This picture makes me cry!

This picture makes me cry!
Thought it was time to change my picture

Friday, December 29, 2006

This is a first!!!

Okay, so to say that I am a total novice at this would be an understatment. I have no idea why I am even typing away at this but I just feel the need to put my thoughts down on "electronic paper". I am a 28 year old female that has gone from 380 pounds to 145 pounds over the course of a few years. I must add that it has been a LONG few years...........full of tears, trials, triumphs and hissy fits. You see I LOVE food..........I love to cook it, buy it, eat it. I grew up in a house where everything revolved around food. We celebrated good grades with dinner out, cried after a funeral over some poor old church elder's pecan pie. Special eat out days were set aside during the week. We got up and while eating breakfast talked about what was in our lunch sack and then what would be for dinner. All in all, our world was not complete without white bread, gravy, mashed potatoes and a bowl of ice cream at the end of the day!

I was a fat kid my whole life. I don't remember ever being thin, small, petite or even chunky........I was just fat. I played outside, had extraciruclar activities and joined in at recess but that didn't eliminate all the nights that I ate dinner down the street and then came home to feast on my grandmother's home cooking. Soon I could drive, then it was cheeseburgers, pizza, tacos, donuts, candy and anything else that could be consumed with one hand, behind the steering wheel of a car. I became a total fast food junnkie and I loved it too..........heck I still love it!

One thing I have realized in my quest to become thin is that every day we are faced with choices. Choices that are ours one else gets to make them and no one else will pay the consequences for them. There are things in my life like food that I LOVE but these things are not always the best choices for me. There are people in my life that I LOVE but these people also are not always what is best for me. Unfortunatley, I have used my caring heart and empathetic spirit as a crutch for many years. People hurt you, you make a decision to let them do that......then you make a decision to eat to mask that hurt. Soon you become the "YES" forget about who you are and what you want. You lose sight of what is important to you in your own quest.........this only furthers the dependency on food, alcohol, sex, drugs, etc. Learning to love yourself is the single most important thing that you can do for yourself. I know this yet I have had more trouble with this single factor than any other in my life..........this is my quest now. I would love to lose 10 more to be a size 4 instead of a to not have sagging skin and jiggly thighs but more than that I would love to LOVE myself for me.

This is my realizations have been difficult to say the least. The journey has been so full of hurt, anguish and disappointment. I found out that you don't turn into Barbie when you lose weight - thus my title! I feel more like Barbie's retarted cousin Skipper........tell me WHERE THE HELL DID BARBIE GO...........WHERE IS MY PINK CORVETTE.........MY MANSION...........MY KEN DOLL!!!!

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