I'm sure that you are all wondering what in the hell I was on when I titled this post but both warnings are true......oh so true! Let me start out by saying that I'm glad you all love me otherwise I would never be able to actually admit this. In fact, I still can't believe that I'm going to recount the events that took place in the dark, secrecy of my car but hell if you can’t share your drama with friends then who can you share it with.
It started last night when I was driving home from spin class and realized that I could possibly DIE from hunger. I made the mistake of not eating enough during the day to compensate for the total ass kicking that my instructor was going to shell out so I was famished. I stopped at the convenient store but really…..short of eating a candy bar or a weinee wrapped in an egg roll wrapper (someone please explain that logic to me??) I was screwed. Now just last week I said, hunger isn’t an emergency BUT in this case IT WAS! I really came so close to caving and stopping at a fast food restaurant but then I thought that I would end up eating something and feeling such guilt over it that it just wouldn’t be worth it. So there I sat with an hour drive ahead of me, in the dark, with nothing but a giant bottle of water and a few sour mints at the bottom of my purse.
I did okay for about half the commute………listened to the radio, made a call to my dad (who didn’t answer) and made mental lists in my head. Before long the list making turned from “things to do” to “things to eat”…….bad news! I began rummaging through the smorgasbord of crap that was in my car (yeah, I commute 4 hours a day so I always have empty bottles, makeup, cd’s, newspapers, etc. in the floor of my car – it is my home away from home) and my fingers grazed across something that felt oddly familiar……..hmmmmm, reaching back and nearly dislocating my shoulder I struggled to pull the treasure chest from the floor. Must reach it…stretch Barbie…damn why couldn’t I have been Stretch Armstrong instead of Barbie??? After what seemed like hours of maneuvering, honks, tires screeching, swerving all over the road and numerous unkind gestures I was able to reach my prize. What do you think I pulled out?? 2 handi-snack sugar free jellos………WOOHOO – hell with the level of euphoria that was running through me you would have thought that I had just pulled out a t-bone steak! So with jello in hand I begin to anticipate eating them…..this isn’t going to be easy though….but then again, nothing worth having is easy, right? My first clue should have been the fact that the foil on top had to be ripped off with my teeth….classy, I know. So here I sit driving 70 miles an hour ripping off foil tops with my teeth……sounds like a country song! Next question – geez Barbie, how ya gonna eat that??? Hmmm, think, think – I thought of my drinking days and jello shots. Just run your finger around the rim and slurp it down – the problem is that this cup o’ jello isn’t the size of a shot – it’s a lot of freaking wiggly jello but still I run my finger around the rim of the jello (at that point I realized that not only was jello kind of runny at room temperature but it would also stain your finger a lovely shade of red). I loosen the jello and begin my slurping……damn, it’s stuck – tell me, how the hell does jello stick to anything??? Old people and babies eat jello – it isn’t allowed to “stick” to shit! I slurp again……..now I’m getting pissed off – I’m convinced that f’ing Bill Cosby is playing a cruel joke with his jello products – one more slurp and this time I’m making it count……..yeah, guess you could say that I free’d said jello and managed to suck it down my windpipe…….guess the shit doesn’t really stick after all! So picture Barbie in her crappy red Impala (ken did fix my flappy plastic piece on the door finally), driving through town at 60 miles an hour, swerving, coughing, sputtering and choking on jello. I can see the headlines now – Women dies from asphyxiation caused by jello……..wouldn’t my family be proud! After what seemed like hours I was able to clear my throat and suspend the coughing fits – it was at that point that I decided slurping jello could be hazardous to your health so I had to find another way to eat my other cup. After rummaging around in my purse I found a plastic knife (don’t ask why in the hell I have cutlery in my purse – long story). I commence to peel back the foil lid with my teeth, sip off the jello juice (it’s room temperature and evidently jello sweats…….ewwww, okay that was gross) and cut my jello into sections with my plastic knife (in my head I’m thinking, of all days to not have the proper utensils it would jello day!). I neatly cut my jello into quarters and tried to “scoop” it out with a knife – yeah right, smart one, I know. The first quarter fell into my lap – once again there was swerving and near death experiences – the second quarter made it closer to my mouth but I think part of it is buried in the crack of my seat?? I finally began using the knife to shovel it in past my lips – really after almost choking on one cup and losing half the other one all I wanted to do was taste the f’ing jello!! Is that too much to ask……damn it!
In the end I walked away with stained fingers and cuts on my lips from the plastic knife but damnit I got to eat half a cup of jello……moral of the story – really hunger isn’t an emergency and yes, it is possible to die eating jello while injuring yourself with plastic cutlery. So…….anyone have any ideas on how to get the jello stains off my fingers???