Hello everyone! First thank you all soooooo much for your comments, advice, worry and support – I am amazed everyday by the group of amazing Barbie’s that I have befriended! So on to my reasons for being MIA – actually it started out as multiple doctor visits and testing, then moved on to house repairs from hell and finally just pure craziness at work to make up for the 2 days I was out last week. Before I get into my most recent story I have to say that during this break I have had time to reflect on some issues that go on in my head – now I wish that I could say this was the end all, be all of my weighty issues (pun intended!) but in a couple of months I will be fighting to regain my hold on the insanity. But for right now I am trying to focus on being healthy and not so much on a number that is spit out of a damn metal box. I mean, really there has to be more to life than 3 digits. Right now I am trying to be proud of myself for exercising, for being positive, for focusing my efforts on long term health rather than a number or clothing size………now I am NOT jumping off the bandwagon but rather trying to get back to being more of a Barbie – damnit I deserve that – we ALL deserve that. We deserve the ability to look in the mirror and not feel repulsed, to realize our potential, to love ourselves and to appreciate what our bodies do for us.
Okay enough of my Barbie rant – my plan for this week is to hit the gym at least 4X and to try to eat smaller, more frequent meals – yesterday I did 10 miles on the bike at the gym AND I got in lunch and dinner – GO ME!
The Doc has finally diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin……let me just tell you that this drug has been wonderful for me……for the first time in forever I am not going carb crazy – literally girls, I ate raw oatmeal last week cause I was dying for carbs. It is also helping keep my appetite in check which allows me to feel more in control when I eat – I think my renewed sense of self worth comes from this…….how sad is it that our weight, appetites, dieting techniques and all the other garbage in our handy dandy bag of dieting tricks can influence so much. So for right now I am refusing to become entranced by the glitz and glam of being a certain weight, size, style or anything other than my usual Barbie self. Now comes the task of pulling back the layers and returning to who I was – that could get messy!
Now is confession time……..I didn’t do bad points wise because it was my high day but somehow my fingers slithered around through sour cream, cheese, tomatoes and other assorted goodies and managed to make it to the bottom of the Mexican casserole……what do you ask lies at the bottom of a Mexican casserole – gold, silver, diamonds, something worth having to smell blackbeans underneath your fingernails for 2 days??? Well, not so much, none of the above – can you say tortilla chips – crunchy, crushed tortilla chip crust! More about that later though – it was quite the occasion and made me realize just how far I had sank into my deep abyss of food porn…….really, I was pitiful and I knew it but I didn’t care – for a few moment of pure bliss, I forgot about the world and was focused on……….fucking tortilla chips!!! Come on Barbie, snap out of it…….my world can be great and I can relax without routing around a Mexican casserole like an underfed farm animal…….this my friends was my wake up call – so I sat with sour cream on my face, tidbits of tomatoes on my shirt, cheese stringing from my lips and the incredible feeling of overwhelming sadness that I had somehow reached this place – I wasn’t going to stick my head in the oven or anything but how did I manage to end up hiding in the shadows of my garage, eating a cold casserole with my fingers – looking over my shoulder so as not be discovered – I felt like a crack addict or something……I knew that at that point I had really lost my focus so now I am on the road home AGAIN……you would think that at some point I would just figure this shit out……..250 pounds lost and I’m still battling the same demons – my only consolation is that I KNOW WHO WINS!!