This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Bake Fest, Billy Blanks and the Bitching Neighbor!

I know, I know - Barbie has totally been AWOL lately but please know that I have been with you all in spirit! Things have been totally insane between work and home so "me" time has been limited! On to my title.....it starts with last weekend being a total bake fest in my house. I absolutely love to bake and make candy so I tend to go a bit overboard in that department. Just picture Barbie on Saturday morning foregoing her normal workout for a trip to the grocery store to purchase baking supplies. Yep, here I am in workout clothes, tennis shoes, no makeup and hair under a hat all to grocery shop at the local poe dunk grocery store. I loaded up my basket with every non-healthy item I could find and secretly relished in the bliss that comes from baking total crap and knowing that I'm going to give most of it away. Not to mention, if i do say so myself, my baked goods/candy always gets rave reviews - this is another reason that I weighed nearly 400 pounds - a lifetime of taste testing will do it to ya every time!

So I loaded up my cart, paid for my pletherage of crapola and headed to the sanctity of my kitchen. I baked and baked and baked......hubby ate and ate and ate!! He loves my baking skills too. So I made cookies, brownies, sausage balls, fudge, peanut butter balls, cheesecake and 2 kinds of dip. It was a really busy weekend that ended with me collapsing on Sunday night in a heap of powdered sugar and shortening! Baking Barbie was almost dead but it was a contented kind of death......is there such a thing?? Okay so in the middle of bakefest 08 - I started feeling guilt for my lack of gym time over the week. I felt like a total slacker so I decided to bust out the Billy Blanks DVD that I bought at Thanksgiving.

Let me begin by saying that my boy Billy has no room to ever make fun of Richard Simmons because his attire in this video almost made me pee my pants.........can you say tie dye shirt and shorts??!! Oh but wait, the shorts appeared to have been cut with pinking shears.....you know the scissors that your grandmother used to make quilt patches.....they make the zigzag pattern in the material when you cut it.......what the hell Billy, how am I supposed to concentrate on the insanely intense and intricate moves that you are doing (not teaching) when your who who is about to fall out of your crazy, too big, tie dyed, quilter shorts..........WHOA! It was not a pretty sight! Then of course there is crazy, cardio kickboxing, marine barbie in the background who is screaming and hollering and acting like this shit is the best thing since sliced bread. Meanwhile this Barbie is in the middle of her living room about to karate chop the damn christmas tree while my cats are staring at me in horror. First they are utterly confused as to why I am covered in melted chocolate and flour - I am assuming my appearance coupled with the heavy breathing and gasps escaping my lips probably resembled some kind of sick Paula Deen/Emeril porno. It just wasn't good - after a half hour I turned it off and spent the next 10 minutes alternating jumping jacks and pushups. As scary as it is to hear my pannus flapping - seeing it jiggle while covered in flour is way worse!

My last comment about the bitching neighbor was added as i typed the above. Yeah, I'm the girl who makes goodies for the neighbor and tries to wave and smile. So I'm sitting here typing away at almost 10:00 p.m. and I hear a knock at the door. Now my faithful hubby is out playing poker so it's just me and the kiddo home alone. I lurk towards the door since nobody ever comes to my house. Ask who it is and am greeted by me neighbors voice.....I'm thinking, hell it's late to be bringing over a card or gift.........WTF?? So I pull open the door and am hit with an assault about my barking dog. I smile politely and apologize profusely because truth be told the damn dog is making me crazy. He barks, he jumps the fence, he digs holes, tears stuff up.........seriously this dog has a death wish or something. So I tell said neighbor that the "man" is out but I promise we will take care of it in the morning. He just continues to bitch and complain like I'm going to mysteriously have another option to offer. I'm not bringing the damn dog in the house and I'm not a dog whisperer so my chances of coaxing him to shut the hell up are slim to none. Really, what does this guy want me to do........I know it is a pain in the butt but so are this guys kids that scream to the top of their lungs at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Oh and him mowing his lawn at 7:00 a.m. on Sunday morning - well when he mowes it at all! So I just stood there and played dumb......I don't know, batted my eyelashes, twirled my hair and smacked my gum. Guess he took the hint because he finally left my porch - he may have snuck off to shoot the dog because I don't hear him barking anymore???

I really really really hope to be able to get back around before Christmas but if not Merry Christmas to all of you. Be safe, have fun, hug your family and enjoy the food BUT be prepared to bust ass when it's over.......we all know the drill enjoy it now but be ready to pay for it on the 26th!

HUGS to you all!

7 comments:

Kate said...

Bakefests are so much fun, especially when you can learn to keep your fingers out of the dough and stop taste testing everything, haha!

Have a great Holiday!

Colette said...

lol@ the neighbor!! I know how he feels though my biggest pet peeve (lol..that was funny) is a barking dog...errrrr I hate it when I am trying to sleep!! And yes my neighbor has one that is old and barks all the time. I like them too much to say anything, I am just praying the dog croaks soon..LOL
Hope you have a very Merry Christmas Steph. I <3 you!!

Candace said...

Too funny, but why wouldn't you bring the dog in? Guess I'm more like the neighbour. One night I got out of bed and stormed next door, banging on the door, because someone's Dad kept beeping their horn. I gave the car a dirty look as I trudged back home. Bet he thought I was a crazy woman and at least he didn't have to get his butt out of the car and walk 10 paces to knock on the door so his son would come out. I was thinking the next time that jerk beeped the horn after I'd spent 2 hours getting kids to sleep I was gonna knock him.

holly said...

I'd rather leave a barking dog OUTSIDE then bring it INSIDE! haha....I think I'd also rather have a barking dog than annoying neighbors partying into the wee hours. Now THAT'S ANNOYING!

I agree about the Billy Blanks stuff. I have 1 video and he doesn't really explain anything, he just does it and hopes you catch on. AND I totally know about that lady in his video's that you were talking about...she looks hardcore! haha

Have a great holiday!

WeightBGone said...

Merry Christmas! I hope your holidays are blessed!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

I'm impressed that you can have bakefest without eating it all- I hardly baked at all this year for fear that I'd devour it all!

Swizzlepop said...

COming from a total dog lover who treats hers like a human all I can say is that maybe teh dog is acting out because he needs more attention and exercise. Our dog was acting up for a while and my parents kept saying that they didn't know why. Well they had been to busy to walk him 2-3 times a day and he was getting frustrated. I googled a few things and sure enough they say that when the dog starts to bark for no reason or act out it's because they are trying to communicate to us that they need exercise and attention. Just a thought!

Glad to hear that you managed to survive bakefest 2007 without having any cookie affairs :P