Can you be both at once??

I’ve been reading some of my old posts in an attempt to gather some kind of perspective on the girl I used to be. WOW, has time changed things. I feel like I’ve lost a lot…….my spare time, my gym time, my skinny jeans and my wit. They’ve been replaced with sleep deprivation, crappy eating habits, dirty diapers and mountains of laundry. Seriously, how did I change so much so fast??? Well I had children, that is how. I went from Super Barbie to Super Mom in the blink of an eye and while I ADORE my children and my role as their mother, there are times when I miss the old me. The one who had energy and who could make an adult laugh (I’m a pro at getting some giggles out of the toddler though). Some days I feel so lost in this insanity that is a teenager, a toddler and an infant that I forget that I’m still me. I’m still funny, I’m still witty, I’m not still skinny but I digress. How do I get back to that “girl”?? I mean, I can’t even find time to get my toes done anymore……..I spend every spare moment with a baby on my boob or a toddler on my leg. I feel like we are hanging on by a thread and this whole balancing act could come crashing down at any moment. Please don’t mistake this blog for a complaint – I LOVE my children and would gladly weigh 385 pounds again (although I don’t), lose my sanity, my wit and my skinny jeans for just one day with them. They are the reason I am me……….this new version of me. But I pose the question, is it okay to embrace the “new” me while still missing the “old” me. Better yet, is it possible to do that??

Okay, this one is short and sweet but stay tuned for tomorrow’s unfolding drama – The Terrorizing Toddler Finds the Spray Paint!! Yeah you don’t want to miss this cluster F of a story!! And people wonder why I’m paranoid??

Hello!!

I know that I haven’t been here in forever but life has not afforded me the luxury of down time since the appearance of Miss Abigail. Wait, did I even blog about her?? For all you guys know we may have gotten a new puppy!! Well, Miss Abigail Jewel Lynn is not a puppy but rather a beautiful, bouncing baby girl! Yep, on November 19, 2010 we welcomed Miss Abby Jewel into our lives. I won’t bore you with the details of the unexpected pregnancy, miscarriage and then another unexpected pregnancy that eventually led to the birth of my precious girl. I also won’t make you relive the torture that is being pregnant in Texas during the Summer while suffering through grueling all day sickness (including pneumonia). Oh and don’t forget the toddler that terrorized me through most of it. Let’s just say it was a year to remember and while I love Abby more than life itself, the pregnancy definitely finalized my decision to shut down the baby factory. Hopefully someday I will be able to collect my thoughts and share that whole story with everyone. It was quite the rollercoaster ride!

Okay, I’m stuck. I can’t even remember what I came here to blog about. So goes my life. Everything takes me hours at this point. Whether it be getting ready for work, heading out the door to run errands or just getting the kids ready for bed. Half the time I get distracted and by the time I circle back around to my original project, I can’t even remember what in the heck I was doing?? Where The Heck Is Barbie definitely has a new meaning right now. More of a literal translation at this point in my life!

Now I remember what I started this post. I’m finding myself needing to blog as a release. It used to be fun and I did it as a pastime. Now I need to blog. I’m having some serious anxiety issues which I’m assuming are somehow postpartum related……don’t ask me how I know that because I don’t want to admit to self diagnosing myself via Google. Anyway, I’m anxious all the time. Ridiculously anxious……..as in took my kids out of the car the other day while I was pumping gas. I mean, surely the chances of my toddler getting hit by a car in a busy parking lot are less than the chances of my car blowing up while I’m pumping gas, right?? Please tell me that I’m correct and my irrational thinking is really rational?? Seriously, I’m driving myself nuts. Will has had a stomach virus over the last few days and I’ve spent the last two nights holding a puke bucket in one hand a crying Abby in the other worried that maybe he had E Coli. It’s out of control so I’m sucking it up and seeing my doctor next week. I no longer enjoy life but rather see it as one mine field after another. We’ll see what Dr. H says to me – he may just tell me to quit eating so many Jelly Bellys and to start drinking a glass of wine every night. I’m not sure but I know something has to give. I cannot afford to cover up the gray hairs anymore and I really need some semblance of sanity back in my life!

So I haven’t even touched on weight, diet, exercise. I’ll pick that up in my next post. I’m weaning Abby so I’m trying to get my diet back in line. I’m not doing great at it but I’m making more of an effort than I have in the last few months. That counts for something right??

(((HUGS))) from a lumpy, paranoid, lactating Barbie!! 