Hi all. Let me start by saying that this post isn't a vent or a bitch session or a pity party. It is the cold hard truth and it's something that I need to admit to myself. I need to fess up and face the facts......then I need to fix it. I know that I don't have to go back in time for you all but I need to put this down for me so forgive my selfishness and let me reflect for just a few.
It started last night when I began reading a book by Oprah called "Make The Connection". In this book she publishes entries from her journal and is very candid about her love for food and hatred for herself. I was completely absorbed in her writing and (not unlike a zillion other self help books have done for me)a light turned on. The "AHA" moment set in and I started reflecting on where I am and where I've been......being honest with yourself isn't easy and can be quite humiliating. Even now it makes me cry - sitting here typing with tears rolling down my face because of my wacked out food issues. My inability to just be semi-normal when it comes to life, exercise, food and my relationship with all 3. I keep going over the same question - I'm at the gym 5 or 6 times a week but I'm not losing - I'm asking this rhetorical question more to make myself feel better than anything. I KNOW why my pants are still tight and it isn't because my ass lifted - I'm totally compensating for my exercise because of my eating habits. Now I will say that honestly, I track everything and there hasn't been one day in the last 5 weeks when I have peaked over 1800 calories and according to FitDay, I am burning 2400 to 3400 calories a day (depending on exercise) so what is the problem......well here goes. In all it ugly, humiliating, disgusting glory - here it is - the truth.
The truth is - God why is this so hard to confess - that I rarely eat during the day......I try, I really really try and sometimes I succeed in getting a salad or some cottage cheese, especially before a workout but other than that I save up all my calories for dinner - I know it's sick. This happened over the last few months, slowly evolving into what I feel like could be considered some kind eating disorder. My routine is workout - head home - pack lunches & gym bag - cook family's dinner for the next day - wash my face - put on my pajamas - take my Melatonin and then fix myself something to eat. When my dinner is done at around 10:00, I take it to the table or the bedroom (a place where I don't have to deal with anyone) and I eat in peace and quiet or in front of the tv. The problem with this is a) because I am starving I eat way too much - thus why I have to wear my pajamas to eat - b) I don't eat bad food, hell I don't even go out to eat so you can imagine how much cauliflower and egg whites one would have to consume to hit 1400 calories (I do get my milk, cottage cheese, protein shakes in so that helps) - c) I eat and then immediately pour a glass of milk and then go to bed because by that time I can barely hold my eyes open thanks to the medicine. So because I go to bed on a full stomach and after having a huge glass of water then milk - I am up 3 or 4 times a night and usually at some point will have an apple or something like that. So that is the physical aspect of it but the mental part is even worse.......I'm like a junkie, every single day I think I'll do better and every single day I fail. I eat when I'm not hungry because I feel entitled - it is my reward for not eating all day (in fact I'm generally not hungry during the day so it isn't like I'm suffering). Somehow my dinner has moved from physical nourishment to emotional nourishment....I eat alone and somehow have associated that with "me" time - I get excited at the prospect of actually eating dinner because it isn't time that I have to deal with anything......why can't my time at the gym serve as "me" time - partly because I'm doing it because I feel obligated due to my declining health habits - with food there are no strings attached - nothing is expected or required. The husband is busy doing his thing , the kid is in bed and thus there is no one requesting anything, passing judgement or even speaking to me.........basically no one is watching and I can eat until I pass out......this is really no different from my old eating habits but now I chose to binge on healthy food - well guess what sister, healthy food will make you fat too!
I know all the tricks of the trade and I really thought that I had nipped this in the bud......I thought that this demon was dead and gone - I was the new and improved Stephanie - I was a Barbie - I was okay with who I was and I didn't need food........I think I got too comfortable, I let little things come back into play and I let them slide until now I have a full blown issue AGAIN. I wish I could say that I wasn't conscious of my decisions to eat so much but I am. Every time I sit down to eat I think "listen to your body" "being stuffed feels horrible" - but it doesn't take long for me to shut that bitch up and shove her in the back of the closet, allowing the food monster to come out.
People see pictures of me smiling and tell me what an inspiration I am.....if they only knew the truth. The struggle, the heartache, the burden, the beatdown it is.......then they would know that I am failing - rebelling - jumping off the wagon and the sucky part is that for all my failures, I'm not even enjoying shit that I love like mexican food and ice cream - I'm wasting my failures on fucking cauliflower and green beans!! I can't even fail properly!!!
So now that I've written that all down, I feel better - okay not really, I feel like shit but I have to suck it up and move on. So I have decided on a plan - as bad as I hate frozen dinners that's where I'm headed. I think a week of frozen meals will help me get my portions under control, make it easy for me to eat right after the gym (no eating so late) and take the stress out of food. I really really really need a break from carrying this baggage around......I've never seen a headline about a women going mental over food but I could potentially start that trend. I'm tired of crying over egg whites and failure and stressing about carrot sticks and calories.....I feel like a prisoner - I feel like a damn maniac half the time. I want to get back to living my life and living includes eating like a normal person. I don't want to look in the mirror and see a failure anymore - I want to be honest with myself - no more obsessing about my pannus or sodium intake. Your health is 90% diet and 10% exercise - I'm going to get my diet back on track, not to lose this 15 pounds but to find me again.
Thanks for listening and for being there in blogland.