This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Bicycling Bitch in a BANDANA!

Okay girls - just got home from spin class and I'm whipped but I had to get this down on paper!

Picture this (xylophone music is playing in the background) - Barbie pulls up in her "NOT A VETTE" car - she looks at the YMCA sign and smiles......she isn't perky but she's content that she is finding her niche in the world of exercise. She is dressed in black yoga pants, t-shirt, head band (sorry for the 80's look but I sweat like a pig in this class) and sneakers. She isn't trying to be popular or win friends......just trying to get a good workout and relieve some stress. She jogs up to the front door (because she is fashionably late as usual - thanks to a pit stop which can be attributed to too much damn water!) and she passes by the window which allows a lovely view of the spin class that she is about to walk into. Class is already underway and Barbie looks at her lone bike and thinks "I gotta get my ass in there", the bike on the other hand screams in horror "NO - not that crazy bitch again!!". Barbie looks to the left and spies the new instructor for the evening.........it all goes downhill from here girls - what do I see you ask??? A really hot male insturctor, NO - hmmmm........a slightly frumpy instructor, NO.......hell a parapalegic, WRONG again..........what I see is a 60 year old, asian woman, built like brick shit house complete with tatoos, too much fake tan and a bandana on.........this bitch is built like Rambo and I can already tell that she is screaming at the top of her lungs - swear to God I almost ran!!!

I sucked it up and headed in - I'm thinking we're still in the warmup, right? Shit I'm only like 4 minutes late.......oh hell no - this crazy chick is sweating like a madman and I was right, she is screaming like a damn maniac! Faster, faster, faster - keep up - up, up, up, sit for 3 seconds, sprint for 15 seconds, up, up, up - okay WTF - this is the damn Y lady........this is where moderately overweight of out of shape people hang out. This isn't Gold's Gym - have you looked around the fucking room. The other 60 year old woman in the room (who appears to be in great shape) is holding on for dear life.......convinced that she should have finished her will before leaving good old hubby at home. The middle-aged, slender, professional guy is about to fall out and my buddy looks at me and smiles............SHIT - this is gonna be torture!!! Fast forward by about 15 minutes - this woman is still screaming, making hand motions and telling us to turn it up to 80 RPM's....now these damn bikes don't have a speedodmeter but I could be fucking toting ET in mine cause I'm pedalling so fast and hard...........Jesus! About this time I'm thinking, I'm not gonna make it......no way, gonna pass out, all the while I'm hearing her yell, push, pull, push, pull............christ you would have thought we were building a damn pyramid in the Egyptian days! I finally look up and she has hopped off her bike is dancing around like freaking leprechaun........I guess she thought we needed some kind of distraction - it worked for the middle aged guy, he dropped his damn water bottle! Really, this woman is twirling her self around like she's wearing tassels under her workout shirt!! The bitch can cycle with the best of them but she has got no rythym!!

I did make it through to the end and let me tell you - she worked our asses off until the bitter end!! Rather than stretching out she had us doing some kind of crazy ass yoga poses.......look Barbie isn't bendable like that - hell Barbie can barely feel her lower extremities and you want her to put her what where??? Yeah good luck with that lady - seriously, this woman didn't even give us her name..........she was like a workout demon, dressed in black!! She packed a mean punch though!!

9 comments:

Jo said...

I live in fear of your instructors, wow. They seem to do what they're paid for though, get that Barbie butt in gear! You are doing so awesome with all the new workouts, I dunno how the hell you do it. And Barbie's aren't supposed to do yoga, they can only move a small number of joints in a given direction. That's just the way it is!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

Too funny Steph. Way to hang in there though!

Amanda said...

Way to go! You still went and still hung in there! You are rockin those work outs!

Greta & Gurdy said...

good for you to hang in there though! Crazy funny story.

Melanie said...

LOL...but you can say you survived!!

my30x30 said...

LOL! I have missed your posts so bad! I thought you were really MIA b/c I didn't know you had switched to blogger! I was so relieved to find you! LOL! You always put a smile on my face! Sounds like you did a great job keeping up with the bitch! You should be proud! :)

Candace said...

Pretty sure I couldn't survive something like that. This Barbie doesn't like to sweat! I can tell great stories to my Kelly though. She'll grow up in fear of gyms if I reveal too much of what I've learned on THIS blog though.

Dawn said...

OH MY, you always make me laugh an make me feel like I am right there with you. So proud that rambo lady didn't scare you off and you toughed it out until the bitter end. GREAT JOB!!! --Dawn

Jynell said...

Congrats on sticking it out through the whole class!! I know it sounds crazy now, but trust me- you keep going & one day, not too far from now- you'll be looking forward to instructors like her b/c you'll want to be pushed!! I used to fear Drill- now I just look at him & smile, knowing he's got something "fun" in store for us!! You can do it!!! :D