This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Friday, February 1, 2008

Struggling with body image issues....

Hmmm, not much to say today but I was hoping that putting this down would serve as a way for me to release some of my frustration/aggrevation/sadness. Last night was a good night for the most part - I didn't eat on time but I did eat on target - my calories were pretty much in line at 1500 with my points hovering around 24. I had a spin class last night and I worked really hard so I was pretty hungry at dinner. I don't feel bad about that - in fact I feel like I'm getting back in the groove, slowly but surely.

The problem is more with the way I look. Most days I laugh it off or don't say anything about the shape that my body has taken since I've lost weight. I have to say that no matter what...I know that I am healthier than ever - I know that and that's great but.....yeah, there is always a but there - but I hate the way I look. I literally had a melt down this morning with the hubby. I, for some dumbass reason, didn't dress before blowdrying my hair so I was standing in the bathroom naked - now this isn't something that I typically do......I'm the girl who would shower in her clothes on most days but today I was in a rush and didn't want to start layering on clothes for the day. Well at this moment hubby proceeds to walk in the bathroom without knocking, seeing me in all my glory. I know that sounds like a ridiculous freak out moment to most but for me it is devestating - this man has never seen me totally naked, standing up. Can I just say that gravity has not been kind to me. At that moment I felt completely exposed and vulnerable......really, I can't even explain how I felt. I was horrified, crushed and absolutely devestated. I think the hubby was a bit freaked too as he just stood there with a dumbass smile on his face......immediately I was screaming close the door, don't you ever knock, blah blah blah. He felt bad, I felt bad - I sank to the floor and cried. I then put my pj's back on and ran to my room for clothes.....feeling the insane need to "cover up". The conversation after that wasn't pleasant......I was basically a maniac but I needed him to understand that at that moment I felt like a freak of nature....like a kid being pointed at and heckled. Unfortunately, I'm not very articulate in moments like that so between my reckless sobbing and shrieking, he probably barely had an idea of what my problem was! The whole scene was ugly and I feel terrible about it - it ended with hubby trying to reassure me that he loved me and that it didn't matter but I know it does.....it is disgusting and I know that.......I'm not so naive to think that he could be attracted to that - I know that he loves me regardless but I also know that I'm not even close to being "normal" looking. Like I said, he thinks I'm delusional and don't see the "real" me - I think he is blinded by love cause trust me - I see the "real" me in all it's glory every damn day - in fact I tuck extra bits of the real me into my pantyhose everyday - so I freaking know all about the "real" me.

In all honestly, I feel guilty for even putting this down. Mostly because I try to maintain that "it's a journey" mentality, the "appreciate your body" speech and every other motivational saying out there - I know all of that - I've heard, said it and for the most part make the decision to believe it but today.......I hurt, I ache, I can't explain it. It may never make sense to some but for some reason I feel like you girls will understand. I would never discourage someone from losing weight because you can survive with lose skin - I can walk around and look like a Gumby doll that stood too close to the furnace - that isn't going to physically kill me but what it does to me mentally is pretty nasty. Please don't pelt me with hate emails about how it could be so much worse or shower me with pity. I'm not asking for any of those things....tomorrow I'll be okay but for today I feel like I'm sifting through broken bits of my life - I don't feel whole - I don't feel like the old, happy, overweight Steph and I sure the hell don't feel like a thin, thriving Steph.......more like a heap of body parts that don't match who I am yet they ALL belong to me......just for today I need to feel like I can really feel this hurt....just for today I need to not have to shrug it off like it isn't a big deal. Then after my "today" will come tomorrow and I will pick my butt up off the floor, dust myself off and head to spin class - but that is after my "today".

Hugs to you all - have a great weekend!

15 comments:

Scale Junkie said...

I know I'm going to have the same skin issues as you do and like you I know I'll want to keep it covered up. Honestly my husband sees me naked all of the time. I'm not comfortable with it but I've grown to accept my skin. The meltdowns...yeah I can totally relate to the meltdowns too. You've worked so hard, you continue to work so hard but yeah, even at 300something the outside doesn't match the inside and for you it still doesn't. I really appreciate you sharing this Steph, its really helping me see that I need to LOVE ME for me because even after the hard work, the size 10's might fit but I'm still going to need the big girl panties to accept that my insides and my outsides still won't match. Big HUGS to you!!

Kathy said...

Steph, you have every right to feel any way you want. We all know that no matter how much we say all we want is to be healthy there is still that part of us that wants to return our bodies to the youthful, tight-skinned version we dream of. And it has to be hard for you as young as you are. Have you talked to your doctor about your feelings? Is there an opportunity for you to have cosmetic surgery? Do you feel that you need some therapy to deal with these issues? When our bodies have been through such drastic changes, sometimes there is a lot left to heal even after the weight returns to a normal range. Keep talking, Steph...and accept your husband's love...you are worthy of it!

Kate said...

Honey I think we all have issues that we need to come to grips with, whether it's stretch marks, love handles, extra skin or a fat "this or that". Like you said, you just got to look at the positive aspects of everything, look how healthy you are? And that's what really matters!

And I know your husband loves ya to death, in all your glory too. Just remember, we all have imperfections :)

NCChris said...

Steph - thanks for sharing -- It matters and we wouldn't be human if we didn't melt down from time to time. If removing the extra skin is what you want to do (maybe it is and maybe it isn't) - talk to your doctor there are caes where medical insurance has deemed it a medically necessary procedure and not cosmetic. Your doctor could be an advocate for that process. Anyway, keep talking to us, because we have all been in similar states of mind from time to time. {{{HUGS}}}
-Chris

Caroline said...

That stuff totally matters. While I know that you are proud of yourself for how far you've come, it is so unfair that the skin issues are a constant reminder of where we let ourselves get. I don't have any extra skin yet, but I do have the stretch marks, which I hate. I think when you work as hard as you have to lose so much weight and get to where you are now, the skin should magically disappear! That only seems fair. So don't apologize for how you feel. It's just not fair!

Miss July...not...yet said...

I get it. I don't know a single woman (no matter how thin they are) that isn't on a daily basis able to find something wrong with them. It is sadly, how we are raised to regard ourselves.

A friend once told me that men are visual creatures. They view us as the best they ever saw us b/c that is how they want to see us. They don't see the extra stuff unless we start pointing it out. I found out that this was true w/an experiment I did w/dh...so now, I put pictures of the good ol' days up and get him to remember that...my very own trick to my own brain too...

sorry that you felt bad. :-(

Candace said...

Hey Steph. It's Monday now and I hope you're feeling better. Just and FYI that I *heart* ya.

MMalloy said...

I know I'm late on this Steph, but I hope you are feeling better today. Thanks for reminding me that tomorrow is a new day and these "icky" feelings of myself will pass with the day.
HUGS!!! M

Sarah said...

Okay girlfriend, let me quote you..."he just stood there with a dumbass smile on his face". You didn't say "He looked completely horrified, threw up and ran out of the room". It's totally normal to feel the way you do but he seems to be totally in love with you despite your "inperfections".

Ashley said...

I'm so sorry that you had to feel that way.

Just remember you're an inspiration :)

Sarah said...

Know that theres plenty of us out there that feel like you do. We may not have lost the amount of weight you have, we don't all have the same exact "body image" issues, but we all have the same kind of image issues. I refused to be naked in front of my ex, and it took me a long time to feel remotely comfortable in front of my DBF.

I think the biggest issue we all have, especially with our significant others, is we think they want us to be as perfect as we want to be. In my head, he wants me to be all firm and toned and have the body of a 20 year old. In his eyes, beauty or "hot" is the whole thing. My personality, my love, my caring, my independence, and my willing to work so hard to do something like lose weight. He wants me to be a regular girl. He likes the imperfections.

Like Sarah wrote, he stood there with a grin but didn't scream and run away....he sees you as you. He loves you.

BTW, did you two ever end up talking about the breakdown?

Tina said...

Stoppin' by to say I'm thinkin' about ya. Post your award dang it! :))

Ashley said...

So how are you doing now? Update us :)

tallmama said...

Thinking about you and hoping all it well in barbie-land.

Jan B said...

All I can say is that I am RIGHT THERE WITH YOU! Losing 100 pounds (or so) has left me with so much loose jellowy skin. I wish I could afford surgery, but then if I do have anymore kids, I would just probably blow out all my surgical seams. So I just keep stuffing it in and I got a lock for the bathroom door.

If your husband is anything like mine, he probably loved seeing you in the nude. I can't figure out what it does for my husband to see me naked, but it does something.