This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

C25K & Counselling!

So I did the first day of went pretty well although it is kind of hard to keep up with the 60 second/90 second thing.......I felt like I spent a lot of time watching the clock and adjusting the damn treadmill! Tonight is spin class.........I'm worried but at least there won't be any chance of me tripping - maybe falling off that tiny bicycle seat......I mean seriously who the hell can fit there ass comfortably on that damn butt is so wide and floppy that if I'm not careful it could possibly encompass the whole damn thing and I may end up with a seat wedged up my ass! My friend K has never been to a class either so we'll see - if we don't like the spin class we may check out water aerobics...........I'm not sure about this one either. Although the girls do float nicely - Amanda, you weren't kidding!! My idea of fun is not suiting up in a bathing suit in public........the girls float but so does the pannus and water wings...........I enjoyed my boobies being in the right spot for once but the rest of my body looked like I it had been the victim of a house fire........can you say traumatizing! Not to mention we have one bathroom in our house and of course - I'm in the tub trying to relax and Ken has to pee.......god bless every time I try to get some peace and quiet I am interrupted........I guess I could have pulled the curtain to but I didn't want there to be any chance of Ken's retinas being scarred because of my appearance and lack of clothing!! Trust me it wasn't pretty!

I did fairly well on the eating front yesterday.......half an oatmeal cookie but no picking which for me is a great thing!!! I was really hungry all day though and I hate know that empty place in your belly that just won't shut the hell up! I am really starting to get frustrated with myself for not being able to vary my menu.......I know, I know - just do it but it is easier said than done for me. Really I eat the same thing every day and I know that it can't be good for is making me nutty! I cook different things for the hubby and kiddo but for me I just prefer my egg whites and veggies - last night I did throw in a piece of toast but that is about as adventureous as I get! Now with the exercise thing I really know that I need to up my calories........but this is again easier said than done........damn my obsessive compulsive personality!!

On a more serious note, not that that wasn't serious, I am really thinking of checking into some counselling..........I can walk around all day pretending to be Trixie/Barbie and acting like all is well in my world but the truth is there are still some issues that I need to work through. I can't wait to have a baby and have plastic surgery but before I do that I want to really work on my emotional self. In all reality, I have a very distorted view of food - not like you didn't all know that! I went from living with my grandparents where food was endless and I got what I wanted to having a stepmother that restricted everything - literally she would let the last piece of lunchmeat rot in the fridge before letting us have it........she too had been a victim of not having enough food when she was a kid so she imposed all these crazy rules and limits on us - she hid food, wouldn't share food, blah blah blah........this really messed with my head and now it is a constant struggle to not feel like we don't have enough. Really I have 24 individual cups of peanut butter in my pantry.........who the fuck has that many cups of pb - I won't eat it and I buy it in the little cups so I don't have an open jar but that shit has been there for months.......same goes for stupid stuff like rice, beans - you know staple stuff........I am overrun by cans of food, bags, boxes - most of which we don't eat.........I don't stockpile the veggies and meat cause I like that fresh and really we typically only eat veggies and meat so why in the HELL do I feel the need to have 27 boxes of rice???? So that is my rant - I want to pass on good eating habits to my kids, I want to not feel like I don't have enough - at some point I need to learn to be content and feel "safe" around food. The one thing that I do believe very strongly in is to introduce your kids to veggies, fruits, good food and allowing them to help make healthy choices. We also do not ever tell our son that he can't have something - now don't overrun me with emails - I'm not talking about candy for breakfast (although there have been a couple of special occasions where I let him have gellato for breakfast - he thought I was the coolest mom ever!) but if there is something in the house that I bought for me and he wants it.......then he can have it......the not sharing your food thing was one of my stepmoms main devices and that was just so bad for me. Luckily we only have 1 kid to contend with so there is always plenty and I realize with more kids that "diet" food gets expensive and so sometimes you have to set it apart. Also we don't subscribe to the clean your plate club - another downfall that I have.........I so don't want my son to go through what I have been through - I don't want him to start out going past his comfort level because that only escalates!

All right girls - I'm off to a meeting but will be back later to catch everyone up! Next post will have the Barbie Brigade Blog site on it!



Greta & Gurdy said...

just wanted to say hey.....been reading your blog for a few weeks now and I love it and find myself here every day. Very nice. And AMAZING pic at the top!!

Colette said...

Steph~ I can seriously understand your obsession with food now. Thanks for sharing. I know as a child I was allowed all the wrong foods and yes I did over eat to feel better and not one damn person in my family ever bought anything healthy for me. Yeah all I ever heard was "well if you lose weight I will buy you a WHOLE NEW WARDROBE" That was their bribe but it never worked. Needless to say I could not lose because I did not have the education in healthy eating nor was I the one buying and cooking the meals!
I try not to teach my kids all the bad habits I learned as a child. Like you I do not have the "clean plate policy" either at my house. I offer a HUGE varity of foods and only ask that my kids try something before they say they don't like it. I find if I include my kids in the meal planing and preperation they are more inclined to eat it...even if it is healthy foods!
Kudo's to you for stoping the cycle of abuse! I am so proud of you. Your going to make a wonderful mother one day!!


Colette said...

OMG....The following is an excerpt from Gret & Gurdys post from today..OMG tooo funny. Reminds me of something you would do steph...LOL BTW she is talking about eating ALL her veggies each day...
"I also decided to take a walk over to the freezer section to see what I could find. And what did I spy? BRUSSEL SPROUTS! The girl who hates veggies actually likes brussel sprouts. Unfortunately for my office mates they smell like ass when they cook (bought some in a cool self-steamer bag, wicked!). I mixed some in with my mush of cottage cheese and mashed avocado. OMG its SO good. I know, I AM a freak. But damn, if I can get my veggies in this way I'm good.

Update- another person from our office just came in and said, "WHAT is that smell?". I said, "um, brussel sprouts". He said "oh good, I have a big meeting with consultants coming up in 15 and I thought the sewer was backing up". Ooops.
tee heee.


Steph said...

Colette - you are hysterical!! You're right - brusell sprouts do smell like ass so I roast them in the oven.....mmmmmm - god I love them! With a little Heinz 57 and fat free sour cream - OMG!! Orgasmic - yeah orgasmic NOT organic!! You gotta try roasting them - seriously!!

Greta & Gurdy - thanks so much for commenting......I have my days when the food obsession becomes too much and I manage to have some kind of fantasy about cheetos or gravy!! Lately I have been craving breakfast from McDonalds but that is a no no for me.......more a matter of principal than anything - I was such a fast food junkie that I swore if I ever got the balls to quit eating it that I would never go far so good!

Amanda said...

I completely understand wanting to get counseling. I think it's a great idea. I came from the clean plate club and I never make my son clean his plate. Dh and I both don't want to do to our kids what our parents did to us. You are going to make a great mommy one day. :0)

Melanie said...

Just a word of warning on spinning...your arse will hurt. good news is that you get used to it...but be prepared for that. Sometimes the instrcutors have a gel seat you can borrow. Good luck...can't wait to hear about it.

Kuddos to you Steph for the counseling and like Colette said stopping that cycle.


Jo said...

Hooray for the C25k kick off. I felt the same way watching my watch the entire time, maybe it'll get better as we get used to it.

Good luck with your spinning or whichever class you choose, sounds like fun!

I am trying hard to follow suit in how to assist in raising the kids with healthy eating habits. I do have to separate my diet food for a purely cost-conscious reason, but there is usually something just as yummy for them to eat (except for the middle one who is addicted to salad and tomatoes, she's becoming my accomplice in the veggie-eating world). Hope you had a great day.

WeightBGone said...

I hear what you're saying Steph and can relate. I was born and raised in the south where everything came fried with lard and lots of comfort foods were provided.

It was a huge adjustment for me to learn how to eat healthy and its always a constant battle not to fall back into the old habits we learned as a child.

You have come so far and have a lot to be proud of. I know you will work through anything placed before you because of how strong of an individual you are. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

I think it's great that you can be honest with yourself... You are really making some big changes for the better and that is totally admirable... By the way... Who has that much rice? Well ME of course! You see, we are more alike than we really even knew!!

MMalloy said...

I totally get the food thing. I grew up in a house were food was impossible to come by. My mom doesn't cook or shop so we would wait for my Dad to get home around 8 every night to have ANYTHING. When my sister finally started driving it was like freedom, we could go and get McDs or whatever we wanted.
I have been with my counselor for just over 5 years now and it really is a great thing. We talk about everything even though the purpose of me going is to discuss my eating problems. Some of my closest friends still don't understand why I need to see her but it really helps to sort things out that are going on in my head and be reminded that I am on the right track. You are on the right track too, you are living a healthy life and whether or not you believe me you are a good Mom.