This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Something to be thankful for!

So yesterday I woke up so swollen that I could barely get shoes on. My usually lose pants felt tight and binding so I was basically a Barbie bitch all day. I went from crazy crying spells to furious vents of anger.......it was not a pretty day in Barbie land. In fact, it got so bad that I totally blew off the gym and just went home. I didn't eat bad but I really struggled to make myself eat something during the day. I contemplated all kinds of crazy diet tricks to shake the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few days.....I was basically irrational for most of the day. Fast forward to after work and you will see Barbie sitting on the floor in front of YET ANOTHER pregnancy test, praying that maybe, by some chance that was what the problem was.......ummmmm, NO - not that I didn't already know that since I had taken 3 in the last 2 weeks but it upset me so the water works started up again. God poor my poor Ken was ragged from all the work (holidays in retail SUCK), house renovations, packing, moving boxes, carpet installs and now his Barbie bride was standing in front of him totally dissolved about the fact that she would never be pretty enough, smart enough, good enough - you name it, I wasn't enough of it - well except for fat enough! The poor guy tried so hard to console me, make me laugh, hell he even tried to muster up some tears to shed with me.......NOTHING worked! I finally wound up burying myself in housework and then curled in bed with a book.

I got up this morning, dug around for shoes and clothes because my house is completely upside down still and headed into the office. I was still cursing TOM and the fertility gods because for whatever reason, my body can't cooperate and the f'ing hormones didn't seem to causing the artificial response that they were supposed to.......I pulled into the office dressed from head to toe in black - I looked like the corpse bride of Johnny Cash and to be completely honest with you, after yesterday I doubted anyone would speak to me anyway! Long story short, I was really really feeling rotten and bloated and just ick........feeling like that with no real explanation sucks so I was being pitiful. Not for long though - hallelujah TOM showed up!! I have never in my life been so excited to have Flo knock on my door. Now granted, the bitch hasn't been around for a while so she probably isn't going to be the nicest house guest but I don't care - I am so thankful for her appearance that I'm shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone via my blog........okay after analyzing that last statement I'm thinking I may have really been scarred by this whole fertility problem??!! I will assure you all that I am not going to use this as my "what I'm thankful for" at the Thansgiving table - I'll have to come up with something else less exciting for that event!

I didn't exercise last night but I'm going to kick ass tonight! I also haven't weighed lately because I'm really trying to focus on important things like muscle and health BUT I have to weigh in at the gym on Monday for a "no gain" challenge that the gym is doing.......I'm thinking this will be great incentive for me to keep up the workouts and stay out of the candy dish? Actually, I'm not so worried about the food part but more about slacking on my exercise due to parties, family stuff, shopping, etc.

Oh, BTW - anyone ever heard of Blueberry Salad?? It is a family favorite in my house and I have come up with a points friendly version - I'll post it in a bit! It is sooooo yummy and typically what I eat for dessert (although MIL serves it with dinner). HUGS to all!

8 comments:

MMalloy said...

Hooray for TOM!! As crazy as it sounds that is such a great thing!

I too am overly excited for Thanksgiving, the best Holiday! Hopefully you will feel less bloated by then.

I am very excited for you and I know that it won't be too long before I read that you are "Prego Barbie"!!!

Hugs!

WeightBGone said...

Glad you are starting to feel better. If the arrival of Flo helped then I am so happy she stopped by. I'm sure Ken welcomed her too. LOL

You are a wonderful, kind and loving person so I am sure Ken understands when bad days come along. If he doesnt understand at least he's kind enough to pretend to so thats a good thing.

Have a great weekend. :)

Weigh to go..lets see said...

WOW Sounds like one of my days dear ha ha ha I have been going through some major mood changes and depression..anyway Hope you have a blast at the gym...stay strong

Colette said...

Steph sorry your having to go through so much right now bt I know things are going to start clicking for you soon.

I think your hubby deserves a metal....lol. Actually most men do because they have to put up with our mood swings!!

I love the fact that you are so honest about everything on here. I swear if I ever opened your blog and it said " oh I had this for breakfast and that for lunch....and everything is peachy keen..have a great day" i'd pass out!! LOl
trust me I don't revel in your problems but I have to say they definately keep me grounded and it reassures me that if you lost 245 and have dealt with all this stuff for so long and have been sucessful then I can too!

Oh well...bet you didn't know this one!! When you lose alot of weight you alos lose it in your gums...YEP and if you wear dentures you have to get a reline done...talk about expensive!! Like 600.00 for just the top plate...so thats where I was all day at the dentist!! Had one tooth pulled and another filled... only cost me 1200.00 when all was said and done!!! So I guess we all got our own demons to deal with...I'm just glad we are not having to deal with them alone!!
Love ya and keep your chin up!

Amanda said...

I just want to say that I heart you!

I love your honesty and your wit. I am thrilled for you if you are about TOM! :) You totally ROCK!!!

holly said...

This comment is probably a little late but I figured it was still something worthwhile. I noticed in an earlier post you said something about only eating late at night and that you were trying to eat regularly throughout the day.

I've been reading a lot of books about eating disorders and there were a couple of really good suggestions in the book that I thought I'd share with you. The first method is to set a time each day that you will eat, and you must eat at the same time every day for a week. It seems like you may have tried this. They also suggested focusing more on the time of when you're eating rather than what you're eating. The other suggestion is to build up to eating regularly throughout the day.

It's like Pavlov's dog experiment. We have to condition ourselves for this type of stuff. The suggestion I read about was instead of eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Maybe start with a snack before dinner, then build up to a lunch, with a snack, then dinner, etc.

I don't know, but I think it just might work. I mean for the longest time I drank regular soda and now I feel like I am "conditioned" to drink diet soda. I don't even think twice when I'm looking in the fridge, or at a party where there is no diet soda.


Have a great weekend. :)

No Where to Run ... said...

i just found you off dietcokeandzingers...i enjoy your style...no nonsense, it is what it is. i love it! thanks for the inspiriation! i will keep watching!! YOU LOOK AMAZING!! if only we could feel as great as we look, huh?

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

I hate that monthly thing- I figure I've got two weeks every month where I actually have the opportunity to lose weight... other than that I'm either premenstrual or on my period. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.