craving sweets like crazy and feeling like I had to have something sweet ALL the time. Once again, I jumped on the no sweetener band wagon and once again I feel 100X better.......maybe it's conincidence, maybe it is just the way my body processes the chemicals, heck maybe it's all in my head???? I don't know but I can tell you that since I cut out the majority of my diet drinks, candy, cocoa, etc. I have lost 8 pounds in 3 weeks and my pants fit again.........I do still have the occassional diet soda but I'm really trying to wean myself off and get back to water. I'm also trying to stick to natural sugars if I want something sweet.

I'm not suggesting that anyone ban diet coke from your house or start a petition to end the Splenda campaign. In fact, I think for people starting out - the splenda sweeteners of the world are a GOD-SEND.......I just don't think my body likes them much. Just something to ponder......I'll let you know how the journey plays out!

HUGS to you all!