Seeing yourself in WalMart

Okay so first let me start by saying that I suck - I can't seem to stay motivated to keep this up! Good God - everytime I log in I want to whack myself over the head for going so long between posts! All right - enough complaining!

On a better note - Sunday I was doing my weekly grocery shopping at the local Wally World - standing in the checkout line and thinking about how cold it was outside. As I pushed my buggy full of groceries to the conveyer belt my eyes scanned the magazine rack and I saw it......MY FACE. My magazine has hit the news stand folks! Along with a lovely "AFTER" picture came the caption "Loses 245 pounds" and a "BEFORE" picture. It was a very surreal experience and one that I'm not sure I could ever fully describe. There were mixed emotions that bordered between elation and sadness. Elation at the obvious and sadness because of the time and life wasted inside an almost 400 pound body.

When I say life lost I'm not talking about proms, dates, football games, friends and popularity. I'm talking self worth, self love and the ability to allow myself to actually have feel and have opinions. Somewhere I lost the ability to think for myself or maybe I just never gained that skill?? Now I feel that I am constantly stuck in a perguatory of some sort. A middle ground where I'm not always sure of where I stand or what I want. I don't always recognize myself as I walk past a mirror. I don't always remember the former "fat" girl but I somehow I don't always recognize the image in front of me. Who is this person - what realm does she exist in. Everything has changed in my life. Not just my weight or habits but everything. The way I think, feel and process emotions. The dreams that I have, the driving motivations and even those core beliefs have been shaken a bit. It is amazing to me that somehow in losing weight I lost myself or what I perceived myself to be..........does weight really effect our perception to that degree. Do we as living, breathing beings accept an external circumstance as a source for our moral system? Evidently so or at least that seems true for me. I never imagined that so many things would rely on our ability to look in the mirror and like what we see.......hell I'm still not sure that I like what I see???

Feraglicious!!!

That's right - I am changing my name to Trixie..........just because. I went today and bought a fergalicious hat and I'm gonna hooker it up for work tomorrow........just because. By the way, fergalicious is my new word for the day - I like it and it sounds cool. I am attempting to be cool......kind of like the girl in highschool that gets dumped but acts like nothing is wrong.....like being shit on is the biggest thrill of her life - yeehaw! About the only thing exciting or "fergalicious" in my life is my new hat (of course) and the fact that I have caught the mother of all raccoons.........this one was a whopper! Crap - whopper describes a fish not a raccoon.......I am a dork! Okay back to the story..........after a rather grueling week with my food intake - can you say inhaling peanut butter and chocolate syrup.......I am up a pound in weight and down about 10 pounds of ego. The hubby unit is very preoccupied with poker lately.......I asked if I did something wrong and all he can say is that I haven't done anything but he is just an idiot - well duh.........no shit sherlock!! In light of this situation and my need to have my ego boosted I have bought the hate, decided to wear sparkles and changed my name to Trixie. Trixie doesn't eat peanut butter and chocolate sauce. Trixie works out at the gym religiously. Trixie is fucking perfect and damnit my name is TRIXIE!!

So...........I wonder if Barbie ever tried to be seductive with chocolate sauce dribbled down her shirt.......could SHE pull it off??? Knowing Barbie's life - Ken thought it was super sexy and proceeded to lick it off of her body.......I hate Barbie.......well I hate that I'm not Barbie. Just the retarded skipper in a fergalicious hat, calling herself Trixie.

Later!

Obviously I am clueless???!!!

So this is my third attempt at actually posting another entry..........damn talk about a headache! I'm still not sure how or even if this thing works? Okay enough complaining. I have 2 other "thoughts" to post but that will have to wait until I get logged onto the laptop. They were basically more yadda yadda about goals and resolutions.

Today is Saturday and currently I have 6 ten year old boys hanging out at my house......sometimes I have no idea how or why I get myself into these things! Actually they have been rather subdued other than the loud screaming and an occassional nerf bullet to the head. As for me I am just sitting...existing....wondering....trying to make sense. I feel disconnected somehow. I feel as though I just live and exist in my own home. Does that sound stupid? Of course it does.....let me clarify. I feel very disconnected from my husband...okay there...it has been said.....it is real and now has weight. There seems to be this tension that sits in the air.....we just pass each other now. I love him and I know that he loves me but the lull that is between us at this point is more than just being comfortable and settled. It is almost smothering. Like being alone all the time except sharing a bed and bathroom. It makes me sad and scared. What if we don't pull out of this....what if I'm just being irrational??? I don't think so.........I think that we have let things unravel and the edges have now frayed. My question is how do you fix that? How do you reconnect?

I heard a story that a couple was walking through the woods and came upon a tree that had been struck by lightening. It appeared that the tree was completely destroyed and burnt; however, out of a crack at the base of the tree was a new sapling growing. Proof that God can take something that our carnal eye views as lost and make something new. Such is the same with our lives, marriages, friendships, careers, etc. God in his infinite power will start something new if we will only open our hearts to that fact. Only He knows what is truly best for our lives and only He can mend a broken heart or "sprout a sapling". I guess my goal for today and for the next day and the next is to trust Him. To hold on to the commitments and promises that were made almost 2 years ago. To rely on the Lord for his counsel and guidance....to trust that He will provide.