Maybe I should be ashamed to admit this but I am someone who can have one of those Allelujah moments while watching a prime-time soap/tv show.......that is precisely what happened to me on Wednesday night. So here's the story and how it all happened.........Halloween was over, hubby was working and kid was in bed. I sit down on the sofa to eat some dinner while turning on the TV - I know this is a bad habit but in this case it proved helpful. I'm scrolling through the 97 hours of Spongebob that we have recorded (why in the hell do I pay $100 a month for cable only to have MY favorite shows ousted by a talking sponge running around in his underwear!!!) and find Private Practice. Now before I really get into it, let me say that I have really been struggling with my body. To say that I resemble a Gumby doll that was placed too close to the furnace is an understatement. It's bad - not as bad as it could be but bad. Bad to the point of being paranoid that someone might actually see me without my clothes on (namely my husband) - I cringe when he runs his hands over parts of my body because, inspite of my neurotic visits to the gym and some improved muscle tone, the flapping, sagging pannus that I carry around ain't leaving!
Okay - back to my moment.......Addison (the doctor)is talking to a woman who to the normal onlooker has a perfect life - she has a great husband, they want to have kids, she is happy, she is young and she is in love BUT she has just found out that she is going to eventually die - some genetic thing?? The woman freaks out and bails on her husband, her dreams, her future of having children and when the doc finally talks to her she proceeds to explain that everyone has a right to their life. Okay so now you're like WTF Barbie - get a grip but I really started thinking about it. We all deserve to have our life......we deserve to be happy.....we deserve to have what we want (as long as it is within reason and we are willing to work for it). I am about to be 29 in 3 weeks and I can't remember ONE TIME in my whole life where I looked at my body in the mirror and was happy - before it was weight, now it is skin, always something. I have worked so hard and yet I'm still not satisfied so - I've decided, I mean really decided, that after we have a baby I'm getting the skin removed. I don't care anymore about what people will think or finances or recovery or any of that crap - I'm doing it for me because I deserve it. I've worked hard, I've fought, I've failed, I've rallied and I've succeeded........now I want my freaking payoff!! I'm still neurotic and a tad mental about the whole let's be healthy thing - it will probably always be work for me to stay sane and healthy but damnit, I want my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - I deserve everything that life has for me so I'm taking it!
I think that same theory should apply to all of us regardless of where we are in our diet walks.......we should leave it all on the table and take what is ours. What is ours you ask??? Health, life, vitality, love, self confidence and the pursuit of happiness, damnit!! If we take anything less than those things out of our life then we have failed ourselves - we haven't truly lived our life! We all struggle and fall apart, our lives sometimes take wicked turns and lead us down paths that we would rather not trod but in the end WE have to take control - so that is what I'm doing. I have the power to change things.....I am working on it feverishly and I think one little, itty, bitty part of my brain actually might be figuring out that I don't have to eat like it is my last meal, at every freaking meal! Roni says "hunger isn't an emergency".........wow, who'd a thunk it!!
Okay, stepping off my soapbox.....I need to hurry and have a baby Barbie so I can get my surgery and get on with living my life!! On the day 4 of the eating challenge - hmmm, yesterday was a bit of a bust - felt bad, slept and hung around soup for the most part. I did manage to really reel myself in when I wanted to get up and eat all night so YEAH for me!! Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are "living" your life!