I need to do a quick mind dump real quick………too much stuff in my brain!!
First, I’ve lost 40 pounds since September 1st……….I have about 80 to so don’t start shouting hallelujahs yet. And before anyone starts judging me for gaining that much weight back…….yeah, I don’t care what you think……….every one of those pounds was worth it to get my babies so I have no regrets! I’m plugging along, eating healthy, planning meals, prepping food on the weekends until my fingers bleed and basically just trying to add some good healthy years to my life for the little people that helped me put this weight back on. No longer consumed with being a size 2 or buying designer clothes is proving to make this journey more enjoyable. Well as enjoyable as drinking liters of water and eating boatloads of carrots can be. This time it is different…..I’m not miserable, I’m not thrilled either but more importantly, I’m not miserable. I’m not freaking out if I slip up and I’m not going to spend the rest of my life potentially putting my children into therapy because mommy has an eating disorder. I’m going to do the best I can and at some point, maybe not next month, but at some point I will be where I want to be. I can give you the low down on the diet in my next post……..see I’m just not consumed with it anymore.
Speaking of kids……….they are beautiful, amazing, more than I could ever deserve. They are also exhausting, inquisitive, angry toddlers a lot of the time. I have some CUH-RAZY stories to share about William that include black spray paint……yeah, maybe next time. They bring joy to the very core of my being and there are times, after the kids have long been in bed, that I have to resist the urge to go wake them up to cuddle. Funny how in the thick of things we can’t seem to find that irresistible urge to snuggle them………like at 4:00 in the afternoon when they want you to play play-doh and watch Dora and all you want to do is get some kind of dinner in the oven so you won’t all starve to death. Those times when you remind your 3 year old that mommy wasn’t created just to entertain him only to have him look at you like you have 2 heads and again ask, “mommy, play play-doh with me?”. Those are the moments that make up my life. Like I’m constantly in a hamster wheel with no way to exit………like a theme park ride that goes on and on and won’t stop long enough to let me stumble out the right side of the car so I can puke in a trash can instead of on my co-rider!
This year I’m trying hard to remember who I am……..why I am…….where I want to be. I’m a mommy, wife, friend, sister, coworker……..yeah, that is who I am but not really “who I am”. I want to love bigger this year, give more. More of myself, my time, my money, my compassion and not just to people who need it but to the people that I love. I want to bake cookies and create art projects. I want to take thousands of pictures (with my new camera)…….I want to take impromptu, silly pictures of toddler boys in super hero capes and perfect princesses playing dress up. I want to LIVE this life I’ve been given. I want to remember every single detail, every smell, every sight, every sound. Sometimes I want that so much that it almost moves me to tears…..how can I do that. How can I be the grounded, methodical, planner that I am and still be free to experience all of the joys that come with messy handprints, lazy Saturdays and camp outs in the backyard. I’m sure we all have this quandaries………if I ever come across the answer, I’ll let you know. For now, I’ll leave with you a couple of reasons why I press for the answer.