How I Have Changed

This post isn't just about the most recent pregnancy changes but more "how I have changed" over the last few years - in essence, the impression that weight loss, infertility and finally pregnancy has left on me. Man that is mouthfull - talk about a lot of baggage to be carrying around!

Hmmmm, where to start - weight loss brought about a new image of myself. In some cases almost a more distorted image of myself. I had always been the fat girl and I was comfortable with that. I didn't say HAPPY but I was comfortable. I knew how to protect myself from snide comments and the sneers. I knew how to dress in black to appear slimmer (haha - that's a joke!). I knew how to disguise my ability to eat 2 double whoppers and a large fry by eating a light dinner with family and then heading to the drive thru. I knew these things and then came weight loss. It was scary and meant dealing with a lot of demons that I had pushed down for most of my life. It was a challenge and as I realized that I could climb those mountains I began setting my sights higher and higher. Did I ever reach the top of my "weight loss mountain". Did I ever plant my flag at the crest and take in the beautiful valleys that I had come through??? I honestly can't answer that because I still looked in the mirror and saw things I didn't like. I saw stretch marks and saggy skin - OH and saggy boobs too! But I was healthy and happy and in love with a wonderful man. I went from being the fat friend to being the amazing shrinking woman and my identity began to change - I began to be known by people only as thin and healthy. In fact, there are people who never knew me fat.......huh, what???

Fast forward a few years - I'm in the middle of marriage and work and kids and cats and life in general. Living a life that I never dreamed I would have because I had kind of chalked up my future to being the crazy cat lady. So hubby and I are trucking along in life...throwing around the idea of having a baby. We had already waited a couple of years because it was important to us to let the newness of our marriage settle in, especially because my husband was raising a son from a previous marriage. We just assumed that having a baby would be easy......I mean every time you turn on the news you see headlines of some teenage girl giving birth and abandoning her baby.....surely a stable, loving, mature couple could get pregnant. WRONG - the first few months we got the usual "let the pill get out of your system" speech. After that it was "relax and have fun with it". Everyone had there own piece of advice and though I'm sure they all meant well, no one can understand the heartbreak that takes place month after month. Finally after being referred to Reproductive Endocrinologist was I able to get some answers. PCOS with insulin resistance.......I had no idea really what that was or what it meant to my fertility. I did know that it meant drugs and the doctor warned me in advance that those drugs caused weight gain. I thought at first it would be no big deal but after 21 months of "no big deals" I was basically spent. I had given up hope and put on 15-20 pounds. I was raw emotionally and a shell of the fat and skinny girl that I had once been. Infertility had left a brand on my heart - I will never be the same. Not only have I changed physically but emotionally I have travelled so far. I have learned the true depth of my husband's love, I have learned that life is too short to spend every minute of every day obsessing about eating exactly 1500 calories while tempering that with 325 calories burned in exercise. I've learned that there are some spaces that are in us that can only be filled by something specific - you can't substitute those holes with other things - food does not fill a void nor does it ease the longing for a child.

Fast forward one more time to Pregnant Barbie - WOW - I thought I would never say that! Again I have learned so much about myself......I am no longer my own person but I belong to someone that I've never met. I have fallen in love with my husband over again, every single day. I have fallen in love with this baby in spite of the fatigue and spreading hips. I find myself no longer looking at being thin or fat but at being a healthy mother who has a healthy baby. Everytime I go to the gym (when I can muster up the energy right now) I think about how good the exercise is for the baby.......5 weeks ago I agonized over heartrates and calories burned. I wouldn't eat an apple because of the carbs. Things are so different now - I have a true sense of peace regarding who I am. This is something I have never had - it is a little foreign to me. With that sense of belonging and peace comes my ability to become lazy too! Yep, that's the downside. I'm not nearly as driven right now. I'm not trying to be the next Top Model but I do want to be healthy and pizza, chocolate cupcakes and NO exercise does not equal healthy. There has to be a balance and I am out to find it.

I guess my whole point in putting this down was just to see how life changes. Sometimes we have no idea how things from our past will affect our future - we aren't able to see the big picture - we don't know how the cards will play out. All we can know is to keep moving forward, keep hoping, keep striving, keep believing. If we can do those things then maybe our miracle, whatever it is for us personally, will come forth???

(((HUGS)))