My Everchanging Pannus!

So maybe this post is only for Vampira Barbie but I just had to document it...........it was a bit comical! You know everyone asks what about extra skin when I lose weight......I asked that question too! I read countless articles, how to's, what to do's, drink water, exercise, blah blah - it didn't matter - there is some excess skin "hanging" around.........I can find very few places on my body that do not look a bit like deflated balloons..........my calves, face and lower arms look rather good as do my feet (do feet really count though?) I can wear necklaces, anklets, smaller shoes - the whole thing but the problem lies within the rest of my body........my thighs have a sort of saggy, rippled effect - like a tidal wave gone bad. My upper arms resemble bat wings and given the opportunity I could probably double as a parasail for a small child. My back is layered ridges - I like to think that maybe my ribs just stick out farther than most...........I have the lovely layer of jowels right under my dried prune boobies and then of course there is the pannus........yep - my crown jewel of all saggy skin!!! Am I complaining, not today necessarily - today I am okay with it and I realize that it is a part of life........what am I gonna do short of hatcheting it off!

For those of you who read my usual posts you understand that my acceptance of this "friend" is a bit bizarre - yeah well, as with anything, there are good days and bad days. Yesterday was a moment to be remembered so I'm documenting it here for all of you fine ladies to read - I know how thrilled you all must be!

Last night after cooking dinner for the boys and cleaning the kitchen - I sat down in my bedroom and was feeling an inclination towards being Zen Barbie.........hmmmmmmm - maybe yoga would be appropriate.......my back, knees and hips were feeling a bit creaky (something else that I had no idea I would feel AFTER I lost weight) so I assumed that yoga was the ticket. Now keep in mind that in my house anything that requires concentration or quiet is going to have to be conducted in the bathroom safely behind a locked door - I didn't think yoga on a stained concrete floor was the ticket so I braved it in my room.........as I'm on all 4's I look up and see my cat staring at me - I swear she looked horrified - of course then the kid comes in - "what are you doing", "yoga", "yogurt?", "no, yoga" - geez people - 5 minutes of peace..........it was apparent that Zen Barbie was going to have to become Bitchy Barbie and slam the damn door - luckily for the boy he got the hint and scuttled off to construct something out of legos!

So I'm on all 4's and my shirt drapes open.........now you really must get a good visual of this to totally understand........here I am, in my pj's with no bra on.........this basically puts me looking like a 10 year old boy when I am standing upright!!! The girls kind of lay down somewhere under my armpits and they don't emerge until morning when I pull their tired asses out of bed and hoist them up with duct tape and super glue! So I'm on hands and knees in a cow pose.......who the hell thinks of these names.......what is so graceful and/or serene about being a cow!!! Anyway, I'm in the cow pose - shirt is gaping a bit in the front and I peek in - okay that was a mistake..........suddenly my serene calm and deep breathing are traded in for hysteria and heavy panting - I am beginning to sound like a cow giving birth..........I'm staring in total horror - that CAT is staring in total horror and then Ken, hearing my moans, walks in and asks what in the hell I am doing - DAMNIT Ken - can't i get a moment of peace to deal with my UDDERS!!! Yep girls - I looked down into my shirt and saw what appeared to be udders..........ummmm - what the hell is that and how did those get there!!!! Okay so I knew about the sagging skin but I didn't sign up to be the milk factory???!!!! Now my next question is more to myself than anyone - why Barbie, why must you then proceede to stick your hand down your shirt and squeeze - as if milk is really going to squirt out???? I think I must have sat there staring at the transformation for at least 10 minutes - the emotions ranged from confused, to shocked, to horrified, to okay.............suddenly I realized that so much of the extra layer I see on a daily basis, while standing upright, is only skin.......I mean surely fat doesn't fall like that and feel so squishy/empty when squeezed??? Who knows - hope I didn't gross everyone out with that story but in the horror of feeling like a cow i realized that my 5 year plan (yep it includes the book, Oprah, a baby and then a pannulectomy) would take care of the udders and my how different my life would be!!