That is the title of a song that I heard this morning - needless to say I was crying by the time I got to the office! That phrase resonates so much truth in so many areas of my life - the first of these scars would be the obvious infertility - God only knows what this does to a woman, a wife, a husband, a marriage. It can truly make or break you and I think DH and I experienced a bit of both. I will forever bare the scars of infertility. Those scars are both good and bad - I will appreciate every moment of this pregnancy where others might not but I may always carry around a secret bit of bitterness at those who take the miracle of pregnancy for granted?
The real wounds and scars that I carry are those from the past and being overweight. So many times I have wondered why I couldn't just forget the fat girl, leave her behind and pretend that she never existed. I didn't want to remember drowning my sorrows in a double whopper with cheese and a large fry. I didn't want to remember being teased without mercy or worse than that, being invisible. Some days I want to pretend that I got asked out and had boyfriend and that people liked me. I want to pretend that I shopped in regular stores and wore cute clothes but those are all figments of my imagination. I never had those experiences. I spent the first 25 years of my life trapped inside a fat suit and slowly medicating myself with food. I never dealt with anything.
Since the weight loss I have spent agonizing hours trying to erase the past and morph into a different person. I have gone through phases of bitterness at how I was treated by society. I have looked in the mirror with self loathing at the skin and stretch marks. But today I realized that the hurt I still carry around is the wound......that needs to heal. I also realized that I don't want to lose who I was when I was overweight because that girl was still Stephanie. Part of who I am now is part of who I was then.
Losing weight has taught me so much about myself. Erasing that from my past would mean erasing all of the lessons that I have learned. The good ones like learning to trust myself, learning to love myself and learning what Stephanie really wanted. It also made me appreciate all that my body has done for me. I never want to forget where I came from or who I was.......I could stand to leave the pannus behind but the rest of it can stay!