This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Beat Up Bicycling Barbie

First of all - do they make cute bicycle helmets cause I may need one!! Someone please tell me that I am not the only person who has managed to fall off of a freaking stationary bike!! So this is how it all unfolded - I show up to the Y and K is pulling in with me. We get out and I reveal to her that I am having some "issues" - yep, the laxative that was supposed to be gentle relief has kicked in and and decided to turn my intestines inside couple that with a the prospect of sitting on a bicycle seat aka enema for an hour and you know that Barbie was not a happy girl! All I could about was pooping my pants in the middle of class! We get in the room and it is almost full, we take a couple of bikes that are in the corner with me right beside the window........yeah, nothing draws in customers like a flapping, crapping Barbie on bike!!! Seriously class was due to start at 6:15 and here it was 6:00 and everyone is warming up......that is when I started to get nervous! After a few failed attempts at getting on this damn bike, I got the hang of it and perched about 5% of my ass on the seat - geez, you the hell thought it was acceptable to install a seat for toddlers on an adult bike??? As if the shock of the seat and stomach discomfort weren't enough, I am clueless as to how to adjust this contraption......the damn handlebars are in Alaska - the seat is set for a 7 foot tall cavewoman and the resistance is so high that I almost broke my ankle trying to push down the damn pedal.......holy shit this is gonna be a long class! Finally the instructor who is a f"ing maniac comes in the room and starts up the while Michael Jackson's Thriller is blaring on the radio I am attempting pedal this monstor bike.......after a few minutes Sharon comes over and helps get me situated - I have yet to determine if it took me that long to show signs of torture or if she was just enjoying the show?? At this point, I am sweating and this chick is calling this portion the warmup........WTF!! Suddenly she jumps and starts pedaling while standing up - position 2 as it is called.......I have never felt my legs go numb while standing but in this instance I felt that sensation and the fun doesn't end there girls, NO - next comes position 3 which is basically hovering over the handle bars with your ass in the air.......the only good thing about this position is at least I had something to lean on.......of course now i have huge brusises on my forearms from holding on for dear life! I made it through a couple more Michael Jackson songs........god help me! She commands us back to position my attempt to pull my body back upright my foot slips out of the holster! So picture Barbie foot slipping, body slinging towards the window and hitting it with a loud thud........I scared the shit out of the people! Truth be told - I was hoping to fall through it so I could get out of this damn class!
Finally she allowed us to sit back down and at that point - the fucking seat was like a Lazy Boy.......holy god, I was drenched and I knew that to try to get back to position 2 was a futile attempt.......I continued to pedal and amp up my resistance but I kept my ass on the as if this all isn't enough of an embarrasement - my stomach hits - yeah.......imagine trying to hold "it" in while sitting on a bicycle seat - I am doing my rendetion of the pee pee/poo poo dance all the while trying to pedal........finally I gave up - when ya gotta go, ya gotta go! I looked at K and told her I'd be back but of course in my attempt to leave the room discreetly I get my shoe hung up in one of the many levers on this machine of death and basically fall off onto the this point I don't give a shit cause I've gotta sh** - well you know. Get to the bathroom and when all is said and done I realize that my legs are not going to allow me to raise up off of the toilet ---------could this get any worse! So now here is Barbie who is bruised, has been impaled by a bicycle seat and is now glued to a toilet seat........class won't be over 20 minutes and I'm not sitting here for that long!! Finally after MUCH effort I haul my ass up but literally it took every ounce of strength in me to just get one leg in front of the other! I managed to make it back to my "horse" much to the disappointment of my fellow classmates who I'm sure were hoping the bumbling bafoon on the bicycle had finally given up!
I hop back with renewed hope......okay got my groove on......I'm pumping hard and fast......sweating and focusing. I'm feeling pretty good about myself until the instructor decides to do "THE HOVER" let me just say that this paticular move makes it appear as though you are riding a unicycle but really your butt isn't sitting on anything.......lets just say that Barbie thinks that bitch is nuts......I didn't sign up for the circus! Really this chick should have been a fucking American Gladiator or something!!
The more that I cycled the more I realized that this was some kind of punishment sent from the gods for eating too many Big Macs! We got done with that class and I felt like I had been run over by a train! I could hardly walk and wasn't sure if I could drive............the feeling was intense but not euphoric - more like I need to throw up now! I stunk, I ached, I was lightheaded and I was tired but damnit I finished!! I am really proud of myself for sticking with it AND we will be doing it all over again on Thursday! Really I'm not too sore today other than my ass and my who who.........YOUCH! Tonight is YFLEX which is like my step w/weights class on steroids.......I'm not sure how I'll do but maybe I won't trip over the step this time??
One last thing and then I will shut up - I have now begun the downward spiral into calculating everything into workout like last night I really wanted to eat junk and I knew that I needed food - the thought of needing protein and nourishing my body didn't deter me from consuming 17 packages of PB M&M's.........wanna know what did??? The thought that the workout that I had just partaken in was worth about 550 if I decided to eat the King Size bag of candy - I would have to do it again........oh the HORROR!! I can say that I will have to up my food when I workout at such high levels.......gotta get a plan together for that.
QUESTION for the gymrats out there - do you find yourself really hungry after a workout?? God I am starving......crazy hungry after I cooldown - what is your experience?

Gotta get my work finished for the day but will try to get back in later! (((HUGS)))


Colette said...

OMG...I NEVER will do those classes! YOu scared the SHIT out of me too!!! LOL

Hang in there....Lucky me gets to walk in the swamp with bugs of all kinds in 108 degree TEMPS...yeah I can't wait!! *rolls eyes*

You did better than I could have but then of coarse I weigh 75 POUNDS more than you do...LOL

Swizzlepop said...

Dammit Steph! I'm only as far as when you hit the window and I can't control myself. Just because you're gonna crap your pants doesn't mean you have to make me pee mine while falling out of my chair and peeing on all the passers by! MY GAWD woman you need to get into comedy!
I don't want to sound like a heartless bitch but if I was in the class with you I would have been on the floor begging for mercy at that point from laughing so hard.
OMG I'm crying!!!!!!!!!
I am literally at my desk trying my best to contain the laughter and tears are running down my face. I think I just got an ab work out from that.

I hope your arse feels better and that you don't hurt yourself or anyone else tomorrow!
Glad to hear the exercise is working for you!

WeightBGone said...


You give me the most hilarious visuals with your descriptive stories.

You need to get that book of yours written because it will definitely be a best seller.

I can see you now making a mad dash to the bathroom to take a crap then not being able to lift yourself off the toilet because of rubbery legs. OMG girl you are so damn funny. LOL

Please be careful exercising you are doing this to stay in shape not break a body part!!!

Amanda said...

Gym Bunny Barbie checking in here! I sense my presence is needed to answer a question. Hmmm... Now, I don't do any classes for the exact reasons you have mentioned. I've done yoga before, but had a hard time with that b/c all those positions push on me some way and make me have to f@rt--during class! So in order to hold it in, I don't do all the poses and then by the end of the class I am in SO MUCH PAIN b/c of holding in the gas! SEE??? You aren't the only one with issues. :)

As far as eating, yes EVERY time I am done with the elliptical, I am STARVED!!! When I go in the mornings (usually around 10-11)by the time I am done, it takes all I have to not eat my arm in the car on the way home or stop at the first fast food place I see (which is Taco Bell). This is after I eat a hearty and healthy breakfast which normally holds me over until after 12. Try drinking some water and see if that helps curb the hunger feeling, but you definitely do need to make sure you are eating enough.

And I am with swizzlepop...I was about to die of laughter reading your blog---but that happens to me every day! You really should do stand up!!

MtngirlinCali said...

Welcome to the world of Raging Crotch!!! Your rendition of spin class was hilarious--- you are right, some of those instructors are psychotic and hyperactive. :) I love spin, but basically for the the ability to "do your own thing." My big tip? Place your towel over the resistance-- she never needs to know if you are moving it when you touch it!

Now, on to out of control hunger afterwards. First, make sure you have a small 100 calorie treat about 45 minutes before your workout. 1/2 of a Clif Bar works well for me. If you want to, put some Cytomax or other type of electrolyte replacement in your water bottle for while you are spinning. Afterwards, an apple or Goo are great for immediate replenishment, but make sure you chase that with some protein within 1-2 hours, or else you'll end up ravenous. Some people can't eat afterwards, so even chocolate soy milk helps. The key is going in with the right fuel on board and then reloading immediately afterwards. Hope that helps!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

That's hilarious! Seriously,I think you're just way too hard on yourself... I'm impressed that you even worked up the courage to go to one of those classes!

MMalloy said...

Oh my...I barely made it through that one. You are too funny, but I am so proud of you. You are doing so great with this exercising!!! I am glad you found a couple classes that work for you.
Mtngilincali is right, have a small snack before hand so you don't go in with nothing to keep your body going. Drink water during and have a snack (my favorite is a bag of frozen grapes or an apple) after. Always try to get some protien in 1-2 hours after a hard workout.
Please keep the gym experience coming, I have been there and trust me it sounds A LOT better coming from you!! {{Hugs}}

2phat said...

I remember the first time someone talked about a "spinning class"... I thought it had something to do with making yarn. I enjoy bicycling but just can't seem to spend much time on a stationary bike for any reason.

If you really want to risk life and limb... give trail ridding on a Mountain bike a try. (Make sure you have good medical insurance first... you might need it.)

Greta & Gurdy said...

That was a damn funny story. Probably not for you (at least at the time) but great entertainment for us. I have had that same issue with so-called "gentle" laxatives. Uh huh, gentle. Riiiight.

junkfoodaholic said...

You are a hoot!! Good for you for sticking with it I tried once and left after15 min. Way to go

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

Is Barbie MIA due to a major head injury?

Swizzlepop said...

Did Barbie get injured on night 3 of the gym? Where are you Steph?!