When I said that I had an okay eating weekend evidently I lied.......see I forgot about the chocolate sprinkle debacle that happened on Saturday morning - well I forgot about it until I went to the grocery store last night and realized what a punch those little bastards pack - so here is how it went down:
Saturday morning arrives with dear Barbie feeling a bit under the weather - not really sick but more the lovely "hangover/detox" feeling - basically like I had been run over by a tractor trailer and for some reason I determined that chocolate would revive me??? Being the neurotic Barbie that I am, I don't stock chocolate in the house - yeah, I'm the mom that throws out the chocolate syrup even though my kid loves it........I just don't keep that trigger food around - no can do. So in light of this info - I begin hunting for chocolate.......although i feel like total ass I somehow manage the gumption to begin a thorough scavenger hunt - seriously, I resembled a sick, twisted Survivor participant. This was a bad deal.........I'm rummaging through cabinets, cupboards, the fridge, freezer - damn it - why oh why do I have to be such a freak of nature and not have one drop of chocolate??? At this point it is a good thing that the hubby was working in the garage because I could have mowed him down given just the slightest reason.
Suddenly it hits me and I remember the chocolate sprinkles from the Christmas Cookie Catastrophe of 05 - yeah I know - they're 2 freakin years old but at this point I'm desperate. I find the bottle.......I looked like a fucking alcoholic.....my hands are shaking, I've been sweating from the fevered search and I stink cause I haven't showered yet but damnit I have the bottle of choco - geez, I'm pathetic! I unscrew the cap and realize that I've pretty much lucked out cause the bottle is almost full - surely this should be enough to ease my pain and soothe the shitty feeling that is coursing through my body......they're generic sprinkles - not even the good stuff but hey when you're a junkie, somedays you take what you can get. I sniff them and inhale the aroma of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING - someone tell me why in the hell don't chocolate sprinkles have a smell??? Maybe that would have detered me.......maybe then I could have saved myself from drowning in the whole damn bottle - maybe a whiff would have helped bring me back to reality - nah, probably not. So I sniff them, smell nothing and tip my head back with bottle to my lips. The first nibble of "sprinkle" tastes a bit waxy - nothing like a good chocolate bar or the likes.......I need to take another "sip" - hmmm, my brain is now numb to taste, smell and LOGIC - finally I just downed the whole damn bottle. Of course, right at this point, my Ken walks in to find his Barbie, clad in a sweaty nightgown, hair sticky with sweat, smelling like a 3 day old hangover and mouth full of small hard choco bits - he looks a bit confused, kind of like who the hell are you and what have you done with my wife??? I smile, he frowns and I immediatley realize that I have just given myself away - I'm standing there grinning like a cheshire cat with shit on her teeth.......cute, I'm sure. He asks what I'm doing, I choose not to respond - there is no need to go through the babbling Barbie speech, complete with tears, sobs, choking, snot and other assorted sound effects/bodily fluids..........it's pointless and I'm busted. The great thing is that I'm not too traumatized, Ken never mentions it and we go about our merry way. I then enter the week feeling relatively smug about beating the bitch that is anti-depressants while staying fairly on target with the food..........hmmmm, well I felt that way until I hit the grocery store yesterday and just for kicks I decided to read the nutritional value on the chocolate sprinkles - see the generic shit doesn't offer calories or fat - I mean who the hell eats a whole bottle in one sitting?? The good stuff though, does offer nutritional info and what do you think that info is........hmmmm, maybe if I replayed my gasps and shrieks of horror you could take a wild guess......well my friends - 1 bottle is 23 servings and each serving is 20 calories SO - 1 freaking bottle of chocolate sprinkles cost me 460 calories..........460 F'ING calories of nothing - waxy, I don't have a smell or taste, NOTHINGNESS!!! Stupid Barbie Stupid Barbie - so lesson learned - I will never understimate the calories in ANYTHING!!