This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Monday, January 28, 2008

And then....life or the scale, bitch slaps ya!

So my reason for not posting is not what I about to recall but rather a lack of time. Let me start by saying that I've been working, baking birthday cakes, buying gifts, doing household chores AND working on the kiddo's science fair project - all of this combined equals a really busy, frazzled, worn out Barbie.....so rather than leaving a cryptic, freak-out post I opted to concentrate my efforts on getting shit done and then post when my sanity settled back in.

Okay so now on to the slapping part - I had a great post on Wednesday. I felt great, rekindled and ready to go, then.....I skipped my workout on Wednesday night - I was tired and worn down but I should have gone. I knew that Thursday would be a bust because of my "procedure" at the doc's office. So fast forward to Thursday - I'm basically hauling at the office so that i can get everything done by Noon. No problem there - I get out of here and the hubby and I head to a visit with another fertility guru. We arrive for the visit - I'm nervous because they say there is some pain involved (f'ing understatement in my opinion). The staff was great and the wait wasn't too bad. I'm feeling okay until I get back there and they inform me that I have to step on the scale......I want to beg for a pardon since I am wearing a heavy sweater and boots but this chick isn't going to budge so I hopped on. Let me say I WAS NOT expecting that number to pop up.......WTF - I'm up 10 pounds since August. Immediately all of my super positive posting and appreciating your body bullshit is gone......I don't give a crap what this Barbie body is doing for me because at this paticular moment I feel it literally swallowing me whole. So picture this Barbie standing on a scale in tears - I begin to think about stupid stuff like the fact that I'm about to have my feet up in stirrups and I don't have any socks to cover my icky half-painted toenails (can you say no pedicures in the winter months??). I also have a pannus that I need to explain to a new doctor and an extra 10 pounds to deal with. I'm not kidding when I say that i stepped off that scale and felt like a total fat chick - I felt horrible about myself and it was apparent. The nurse, who was oblivious, asked what was wrong - I then did the Barbie Freak Out on her. I began babbling on the trials and tribulations of losing weight, maintaining the loss, the gym, the food, the fertility and the list goes on....I gave this girl a total run down of all of my woes in 2.5 seconds.....all the while she is standing there with this confused look on her face. Now that i look back on it I realize that she must have been trying to figure out why I wasn't in a shrinks office - how does a number evoke such emotion in a person??? Suddenly I had been reduced to a blithering idiot that was a total waste of oxygen. I was disgusting and didn't deserve to be taking up space - dear god - get a grip Barbie!! So as you can see, not posting was a GOOD thing. Now that i have had time to review the last few months I can think sensibly - so here are my sensible thoughts:
1. Fertility drugs are a bitch - I've been pumping my body full of artifical hormones since August
2. I'm at the gym 4 to 5 times a week and I work hard when I'm there. I may have gained 10 pounds but some of it has to be muscle.
3. I have been a bit more lax with my eating - I need to tighten up again and get back on plan - cut out the late night popcorn and hot sugar free hot cocoa!!
4. I hadn't exercised since my wine binge with the hubby.
5. I had on a huge sweater AND boots so that was some of it.
6. I use exercise as an excuse to eat more than I should - I have to regain control of my thinking as it relates to eating.....I need to eat to live, not live to eat!

Okay so all of that said - I am back in the game. I've had a few rough moments and I'm not going crazy by cutting calories. I eat relatively healthy and I do exercise a lot so I'm just going to cut out my crutches - like popcorn and SF hot cocoa. I practiced this while grocery shopping and NOT buying the popcorn.....I reminded myself that it is only a craving......not having popcorn has never caused anyone to go into a seizure (I don't think???). I'm trying to be very conscious of what and when I eat - God I am such the "disconnected eater". I just tend to pick and before I realize it I have consumed a whole slice of bread or some other carb laden food! The good thing about this is that I caught it before it spiraled into a much larger issue and really this is all a mental game. I have to break these habits - a few days that are hardcore and SUCK will put me right back on the path to where I'm comfortable at.......I can do ANYTHING for a few days, right???

Sorry this has been so long - I just needed to be able to organize my thoughts and put them down; although, I'm not sure that they are very organized?? I'm not taking back the positive rant about appreciating your body but rather I'm adding to it - my motto for today is SUCK IT UP - MAKE IT COUNT.....remember this is a mental game - WE CAN DO ANYTHING that we truly desire to do!

HUGS to you all and BTW - the doc says my fallopian tubes are open but my uterus is very tilted - so that may be more info than you wanted to know (it was for me) but I just wanted to let everyone know that the said doc's visit did have a positive outcome.

10 comments:

Scale Junkie said...

Take a step back and remember what it was like when you were over 300 pounds. You worked hard day in, day out to lose that weight and I KNOW you can get yourself back on track and stay on track again.

5 pounds of that weight was easily clothes, the rest is probably muscle, you've probably actually lost 10 pounds but gained additional muscle. As we both know, medications can cause the scale to do funky things too. But at the end of the day its a hunk of metal and glass. You are more than the sum of a number a hunk of metal and glass is reading. Don't ever forget how far you've come. Just look at the photo at the top of your page. Its a source of endless inspiration for me, let it be one for you too!!

BIG HUGS!!!

Tina said...

That sucks and I feel your pain... really. S.J. is right... you need some perspective here.. clothes weigh a lot plus the hormones are totally screwing with your body I'm sure. I was on hormones for 3-5 months and gained about 8-10 pounds in that short a time too. But all that aside, you have done an AMAZING work with your body. Be proud of how far you've come and what you've accomplished. Don't let the &*%$ scale rob your joy. You are so beautiful and your value is not determined by the number on the scale. Hang in there.. you are endless inspiration to me too!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

Damn that fat girl lurking inside us all! It's so hard not to be swayed by the scale but truly, heavy clothes and a night of drinking can ADD UP TO an ugly day on the scale. I bet if you drank a bunch of water and went back a few days later in normal clothes most of not all of that ten pounds would be gone.

Stirrups + Scale = a bad day for any Barbie.

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

that was supposed to say "most, if not all" by the by.

tallmama said...

ewww did you have to do a HSG? Where they put the dye in your uterus/tubs to see if they are clear? If so I TOTALLY know what you mean about pain, they say 'slight discompfort' I say I was holding back the tears and praying it would be over before I passed out.
Oh and my uterus is tilled too, actually 'retro-fitted" I think they call it! Welcome to the club. So far it's just you and me that i've ever met, so we should hold off on an annual meeting till we find some more members.
Hope things look brighter for you tomorrow.

Kate said...

Isn't it so funny how just something as little as weight can ruin what wasn't a bad day to start with? It's crazy too me.

I think you have some pretty good reasons listed for gaining 10lbs, come on, boots and sweater, for sure! And pumping your body full of hormones I think would do it too.

Hang in there, and do what you gotta do. You know what will keep the weight off, just revert back to them basics!

Steph said...

Tallmama - thanks so much for your comment.....I thought I was just being a baby when they did that test but GOD it hurt BAD! I kept asking if it was supposed to hurt and that is when he told me about the uterus thing.......and I think retrofitted is what he said mine was too - I don't know exactly though as I was too busy trying to breathe and not throw up!

Stupid fertility issues and PCOS....I just want to finally see a + sign on a preggo test so I can be done! Thanks again for letting me know that I'm not a wimpy freak of nature! LOL

Candace said...

Agreed, smedly. Boots and sweater - 5lbs. Wine - easily 2-3lbs of water retention (never plan a loss on drinking binge weeks). Hormones and muscle could easily make up the rest, if not more. AND, you've likely lost some fluffy fat.

Let me know what you think of the abs workout. I'm expecting complete and utter pain.

Frances said...

Oh Barbie... You are so together 99% of the time.. give yourself a break don't be so hard on yourself in regards to you moment of weakness. I mean even the most "together" person could crack under going that kind of dr visit. If it's any consolation. My mother had a tilted uterus and she had two very healthy kids even after all the doctors had written her off telling her it was NEVER possible. So hang in there girl!

Swizzlepop said...

So I'm totally late but what else is new. I swear that at least 7 of that was your clothes and boots. Remember all my scale experiements, well I've also weighed with jeans, a sweater and shoes and was 5+ lbs more than buck nekkid after a pee first thing in the morning. I have a pair of shoes that I love that weigh over 3 lbs. Yes I weighed them but only to decide if they should go in the suitcase when traveling. Plus your appt. was not in the morning, I'm sure you had some food and liquid in you too, again, I've gained 2lbs of coffee within 1.5 hours of waking up.

As for everything else. Things will work out, I know they will. I've heard of the procedure you had and that it hurts but I always say you have to think of the end result, that's why we put our bodies through so much.

Food and exercise. You know what to do and I know you'll do it. :)