Okay so first let me start by saying that I suck - I can't seem to stay motivated to keep this up! Good God - everytime I log in I want to whack myself over the head for going so long between posts! All right - enough complaining!
On a better note - Sunday I was doing my weekly grocery shopping at the local Wally World - standing in the checkout line and thinking about how cold it was outside. As I pushed my buggy full of groceries to the conveyer belt my eyes scanned the magazine rack and I saw it......MY FACE. My magazine has hit the news stand folks! Along with a lovely "AFTER" picture came the caption "Loses 245 pounds" and a "BEFORE" picture. It was a very surreal experience and one that I'm not sure I could ever fully describe. There were mixed emotions that bordered between elation and sadness. Elation at the obvious and sadness because of the time and life wasted inside an almost 400 pound body.
When I say life lost I'm not talking about proms, dates, football games, friends and popularity. I'm talking self worth, self love and the ability to allow myself to actually have feel and have opinions. Somewhere I lost the ability to think for myself or maybe I just never gained that skill?? Now I feel that I am constantly stuck in a perguatory of some sort. A middle ground where I'm not always sure of where I stand or what I want. I don't always recognize myself as I walk past a mirror. I don't always remember the former "fat" girl but I somehow I don't always recognize the image in front of me. Who is this person - what realm does she exist in. Everything has changed in my life. Not just my weight or habits but everything. The way I think, feel and process emotions. The dreams that I have, the driving motivations and even those core beliefs have been shaken a bit. It is amazing to me that somehow in losing weight I lost myself or what I perceived myself to be..........does weight really effect our perception to that degree. Do we as living, breathing beings accept an external circumstance as a source for our moral system? Evidently so or at least that seems true for me. I never imagined that so many things would rely on our ability to look in the mirror and like what we see.......hell I'm still not sure that I like what I see???