Day 4 of no meds.......doing okay, hanging in there and moving along. My brain feels a bit foggy but I'm not sure if that is the withdrawls or just my lack of motivation for work......I want a vacation! I did get a real "pick me up" comment from someone who is in the same boat that I was and is working hard to lose the weight. It made me feel so great to hear that I inspired her and my "realness" offered her some encouragement. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm too real but unfortunatley for you all, I don't know any other way to be. The real deal is that I'm completely uncoordinated, somedays I HATE being healthy, I question my abilities every single day, most days I forget what I've accomplished and focus on my flaws - oh and let's not forget about my seriously screwed up food issues.........you know the ones, snorting pudding, having a lucid affair with banana pudding and my obsessive desire to visit the grocery store every day. God, some days I feel like a total mess and then I get a comment from you guys that tells me I'm okay, maybe not normal but accepted and on some small level, maybe even an encouragement. THANKS - you have no idea how much I need that reassurance that the nice men aren't coming with a snug jacket made especially for me!!
On to the topic of my post...........Effexor - hmmmm, not much to say but this shit is hardcore. Good grief - I took a really low dose and in coming off of it I'm fighting the brain fog and anxiety like a mad woman. Not to mention, I am no longer taking my sleeping meds.......I kind of miss those but not the weight that they help put on. I just miss falling into blissful, forgiving sleep - now I have to work at shutting off my brain and staying asleep. The one thing that I know is that this whole episode will be well worth it when it's over. I'm not bashing anti-depressants or sleep meds, by any means - they saved me at one time but since I have begun my exercise routine, I feel so much better and so much more positive. It is true what they say, bad as I hate to admit it, exercise is great for depression! Does that mean that I LOVE exercise - ummmm, probably not - my brain just isn't built for enjoying a total ass kicking every night. I still have to force myself to go and trust me this week, has been a real struggle. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that if I actually work my body, it will reciprocate by hopefully falling into a fitfull sleep and my body has not failed me...........sleep hasn't been wonderful and not nearly as deep but it is coming and stays around for a while each night.
It's funny because to say that I loathed exercise before, would have been a tremendous understatment. I knew the weight loss benefits but for the most part would have rather starved than move. I wish that I could confess to being one of those girls that had the motivation to work out on her own every day but I don't have it in me. I need an organized class, complete with screaming instuctor and group of sweating people - I need to look around and say "damnit, I'm as good as her so get your fat ass up off the bicycle seat" - I need the step instructor telling me "we're gonna do it til we get it right"........I need blaring music and the smell of sweaty armpits to know that I'm working it. Does that make me deranged???
One last thing and I'll wrap up this convoluted post.........I'm a little worried about my special "scale time" tomorrow. My eating hasn't been too terrible with TOM here but I could have refrained from the peach ice cream (I did finally just trash it last night so at least that is over). I also could have done better at sticking to my goal of not eating late at night.......this one is rough for me - I get home late from the gym and I'm not too hungry - when I finally get hungry and eat it's 10:00 - then it's time for bed. I've always been like this......I've always enjoyed eating dinner late, I don't know why but I just do.........I got out of this habit for a long time and somehow slipped back into it......damn - I am going to work harder on this though - I think I can, I think I can!!