This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Friday, May 30, 2008

Heal the wound but leave the scar

That is the title of a song that I heard this morning - needless to say I was crying by the time I got to the office! That phrase resonates so much truth in so many areas of my life - the first of these scars would be the obvious infertility - God only knows what this does to a woman, a wife, a husband, a marriage. It can truly make or break you and I think DH and I experienced a bit of both. I will forever bare the scars of infertility. Those scars are both good and bad - I will appreciate every moment of this pregnancy where others might not but I may always carry around a secret bit of bitterness at those who take the miracle of pregnancy for granted?

The real wounds and scars that I carry are those from the past and being overweight. So many times I have wondered why I couldn't just forget the fat girl, leave her behind and pretend that she never existed. I didn't want to remember drowning my sorrows in a double whopper with cheese and a large fry. I didn't want to remember being teased without mercy or worse than that, being invisible. Some days I want to pretend that I got asked out and had boyfriend and that people liked me. I want to pretend that I shopped in regular stores and wore cute clothes but those are all figments of my imagination. I never had those experiences. I spent the first 25 years of my life trapped inside a fat suit and slowly medicating myself with food. I never dealt with anything.

Since the weight loss I have spent agonizing hours trying to erase the past and morph into a different person. I have gone through phases of bitterness at how I was treated by society. I have looked in the mirror with self loathing at the skin and stretch marks. But today I realized that the hurt I still carry around is the wound......that needs to heal. I also realized that I don't want to lose who I was when I was overweight because that girl was still Stephanie. Part of who I am now is part of who I was then.

Losing weight has taught me so much about myself. Erasing that from my past would mean erasing all of the lessons that I have learned. The good ones like learning to trust myself, learning to love myself and learning what Stephanie really wanted. It also made me appreciate all that my body has done for me. I never want to forget where I came from or who I was.......I could stand to leave the pannus behind but the rest of it can stay!


Kate said...

Great Post! And your so right, as much as you want to forget your past, it's a part of who you are, and who you've become, so really, would you want to leave it behind?

Sarah said...

I agree, great post! I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels that way. I went from being the skinny girl to the fat one now to the medium one. I know the things that got me there and no matter how many times I look back and see how far I've come over the years, I also seem to dwell on stuff that I wish I didn't. Like infertility (still ongoing), the fact that I "need" to be on a diet for life unlike the people who can eat anything, a failed marriage and the ongoing work with a new relationship. Now, after about 10 years of this, I've decided its time to "deal" with the past and I'm using a counselor to help me. Its awesome. When you start to deal with the past it makes the future seem so much easier. I don't want to forget my past but I think one of my biggest fears, especially with my weight, is that I'm going to repeat history. Once I learn that I'm NOT the same person and I've been maintaining for a few years I think I won't have to look at it and feel like I'm going to cry.

You've come a long way and worked hard for what you have (weight, baby). Don't lose sight of that.

tallmama said...

Step thanks for sharing, and putting your feelings into words, though hard and difficult i'm sure. I feel your pain on the infertilty front, unless you've gone thru it, you'll never know the feelings associated with it. The worst I found was have a constant monthly reminder, seeming to scream at me "YOUR NOT PREGNANT". Even now as a mother, I still get twangs of bitterness each *month*.
All you/we can do from this point is find a way to heal. May you find your path...

goodbyetoallfat said...

"Some days I want to pretend that I got asked out and had boyfriend and that people liked me. ....... I never had those experiences. I spent the first 25 years of my life trapped inside a fat suit"

Steph your blog today speaks volumes to me -- now imagine what life is like for me, when I have spent the first 40 years of my life trapped inside a fat suit (well perhaps only 30, because I was slim until I was 9).

I so want to get to the end of this tunnel, but like you I won't every be able t change history, or to fake a "happy" slim childhood that did not exist .... I will have to live with the memories of hurts I caused to myself, and caused to me by others during my "fat" years.

I am looking forward to saying goodbye to them!

Good luck with your pregnancy.

Best wishes,

Caroline said...

What a great post! I want to leave "fat girl" behind so much, but she is still such a big part of me. I get so angry when she rears her ugly head. I've struggled with depression for years and I have a therapist who I see regularly, and this topic is really tough. It impacts so many parts of my life. Chris gets upset because he thinks I'm beautiful, and when I start criticizing myself he gets angry. I want to see myself through his eyes. But I also want to be realistic and remember that losing weight is not going to miraculously make my life perfect. Ugh! I hate this deep stuff!!!

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