This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture
Thursday, July 31, 2008
For Matty (Get My Point)
This is soooo adorable - I can totally see Rosie parading around like a peacock!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I am such an ungrateful wife.....
I can't believe that I forgot to post about my surprise that DH gave me!!! I'm awful because it was really, incredibly sweet. So I have been struggling with my appearance and the whole weight gain thing.....hubby tells me everyday that I'm beautiful but I feel fat and frumpy most of the time. Regular clothes don't fit and neither do maternity clothes - I mean, NO ONE told me that my excess skin was going to fill out aka my pannus. It's gross - really gross and I hate it....I love the bump that is growing up top but having 15 pounds of excess skin hanging is not a pretty sight - okay sorry - I've gone off on a Barbie tangent as usual.
So, I've been feeling pretty crummy. I go from feeling totally ugly to feeling completely undeserving of this pregnancy and guilty for not just basking in the glow of finally being pregnant. That coupled with swelling and fatigue has made me a bit teary for the most part. Well about 3 weeks ago I noticed a strange charge on the hubby's credit card - $160 to be exact. I called him and questioned it, to which he responded, I bought you a present. Now hubby occasionally brings flowers or a card but he isn't a real gift giver with the exception of birthdays, anniversary, christmas. I NEVER expected a gift from him. So he says it won't be ready for a week or so and I'm thinking dear god what has he done??? A week passes by and he is like a schoolboy. I get home from work and he has me sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Out he comes all sing songy and busting at the seams - I open my eyes and started crying immediately. He took my magazine cover and had it framed - it was beautiful and just that he thought of it meant so much to me. Of course then he starts telling me that the woman on that cover is the same person that is standing in front of him only now I'm more beautiful because I'm carrying our child - that he is so proud to be my husband......I can't remember all of it but it was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me - somedays I really love that guy!
So, I've been feeling pretty crummy. I go from feeling totally ugly to feeling completely undeserving of this pregnancy and guilty for not just basking in the glow of finally being pregnant. That coupled with swelling and fatigue has made me a bit teary for the most part. Well about 3 weeks ago I noticed a strange charge on the hubby's credit card - $160 to be exact. I called him and questioned it, to which he responded, I bought you a present. Now hubby occasionally brings flowers or a card but he isn't a real gift giver with the exception of birthdays, anniversary, christmas. I NEVER expected a gift from him. So he says it won't be ready for a week or so and I'm thinking dear god what has he done??? A week passes by and he is like a schoolboy. I get home from work and he has me sit on the couch with my eyes closed. Out he comes all sing songy and busting at the seams - I open my eyes and started crying immediately. He took my magazine cover and had it framed - it was beautiful and just that he thought of it meant so much to me. Of course then he starts telling me that the woman on that cover is the same person that is standing in front of him only now I'm more beautiful because I'm carrying our child - that he is so proud to be my husband......I can't remember all of it but it was one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me - somedays I really love that guy!
Life Lessons on Losing and Love
I know that most of you may not want to read this – it isn’t about weight loss or exercise or food logs. This post is more for my own benefit – see I am at a place where I have never been. So many dreams are being fulfilled and I’m excited and terrified all at the same time. Some days I want to forget the struggle of infertility but then other days I think of how strong it has made both DH and I. This is the story of 1 day – 1 breakdown. It also happens to be the month before we found out we were pregnant……..this is the month that we decided maybe, just maybe it wasn’t going to happen for a while. In the span of one day I learned how to let go of a dream and begin the grieving process. I think I cried most of the day….no more like I screamed and wailed most of the day. I’m not an overly religious person but on that day I remember screaming in the parking lot at work – “GOD, WHY???” I told my mom that I felt cut off – like I was rattling the windows of Heaven without any answer…….I had spent months of my life begging and pleading for just one baby – just the experience of positive pregnancy test – just to see the tears in my husband’s eyes when I told him. Yet on this day (March 12th by the way) I felt like a failure – I felt broken both physically and emotionally. Let me kind of start from the beginning.
Rich and I had been trying for 20 months…..it doesn’t ever get easier and trust me, sex is no fun at that point. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Reading every book, website, article on the topic of PCOS and infertility. I had been on so many synthetic hormones that I couldn’t even keep up – my body was tired and bloated. This day – March 12th was to tell us if the hormones worked – if all my hard work and scheduled sex and hot flashes and weight gain had been worth anything. I go in get my sonogram – they don’t see any eggs – do a blood draw and promise to call that afternoon. They did call and I think all I heard was it didn’t work. I tried to hold it together but the tears came like a flood. I ran from my office and looked for safety in the parking lot – of course my boss comes out at that moment and asks what is going on. I couldn’t share this with him – no one could understand my grief. I tried to calm myself and called the hubby. He was, of course, supportive and sympathetic but he had been struggling with the fact that what we had then was no longer enough. He took my want to have a baby as a slight to him – like he wasn’t enough. We had a huge fight that night and I remember just begging him to leave me alone in my sorrow – I called my mom and for the first time since I heard the news I found comfort. I felt guilty that my husband couldn’t comfort me but I just needed my mom. Rich came in later and we talked – I told him that I felt so alone and scared – I was confused and because I had grown up religious I felt like I was being punished. My husband is not religious so he doesn’t understand that aspect of my heart. I explained to him that I just needed someone to love me and pray for me – I didn’t fault him for not being that person but I knew that he wasn’t. It was a great conversation and a traumatic day – one that I can’t/won’t ever forget – one that makes me cry even now as I type this.
The beautiful ending to this story is that the next month we found out that we were pregnant – totally unexpected too. The night that we found out that a baby was coming, my husband looked at me and said the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. He told me that he prayed for me……..in that moment I understood what lessons I needed to learn through this experience……I realized how much stronger my marriage was and I knew that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.
So all of that being said – if you got this far, I’m sorry. Again, this was more for my own benefit – I don’t want to ever forget the struggles that brought us to this place – I want to always be thankful for the hardships, lessons, love and blessings that I have been given.
Rich and I had been trying for 20 months…..it doesn’t ever get easier and trust me, sex is no fun at that point. I was obsessed with getting pregnant. Reading every book, website, article on the topic of PCOS and infertility. I had been on so many synthetic hormones that I couldn’t even keep up – my body was tired and bloated. This day – March 12th was to tell us if the hormones worked – if all my hard work and scheduled sex and hot flashes and weight gain had been worth anything. I go in get my sonogram – they don’t see any eggs – do a blood draw and promise to call that afternoon. They did call and I think all I heard was it didn’t work. I tried to hold it together but the tears came like a flood. I ran from my office and looked for safety in the parking lot – of course my boss comes out at that moment and asks what is going on. I couldn’t share this with him – no one could understand my grief. I tried to calm myself and called the hubby. He was, of course, supportive and sympathetic but he had been struggling with the fact that what we had then was no longer enough. He took my want to have a baby as a slight to him – like he wasn’t enough. We had a huge fight that night and I remember just begging him to leave me alone in my sorrow – I called my mom and for the first time since I heard the news I found comfort. I felt guilty that my husband couldn’t comfort me but I just needed my mom. Rich came in later and we talked – I told him that I felt so alone and scared – I was confused and because I had grown up religious I felt like I was being punished. My husband is not religious so he doesn’t understand that aspect of my heart. I explained to him that I just needed someone to love me and pray for me – I didn’t fault him for not being that person but I knew that he wasn’t. It was a great conversation and a traumatic day – one that I can’t/won’t ever forget – one that makes me cry even now as I type this.
The beautiful ending to this story is that the next month we found out that we were pregnant – totally unexpected too. The night that we found out that a baby was coming, my husband looked at me and said the sweetest thing he has ever said to me. He told me that he prayed for me……..in that moment I understood what lessons I needed to learn through this experience……I realized how much stronger my marriage was and I knew that this was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with.
So all of that being said – if you got this far, I’m sorry. Again, this was more for my own benefit – I don’t want to ever forget the struggles that brought us to this place – I want to always be thankful for the hardships, lessons, love and blessings that I have been given.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Not sure how to deal with this....opinions please
So I have received a few rude comments from those that I work with....my favorite is probably, "your hips are getting wide" or the "are you having twins??" comments. I'm not kidding when i say that I get at least 2 comments a day - 2 RUDE comments a day. Now I realize that I have been at my job for almost 9 years and so everyone and their mom knows that I'm pregnant. Most people also know that I used to weigh 385 pounds and lost weight but does that give them the right to make random, rude comments?? I love being pregnant (for the most part) and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world but i would be lying if I said that I didn't have a meltdown at the doc's office on Friday when I stepped on the scale. Weight gain is rough - I know it's necessary but it doesn't change the games that it plays with my head. That being said - I have come up with a few responses to the rude comments.....please leave a comment if you can think of any other good zingers to throw back at these people.
At least I’m pregnant – what’s your excuse?
I’m having a big bad boy who will come kick your ass when he’s older!
As a matter of fact, I’m having triplets so I look pretty damn good then!
I’m putting my baby up for adoption and would rather not discuss my current state (that’ll make ‘em feel bad!)
Now I want to say THANK YOU for all your comments - they made me cry on a really rough day. Like I said - Friday was not a good day. First I had to stand on the scale and see that I had gained 13 pounds in 4 weeks - the doc swears that there is no way?? I honestly haven't changed my eating from the last appointment but I haven't been exercising as much so maybe that is it?? I've also been swelling really badly so I'm thinking some of it might be water?? So yeah, I freaked out and cried and cried and cried. My poor hubby.......then the doc came in and they had a really hard time finding the heartbeat.....the longest 5 minutes of my life. That helped put the weight gain in perspective but after that appointment I was pretty wiped out. Your comments really helped me smile and made me feel so much better about myself so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
(((HUGS)))
At least I’m pregnant – what’s your excuse?
I’m having a big bad boy who will come kick your ass when he’s older!
As a matter of fact, I’m having triplets so I look pretty damn good then!
I’m putting my baby up for adoption and would rather not discuss my current state (that’ll make ‘em feel bad!)
Now I want to say THANK YOU for all your comments - they made me cry on a really rough day. Like I said - Friday was not a good day. First I had to stand on the scale and see that I had gained 13 pounds in 4 weeks - the doc swears that there is no way?? I honestly haven't changed my eating from the last appointment but I haven't been exercising as much so maybe that is it?? I've also been swelling really badly so I'm thinking some of it might be water?? So yeah, I freaked out and cried and cried and cried. My poor hubby.......then the doc came in and they had a really hard time finding the heartbeat.....the longest 5 minutes of my life. That helped put the weight gain in perspective but after that appointment I was pretty wiped out. Your comments really helped me smile and made me feel so much better about myself so THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart!
(((HUGS)))
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Belly Pics
So after much procrastination here are some belly pics! The first 2 are at 15 weeks and the last 2 are at 11 weeks.......can you say whoa belly!!
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
So I've been a bad blogger
I know that I've been gone for what seems like forever but I feel like the days aren't long enough anymore! I do have pictures and even got the software installed on my computer but didn't bring the right cables to work so I'm going to try to post them tomorrow. Not that I'm dying to post pictures of my growing belly but bloggers everywhere wanna know - LOL!
So let me kind of bullet point the last few weeks of my life - here goes:
1. I will be 16 weeks pregnant, tomorrow! I can't believe how quickly it seems to be moving but at the same time it seems to move at a snails pace. You know those times when you get up 5 times a night to pee, your tailbone hurts if you sit down and your feet swell if you stand??? Yeah, those times make it seem like an eternity but the rest of the time has been smooth sailing.
2. Swelling - ummmmm, yeah. That's pretty nasty by the end of the day. I've always been prone to it but with the heat and pregnancy.........let's just say I resemble a marshmallow at the end of the day - not pretty!
3. No real cravings other than cereal and milk. Oh and the occassional want of chinese food but really nothing crazy yet. I feel like I've done well this month with weight gain but we'll see come Friday when I go to the doctor's office. I did have my blood glucose checked at my last appointment and they said it was perfect - yay!!
4. I wish I could give a glowing gym report but in all honesty, I suck right now. I'm tired and always have so much going on. I haven't had a free weekend since we moved and the 2 Saturday mornings when I did - I slept late.......I have to get back in the groove. I miss it for the most part and I know I will feel better if I "JUST DO IT"!
5. We are moved and the Summer is in full swing - the kiddo is driving me crazy with all of his activities and the hubby's work schedule has been completely out of whack. Oh, and I seriously need a vacation!!
So that is it in a nutshell. There a thousand other boring details that I could give you a report of but I'll spare everyone. Oh, one last thing - I do have a blog for jellybean where I update on pregnancy stuff (not that I've done that lately either!) so if you want to stop in you can - the site is journeyofajellybean.blogspot.com
Okay - I'm off to catch up and update the other site.
(((HUGS)))
So let me kind of bullet point the last few weeks of my life - here goes:
1. I will be 16 weeks pregnant, tomorrow! I can't believe how quickly it seems to be moving but at the same time it seems to move at a snails pace. You know those times when you get up 5 times a night to pee, your tailbone hurts if you sit down and your feet swell if you stand??? Yeah, those times make it seem like an eternity but the rest of the time has been smooth sailing.
2. Swelling - ummmmm, yeah. That's pretty nasty by the end of the day. I've always been prone to it but with the heat and pregnancy.........let's just say I resemble a marshmallow at the end of the day - not pretty!
3. No real cravings other than cereal and milk. Oh and the occassional want of chinese food but really nothing crazy yet. I feel like I've done well this month with weight gain but we'll see come Friday when I go to the doctor's office. I did have my blood glucose checked at my last appointment and they said it was perfect - yay!!
4. I wish I could give a glowing gym report but in all honesty, I suck right now. I'm tired and always have so much going on. I haven't had a free weekend since we moved and the 2 Saturday mornings when I did - I slept late.......I have to get back in the groove. I miss it for the most part and I know I will feel better if I "JUST DO IT"!
5. We are moved and the Summer is in full swing - the kiddo is driving me crazy with all of his activities and the hubby's work schedule has been completely out of whack. Oh, and I seriously need a vacation!!
So that is it in a nutshell. There a thousand other boring details that I could give you a report of but I'll spare everyone. Oh, one last thing - I do have a blog for jellybean where I update on pregnancy stuff (not that I've done that lately either!) so if you want to stop in you can - the site is journeyofajellybean.blogspot.com
Okay - I'm off to catch up and update the other site.
(((HUGS)))
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