Letters to my children.....

Geez, I have a billion things I could type out here and I'm trying to sort them all out so bear/bare (????) with me. This post and the others to come will probably be moved to a seperate space in the interenet universe but for now, I'm putting it here. Here goes: To my amazing children: Sometimes in life you have a day that starts like any other day but ends with such a profound sense of sadness that you can barely breathe. A day that makes you stop and question everything about the universe. A day that makes you realize your own mortality......makes you wonder, "what will I leave behind for my children should I go before they can ever really know me?". Well I had one of those days today.....actually a few days ago. Right now you are 15, 3 & 1, respectively. Hopefully, I will live to see my great grandchildren at your age but seeing as how we are not promised tomorrow, I wanted to just tell you my story. I wanted you to know who I am.....I'm your mom and without a doubt that is the most important "thing" I will ever be but there is so much more than that. I don't know that you can ever really convey, on paper, who you truly are but I want to try. First, as I said before, I'm your mother. My deepest dream was fulfilled the minute that you were placed in my arms.....actually the minute I heard "you're pregnant". My life was forever changed and a balm was poured in to my soul that soothed every hurt that I harbored.....every rough and rocky road seemed a distant memory. That is and will always be my most important title I have. Even on days when I scream, "I swear I'm going to change my name if you say it one more time".....yeah, even on those days I know how blessed I am to be a mom, specifically your mom. I'm also a lover....you may not believe this because I've probably used the paddle on your hiney more than once but I really am. I love deep and if I love you, I love you. My emotions run high and most of the time I'm not afraid of showing them. I cry if I'm hurt or angry or sad. Sometimes I do more than cry, sometimes I sob (or ugly cry as we girls like to call it) but I'm not afraid to do that in front of people or by myself. Most people would say that I wear my heart on my sleeve and that isn't far from the truth. I know that loving comes with risks but I don't want to live my life without giving or receiving love. What kind of life would that be? Intense sadness is part of having amazing joy.....the two go hand in hand during this life. To feel the depths of such great joy I believe that you have to feel the lows of heart breaking sorrow. Those emotions are threads that run through the tapestry of our life.......creating the fabric of who we are and propelling us forward to discover the future that is laid out before us. Never be afraid to cry.....the saying "boys don't cry" is baloney. Some of the most tender moments I've ever shared or witnessed involved tears being shed by one of the men in my life. Whether they are joy or sorrow filled......tears have a language that connects hearts and souls. I guess that is enough for today. More than anything in this whole world you have to know I love you. That I am your biggest fan...that no matter where you go or what you do, somebody will ALWAYS love you....that someone is me. I love you to the moon and back, Mom