Hello all! I am so glad that today is Friday and I have the weekend to look forward to. I am also glad that I didn’t dip into the cold mac N cheese last night - I did sneak an oatmeal raisin cookie though - damn those cookies!! Today is a beautiful day - a little warm but at least the sun is shining. I have to admit that I’m feeling a little melancholy today - it’s just one of those days where I feel enormous - you know the days when your pants seem too tight and you just feel like Big Bertha! My thighs seem to jiggly, my belly too squishy, my ass too saggy and my pannus - well don’t even ask!!!
So is anyone wondering what a pannus is??? No it isn’t a third eyeball growing out of my forehead but rather the lovely “apron of skin” that I have left from my weight loss. Now let me preface my complaint by saying that I am much healthier now after losing 245 pounds and I feel soooo much better. I also have to say that I am blessed that my skin issues are not as severe as most who have lost the same amount of weight as I have, in fact if someone didn’t know me before they usually have no idea that I was overweight - they see previous pictures and don’t believe it’s me (I need to post some pictures soon) and I don’t get the occassional “You’re hot” from the guy who sells bingo cards at the bingo hall where my in-laws play bingo every Friday night - now girls - what more could you ask for than for a bingo card seller boy to hit on you????!! Okay back to my skin issues………I hate it……….it makes my life very difficult because it has a really negative effect on my self image. I look at my triceps or the “bat wings” that they are - I look at my squishy inner thighs and my saggy butt, the flaps and folds of former fat and I want to cry. This is NOT how Barbie is supposed to look - damnit!! But then I guess my 2001 Chevy Impala and my house with a raccoon infestation are far cries from her mode of transportation and her living quarters???? SO yes I have some sags and bags - I drink a ton of water and I know that helped some - I also do sporadic exercise……if you read my posts then you know that I’m not a huge fan of sweating!! I’m thinking my next step may be surgery……….nothing more than surgery to remove the skin…….that in itself is pretty extensive and can be a little risky - I had no idea that my belly butt (that’s is my affectionate pet name for the “apron̶ contained some many major vessels and arteries. The stuff that I have read on this type of surgery (it’s different than a tummy tuck) has listed a lot of benefits but also some scary stuff - so who knows…………I do want to have a baby first - one baby and then my baby making factory is closed so I will be free to get whatever surgeries that I want or feel I need.
Until surgery can be done I need to focus on realizing that my self worth is not tied up in my physical appearance. The hard part about that is society - they make it so hard to love yourself based on who you are on the inside - I mean seriously, the pretty people of the world get treated like a different class of people! I have experienced this first hand - I used to walk into a room and people wouldn’t even look at me (unless they were gawking) - I was a great person, fun, friendly, sweet but fat - now I walk into a room and there are the same people falling over themselves to speak to me - the bad thing is that now I am not nearly as nice or friendly - I’m more brassy and bold! Maybe even a little bitter?? Hell I would go so far to say that I would almost run over some of those morons in my pink Barbie Vette’!!
All right - I gotta cut myself off now - I’m getting all worked up! Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I’m hoping to get some pictures and some recipes posted around here soon - my pad is kinda bare!!