Exercise Versus Effexor

Day 4 of no meds.......doing okay, hanging in there and moving along. My brain feels a bit foggy but I'm not sure if that is the withdrawls or just my lack of motivation for work......I want a vacation! I did get a real "pick me up" comment from someone who is in the same boat that I was and is working hard to lose the weight. It made me feel so great to hear that I inspired her and my "realness" offered her some encouragement. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm too real but unfortunatley for you all, I don't know any other way to be. The real deal is that I'm completely uncoordinated, somedays I HATE being healthy, I question my abilities every single day, most days I forget what I've accomplished and focus on my flaws - oh and let's not forget about my seriously screwed up food issues.........you know the ones, snorting pudding, having a lucid affair with banana pudding and my obsessive desire to visit the grocery store every day. God, some days I feel like a total mess and then I get a comment from you guys that tells me I'm okay, maybe not normal but accepted and on some small level, maybe even an encouragement. THANKS - you have no idea how much I need that reassurance that the nice men aren't coming with a snug jacket made especially for me!!

On to the topic of my post...........Effexor - hmmmm, not much to say but this shit is hardcore. Good grief - I took a really low dose and in coming off of it I'm fighting the brain fog and anxiety like a mad woman. Not to mention, I am no longer taking my sleeping meds.......I kind of miss those but not the weight that they help put on. I just miss falling into blissful, forgiving sleep - now I have to work at shutting off my brain and staying asleep. The one thing that I know is that this whole episode will be well worth it when it's over. I'm not bashing anti-depressants or sleep meds, by any means - they saved me at one time but since I have begun my exercise routine, I feel so much better and so much more positive. It is true what they say, bad as I hate to admit it, exercise is great for depression! Does that mean that I LOVE exercise - ummmm, probably not - my brain just isn't built for enjoying a total ass kicking every night. I still have to force myself to go and trust me this week, has been a real struggle. The only thing keeping me going is knowing that if I actually work my body, it will reciprocate by hopefully falling into a fitfull sleep and my body has not failed me...........sleep hasn't been wonderful and not nearly as deep but it is coming and stays around for a while each night.

It's funny because to say that I loathed exercise before, would have been a tremendous understatment. I knew the weight loss benefits but for the most part would have rather starved than move. I wish that I could confess to being one of those girls that had the motivation to work out on her own every day but I don't have it in me. I need an organized class, complete with screaming instuctor and group of sweating people - I need to look around and say "damnit, I'm as good as her so get your fat ass up off the bicycle seat" - I need the step instructor telling me "we're gonna do it til we get it right"........I need blaring music and the smell of sweaty armpits to know that I'm working it. Does that make me deranged???

One last thing and I'll wrap up this convoluted post.........I'm a little worried about my special "scale time" tomorrow. My eating hasn't been too terrible with TOM here but I could have refrained from the peach ice cream (I did finally just trash it last night so at least that is over). I also could have done better at sticking to my goal of not eating late at night.......this one is rough for me - I get home late from the gym and I'm not too hungry - when I finally get hungry and eat it's 10:00 - then it's time for bed. I've always been like this......I've always enjoyed eating dinner late, I don't know why but I just do.........I got out of this habit for a long time and somehow slipped back into it......damn - I am going to work harder on this though - I think I can, I think I can!!

I Told Him Not To but HE DID IT ANYWAY!!

Hmmmm - how to sum up the first half of this week in one word - rough! Yeah, Aunt Flo is kicking my ass right now and on top of that I am weaning myself off of some anti-depressant meds that the doc put me on last year - I am actually very excited about getting rid of the meds and can attribute my ability to do this to EXERCISE. It's the truth - exercise is better than Effexor any day!! Honestly, I have no idea why that quack doctor put me on that crap last year other than I went into his office in tears because I hadn't been able to sleep - evidently he confused insomnia and sleep deprivation for depression. Finally made it to my usual doctor and he agreed that I don't need the meds - now I just have to deal with the withdrawls...........that part sucks!

My poor sweet hubby has been amazing..........sometimes he can really suprise me with his super sensitive self. He has been very supportive and "available". He reminds me that I'm doing great and has been encouraging me to get to the gym as this really does help with the down times. All in all, I'm doing pretty good with it except for me eating...........I haven't done bad, per say, but I have been eating an average of 28 points a day..........this isn't too bad because I have been exercising but I've been consuming a lot of this crap at night...........the boredom and insomnia have gotten the best of me over the last few days. Not to mention TOM is here and like I said - she is kicking my ass!! I'm hanging in there though and today is a new day, right??? I'm a little afraid of what Friday will bring, especially since I feel like a beached whale right now.

Speaking of my Ken - he confessed last night - he googled my blog and read it..........I don't know how I feel about it really. I had specifically asked him not to read it because I needed the ability to talk openly about my "issues" without fear of judgement from anyone. He said that it made him laugh and cry all at the same time. He apologized of course and promised not to read it again...........I guess I can't be too mad at him because I probably would have done the same thing but just never told him that I did it. I guess we all have our insecurities and he did say that he freaked out a bit when he saw my post labeled "I want a divorce" - poor guy!! He really is great in the sense that he allows me to whine about my weight and obsess over food and exercise. He doesn't criticize and tells me every single day that I'm beautiful and sexy..........I know that he adores me - hell he more than adores me and for the most part I take that for granted. With all of his wonderful traits, he still doesn't fully understand my paranoia with food and fat and weight.......he tries but if you have never really experienced it then you just can't fully understand. I really do have to give him credit though - he tries so hard and God knows I don't make it easy!

I still have yet to post about the insane class on Saturday - I have to get that down because if I didn't get a good workout then at least I got a good laugh...........it reminded me a bit of Dancing With The Stars meets Sweatin to the Oldies! Watch out Richard Simmons! Gotta run - another all day meeting today.......wish me luck........must stay awake!!!

Reporting on the Weigh In

Nothing really to report - there wasn't any change from last week. I was a bit disappointed but then TOM showed up on Saturday so I just chalked it up to bloat. Today my rings are tight, pants are snug and I feel like a small whale but again, TOM just sucks! I did work out with the weights on Friday night and hit what I thought was going to be a cardio-kickboxing class on Saturday morning - ummmmm, not so much.........it was more like a lunatic lady that combined step and salsa moves - oh and don't forget the insane amount of jumping jacks, lunges and pushups we did - WOW...........really there is a funny story as it relates to this class but not sure that I'm up to getting it all down but I PROMISE to relay it to you all! Let's just say there was a class of about 20 people - one was a guy (bless his heart) and one chick looked like she was on crack - I've never seen someone bounce like that before............she scared me!

As for food this weekend - I didn't do bad but I was consistent in hitting about 28 points every day - I would like to see it a bit lower for the most part..........I really need to get my night time eating in check as that is when I seem to eat the majority of my points. I also met with my Doctor this morning and found out that one of the meds I take is notorious for causing weight gain.........GREAT - he wants me to stop taking it because hubby and I are trying for a baby - I am hoping that this will help some of my cravings........who knows though???

Tonight is the gym and then home to watch Dancing With The Stars - my son and I love this show! Gotta catch up on everyone - hope you all have a great day!

So Whatcha Think???

I have to agree with Mal - TGIF!! Oh the weekend can't get here fast enough - weigh in, on the other hand........LOL! Yep, tonight is the where the rubber meets the road - I've really been trying to track my food better and have actually successfully journaled for the last 4 days - that is a huge thing for me because I just suck at it. Unfortunatley, I've seen some scary stuff - geez how I underestimate my points - I get that comfortable mentality - you know the one........the "I can calculate and keep track in my head" mentality.........hmmmmm, well writing it down made me realize that I either need to go back to school and learn how to add or I need to start paying better attention. More accountability and less estimation - know what I mean? So I'm not going to throw my food journal out there because I don't want to retype it all but wanted to list my exercise and point totals (that I have) for this week. Not sure why I'm doing this but I think it's because I just need some reassurance that I'm doing okay. I kind of feel like a little kid who needs some comfort and attention from her parents - is this good enough, did I do good, are you proud of me??? I know warped thinking but after tracking some things and doing some soul searching I realized that I have done a poor job of keeping it in check and now suddenly I feel insecure about the choices that I'm making. I know that I'm exercising and I feel good about that but the points thing just makes me a little nervous.......so here goes - I appreciate any input or suggestions that you may have. It's funny how we all have our own little tricks of the trade and we never know what will give another person a boost!

WORKOUTS

Friday - 1 hour on the weights
Saturday - 1 hour step class with weight intervals
Sunday - OFF
Monday - 1 mile on the bike warmup and then 90 minutes on the weights
Tuesday - OFF
Wednesday - 1 hour step class with weight intervals
Thursday - 1 hour spin class

FOOD - Target 20 - 23 Points

Sunday - 22 Points
Monday - 27 Points
Tuesday - 21 Points
Wednesday - 27 Points
Thursday - 24 Points
Friday - 20 Points (planned)

My only downfall has been a few more carbs than I like - none of them are processed type things - well unless you count the veggie chips (damn those green beans - they get me every time) but I did have 2 extra low carb tortillas (.5 point a piece) and 2 servings of sugar free oatmeal (1 point packet). Oh yeah, I've consistenly had more than one serving of fruit a day....still working to get that under control - again a work in progress.

I'm crossing my fingers for something good on the scale but even if it isn't spectacular I know that I'm building some muscle! I'll report back with the outcome - one more thing - gonna do a kickboxing class in the morning - this should make for an interesting post!! Stay TUNED!

Sometimes I MISS My Old Life!

Let me start with a disclaimer about this post - I am not falling off the wagon or even feeling down on myself. I just needed to get this out and know if others ever go through this.......just chalk this up to a barbie fit and know that some days I just get lazy and tired!

Last night I was driving to the gym, sleepy from a long night and cranky from too much drama at work. I was thinking that there are days when I just hate living healthy. Now maybe you don't ever feel this way and if you don't, consider yourself lucky. I, on the other hand, find myself romanticizing the past and how I used to eat. It is very easy for me to recall the days when I would go to a hockey game and stuff my face full of sausage, peanuts, beer - only to get home crawl into bed and sleep off the greasefest that was my dinner. I remember those times and how much fun my friends and I had. How life was so uncomplicated because there was no gym, no multiple grocery store stops during the week, no chopping of vegetables and planning of meals. It was a burger and fries, a bag of candy, a tub of popcorn. The insane thing is that my life seems more consumed by food now than it did then........maybe I shouldn't say food but rather health.

Some days I feel abnormal - I don't eat at fast food restaurants. It is a pact I made with myself a long time ago and it is just something I don't break - it's a line in the sand that I don't cross. The problem is that "normal" people eat a burger occasionally or an order of fries. "Normal" people don't starve all the way through a hockey game and then get home, dead tired, only to cook a complete meal for themselves - no AB-normal people do this kind of stuff. Normal people do not calculate exactly how many calories is in each Mike & Ike and purposely only eat 4 because they are 6 calories a piece - I didn't want to waste good calories on candy that I don't really even like!

So last night I was thinking about the good ole' days - about bacon cheeseburgers and m&m's and baked potatoes at 3 in the morning. Tubs of movie popcorn and extra butter. I thought of holidays and snacking at my desk. I thought catered in lunches and fast food. I got this warm feeling in my heart - like I was remembering an old friend whom I had lost contact with. Oh how I missed him/her - the good times that we had - the love that we shared and the comfort that he/she brought to my life. Suddenly I'm at the gym and as quickly as my reminiscing started it ended - suddenly I was faced with the truth of the past. The inability to breathe, fit into a booth, buckle a seat belt. The endless teasing, the feeling of weakness and self loathing. The absolute hatred I had for myself and my 400 pound girth, so much that I stopped looking in the mirror. The endless comments like, you have such a pretty face - if only you would lose weight and feeling like no one ever saw ME for who I was - only for my appearance.

Again, I am plummeted to the present - sitting in front of the gym, complete with sweatband, water bottle and the knowledge that I am fixing to drag my raggedy butt in there and bust it. Knowing that I'll get home and go through the same routine - fixing dinner, lunches, re-packing the gym bag, etc. I also know that I'll get up in the morning look in the mirror and smile at what I see - I'll know that my body is healthy and strong. That I will be alive to see my grandchildren and hopefully their children. That people are inspired by my story (or at least I hope that I can inspire someone) and that what I really miss about my old life is the comfort that I found in the food - truth be told, I don't even remember what a bacon cheeseburger tastes like and I probably wouldn't like one now since I don't eat meat. What I miss is the sense of fulfillment that I got after I ate that crap, of being whole and okay.

Suddenly I realize what I love about the gym - it is that same sense of fulfillment that I get after I push it, of being whole and okay. My brain suddenly catches up to my body and it clicks, if only for a moment. Every ounce of work that I have poured into revamping my life has been worth it.....every extra push, every tear, every hardship has produced a victory in some form or another. Every failure and mis-step has made me who I am - who and where I am was not created by a cheeseburger or pizza; therefore, these things are not necessary for me to continue to shape my future.

This last epiphany makes me realize that I don't miss my old life so much after all....????

Tears of Anger and Sorrow.....PLEASE READ THIS!

I had a post all typed out about my semi-blah day, my weight training at the gym and just overall daily struggles but then I read this article about the KIMKINS Diet. I'm not sure if you know which diet this is but it was featured on the cover of Women's World Magazine with a tag line that read "Better Than Gastric Bypass Surgery". The creator of this diet boasts of losing 198 pounds in 11 months. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that this diet is a) bullshit or b) really, really, really unhealthy or c) BOTH. I am opting for C - I actually read the article and thought - is that a feasible diet plan?? It is a low carb (less than 20 grams), low fat, high protein diet. Evidently, the website lured people in by promising great support and weight loss advice all for the nifty price of like $60 bucks - what these people got was a restrictive, 500 calorie diet that was based on feeling semi-nauseous all the time........WTF is up with that??? That was the question that I asked myself, who in their right mind would do something like that to themselves and then I realized who would do it - ME.

That realization sickened me - now I'm not saying the me of now but the me of yester-years was desperate, scared, depressed and hopeless. I weighed almost 400 pounds and I was 24 years old. I couldn't fit in a booth at a restaurant and I lived in fear of riding in a car with someone because the seatbelt, all to often, would not latch. I rode in an airplane with no seatbelt because I was too embarrassed to ask for an extender, I couldn't ride amusement park rides, hell I couldn't walk up a flight of stairs! As sad as it sounds, my overweight friend and I would make a game out of who could dump a whole bag of M&M's in their mouth and eat them the fastest. Even as I write this I am ashamed of my behavior. Food was my drug and I like most drug addicts, was desperate to change but I didn't know how! That is how people get sucked in to these diet myths & ridiculous weight loss schemes. This feeling of desperation is how people become dependant on pills, laxatives, chemicals......OR they starve themselves.

I would be lying if I said that I hadn't thrown around the idea of how to lose the weight. I went through my bouts of eating only brocolli and even contemplated pill popping. My fear of failure and my depression at each failed attempt only provided more ammunition for my downward spiral into "diet hell". The never ending cycle of "I'll start Monday" - only to starve for three days and then down 2 double cheeseburgers, a large fry and a milkshake. After the binge, you go home, look in the mirror, call yourself every derogatory name in the book, curl up into a ball and figure out HOW you will make it work next "MONDAY". Of course then you walk down the grocery store aisle and right in front of your favorite stop (the candy racks) is a magazine that offers amazing weight loss with no exercise - this sounds appealing because a) you weigh 400 pounds - what the hell kind of exercise can you do effectively and b) you really need some instant gratification to keep you motivated - losing 4 pounds in a month ain't gonna cut it. So you dig out the $1.49 for the magazine - take it home - read it and think it sounds a little kooky but hey desperate times call for desperate measures, right? The sad thing is you will lose weight fast because you're starving and that only magnifies the need to continue on. Thus the cycle has begun...........thousands of people get sucked into this - people die because of this......because of their despair about their weight and their inability to see a better way.

The fact that people prey on this and profit from it, sickens and saddens me. I sat and read this article with tears streaming down my face. Tears for who I was and for who I struggle to be - tears for every overweight person that has been scarred by society and it's definition of acceptable. For every housewife who feels ugly, every child who is made fun or teenager who doesn't get asked to the prom......for those that feel desperate enough to go beyond what they know to be sane and sound to prove that they are worthy. I'm sorry for rambling on about this but it just hit home for me and angered me.

The article http://www.3fatchicks.com/Diets/Diet_Articles/Kimkins%3A_Anatomy_of_a_Diet_Scam/ suggests sending a letter to Dateline for investigation - I'm going to do that AND I'm sending a letter to Woman's World, letting them know how appalled I am that they would support something like this - I will NEVER EVER buy this magazine again.

Do You Ever Wonder WHY????

So after my Friday weigh in I was sooooo excited - I mean literally, I felt my pants get too big right away! Suddenly my fat jeans that I had been hanging on to for dear life were doomed for the trashcan.......now mind you these are the jeans that were the epitomy of Linus' security blanket off of Charlie Brown - but now suddenly, they were not worthy to cover my somewhat smaller ass! So I got in an hour of weights and hit the bingo hall with the in-laws! Yeah, I know, great way to celebrate my success - a smoky room full of old ladies screaming BINGO, not to mention the lovely scent that cigarette smoke and stale grease leaves on you........yuck! Of course in my excitement I told the MIL that my life had improved because I finally saw the scale move - she congratulated me but did remind me that my life is not based on the scale - she has no idea how wrong she is!!

Saturday was the step/weights class - it was fun but exhausting.........I didn't know that one person could sweat like that - now this is where I say WHY??? Why is it that I have a good weigh in and I automatically think I can indulge.......now I wasn't BAD BAD but I know that excess carbs/starch just doesn't work for me.......so what do I do - hmmmmm, consume 2 huge bowls of popcorn, a piece of cake (well 2 if you count the middle that I picked at before I iced it - I had to double my icing batch to cover the hole that I dug in the damn cake!!), too much fruit (I limit myself to 1 serving a day, on a normal day - I was far from "normal" over the weekend) and too much eating because I should. When I say "eating because I should" I mean that because all I had on Sunday was a sugarfree snowcone and popcorn, I ate even when I wasn't hungry........eating isn't bad but what I should have done is had a real meal rather than shoveling in handfulls of popcorn. All in all, I didn't go over in points really but I just made crappy choices. I was less choosy than I should have been and I have really been trying to be picky about what I put into my body - I want to fuel my body the right way rather than picking through crap just because.

So back to my question, WHY do I get that mindset after a good weigh in - like I can trick the scale or tempt fate........hmmmm let's see just how much i can get away with??? I'm not beating myself up because I am still really excited about my loss but I just wish that rather than always looking at my life as a diet of some sort, I could just see it as a way of life. I long to be the girl who just eats to live.......you know - food isn't a big deal to her..........to me, food is a part of who I am. I love to cook, I love to eat and I have no stop button. I will say that last night I did stop eating before I felt gross and over full - that was a huge change from my normal routine! The only thing that I really know is that I learn something new about myself almost every day - just when I think I have it figured out something changes - WTH!!

Today I'm totally back on track - getting back to work is always good for me! BTW - thank you all for the congrats and for being so supportive......few people really understand how insane the scale can make you!! I (((HEART))) you all!