This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Everything I Know I Learned from a Mexican Casserole!

Hello everyone! First thank you all soooooo much for your comments, advice, worry and support – I am amazed everyday by the group of amazing Barbie’s that I have befriended! So on to my reasons for being MIA – actually it started out as multiple doctor visits and testing, then moved on to house repairs from hell and finally just pure craziness at work to make up for the 2 days I was out last week. Before I get into my most recent story I have to say that during this break I have had time to reflect on some issues that go on in my head – now I wish that I could say this was the end all, be all of my weighty issues (pun intended!) but in a couple of months I will be fighting to regain my hold on the insanity. But for right now I am trying to focus on being healthy and not so much on a number that is spit out of a damn metal box. I mean, really there has to be more to life than 3 digits. Right now I am trying to be proud of myself for exercising, for being positive, for focusing my efforts on long term health rather than a number or clothing size………now I am NOT jumping off the bandwagon but rather trying to get back to being more of a Barbie – damnit I deserve that – we ALL deserve that. We deserve the ability to look in the mirror and not feel repulsed, to realize our potential, to love ourselves and to appreciate what our bodies do for us.

Okay enough of my Barbie rant – my plan for this week is to hit the gym at least 4X and to try to eat smaller, more frequent meals – yesterday I did 10 miles on the bike at the gym AND I got in lunch and dinner – GO ME!

The Doc has finally diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on Metformin……let me just tell you that this drug has been wonderful for me……for the first time in forever I am not going carb crazy – literally girls, I ate raw oatmeal last week cause I was dying for carbs. It is also helping keep my appetite in check which allows me to feel more in control when I eat – I think my renewed sense of self worth comes from this…….how sad is it that our weight, appetites, dieting techniques and all the other garbage in our handy dandy bag of dieting tricks can influence so much. So for right now I am refusing to become entranced by the glitz and glam of being a certain weight, size, style or anything other than my usual Barbie self. Now comes the task of pulling back the layers and returning to who I was – that could get messy!

Now is confession time……..I didn’t do bad points wise because it was my high day but somehow my fingers slithered around through sour cream, cheese, tomatoes and other assorted goodies and managed to make it to the bottom of the Mexican casserole……what do you ask lies at the bottom of a Mexican casserole – gold, silver, diamonds, something worth having to smell blackbeans underneath your fingernails for 2 days??? Well, not so much, none of the above – can you say tortilla chips – crunchy, crushed tortilla chip crust! More about that later though – it was quite the occasion and made me realize just how far I had sank into my deep abyss of food porn…….really, I was pitiful and I knew it but I didn’t care – for a few moment of pure bliss, I forgot about the world and was focused on……….fucking tortilla chips!!! Come on Barbie, snap out of it…….my world can be great and I can relax without routing around a Mexican casserole like an underfed farm animal…….this my friends was my wake up call – so I sat with sour cream on my face, tidbits of tomatoes on my shirt, cheese stringing from my lips and the incredible feeling of overwhelming sadness that I had somehow reached this place – I wasn’t going to stick my head in the oven or anything but how did I manage to end up hiding in the shadows of my garage, eating a cold casserole with my fingers – looking over my shoulder so as not be discovered – I felt like a crack addict or something……I knew that at that point I had really lost my focus so now I am on the road home AGAIN……you would think that at some point I would just figure this shit out……..250 pounds lost and I’m still battling the same demons – my only consolation is that I KNOW WHO WINS!!


Amanda said...

I'm glad you got some answers AND some meds and you feel so much better!

Girl, you look great, you really do! So I love that you are focusing on being healthy and fit. All this are going to be even more smokin than you already are!! :)

MMalloy said...

Okay, so you splurged on some mexican goodness, but keep in mind that overall you are making VERY healthy choices. Hitting the gym (and hard), tracking your menus, getting on meds to control the PCOS. No this isn't an excuse but it is the truth, you are overall doing the right things, so no beating yourself up over mexican casserole. We are all learning to say no to these temptations, I'm not sure if we can ever change 100%.

Just some rambling from me though. I guess, just know that I am there with you. As much as I try to be 100%, I know that I will still have temptations and as long as I say NO 90% of the time, I am doing just fine!!!

You are beautiful!

Colette said...

Hey I have missed you. I too have been in the land of crazy town for the last week. What amazes me is I have not killed any of my kids (yet) I have been working out and tried to stick to plan and I even lost at WI!!
Scarey I know...but i have been thinking about ya and wondering how it was going. Figured you was on the other side of crazy town doing your thing as well.
Glad the meds are working and your starting to feel better.

Candace said...

Glad your getting some medicinal help with this. I don't know a lot about PCOS other than it's a bugger and you don't process carbs as well. I'm sure there's a lot more too it. I've heard high protein is needed. Another plug for core...I think you might need 'hard core', LOL.

Calyn said...

Glad you are back and while the mexican fiasco may not have been your best moment, you have learned from it! At least you did not continue down that road! And I am so happy that the meds are working for you! And damn proud of you for working out and setting a goal to hit the gym! You can do it, hang in there ((hugs))

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

I missed you way too much! I'm so glad you're back... despite your caserole debacle, it sounds like you're doing great!!

stephanie said...

You should be very proud of where you have come from and how much you have accomplished in your weight loss! Good for you developing healthier habits. Keep up the good work!

WeightBGone said...

I just wanted to stop in and say I missed you while I was gone. It sounds like you've been very busy but I am happy all is well in your world. Great job on all the exercise you've been doing I know it will pay off for you. :)

Anonymous said...

Hey hon - PCOS is the pits, but Metformin is amazing and will make you sing praises to pharmaceuticals! I have finally decided to give SBD a try ... so wish me luck and shoot me an email form time to time...we'll commiserate over the cosmic joke that is PCOS!!


theenginethatcould said...

Your honesty is inspriring, I know that sounds cheesy, but we all have those low moments (at least I like to think others do too) and it is nice to hear others share. I am glad you are doing well with the meds and working out. Way to go.