This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Monday, September 17, 2007

Do You Ever Wonder WHY????

So after my Friday weigh in I was sooooo excited - I mean literally, I felt my pants get too big right away! Suddenly my fat jeans that I had been hanging on to for dear life were doomed for the trashcan.......now mind you these are the jeans that were the epitomy of Linus' security blanket off of Charlie Brown - but now suddenly, they were not worthy to cover my somewhat smaller ass! So I got in an hour of weights and hit the bingo hall with the in-laws! Yeah, I know, great way to celebrate my success - a smoky room full of old ladies screaming BINGO, not to mention the lovely scent that cigarette smoke and stale grease leaves on you........yuck! Of course in my excitement I told the MIL that my life had improved because I finally saw the scale move - she congratulated me but did remind me that my life is not based on the scale - she has no idea how wrong she is!!

Saturday was the step/weights class - it was fun but exhausting.........I didn't know that one person could sweat like that - now this is where I say WHY??? Why is it that I have a good weigh in and I automatically think I can indulge.......now I wasn't BAD BAD but I know that excess carbs/starch just doesn't work for me.......so what do I do - hmmmmm, consume 2 huge bowls of popcorn, a piece of cake (well 2 if you count the middle that I picked at before I iced it - I had to double my icing batch to cover the hole that I dug in the damn cake!!), too much fruit (I limit myself to 1 serving a day, on a normal day - I was far from "normal" over the weekend) and too much eating because I should. When I say "eating because I should" I mean that because all I had on Sunday was a sugarfree snowcone and popcorn, I ate even when I wasn't hungry........eating isn't bad but what I should have done is had a real meal rather than shoveling in handfulls of popcorn. All in all, I didn't go over in points really but I just made crappy choices. I was less choosy than I should have been and I have really been trying to be picky about what I put into my body - I want to fuel my body the right way rather than picking through crap just because.

So back to my question, WHY do I get that mindset after a good weigh in - like I can trick the scale or tempt fate........hmmmm let's see just how much i can get away with??? I'm not beating myself up because I am still really excited about my loss but I just wish that rather than always looking at my life as a diet of some sort, I could just see it as a way of life. I long to be the girl who just eats to live.......you know - food isn't a big deal to her..........to me, food is a part of who I am. I love to cook, I love to eat and I have no stop button. I will say that last night I did stop eating before I felt gross and over full - that was a huge change from my normal routine! The only thing that I really know is that I learn something new about myself almost every day - just when I think I have it figured out something changes - WTH!!

Today I'm totally back on track - getting back to work is always good for me! BTW - thank you all for the congrats and for being so supportive......few people really understand how insane the scale can make you!! I (((HEART))) you all!

7 comments:

Swizzlepop said...

I wish I had an answer for you but you already know what I have done. As long as you learn something from it I think it's good. And like you said, today is Monday and a new week. So now that we both have 5 lbs to lose we have to promise to stay on top of how we are doing. Kinda like a double butt kick. I know we can do it! Especially since you are kicking ass at the gym. I need to use that as my motivator too. Barbie twin powers...WE WILL LOSE THESE LAST FEW POUNDS!!! :)

Amanda said...

I'm with swizzle on this one. As long as you learn something from it, you will be fine. I think everyone who has a big loss somehow kinda does that. It's a sick thing we do, but hey, at least you know you are normal! :)

I do believe the maternity clothes are coming out tomorrow. I have to leave the house tomorrow...can't go anywhere with my pants unbuttoned! :) The stork WILL visit you, I know this. It's just a matter of when.

Candace said...

Why? Like why would I buy a full-fat cheesy seafood lasagna without hardly any seafood in it and eat half of it? Why? Why? Why?

Looked up the points today. Bad, Bad, Bad - all I can say is, Wendie better come to the rescue. I estimated 19 points OVER on a day I was sick because I picked at CRAP. At least YOU made healthy choices.

Candace said...

POPCORN, Pffft - Why didn't I think of that?

MMalloy said...

Thanks for the sweet comment yesterday Steph, it means a lot to hear!
You are a changing person, we are all learning new things together. It's hard not to reward ourselves with what we are avoiding everyday. I think as long as 90% of the time we are making healthy OP choices, we are doing what is right.
You really are living a healthy lifestyle, even if it does feel like a diet right now. Don't be too hard on yourself, just like last Friday, you will see the results if you stay focused and do what you know is right!!!
((((HUGS)))

Greta & Gurdy said...

I TOTALLY understand what you went through here.....I have done that so many times, indulged after a great scale victory. And its always been after a milestone of some sort- 10%, 25 lbs, a loss after weeks and weeks of no loss. I have never been able to figure out why I do it......because I lost it once I know I can again? Because I want to see what I can "get away with"? I have no idea...but if you figure it out let me know :)

NCChris said...

I wonder this all the time and live in constant fear of doing it! It's like we are convinced that we are "supposed" to be fat and that it's some self-fulfilling prophecy of something! Hey, if we figure out a "cure" for this, want to patent it??? W ecould make a bajillion dollars!
-Chris