This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Life Lessons on Losing and Love

I know that most of you may not want to read this – it isn’t about weight loss or exercise or food logs. This post is more for my own benefit – see I am at a place where I have never been. So many dreams are being fulfilled and I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. Some days I want to forget the struggle of infertility but then other days I think of how strong it has made both DH and I. This is the story of 1 day – 1 breakdown. It also happens to be the month before we found out we were pregnant……..this is the month that we decided maybe, just maybe it wasn’t going to happen for a while. In the span of one day I learned how to let go of a dream and begin the grieving process. I think I cried most of the day….no more like I screamed and wailed most of the day. I’m not an overly religious person but on that day I remember screaming in the parking lot at work – “GOD, WHY???” I told my mom that I felt cut off – like I was rattling the windows of Heaven without any answer…….I had spent months of my life begging and pleading for just one baby – just the experience of positive pregnancy test – just to see the tears in my husband’s eyes when I told him. Yet on this day (March 12th by the way) I felt like a failure – I felt broken both physically and emotionally. Let me kind of start from the beginning.

Rich and I had been trying for 20 months… doesn’t ever get easier and trust me, sex is no fun at that point. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Reading every book, website, article on the topic of PCOS and infertility. I had been on so many synthetic hormones that I couldn’t even keep up – my body was tired and bloated. This day – March 12th was to tell us if the hormones worked – if all my hard work and scheduled sex and hot flashes and weight gain had been worth anything. I go in get my sonogram – they don’t see any eggs – do a blood draw and promise to call that afternoon. They did call and I think all I heard was it didn’t work. I tried to hold it together but the tears came like a flood. I ran from my office and looked for safety in the parking lot – of course my boss comes out at that moment and asks what is going on. I couldn’t share this with him – no one could understand my grief. I tried to calm myself and called the hubby. He was, of course, supportive and sympathetic but he had been struggling with the fact that what we had then was no longer enough. He took my want to have a baby as a slight to him – like he wasn’t enough. We had a huge fight that night and I remember just begging him to leave me alone in my sorrow – I called my mom and for the first time since I heard the news I found comfort. I felt guilty that my husband couldn’t comfort me but I just needed my mom. Rich came in later and we talked – I told him that I felt so alone and scared – I was confused and because I had grown up religious I felt like I was being punished. My husband is not religious so he doesn’t understand that aspect of my heart. I explained to him that I just needed someone to love me and pray for me – I didn’t fault him for not being that person but I knew that he wasn’t. It was a great conversation and a traumatic day – one that I can’t/won’t ever forget – one that makes me cry even now as I type this.

The beautiful ending to this story is that the next month we found out that we were pregnant – totally unexpected too. The night that we found out that a baby was coming, my husband looked at me and said the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. He told me that he prayed for me…… that moment I understood what lessons I needed to learn through this experience……I realized how much stronger my marriage was and I knew that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.

So all of that being said – if you got this far, I’m sorry. Again, this was more for my own benefit – I don’t want to ever forget the struggles that brought us to this place – I want to always be thankful for the hardships, lessons, love and blessings that I have been given.


Anonymous said...

Hi I don't usally comment but omg I got the chills when your husband actually prayed for you! just from that you guys sound like soulmates.

Gayla said...

Thank you very much for this post. It really spoke to me. Since Greg and I are trying to get pregnant and I have PCOS as well, it really hit home. I keep praying to God to please bless us with a baby. I don't care if it is a boy or a girl. I just want to be blessed with a healthy baby. I try and try to be patient. But it is so hard. My mother is a foster parent to a 6month old. The mother doesn't even care. It makes me so angry that she was able to have this child, but yet not care enough. Yet I am the one struggling to have a child. It is just so unfair. However, I am not going to lose faith. He will bless us with a child. Thank you again for sharing a part of your journey. I am so happy that you were blessed.

Candace MacPherson said...

Steph - that was beautiful. I know that when I was trying (14 months) for #2, I had to keep reminding myself that I already had a baby. It was hard. What is harder still to accept is the fact that, once I took my mind off trying, it happened. Odd?