Battling the Body Image Beast!

As I have posted before I am really trying to focus on having a more relaxed, positive self image. This morning, after a rough night at the gym, a bad night of sleep and a bloated belly from broccoli (note to self Barbie and broccoli do not mix!) I was struggling. I looked in the mirror a hundred times and found nothing attractive. Everything was wrong with me today. Now mind you, I was going to a job where I have worked for almost 9 years. The people there loved me at 385 pounds and were supportive through my whole journey. These are people that know and respect my boundaries and have NEVER once criticized or even flinched at my zaniness (as some like to call it) about my health. Why then, must I torture this poor barbie body on a daily basis??? I want to look good but really the 16 cheese goldfish that I ate last night did not mysteriously add 25 pounds to my frame. Nor did the extra cup of diet hot chocolate mold to my thighs and cause my jeans to be too tight. I am still the same person that I was yesterday, right??

So all of the above was swirling around in my bogged down brain this morning as I'm driving through downtown. In between cursing my aching legs and griping about my lack of 6-pack abs, I looked over and saw a man in a wheelchair with no legs. After 2 minutes later I heard a recap of a terrible accident that left a whole family mangled and one child paralyzed from the neck down. Suddenly, I realized that I put so much effort into criticizing my body and its imperfections/flaws. I spend countless hours scrutinizing foods and exercises - not for the sake of health necessarily but to try to eliminate the pannus that seems to have become my new best friend. Lets face it folks, that thing isn't leaving without some medical assistance! We as a society have completely flawed the image of real beauty and womanhood at its best. Society has shown us time and time again that a size 0 is the new size 2 and that anything above that is grotesquely obese. We don't look at our body as a whole but rather, we dissect and analyze each part........our body doesn't work independently from each part so why do we chose to see it that way.

I got to work and read Diet Coke's post about her DO DO list and it made me think about how I can help myself promote a positive body image.......I ran across some great articles put out by the National Eating Disorder Association. Did you know that back when the average model weighed 8% less than the average American woman - now she weighs 23% less.....WOW! The NEDA offers 10 steps to promote a positive body image....my favorite is number 10 on the list - "Use the time and energy that you might have spent worrying about food, calories and your weight to do something to help others."

We wonder why our lives become so encompassed with weight, appearance and keeping up with the Jones' - I think it is because rather than advertisements promoting health they promote skinny. There is a difference! So for today I am going to put together my DO DO list and remind myself that I am well worth the effort but the payoff doesn't make me a more deserving person.

This post is long enough but one thing that I DO DO now is to pass on fast food - this is huge for me......I used to live at the fast food restaurants. Now I have discovered that I crave healthy foods more than hamburgers - whoda thunkit??

So what do you DO DO??

Sometimes Being a Quitter is Smart!

So I have a zillion things to update on but really the most important of all is how much "being a quitter" for a week has improved my mental health! Ahhhh...I feel completely refreshed and in control. I guess I didn't realize how freaked out I had gotten with this whole diet/exercise thing....really, this is a lifestyle and if I have to live like I have lived over the last few weeks then it isn't worth it. I had a plan and I stuck to it.......I AM capable of going off track and getting right back on.....I knew that but I guess I lost that faith in my abilities at some point along the way. I actually went almost an entire week with no gym.....know what, after the first day or two I didn't feel the need to totally freak out because I wasn't burning calories....I adjusted my eating and ate a few bites of things that I really loved and I didn't even splurge on desserts! I think that was because I felt satisfied and I knew that I could have some if I wanted to....okay, I did have a bite of pumpkin cheesecake but it was only one bite and it was in public - not in the darkness of my garage and scooped out of the pan with my finger!

In the end, I feel great - I feel more confident and more together. I hit the gym last night and did my upper body workout......I'm feeling it a bit today but that is a good sign! Tonight is spin class and the usual routine will start back up. I have decided; however, to allow myself 2 days off from the gym.....I have a ton going on during the holidays and I really need the extra time! All in all, I am really psyched about how controlled my eating was - no crazy brocolli binges, no caving to cauliflower and panic attacks over egg whites - been a long time since I felt so in tune - I think my little experiment did prove to me that I have to cut myself some slack occassionally. Sometimes it is okay to relax with it and trust your instincts - diets/WW/healthy eating/fitness plans are great but someone with my personality can definitely run the wrong direction with it. You start listening to the WW gods as opposed to listening to your own body - or I did. Diet mentality sets in and suddenly stomach growls are like battle scars......how does Healthy, Thin Barbie get morphed into Sad, Hungry Barbie??? Sad, Hungry Barbie looks like crap, feels like crap and is pretty useless....she does lots of self loathing and negative talk - she hates everything about her and completely loses focus on anything positive, chosing to focus on the latest sag, bag or wrinkle - in fact, she is so busy listening to that garbage that she can't tell if her stomach is growling or not??? So I vow to stay Healthy, Energetic Barbie - I enjoy her so much more than Starving Bitchy Barbie!

Oh yeah, Thanksgiving and my birthday were great! My sweet hubby did perfect on my birthday - got me the MP3 player that I had been wanting and put it in a bag shaped like a castle with the Disney Princess' on it.....my card was made out to "My Pretty Pretty Princess" - that's what he calls me......I know, I'm a lucky girl! He also bought me a huge bouquet of flowers and everything was sitting out on the counter when I woke up on Friday morning - it really was sweet! After I opened my gift I finished up the food for lunch and off we went out to the campsite for Thanksgiving with the inlaws. It was cold and windy so we only stayed from Noon to 7:00 - we left the kiddo with grandma and grandpa and came home to hang out together......it wasn't dinner and dancing - in fact I smelled horrible from the campfire and I looked a mess from the cold wind/rain but we had fun and I knew that I was loved.....that's what matters, right??

Saturday was more birthday festivities with my mom and then Sunday was house cleaning and Christmas decorations.....now that I think about it, I may not have made it to the gym but I don't think I sat down either! I hope you all had a great day/weekend! We made it through the first of the holiday season without any casualties - just a few more weeks and life will really return to a more normal state! (((HUGS)))

As a man thinketh.....

I didn't hit the gym last night - hubby had to go back to work AGAIN so I opted to head home and spend a few moments with him - our time seems to get less and less around the holidays! On my way home I was flipping through stations and happened on a preacher.....I know that people may not believe me to be spiritual but in fact nothing is further from the truth. I grew up in a fairly strict charismatic church, you know the kind - limited makeup, jewelry, nail polish, always a dress type. I was very very involved in church and unfortunately got hurt and long story short - ran hard and fast from organized religion. It has taken me a long time to get back to feeling safe in a church but it's coming....even in my absence from church, I never lost my faith but again - that is another story for another time.

Anyway, I was listening to this preacher on the radio and he was talking about a scripture in Proverbs that says "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he". How true is that??!! This started the wheels turning and I realized that over the last few months I have been agonizing over workouts, food, protein, carbs, calories - you know I didn't lose weight that way......I lost weight by relaxing and not obsessing so much over food. Now that I'm becoming the food/exercise police, I'm gaining.....does that make any sense?? I've been stressed out about how to get a workout in this week with all that I have going on......well guess what girls.....I'm taking the week off - no more stressing, no more food logging, no more feeding the muscle, starving the fat, killing myself......not this week. This week, I'm going to feed Barbie when she is hungry and be done.......this week, I'm going to remember how far I've come and be thankful for my accomplishments. This week, I'm going to believe in my heart that I'm a success, that I'm beautiful, loved, strong and add up to so much more than inches and pounds!

I happen to believe that everything happens for a reason so maybe the hubby having to go back to work and my missing spin class was meant to be?

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of family and fun! I heart you all!

Is Normal Overated??

Lately I've been a bit melancholy with this whole weight, health, gym, exercise, diet, food game that we play. Sometimes I get so sick of thinking about every single thing that I do - calculating points, fat ratios, carbs, proteins, eating for life, eating for muscle.........geez, for once I want to just FREAKING EAT!! I want to sit down at the table and be "normal" and eat a meal.....the problem is, I'm not built that way nor is the rest of the population. Let me clarify - we were all built to eat but what we now consider normal is not correct. I hardly imagine that past persons belived Mickey D's for every meal to be okay let alone normal. Nor did they imagine that eating an entire box of Hamburger Helper was proper nutrition. In essence, they ate to live and work. Food was not nearly as social as it is now and they didn't spend half of their day thinking about what was for dinner.......my how things have changed and how these changing times have caused our waistlines to change!

So on to my rant - I'm just tired. I feel like the gym isn't paying off....I know it is because I feel better.....but today I don't care about feeling better or health benefits or longevity or endurance or any of that bullshit........today I want to be skinny - I want to put my pants back on and not feel them pulling against my thighs......I want to not be self conscious and I want to weigh 10 pounds less!! DAMNIT - suddenly I am snapped back into reality and I remember that when I was 10 pounds less, I still wanted to be 10 pounds less........the difference in then and now is that now I don't take anti-depressants, now I work hard and feel like a rockstar when i leave the gym, now I can boast about my kicking ass with the weights, now I can feel my muscles burn and not think that my body has self combusted! So I still can't just sit down and eat without thought but at least when I do overdo it, I know I can head straight to my new found lover, Gym, and he will make it better - not okay but better!

Now that I'm finished being crybaby Barbie, I want to head back in the direction of what started this whole thing. Last night, after literally having to drag my ass into the gym for a hard workout, I was starved. I needed something and based on my past experiences, I knew that sweaty jello was not a good thing! I stopped at the drugstore to see if I could find my favorite low carb bar (Snickers Marathon - yummo!) but they didn't have any.....I started hunting around for the next best thing and was torn between a curves bar and a fiber one bar......I hate spending calories on those things.....I just don't feel like I'm getting any real substance for my calories. Tonight was no different.....I opted for the Curve bar because it was only a 100 calories and I really wanted to eat dinner when I got home.........all I can say is wimpy - I wasn't impressed.......it was okay but for 100 calories i wanted substance and something that was slightly filling - I noticed on the package that it said fiber to keep you full - okay??? I wasn't full but maybe my idea of full is skewed?? Not sure but next time I'm going to stop at the grocery store and pick up an apple or something. I hate wasting valuable calories on "wimpy" foods. I say that and feel like my dad when he used to tell me as a kid, "you have no idea of the value of a dollar until you have had to work for it!!"......yeah, I feel that way now...."I had no idea the value of 100 calories until I had to work for it!!".........it took me 20 minutes of weights to work off that crappy bar - damn, now I'm mad again!

But I'm a PRINCESS Damn'it!

Thanksgiving week is upon us girls!! Woohoo - I love Thanksgiving but could do without my birthday......especially since it won't be at the spa, which was how I originally planned to spend the day! Rather than a massage and facial I will be frying a turkey in the freezing cold, with my husband's family.........that is one of the problems with having a birthday right around a major holiday. It doesn't matter what YOU want to do, everything/everybody's plans supercede your day. Literally, one year for my birthday (it was on Thanksgiving that year), my stepmom got me a pumpkin pie instead of a cake! Come on - I was like 7 years old.......what an idiot! Okay enough ranting about my birthday, on to important things like food intake and exercise and weight loss challenges!

First I'll start by saying that I did good calorie wise over the weekend but only because I just wasn't in the mood to eat....I nibbled here and there, ate a meal of two but for the most part I just wasn't into it. I think it is my mental freak out about how much crap I will consume at Thanksgiving??

Exercise was good - hit the gym on Friday and Saturday. To tell you all how emotional I have been (thanks to fake hormones)....I was in my step class on Saturday, puffy and pitiful. I didn't feel good and I had a major case of "I'm a Princess" - basially that is a nice way of putting - I was acting like a major tit bag.....I know you're all saying, grow up Barbie - "but damnit I'm a princess and I don't have to" was my motto for the morning. So I drug my puffy, princess, period ass to the step class - all the while thinking - I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! Not a good way to get you mentally ready for a challenging class at the gym. I was dressed in my baggies capris and XL t-shirt - barely brushed hair and teeth. Basically I just showed up. I setup my step with 2 risers, assuming that it would be our normal class............WRONG - can you say step aerobics on speed!! Newsflash - Mambo and ChaCha are dance moves - do I look like a freaking dancer.......uh, obviously not! The instructor (who was there when I fell off my bike in spin class) saw my step and mentioned that maybe I should go to one riser - huh, but I'm Bitchin' Gym Barbie - one riser - HA! I scoff at one riser.......insert smug laugh here! The music starts and it doesn't take me long to realize that Theresa has shaken up her routine a bit........this isn't 3 minute intervals of weights and step - this isn't take a break and grab some water - this isn't basic moves with a few twists - F' NO - this is full on, frontal nudity, balls to the walls, fifth gear baby! 15 minutes into it and I am already feeling the sweat run down my legs, into my socks and shoes! GROSS! Suddenly the sweat stains start appearing on my shirt - dear God - I look like I'm sweating off a 2 day drunk - poor Theresa (instructor) keeps looking back at me with fear - but what is she going to do at this point. "Excuse me class......Stephanie thought she was a bitchin' barbie and obviously set herself up for failure so we're going to have to take it down a notch or two!"....that wasn't going to work so she ramped it up. Actually I did great until the last 8 minute interval and at that point I was dying.....literally - a bit lightheaded and stumbling around. I didn't want a replay of the tripping/pants ripping so I decided to keep my feet moving but not in the such a fast motion! I'm proud to report that I made it through though........with all of my barbie body parts still intact!

Tonight I need to hit some weights.........I'm going to work hard and go in with a plan because I really just want to work through it and get home to start the bakefest!! Before I leave the gym, I have to weigh in for their annual "Holiday NO Gain" challenge. Truthfully, I'm afraid - of what I don't know?? Short circuiting maybe? Not that the seeing the number on the scale make is more or less than it acutally is but sometimes ignorance is bliss?? So if you don't hear from me over the next few days, maybe you should check the local jails or the paper - headlines could read - Barbie Bitch Goes Mad and Hurls Scale Through Plate Glass, Gym Window!

BTW - Blueberry Salad Recipe is coming next!

Something to be thankful for!

So yesterday I woke up so swollen that I could barely get shoes on. My usually lose pants felt tight and binding so I was basically a Barbie bitch all day. I went from crazy crying spells to furious vents of anger.......it was not a pretty day in Barbie land. In fact, it got so bad that I totally blew off the gym and just went home. I didn't eat bad but I really struggled to make myself eat something during the day. I contemplated all kinds of crazy diet tricks to shake the 5 pounds I had gained over the last few days.....I was basically irrational for most of the day. Fast forward to after work and you will see Barbie sitting on the floor in front of YET ANOTHER pregnancy test, praying that maybe, by some chance that was what the problem was.......ummmmm, NO - not that I didn't already know that since I had taken 3 in the last 2 weeks but it upset me so the water works started up again. God poor my poor Ken was ragged from all the work (holidays in retail SUCK), house renovations, packing, moving boxes, carpet installs and now his Barbie bride was standing in front of him totally dissolved about the fact that she would never be pretty enough, smart enough, good enough - you name it, I wasn't enough of it - well except for fat enough! The poor guy tried so hard to console me, make me laugh, hell he even tried to muster up some tears to shed with me.......NOTHING worked! I finally wound up burying myself in housework and then curled in bed with a book.

I got up this morning, dug around for shoes and clothes because my house is completely upside down still and headed into the office. I was still cursing TOM and the fertility gods because for whatever reason, my body can't cooperate and the f'ing hormones didn't seem to causing the artificial response that they were supposed to.......I pulled into the office dressed from head to toe in black - I looked like the corpse bride of Johnny Cash and to be completely honest with you, after yesterday I doubted anyone would speak to me anyway! Long story short, I was really really feeling rotten and bloated and just ick........feeling like that with no real explanation sucks so I was being pitiful. Not for long though - hallelujah TOM showed up!! I have never in my life been so excited to have Flo knock on my door. Now granted, the bitch hasn't been around for a while so she probably isn't going to be the nicest house guest but I don't care - I am so thankful for her appearance that I'm shouting it from the rooftops and telling everyone via my blog........okay after analyzing that last statement I'm thinking I may have really been scarred by this whole fertility problem??!! I will assure you all that I am not going to use this as my "what I'm thankful for" at the Thansgiving table - I'll have to come up with something else less exciting for that event!

I didn't exercise last night but I'm going to kick ass tonight! I also haven't weighed lately because I'm really trying to focus on important things like muscle and health BUT I have to weigh in at the gym on Monday for a "no gain" challenge that the gym is doing.......I'm thinking this will be great incentive for me to keep up the workouts and stay out of the candy dish? Actually, I'm not so worried about the food part but more about slacking on my exercise due to parties, family stuff, shopping, etc.

Oh, BTW - anyone ever heard of Blueberry Salad?? It is a family favorite in my house and I have come up with a points friendly version - I'll post it in a bit! It is sooooo yummy and typically what I eat for dessert (although MIL serves it with dinner). HUGS to all!

Wonderful Wednesday - uhhh, maybe not?!

So I'm trying to keep my attitude in check but the day is already wearing on me. Things have been really busy at work and at home. They are installing carpet in my money pit of a house today so EVERYTHING is upside down. Let me just say that getting up and having to dig for clothes/shoes to go to work in was not my idea of a fun way to start the day! I just keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it in the end!

Hmmmm, on to bigger and better things....like Thanksgiving!! Have I mentioned that it is my favorite holiday of the year??? I love Thanksgiving and the time with my family. This year we are actually spending Thanksgiving with my family - it will be a first as we normally are with the in-laws but they decided to go camping this year. That is when I said - NO - not spending Thanksgiving eating spam out of a can in a freaking tent - NO WAY!!! So we compromised and now I get to spend my birthday eating spam out of a can (my b-day is the day after Thanksgiving this year)......guess I'll survive it and chalk it up to the way my birthday usually ends up. You know I love my husband and he is great but he doesn't care about birthdays. He will ask me a thousand times what I want to do but I don't want to have to plan my birthday.......hell I have to plan everyone elses so why can't someone plan mine??? Again, there are far worse things that could happen so I should stop complaining.

On the food front - I'm trying to stick to more frequent, smaller meals and I'm doing okay I guess?? Actually today I feel like I've gained 10 pounds and I'm convinced that my clothes are too tight but I'm trying to remember that this bloat caused by the hormones that the doc has been pumping me full of. If I'm not careful I'm gonna end up like one of Bo Pilgrims fat yellow chickens!

I'm off to finish up my plan of attack for Thanksgiving - I have a ton to cook and I have to make sure that I'm prepared to eat too.........my usual method has been to take 3 bites of everything that I want - you only remember the first and last bite anyway - the second bite is so I can feel like I'm cheating a bit! That really worked well for me last few years so I may stick with that theory......the problem is desserts - I LOVE pumpkin cheesecake and can never get out of making one - it's really hard to pour that much of yourself into a dessert and not eat it!

All right girls - gotta run. Have a great rest of the week.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Here I sit on a Monday afternoon - finally getting to blog. It has been a crazy day complete with marathon budget meeting and not enough time to get it all done BUT I have had breakfast and lunch today so I can't complain. In fact over the weekend I have done better. I wish that I could say I had been perfect and really stayed the course but I did manage to get some breakfast in both days and some lunch. I'm still struggling with the eating dinner too late but you have to start somewhere right?

I just want to say thanks to all of you for your comments and opinions......even the strong ones (Swizzle - I love you for your honestly and I soooo needed a good kick in the ass, so thanks!). I have really tried to spend some time soul searching this weekend and I've come to some interesting conclusions. Because this blog is no longer private (see my post about Ken reading up on me) I can't post some things. Not to mention posting them won't change them so it's better left unsaid. The things that I can talk about are the "challenges" that I need to face which are things like my lack of goals right now. I am a goal setter and I work so much better when I have a plan. For some reason I have really fallen off that wagon. Forgive me if this sounds vain but I am destined for greatness - I told you, sorry but I really do feel like I have a divine purpose and I know that there are things holding me back. When I say things, I mean things that I can't change (people basically) so the only thing I can do is change my approach and my perception of the situation........that is where I need to get more focused. Instead of whining about things that I don't like or things that I can't change I'm going to start focusing on what I can change and how I view things. Again, don't know when I lost this ability??? I could go through the whole host of action items that I have for myself and detail out my plan but you don't need to hear it.......just know that it's there and I'm working it and keep loving/supporting me - I NEED it!

On to what I'm learning and what I would offer up to anyone losing weight or facing any tough challenge..............make gradual, balanced adjustments - what I mean by that is, there is so much more to weight loss than just clothing sizes and numbers on the scale. You can eat good, eat bad, exercise, not exercise, count points, drink water and blah, blah, blah but if you don't change the real issues then you continue spinning in that vicious cycle. Weight, size, appearance is only a cover up for the real issue.......I've always known that but for some reason I got lazy and stopped really listening to myself. I got busy listening to everything else and everyone else telling me what I needed to be doing......not anymore though. I know what to do and I'm back to doing it. Thanks again for all your support.....Friday was a really low day but knowing that you guys were out there cheering for me made all the difference in the weekend!

I heart you all!

Facing Facts....I'm back where I started....

Hi all. Let me start by saying that this post isn't a vent or a bitch session or a pity party. It is the cold hard truth and it's something that I need to admit to myself. I need to fess up and face the facts......then I need to fix it. I know that I don't have to go back in time for you all but I need to put this down for me so forgive my selfishness and let me reflect for just a few.

It started last night when I began reading a book by Oprah called "Make The Connection". In this book she publishes entries from her journal and is very candid about her love for food and hatred for herself. I was completely absorbed in her writing and (not unlike a zillion other self help books have done for me)a light turned on. The "AHA" moment set in and I started reflecting on where I am and where I've been......being honest with yourself isn't easy and can be quite humiliating. Even now it makes me cry - sitting here typing with tears rolling down my face because of my wacked out food issues. My inability to just be semi-normal when it comes to life, exercise, food and my relationship with all 3. I keep going over the same question - I'm at the gym 5 or 6 times a week but I'm not losing - I'm asking this rhetorical question more to make myself feel better than anything. I KNOW why my pants are still tight and it isn't because my ass lifted - I'm totally compensating for my exercise because of my eating habits. Now I will say that honestly, I track everything and there hasn't been one day in the last 5 weeks when I have peaked over 1800 calories and according to FitDay, I am burning 2400 to 3400 calories a day (depending on exercise) so what is the problem......well here goes. In all it ugly, humiliating, disgusting glory - here it is - the truth.

The truth is - God why is this so hard to confess - that I rarely eat during the day......I try, I really really try and sometimes I succeed in getting a salad or some cottage cheese, especially before a workout but other than that I save up all my calories for dinner - I know it's sick. This happened over the last few months, slowly evolving into what I feel like could be considered some kind eating disorder. My routine is workout - head home - pack lunches & gym bag - cook family's dinner for the next day - wash my face - put on my pajamas - take my Melatonin and then fix myself something to eat. When my dinner is done at around 10:00, I take it to the table or the bedroom (a place where I don't have to deal with anyone) and I eat in peace and quiet or in front of the tv. The problem with this is a) because I am starving I eat way too much - thus why I have to wear my pajamas to eat - b) I don't eat bad food, hell I don't even go out to eat so you can imagine how much cauliflower and egg whites one would have to consume to hit 1400 calories (I do get my milk, cottage cheese, protein shakes in so that helps) - c) I eat and then immediately pour a glass of milk and then go to bed because by that time I can barely hold my eyes open thanks to the medicine. So because I go to bed on a full stomach and after having a huge glass of water then milk - I am up 3 or 4 times a night and usually at some point will have an apple or something like that. So that is the physical aspect of it but the mental part is even worse.......I'm like a junkie, every single day I think I'll do better and every single day I fail. I eat when I'm not hungry because I feel entitled - it is my reward for not eating all day (in fact I'm generally not hungry during the day so it isn't like I'm suffering). Somehow my dinner has moved from physical nourishment to emotional nourishment....I eat alone and somehow have associated that with "me" time - I get excited at the prospect of actually eating dinner because it isn't time that I have to deal with anything......why can't my time at the gym serve as "me" time - partly because I'm doing it because I feel obligated due to my declining health habits - with food there are no strings attached - nothing is expected or required. The husband is busy doing his thing , the kid is in bed and thus there is no one requesting anything, passing judgement or even speaking to me.........basically no one is watching and I can eat until I pass out......this is really no different from my old eating habits but now I chose to binge on healthy food - well guess what sister, healthy food will make you fat too!

I know all the tricks of the trade and I really thought that I had nipped this in the bud......I thought that this demon was dead and gone - I was the new and improved Stephanie - I was a Barbie - I was okay with who I was and I didn't need food........I think I got too comfortable, I let little things come back into play and I let them slide until now I have a full blown issue AGAIN. I wish I could say that I wasn't conscious of my decisions to eat so much but I am. Every time I sit down to eat I think "listen to your body" "being stuffed feels horrible" - but it doesn't take long for me to shut that bitch up and shove her in the back of the closet, allowing the food monster to come out.

People see pictures of me smiling and tell me what an inspiration I am.....if they only knew the truth. The struggle, the heartache, the burden, the beatdown it is.......then they would know that I am failing - rebelling - jumping off the wagon and the sucky part is that for all my failures, I'm not even enjoying shit that I love like mexican food and ice cream - I'm wasting my failures on fucking cauliflower and green beans!! I can't even fail properly!!!

So now that I've written that all down, I feel better - okay not really, I feel like shit but I have to suck it up and move on. So I have decided on a plan - as bad as I hate frozen dinners that's where I'm headed. I think a week of frozen meals will help me get my portions under control, make it easy for me to eat right after the gym (no eating so late) and take the stress out of food. I really really really need a break from carrying this baggage around......I've never seen a headline about a women going mental over food but I could potentially start that trend. I'm tired of crying over egg whites and failure and stressing about carrot sticks and calories.....I feel like a prisoner - I feel like a damn maniac half the time. I want to get back to living my life and living includes eating like a normal person. I don't want to look in the mirror and see a failure anymore - I want to be honest with myself - no more obsessing about my pannus or sodium intake. Your health is 90% diet and 10% exercise - I'm going to get my diet back on track, not to lose this 15 pounds but to find me again.

Thanks for listening and for being there in blogland.

Caution - Jello is a choking hazard and plastic knives will cut your lips!

I'm sure that you are all wondering what in the hell I was on when I titled this post but both warnings are true......oh so true! Let me start out by saying that I'm glad you all love me otherwise I would never be able to actually admit this. In fact, I still can't believe that I'm going to recount the events that took place in the dark, secrecy of my car but hell if you can’t share your drama with friends then who can you share it with.

It started last night when I was driving home from spin class and realized that I could possibly DIE from hunger. I made the mistake of not eating enough during the day to compensate for the total ass kicking that my instructor was going to shell out so I was famished. I stopped at the convenient store but really…..short of eating a candy bar or a weinee wrapped in an egg roll wrapper (someone please explain that logic to me??) I was screwed. Now just last week I said, hunger isn’t an emergency BUT in this case IT WAS! I really came so close to caving and stopping at a fast food restaurant but then I thought that I would end up eating something and feeling such guilt over it that it just wouldn’t be worth it. So there I sat with an hour drive ahead of me, in the dark, with nothing but a giant bottle of water and a few sour mints at the bottom of my purse.

I did okay for about half the commute………listened to the radio, made a call to my dad (who didn’t answer) and made mental lists in my head. Before long the list making turned from “things to do” to “things to eat”…….bad news! I began rummaging through the smorgasbord of crap that was in my car (yeah, I commute 4 hours a day so I always have empty bottles, makeup, cd’s, newspapers, etc. in the floor of my car – it is my home away from home) and my fingers grazed across something that felt oddly familiar……..hmmmmm, reaching back and nearly dislocating my shoulder I struggled to pull the treasure chest from the floor. Must reach it…stretch Barbie…damn why couldn’t I have been Stretch Armstrong instead of Barbie??? After what seemed like hours of maneuvering, honks, tires screeching, swerving all over the road and numerous unkind gestures I was able to reach my prize. What do you think I pulled out?? 2 handi-snack sugar free jellos………WOOHOO – hell with the level of euphoria that was running through me you would have thought that I had just pulled out a t-bone steak! So with jello in hand I begin to anticipate eating them…..this isn’t going to be easy though….but then again, nothing worth having is easy, right? My first clue should have been the fact that the foil on top had to be ripped off with my teeth….classy, I know. So here I sit driving 70 miles an hour ripping off foil tops with my teeth……sounds like a country song! Next question – geez Barbie, how ya gonna eat that??? Hmmm, think, think – I thought of my drinking days and jello shots. Just run your finger around the rim and slurp it down – the problem is that this cup o’ jello isn’t the size of a shot – it’s a lot of freaking wiggly jello but still I run my finger around the rim of the jello (at that point I realized that not only was jello kind of runny at room temperature but it would also stain your finger a lovely shade of red). I loosen the jello and begin my slurping……damn, it’s stuck – tell me, how the hell does jello stick to anything??? Old people and babies eat jello – it isn’t allowed to “stick” to shit! I slurp again……..now I’m getting pissed off – I’m convinced that f’ing Bill Cosby is playing a cruel joke with his jello products – one more slurp and this time I’m making it count……..yeah, guess you could say that I free’d said jello and managed to suck it down my windpipe…….guess the shit doesn’t really stick after all! So picture Barbie in her crappy red Impala (ken did fix my flappy plastic piece on the door finally), driving through town at 60 miles an hour, swerving, coughing, sputtering and choking on jello. I can see the headlines now – Women dies from asphyxiation caused by jello……..wouldn’t my family be proud! After what seemed like hours I was able to clear my throat and suspend the coughing fits – it was at that point that I decided slurping jello could be hazardous to your health so I had to find another way to eat my other cup. After rummaging around in my purse I found a plastic knife (don’t ask why in the hell I have cutlery in my purse – long story). I commence to peel back the foil lid with my teeth, sip off the jello juice (it’s room temperature and evidently jello sweats…….ewwww, okay that was gross) and cut my jello into sections with my plastic knife (in my head I’m thinking, of all days to not have the proper utensils it would jello day!). I neatly cut my jello into quarters and tried to “scoop” it out with a knife – yeah right, smart one, I know. The first quarter fell into my lap – once again there was swerving and near death experiences – the second quarter made it closer to my mouth but I think part of it is buried in the crack of my seat?? I finally began using the knife to shovel it in past my lips – really after almost choking on one cup and losing half the other one all I wanted to do was taste the f’ing jello!! Is that too much to ask……damn it!

In the end I walked away with stained fingers and cuts on my lips from the plastic knife but damnit I got to eat half a cup of jello……moral of the story – really hunger isn’t an emergency and yes, it is possible to die eating jello while injuring yourself with plastic cutlery. So…….anyone have any ideas on how to get the jello stains off my fingers???

My Strange 7

1. I met my husband when I was 15 and we worked together. We basically couldn’t stand each other; although, he doesn’t recall things quite that way……….I’m telling you – we despised each other. To top that, I was at his first wedding with the best man and the best man from his first wedding was who re-introduced and became the best man in our wedding! I know – bizarre – you should see the looks that we get when they see pictures of me as a guest at his first wedding and as a bride at his second!!

2. I am a list maker but I am notorious for getting completely off track and only accomplishing a couple of things from my list. This wonderful trait comes from my mother and drives my family nuts!

3. I LOVE to cook and bake – the holidays are a favorite time for me because it gives me an opportunity to cook and give it all away!

4. I LOVE to sing and have actually made some demo tracks. I used to sing a lot on the weekends at churches, weddings, funerals, etc. but really don’t have a lot of time for it anymore. Music is something that seems to speak to the very depths of my soul and when I have the opportunity to really sit and enjoy it I like to just soak it all up.

5. My baby kitty cat, Kali is really a princess!! Oh how I love that cat…….no idea that I would ever turn into a cat person but she has absolutely stolen my heart.

6. When I was a kid I wanted to be a missionary to Africa……I know, bizarre???

7. At one point during my weight loss I thought it would be smart to wear one of those sauna suits – aka black trashbag outfit – while doing a Tae Bo video. Bad idea……..it took a pair of scissors and a few bandages to get me out of that damn thing. Who knew that black vinyl good actually adhere to your skin like that???

Well I would tag people but I’m thinking that this thing has made the rounds so if you haven’t posted bizarre, strange facts about yourself as of yet – then GET TO IT!!

Profound Moment and Surgery Decision

Maybe I should be ashamed to admit this but I am someone who can have one of those Allelujah moments while watching a prime-time soap/tv show.......that is precisely what happened to me on Wednesday night. So here's the story and how it all happened.........Halloween was over, hubby was working and kid was in bed. I sit down on the sofa to eat some dinner while turning on the TV - I know this is a bad habit but in this case it proved helpful. I'm scrolling through the 97 hours of Spongebob that we have recorded (why in the hell do I pay $100 a month for cable only to have MY favorite shows ousted by a talking sponge running around in his underwear!!!) and find Private Practice. Now before I really get into it, let me say that I have really been struggling with my body. To say that I resemble a Gumby doll that was placed too close to the furnace is an understatement. It's bad - not as bad as it could be but bad. Bad to the point of being paranoid that someone might actually see me without my clothes on (namely my husband) - I cringe when he runs his hands over parts of my body because, inspite of my neurotic visits to the gym and some improved muscle tone, the flapping, sagging pannus that I carry around ain't leaving!

Okay - back to my moment.......Addison (the doctor)is talking to a woman who to the normal onlooker has a perfect life - she has a great husband, they want to have kids, she is happy, she is young and she is in love BUT she has just found out that she is going to eventually die - some genetic thing?? The woman freaks out and bails on her husband, her dreams, her future of having children and when the doc finally talks to her she proceeds to explain that everyone has a right to their life. Okay so now you're like WTF Barbie - get a grip but I really started thinking about it. We all deserve to have our life......we deserve to be happy.....we deserve to have what we want (as long as it is within reason and we are willing to work for it). I am about to be 29 in 3 weeks and I can't remember ONE TIME in my whole life where I looked at my body in the mirror and was happy - before it was weight, now it is skin, always something. I have worked so hard and yet I'm still not satisfied so - I've decided, I mean really decided, that after we have a baby I'm getting the skin removed. I don't care anymore about what people will think or finances or recovery or any of that crap - I'm doing it for me because I deserve it. I've worked hard, I've fought, I've failed, I've rallied and I've succeeded........now I want my freaking payoff!! I'm still neurotic and a tad mental about the whole let's be healthy thing - it will probably always be work for me to stay sane and healthy but damnit, I want my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - I deserve everything that life has for me so I'm taking it!

I think that same theory should apply to all of us regardless of where we are in our diet walks.......we should leave it all on the table and take what is ours. What is ours you ask??? Health, life, vitality, love, self confidence and the pursuit of happiness, damnit!! If we take anything less than those things out of our life then we have failed ourselves - we haven't truly lived our life! We all struggle and fall apart, our lives sometimes take wicked turns and lead us down paths that we would rather not trod but in the end WE have to take control - so that is what I'm doing. I have the power to change things.....I am working on it feverishly and I think one little, itty, bitty part of my brain actually might be figuring out that I don't have to eat like it is my last meal, at every freaking meal! Roni says "hunger isn't an emergency".........wow, who'd a thunk it!!

Okay, stepping off my soapbox.....I need to hurry and have a baby Barbie so I can get my surgery and get on with living my life!! On the day 4 of the eating challenge - hmmm, yesterday was a bit of a bust - felt bad, slept and hung around soup for the most part. I did manage to really reel myself in when I wanted to get up and eat all night so YEAH for me!! Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are "living" your life!

I found cheap (calorie/point wise) chocolate & update on SIL...

Okay so I need to update on day 2 & 3 of the eating challenge but I'm skipping straight to the good stuff - you know what I'm talking about - the reason that you all are still reading this......CHOCOLATE!! Not just chocolate but points friendly chocolate!! I've actually had them before but my healthfood store quit carrying them so I had to go online and order them - they are called Chocolite and you can order them at www.healthsmartfoods.com - now I'm not going to lie to you, they are a little pricey but they are really good and 1 point for 2 pieces of chewy, nutty, chocolatey candy. So in my quest to buy candy, I also found 1 point protein bars - I'm talking 10 grams of fiber and 9 grams of protein - what the heck!!! All of that for 100 calories??? My theory was if they were only a 100 calories then they must taste like brown colored cardboard, right?? WRONG again........they were really good and filling - which is suprising since my appetite resembles the Grand Canyon on most days. I also ordered their milkshake mix which is 20 calories and 6 grams of fiber for a serving.......shake that up in 8 ounces of soy milk and 4 ounces of water - WOW!! I don't think I've been this happy since Bon Jovi's last stop in Dallas!! Seriously, you all should check out your healthfood stores and see if they carry this stuff, if not, maybe you could start a petition??

On to the boring junk - eating was okay yesterday but I didn't get to go to the gym due to Halloween so I was a little off. Not to mention, I started feeling sick and then I got my snazzy chocolate in the mail - that is just a recipe for disaster!! I did good though - I held on and stayed at about 1550 calories for the day - the problem is still that I eat when I'm not hungry. It's like my brain is in such a habit of eating dinner before bed that even if I'm not hungry I can't sleep if I don't eat. This is what warped eating patterns get you.......seriously screwed up mental disorders regarding food and how it relates to EVERYTHING. So now I have to decide - eat and sleep - or no eat and no sleep??? Again, just one of the many things that I need to work on. All I can say is that I am working on it......I do great all day and then cave at home - I'm thinking maybe I should get my jaws wired shut??

I really need to hit spin class tonight because I missed last night and I'm going to miss tomorrow but I don't know......I really don't feel so hot. I think I'm working on getting a cold or sinus infection, yuck!

One last thing before I go back into insanity land.......thank you all so much for the prayers for my family and sister in law. I honestly can feel the support through your comments and emails and it means so much. The advice and encouragement have been unmeasurable and I can't thank you all enough! My SIL did meet with her Oncologist on Tuesday and they are going to change the recipe up a bit - of course they won't do anything for a few weeks because her platelets are dangerously low AGAIN! They did remind her that she will never be cured......it won't go away. Evidently the next conversation that she had was with her 10 year old daughter - she had to explain that at some point in the future, there would be nothing left to do but cherish every moment and try to stay comfortable - basically, she is terminal.....this isn't the flu or a surgery - without a miracle, she will die - how the heck do you explain that to your child??? I am praying for a miracle - I am believing for one and I know that you all are pulling for her too. Thank you again! I {{{HEART}}} you all!