Hmmm, not much to say today but I was hoping that putting this down would serve as a way for me to release some of my frustration/aggrevation/sadness. Last night was a good night for the most part - I didn't eat on time but I did eat on target - my calories were pretty much in line at 1500 with my points hovering around 24. I had a spin class last night and I worked really hard so I was pretty hungry at dinner. I don't feel bad about that - in fact I feel like I'm getting back in the groove, slowly but surely.
The problem is more with the way I look. Most days I laugh it off or don't say anything about the shape that my body has taken since I've lost weight. I have to say that no matter what...I know that I am healthier than ever - I know that and that's great but.....yeah, there is always a but there - but I hate the way I look. I literally had a melt down this morning with the hubby. I, for some dumbass reason, didn't dress before blowdrying my hair so I was standing in the bathroom naked - now this isn't something that I typically do......I'm the girl who would shower in her clothes on most days but today I was in a rush and didn't want to start layering on clothes for the day. Well at this moment hubby proceeds to walk in the bathroom without knocking, seeing me in all my glory. I know that sounds like a ridiculous freak out moment to most but for me it is devestating - this man has never seen me totally naked, standing up. Can I just say that gravity has not been kind to me. At that moment I felt completely exposed and vulnerable......really, I can't even explain how I felt. I was horrified, crushed and absolutely devestated. I think the hubby was a bit freaked too as he just stood there with a dumbass smile on his face......immediately I was screaming close the door, don't you ever knock, blah blah blah. He felt bad, I felt bad - I sank to the floor and cried. I then put my pj's back on and ran to my room for clothes.....feeling the insane need to "cover up". The conversation after that wasn't pleasant......I was basically a maniac but I needed him to understand that at that moment I felt like a freak of nature....like a kid being pointed at and heckled. Unfortunately, I'm not very articulate in moments like that so between my reckless sobbing and shrieking, he probably barely had an idea of what my problem was! The whole scene was ugly and I feel terrible about it - it ended with hubby trying to reassure me that he loved me and that it didn't matter but I know it does.....it is disgusting and I know that.......I'm not so naive to think that he could be attracted to that - I know that he loves me regardless but I also know that I'm not even close to being "normal" looking. Like I said, he thinks I'm delusional and don't see the "real" me - I think he is blinded by love cause trust me - I see the "real" me in all it's glory every damn day - in fact I tuck extra bits of the real me into my pantyhose everyday - so I freaking know all about the "real" me.
In all honestly, I feel guilty for even putting this down. Mostly because I try to maintain that "it's a journey" mentality, the "appreciate your body" speech and every other motivational saying out there - I know all of that - I've heard, said it and for the most part make the decision to believe it but today.......I hurt, I ache, I can't explain it. It may never make sense to some but for some reason I feel like you girls will understand. I would never discourage someone from losing weight because you can survive with lose skin - I can walk around and look like a Gumby doll that stood too close to the furnace - that isn't going to physically kill me but what it does to me mentally is pretty nasty. Please don't pelt me with hate emails about how it could be so much worse or shower me with pity. I'm not asking for any of those things....tomorrow I'll be okay but for today I feel like I'm sifting through broken bits of my life - I don't feel whole - I don't feel like the old, happy, overweight Steph and I sure the hell don't feel like a thin, thriving Steph.......more like a heap of body parts that don't match who I am yet they ALL belong to me......just for today I need to feel like I can really feel this hurt....just for today I need to not have to shrug it off like it isn't a big deal. Then after my "today" will come tomorrow and I will pick my butt up off the floor, dust myself off and head to spin class - but that is after my "today".
Hugs to you all - have a great weekend!