Let me start with a disclaimer about this post - I am not falling off the wagon or even feeling down on myself. I just needed to get this out and know if others ever go through this.......just chalk this up to a barbie fit and know that some days I just get lazy and tired!
Last night I was driving to the gym, sleepy from a long night and cranky from too much drama at work. I was thinking that there are days when I just hate living healthy. Now maybe you don't ever feel this way and if you don't, consider yourself lucky. I, on the other hand, find myself romanticizing the past and how I used to eat. It is very easy for me to recall the days when I would go to a hockey game and stuff my face full of sausage, peanuts, beer - only to get home crawl into bed and sleep off the greasefest that was my dinner. I remember those times and how much fun my friends and I had. How life was so uncomplicated because there was no gym, no multiple grocery store stops during the week, no chopping of vegetables and planning of meals. It was a burger and fries, a bag of candy, a tub of popcorn. The insane thing is that my life seems more consumed by food now than it did then........maybe I shouldn't say food but rather health.
Some days I feel abnormal - I don't eat at fast food restaurants. It is a pact I made with myself a long time ago and it is just something I don't break - it's a line in the sand that I don't cross. The problem is that "normal" people eat a burger occasionally or an order of fries. "Normal" people don't starve all the way through a hockey game and then get home, dead tired, only to cook a complete meal for themselves - no AB-normal people do this kind of stuff. Normal people do not calculate exactly how many calories is in each Mike & Ike and purposely only eat 4 because they are 6 calories a piece - I didn't want to waste good calories on candy that I don't really even like!
So last night I was thinking about the good ole' days - about bacon cheeseburgers and m&m's and baked potatoes at 3 in the morning. Tubs of movie popcorn and extra butter. I thought of holidays and snacking at my desk. I thought catered in lunches and fast food. I got this warm feeling in my heart - like I was remembering an old friend whom I had lost contact with. Oh how I missed him/her - the good times that we had - the love that we shared and the comfort that he/she brought to my life. Suddenly I'm at the gym and as quickly as my reminiscing started it ended - suddenly I was faced with the truth of the past. The inability to breathe, fit into a booth, buckle a seat belt. The endless teasing, the feeling of weakness and self loathing. The absolute hatred I had for myself and my 400 pound girth, so much that I stopped looking in the mirror. The endless comments like, you have such a pretty face - if only you would lose weight and feeling like no one ever saw ME for who I was - only for my appearance.
Again, I am plummeted to the present - sitting in front of the gym, complete with sweatband, water bottle and the knowledge that I am fixing to drag my raggedy butt in there and bust it. Knowing that I'll get home and go through the same routine - fixing dinner, lunches, re-packing the gym bag, etc. I also know that I'll get up in the morning look in the mirror and smile at what I see - I'll know that my body is healthy and strong. That I will be alive to see my grandchildren and hopefully their children. That people are inspired by my story (or at least I hope that I can inspire someone) and that what I really miss about my old life is the comfort that I found in the food - truth be told, I don't even remember what a bacon cheeseburger tastes like and I probably wouldn't like one now since I don't eat meat. What I miss is the sense of fulfillment that I got after I ate that crap, of being whole and okay.
Suddenly I realize what I love about the gym - it is that same sense of fulfillment that I get after I push it, of being whole and okay. My brain suddenly catches up to my body and it clicks, if only for a moment. Every ounce of work that I have poured into revamping my life has been worth it.....every extra push, every tear, every hardship has produced a victory in some form or another. Every failure and mis-step has made me who I am - who and where I am was not created by a cheeseburger or pizza; therefore, these things are not necessary for me to continue to shape my future.
This last epiphany makes me realize that I don't miss my old life so much after all....????