This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Sometimes I MISS My Old Life!

Let me start with a disclaimer about this post - I am not falling off the wagon or even feeling down on myself. I just needed to get this out and know if others ever go through this.......just chalk this up to a barbie fit and know that some days I just get lazy and tired!

Last night I was driving to the gym, sleepy from a long night and cranky from too much drama at work. I was thinking that there are days when I just hate living healthy. Now maybe you don't ever feel this way and if you don't, consider yourself lucky. I, on the other hand, find myself romanticizing the past and how I used to eat. It is very easy for me to recall the days when I would go to a hockey game and stuff my face full of sausage, peanuts, beer - only to get home crawl into bed and sleep off the greasefest that was my dinner. I remember those times and how much fun my friends and I had. How life was so uncomplicated because there was no gym, no multiple grocery store stops during the week, no chopping of vegetables and planning of meals. It was a burger and fries, a bag of candy, a tub of popcorn. The insane thing is that my life seems more consumed by food now than it did then........maybe I shouldn't say food but rather health.

Some days I feel abnormal - I don't eat at fast food restaurants. It is a pact I made with myself a long time ago and it is just something I don't break - it's a line in the sand that I don't cross. The problem is that "normal" people eat a burger occasionally or an order of fries. "Normal" people don't starve all the way through a hockey game and then get home, dead tired, only to cook a complete meal for themselves - no AB-normal people do this kind of stuff. Normal people do not calculate exactly how many calories is in each Mike & Ike and purposely only eat 4 because they are 6 calories a piece - I didn't want to waste good calories on candy that I don't really even like!

So last night I was thinking about the good ole' days - about bacon cheeseburgers and m&m's and baked potatoes at 3 in the morning. Tubs of movie popcorn and extra butter. I thought of holidays and snacking at my desk. I thought catered in lunches and fast food. I got this warm feeling in my heart - like I was remembering an old friend whom I had lost contact with. Oh how I missed him/her - the good times that we had - the love that we shared and the comfort that he/she brought to my life. Suddenly I'm at the gym and as quickly as my reminiscing started it ended - suddenly I was faced with the truth of the past. The inability to breathe, fit into a booth, buckle a seat belt. The endless teasing, the feeling of weakness and self loathing. The absolute hatred I had for myself and my 400 pound girth, so much that I stopped looking in the mirror. The endless comments like, you have such a pretty face - if only you would lose weight and feeling like no one ever saw ME for who I was - only for my appearance.

Again, I am plummeted to the present - sitting in front of the gym, complete with sweatband, water bottle and the knowledge that I am fixing to drag my raggedy butt in there and bust it. Knowing that I'll get home and go through the same routine - fixing dinner, lunches, re-packing the gym bag, etc. I also know that I'll get up in the morning look in the mirror and smile at what I see - I'll know that my body is healthy and strong. That I will be alive to see my grandchildren and hopefully their children. That people are inspired by my story (or at least I hope that I can inspire someone) and that what I really miss about my old life is the comfort that I found in the food - truth be told, I don't even remember what a bacon cheeseburger tastes like and I probably wouldn't like one now since I don't eat meat. What I miss is the sense of fulfillment that I got after I ate that crap, of being whole and okay.

Suddenly I realize what I love about the gym - it is that same sense of fulfillment that I get after I push it, of being whole and okay. My brain suddenly catches up to my body and it clicks, if only for a moment. Every ounce of work that I have poured into revamping my life has been worth it.....every extra push, every tear, every hardship has produced a victory in some form or another. Every failure and mis-step has made me who I am - who and where I am was not created by a cheeseburger or pizza; therefore, these things are not necessary for me to continue to shape my future.

This last epiphany makes me realize that I don't miss my old life so much after all....????


Diet Coke and Zingers said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. Really.

Candace said...

Well put. What's more, I KNOW I enjoyed my spaghetti squash with bean and tomaote sauce more than I would have a greasy slice of pizza ordered in. They said, "Oh, you're trying to eat healthy." No, I WANT to eat healthy.

Dawn said...

So very well put. What a great post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

MMalloy said...

Your posts are full of wisdom and thought these past few days. Your habitual physical health is strengthening your mental health. Seriously, it is good to hear these thoughts, sometimes we worry to much about physical appearance and don't let our minds look past that.

Calyn said...

I think we all feel that way from time to time! And I am glad you got over it and realized you really did not miss it...

And who wants to be normal??? ;)

You have inspired so many of us, with your success, candor and humor. I am motivated every time I read one of your posts!!

You Rock Girl!!! ((hugs))

Amanda said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I remember the days where planning meals was deciding what box it was going to come from. And chopping vegetables? Who did that!??! So, yeah, I remember a time when it was all so...simple....but yet so fat. No, I don't miss those times, but I can understand how you would think you miss them.

I hate it when I go home and we (DH and myself) get looks from my mom or his about our wanting to eat healthy. It sucks being the outsider, that is for sure.

You have been so deep this week. Digging into the inner Barbie, no? You put your thoughts out there so well. I love it! :)

WeightBGone said...

You have really been doing some deep thinking and soul searching.

I love when you share your thoughts because it opens up a different thought process for myself too.

Thanks for sharing and all your support it sure means a lot to me!!

jodi said...

i think most of us can relate to being tired of living 'healthy' and maybe some won't admit it, but i will... i don't necessarily miss wearing a size 16/18 but i do miss the days of not giving a crap about what i was eating... if i wanted nachos at 3am, after going to a club, then that's what i did...

of course looking back now, i'm saddened at how badly i treated myself and my body and hope to never get that way again... reading blogs like this, really helps! :o)

NCChris said...

Being normal is soooo overrated!!!

Swizzlepop said...

Great post! You do inspire and share yourself with so many. SO glad that the gym is giving you that same feeling of wholeness. Now you WILL be around to see your grandchildren and their children too :)

Amanda said...

That is a fabulous fabulous post! I havent read anything THAT good in a long time. You have done so well on your journey. I recently found your blog and I am going through all your old posts... I find your posts fascinating and witty! Greetings from Holland, Amanda :)