This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Perception is reality....

So I'm sure that some of you have been pondering if i was ever coming back from my recent hiatus.......of course I'm coming back but I must admit I'm not the same Barbie that left! After a much needed vacation that included NOTHING I have discovered that there is more to life than trying to be a cookie cutter person. It's funny that at times it takes the most ignorant of things to help remind us how good we have it. Okay.....I'm sure this is all very confusing but it is also something that I really feel is important so let me start at the beginning.

After my last post about the body image issues, I did get up the next day and go to my spin class - I felt good after class and had a great weekend. I was gearing up for vacation so it was busy but good. The hubby and I actually left on Wednesday to go stay at a condo on the lake - the drive was about 3 hours from our house and the town that we went to was beautiful - tall pine trees, nothing around, quiet, quaint and very relaxing. We got the car unpacked and got settled in.....we basically stayed there for 5 days. The only exceptions were the daily trip to the ONE grocery store in town - this trip was to buy the hubby donuts or pizza and get my spaghetti squash......I know, I know - I rarely deviate from my usual food routine even on vacation! I did log on a few times and try to keep up with all the blogs, posted a few comments and was a total lurker!! We got home on Sunday and hung out......of course Monday was back to the daily grind but over our vacation I realized that life is too short to stay so stressed out about every little thing.......about every single pound.........every single workout. At some point, you have to live your life and enjoy this journey. Please don't mistake my rambling for the universal "it's okay to slowly kill yourself with fast food".........I absolutely, whole heartedly believe in being healthy but you know what....???? Part of being healthy is being okay emotionally........something that I realized AGAIN over the last week is that - Food controlled me when I was overweight........I got up and the first thing I thought about was what I was going to have for lunch!! So I changed my habits.........I lost weight.........I look and feel great.........I improved my health a 100x's over but guess what.........I never took control of my life back!! I still let food/weight control me........I didn't wake up and think about pizza for lunch anymore but I woke up and stressed about calories/fat/fiber/points/carbs/protein/calories in vs. calories out - you get my point........I obsessed over my body, every flaw, every ounce of flesh represented some sort of failure in my eyes - this is what I one else saw that. Everyone else applauded me as a hero of health and diet - I was raised on the shoulders of dieters while the crowd cheered yet all I ever heard was my own voice telling me of my short comings.......I lost beautiful moments of victory and replaced them with my own shouts of self loathing.....NO MORE. I drew the line in the sand over my vacation! So much so that I decided last night that I wasn't going to the gym - want to know why??? My body was tired, I don't absolutely LOVE the Tuesday class, I wanted to relax at home with my family and most importantly, I'm tired of feeling obligated to do things that don't fulfill something in me........please don't take that to mean that I no longer love cycling....nothing is further from the truth but you know what???? Last night I LOVED being with my family and relaxing - last night, I loved the give and take of being "balanced" in my life! So long story short........nothing has changed on the diet/exercise front. I will continue to plod along but rather than viewing the failures I am going to celebrate my success! I'm going to love me!

Okay - on to EGG news! According to the doc and blood tests from last week - I OVULATED! I can't even tell you how ecstatic the hub and I are at the prospect of actually being pregnant already! Yep, the doc said i could actually be pregnant......we should know for sure in a few days so I'll announce the news when i get it!!

One final note - "Perception is Reality" - it really is true. The way that you think of yourself is YOUR reality. Think of yourself as a winner, a success, a beautiful, motivational woman because that IS what we all are!

HUGS to you all - I promise to work earnestly at trying to catch up on all the blogs oh and Tina gave me an award but I have no idea how to post it.......I know, I may be beautiful, motivating and a winner but I'm also a bit tech challenged!! Soooo.....can one of my buddies offer instructions?


Candace said...

So happy you had a good vacation. Yay at the prospect of a Barbie baby. So glad at what this means. And finally, balance is really worth striving for. I think we all need to be a little obsessed when making changes, but once the habits are settled in that the day-to-day has to have balance.

Kate said...

So glad to hear you had a wonderful vacation...I know those are always needed ;)

I think we all become a little obsessed at time (I know I do), and sometimes we need to take a step back, it's healthy. Good job for making that decision, I think you can totally use a little less stress in the life!

Tina said...

I am OVER the MOON that your baby dances may have paid off!! I have absolutely everything I can cross crossed. Plus I'm praying too.

As to posting your award, first save the award as an image file to your computer(jpeg is fine). Then go to Layout, Add Page Element. Choose picture and upload. Viola. You have yourself an award. And you deserve it missy!


jodi said...

sounds like a great vacation and i'm glad to see that you didn't overdo it w/the exercise... i've learned to listen to my body (and mind) and when it says, "i need a break" then i do it... life is too short to always be counting how many minutes you've been on the treadmill or how many points are in that hershey's kiss... family and friends are just as important, if not more... and i can't wait to hear the good news! :o)

melissious said...

Wow, that is so amazing. It sounds like you really had a breakthrough. How exciting that you could be pregnant. Here's some baby dust for you...~~~~***~~~ Oh, I don't know what baby dust looks like, I'm so bad with that stuff. Instead I'll pray for you. :) I think that works better anyway!

Scale Junkie said...

So glad you had a wonderful vacation!

We are on the same page. I just started reading a book called Intuitive Eating, its basically about learning to listen to your body. I think you would get a lot out of this book too Steph. We have to change our relationship with food. Others may not get that, I get that. Big hugs to you!!

Diet Coke and Zingers said...

AMEN to all of that! Glad to have you back!

ashley said...

That's great that you took a vacation. I'm in the place now where I'm taking a few days off (a "vacation" of calories, weight, blah, blah) just to regain some clarity. It is so much easier to resist those donuts when I am in my 'happy place'!

Congratulations on regaining your perspective.

No Where to Run ... said...

good for you! perspective is everything! and you have a good one. i love reading your blog and visualizing what you go through. i sometimes feel alone in the weight world and you make me feel normal. so, thank you! and congrats on your recent 8 pounds on top of that 4. you are doing great!!