So my reason for not posting is not what I about to recall but rather a lack of time. Let me start by saying that I've been working, baking birthday cakes, buying gifts, doing household chores AND working on the kiddo's science fair project - all of this combined equals a really busy, frazzled, worn out Barbie.....so rather than leaving a cryptic, freak-out post I opted to concentrate my efforts on getting shit done and then post when my sanity settled back in.
Okay so now on to the slapping part - I had a great post on Wednesday. I felt great, rekindled and ready to go, then.....I skipped my workout on Wednesday night - I was tired and worn down but I should have gone. I knew that Thursday would be a bust because of my "procedure" at the doc's office. So fast forward to Thursday - I'm basically hauling at the office so that i can get everything done by Noon. No problem there - I get out of here and the hubby and I head to a visit with another fertility guru. We arrive for the visit - I'm nervous because they say there is some pain involved (f'ing understatement in my opinion). The staff was great and the wait wasn't too bad. I'm feeling okay until I get back there and they inform me that I have to step on the scale......I want to beg for a pardon since I am wearing a heavy sweater and boots but this chick isn't going to budge so I hopped on. Let me say I WAS NOT expecting that number to pop up.......WTF - I'm up 10 pounds since August. Immediately all of my super positive posting and appreciating your body bullshit is gone......I don't give a crap what this Barbie body is doing for me because at this paticular moment I feel it literally swallowing me whole. So picture this Barbie standing on a scale in tears - I begin to think about stupid stuff like the fact that I'm about to have my feet up in stirrups and I don't have any socks to cover my icky half-painted toenails (can you say no pedicures in the winter months??). I also have a pannus that I need to explain to a new doctor and an extra 10 pounds to deal with. I'm not kidding when I say that i stepped off that scale and felt like a total fat chick - I felt horrible about myself and it was apparent. The nurse, who was oblivious, asked what was wrong - I then did the Barbie Freak Out on her. I began babbling on the trials and tribulations of losing weight, maintaining the loss, the gym, the food, the fertility and the list goes on....I gave this girl a total run down of all of my woes in 2.5 seconds.....all the while she is standing there with this confused look on her face. Now that i look back on it I realize that she must have been trying to figure out why I wasn't in a shrinks office - how does a number evoke such emotion in a person??? Suddenly I had been reduced to a blithering idiot that was a total waste of oxygen. I was disgusting and didn't deserve to be taking up space - dear god - get a grip Barbie!! So as you can see, not posting was a GOOD thing. Now that i have had time to review the last few months I can think sensibly - so here are my sensible thoughts:
1. Fertility drugs are a bitch - I've been pumping my body full of artifical hormones since August
2. I'm at the gym 4 to 5 times a week and I work hard when I'm there. I may have gained 10 pounds but some of it has to be muscle.
3. I have been a bit more lax with my eating - I need to tighten up again and get back on plan - cut out the late night popcorn and hot sugar free hot cocoa!!
4. I hadn't exercised since my wine binge with the hubby.
5. I had on a huge sweater AND boots so that was some of it.
6. I use exercise as an excuse to eat more than I should - I have to regain control of my thinking as it relates to eating.....I need to eat to live, not live to eat!
Okay so all of that said - I am back in the game. I've had a few rough moments and I'm not going crazy by cutting calories. I eat relatively healthy and I do exercise a lot so I'm just going to cut out my crutches - like popcorn and SF hot cocoa. I practiced this while grocery shopping and NOT buying the popcorn.....I reminded myself that it is only a craving......not having popcorn has never caused anyone to go into a seizure (I don't think???). I'm trying to be very conscious of what and when I eat - God I am such the "disconnected eater". I just tend to pick and before I realize it I have consumed a whole slice of bread or some other carb laden food! The good thing about this is that I caught it before it spiraled into a much larger issue and really this is all a mental game. I have to break these habits - a few days that are hardcore and SUCK will put me right back on the path to where I'm comfortable at.......I can do ANYTHING for a few days, right???
Sorry this has been so long - I just needed to be able to organize my thoughts and put them down; although, I'm not sure that they are very organized?? I'm not taking back the positive rant about appreciating your body but rather I'm adding to it - my motto for today is SUCK IT UP - MAKE IT COUNT.....remember this is a mental game - WE CAN DO ANYTHING that we truly desire to do!
HUGS to you all and BTW - the doc says my fallopian tubes are open but my uterus is very tilted - so that may be more info than you wanted to know (it was for me) but I just wanted to let everyone know that the said doc's visit did have a positive outcome.