Wonderful Wednesday - uhhh, maybe not?!

So I'm trying to keep my attitude in check but the day is already wearing on me. Things have been really busy at work and at home. They are installing carpet in my money pit of a house today so EVERYTHING is upside down. Let me just say that getting up and having to dig for clothes/shoes to go to work in was not my idea of a fun way to start the day! I just keep reminding myself that it will all be worth it in the end!

Hmmmm, on to bigger and better things....like Thanksgiving!! Have I mentioned that it is my favorite holiday of the year??? I love Thanksgiving and the time with my family. This year we are actually spending Thanksgiving with my family - it will be a first as we normally are with the in-laws but they decided to go camping this year. That is when I said - NO - not spending Thanksgiving eating spam out of a can in a freaking tent - NO WAY!!! So we compromised and now I get to spend my birthday eating spam out of a can (my b-day is the day after Thanksgiving this year)......guess I'll survive it and chalk it up to the way my birthday usually ends up. You know I love my husband and he is great but he doesn't care about birthdays. He will ask me a thousand times what I want to do but I don't want to have to plan my birthday.......hell I have to plan everyone elses so why can't someone plan mine??? Again, there are far worse things that could happen so I should stop complaining.

On the food front - I'm trying to stick to more frequent, smaller meals and I'm doing okay I guess?? Actually today I feel like I've gained 10 pounds and I'm convinced that my clothes are too tight but I'm trying to remember that this bloat caused by the hormones that the doc has been pumping me full of. If I'm not careful I'm gonna end up like one of Bo Pilgrims fat yellow chickens!

I'm off to finish up my plan of attack for Thanksgiving - I have a ton to cook and I have to make sure that I'm prepared to eat too.........my usual method has been to take 3 bites of everything that I want - you only remember the first and last bite anyway - the second bite is so I can feel like I'm cheating a bit! That really worked well for me last few years so I may stick with that theory......the problem is desserts - I LOVE pumpkin cheesecake and can never get out of making one - it's really hard to pour that much of yourself into a dessert and not eat it!

All right girls - gotta run. Have a great rest of the week.

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Here I sit on a Monday afternoon - finally getting to blog. It has been a crazy day complete with marathon budget meeting and not enough time to get it all done BUT I have had breakfast and lunch today so I can't complain. In fact over the weekend I have done better. I wish that I could say I had been perfect and really stayed the course but I did manage to get some breakfast in both days and some lunch. I'm still struggling with the eating dinner too late but you have to start somewhere right?

I just want to say thanks to all of you for your comments and opinions......even the strong ones (Swizzle - I love you for your honestly and I soooo needed a good kick in the ass, so thanks!). I have really tried to spend some time soul searching this weekend and I've come to some interesting conclusions. Because this blog is no longer private (see my post about Ken reading up on me) I can't post some things. Not to mention posting them won't change them so it's better left unsaid. The things that I can talk about are the "challenges" that I need to face which are things like my lack of goals right now. I am a goal setter and I work so much better when I have a plan. For some reason I have really fallen off that wagon. Forgive me if this sounds vain but I am destined for greatness - I told you, sorry but I really do feel like I have a divine purpose and I know that there are things holding me back. When I say things, I mean things that I can't change (people basically) so the only thing I can do is change my approach and my perception of the situation........that is where I need to get more focused. Instead of whining about things that I don't like or things that I can't change I'm going to start focusing on what I can change and how I view things. Again, don't know when I lost this ability??? I could go through the whole host of action items that I have for myself and detail out my plan but you don't need to hear it.......just know that it's there and I'm working it and keep loving/supporting me - I NEED it!

On to what I'm learning and what I would offer up to anyone losing weight or facing any tough challenge..............make gradual, balanced adjustments - what I mean by that is, there is so much more to weight loss than just clothing sizes and numbers on the scale. You can eat good, eat bad, exercise, not exercise, count points, drink water and blah, blah, blah but if you don't change the real issues then you continue spinning in that vicious cycle. Weight, size, appearance is only a cover up for the real issue.......I've always known that but for some reason I got lazy and stopped really listening to myself. I got busy listening to everything else and everyone else telling me what I needed to be doing......not anymore though. I know what to do and I'm back to doing it. Thanks again for all your support.....Friday was a really low day but knowing that you guys were out there cheering for me made all the difference in the weekend!

I heart you all!

Facing Facts....I'm back where I started....

Hi all. Let me start by saying that this post isn't a vent or a bitch session or a pity party. It is the cold hard truth and it's something that I need to admit to myself. I need to fess up and face the facts......then I need to fix it. I know that I don't have to go back in time for you all but I need to put this down for me so forgive my selfishness and let me reflect for just a few.

It started last night when I began reading a book by Oprah called "Make The Connection". In this book she publishes entries from her journal and is very candid about her love for food and hatred for herself. I was completely absorbed in her writing and (not unlike a zillion other self help books have done for me)a light turned on. The "AHA" moment set in and I started reflecting on where I am and where I've been......being honest with yourself isn't easy and can be quite humiliating. Even now it makes me cry - sitting here typing with tears rolling down my face because of my wacked out food issues. My inability to just be semi-normal when it comes to life, exercise, food and my relationship with all 3. I keep going over the same question - I'm at the gym 5 or 6 times a week but I'm not losing - I'm asking this rhetorical question more to make myself feel better than anything. I KNOW why my pants are still tight and it isn't because my ass lifted - I'm totally compensating for my exercise because of my eating habits. Now I will say that honestly, I track everything and there hasn't been one day in the last 5 weeks when I have peaked over 1800 calories and according to FitDay, I am burning 2400 to 3400 calories a day (depending on exercise) so what is the problem......well here goes. In all it ugly, humiliating, disgusting glory - here it is - the truth.

The truth is - God why is this so hard to confess - that I rarely eat during the day......I try, I really really try and sometimes I succeed in getting a salad or some cottage cheese, especially before a workout but other than that I save up all my calories for dinner - I know it's sick. This happened over the last few months, slowly evolving into what I feel like could be considered some kind eating disorder. My routine is workout - head home - pack lunches & gym bag - cook family's dinner for the next day - wash my face - put on my pajamas - take my Melatonin and then fix myself something to eat. When my dinner is done at around 10:00, I take it to the table or the bedroom (a place where I don't have to deal with anyone) and I eat in peace and quiet or in front of the tv. The problem with this is a) because I am starving I eat way too much - thus why I have to wear my pajamas to eat - b) I don't eat bad food, hell I don't even go out to eat so you can imagine how much cauliflower and egg whites one would have to consume to hit 1400 calories (I do get my milk, cottage cheese, protein shakes in so that helps) - c) I eat and then immediately pour a glass of milk and then go to bed because by that time I can barely hold my eyes open thanks to the medicine. So because I go to bed on a full stomach and after having a huge glass of water then milk - I am up 3 or 4 times a night and usually at some point will have an apple or something like that. So that is the physical aspect of it but the mental part is even worse.......I'm like a junkie, every single day I think I'll do better and every single day I fail. I eat when I'm not hungry because I feel entitled - it is my reward for not eating all day (in fact I'm generally not hungry during the day so it isn't like I'm suffering). Somehow my dinner has moved from physical nourishment to emotional nourishment....I eat alone and somehow have associated that with "me" time - I get excited at the prospect of actually eating dinner because it isn't time that I have to deal with anything......why can't my time at the gym serve as "me" time - partly because I'm doing it because I feel obligated due to my declining health habits - with food there are no strings attached - nothing is expected or required. The husband is busy doing his thing , the kid is in bed and thus there is no one requesting anything, passing judgement or even speaking to me.........basically no one is watching and I can eat until I pass out......this is really no different from my old eating habits but now I chose to binge on healthy food - well guess what sister, healthy food will make you fat too!

I know all the tricks of the trade and I really thought that I had nipped this in the bud......I thought that this demon was dead and gone - I was the new and improved Stephanie - I was a Barbie - I was okay with who I was and I didn't need food........I think I got too comfortable, I let little things come back into play and I let them slide until now I have a full blown issue AGAIN. I wish I could say that I wasn't conscious of my decisions to eat so much but I am. Every time I sit down to eat I think "listen to your body" "being stuffed feels horrible" - but it doesn't take long for me to shut that bitch up and shove her in the back of the closet, allowing the food monster to come out.

People see pictures of me smiling and tell me what an inspiration I am.....if they only knew the truth. The struggle, the heartache, the burden, the beatdown it is.......then they would know that I am failing - rebelling - jumping off the wagon and the sucky part is that for all my failures, I'm not even enjoying shit that I love like mexican food and ice cream - I'm wasting my failures on fucking cauliflower and green beans!! I can't even fail properly!!!

So now that I've written that all down, I feel better - okay not really, I feel like shit but I have to suck it up and move on. So I have decided on a plan - as bad as I hate frozen dinners that's where I'm headed. I think a week of frozen meals will help me get my portions under control, make it easy for me to eat right after the gym (no eating so late) and take the stress out of food. I really really really need a break from carrying this baggage around......I've never seen a headline about a women going mental over food but I could potentially start that trend. I'm tired of crying over egg whites and failure and stressing about carrot sticks and calories.....I feel like a prisoner - I feel like a damn maniac half the time. I want to get back to living my life and living includes eating like a normal person. I don't want to look in the mirror and see a failure anymore - I want to be honest with myself - no more obsessing about my pannus or sodium intake. Your health is 90% diet and 10% exercise - I'm going to get my diet back on track, not to lose this 15 pounds but to find me again.

Thanks for listening and for being there in blogland.

Caution - Jello is a choking hazard and plastic knives will cut your lips!

I'm sure that you are all wondering what in the hell I was on when I titled this post but both warnings are true......oh so true! Let me start out by saying that I'm glad you all love me otherwise I would never be able to actually admit this. In fact, I still can't believe that I'm going to recount the events that took place in the dark, secrecy of my car but hell if you can’t share your drama with friends then who can you share it with.

It started last night when I was driving home from spin class and realized that I could possibly DIE from hunger. I made the mistake of not eating enough during the day to compensate for the total ass kicking that my instructor was going to shell out so I was famished. I stopped at the convenient store but really…..short of eating a candy bar or a weinee wrapped in an egg roll wrapper (someone please explain that logic to me??) I was screwed. Now just last week I said, hunger isn’t an emergency BUT in this case IT WAS! I really came so close to caving and stopping at a fast food restaurant but then I thought that I would end up eating something and feeling such guilt over it that it just wouldn’t be worth it. So there I sat with an hour drive ahead of me, in the dark, with nothing but a giant bottle of water and a few sour mints at the bottom of my purse.

I did okay for about half the commute………listened to the radio, made a call to my dad (who didn’t answer) and made mental lists in my head. Before long the list making turned from “things to do” to “things to eat”…….bad news! I began rummaging through the smorgasbord of crap that was in my car (yeah, I commute 4 hours a day so I always have empty bottles, makeup, cd’s, newspapers, etc. in the floor of my car – it is my home away from home) and my fingers grazed across something that felt oddly familiar……..hmmmmm, reaching back and nearly dislocating my shoulder I struggled to pull the treasure chest from the floor. Must reach it…stretch Barbie…damn why couldn’t I have been Stretch Armstrong instead of Barbie??? After what seemed like hours of maneuvering, honks, tires screeching, swerving all over the road and numerous unkind gestures I was able to reach my prize. What do you think I pulled out?? 2 handi-snack sugar free jellos………WOOHOO – hell with the level of euphoria that was running through me you would have thought that I had just pulled out a t-bone steak! So with jello in hand I begin to anticipate eating them…..this isn’t going to be easy though….but then again, nothing worth having is easy, right? My first clue should have been the fact that the foil on top had to be ripped off with my teeth….classy, I know. So here I sit driving 70 miles an hour ripping off foil tops with my teeth……sounds like a country song! Next question – geez Barbie, how ya gonna eat that??? Hmmm, think, think – I thought of my drinking days and jello shots. Just run your finger around the rim and slurp it down – the problem is that this cup o’ jello isn’t the size of a shot – it’s a lot of freaking wiggly jello but still I run my finger around the rim of the jello (at that point I realized that not only was jello kind of runny at room temperature but it would also stain your finger a lovely shade of red). I loosen the jello and begin my slurping……damn, it’s stuck – tell me, how the hell does jello stick to anything??? Old people and babies eat jello – it isn’t allowed to “stick” to shit! I slurp again……..now I’m getting pissed off – I’m convinced that f’ing Bill Cosby is playing a cruel joke with his jello products – one more slurp and this time I’m making it count……..yeah, guess you could say that I free’d said jello and managed to suck it down my windpipe…….guess the shit doesn’t really stick after all! So picture Barbie in her crappy red Impala (ken did fix my flappy plastic piece on the door finally), driving through town at 60 miles an hour, swerving, coughing, sputtering and choking on jello. I can see the headlines now – Women dies from asphyxiation caused by jello……..wouldn’t my family be proud! After what seemed like hours I was able to clear my throat and suspend the coughing fits – it was at that point that I decided slurping jello could be hazardous to your health so I had to find another way to eat my other cup. After rummaging around in my purse I found a plastic knife (don’t ask why in the hell I have cutlery in my purse – long story). I commence to peel back the foil lid with my teeth, sip off the jello juice (it’s room temperature and evidently jello sweats…….ewwww, okay that was gross) and cut my jello into sections with my plastic knife (in my head I’m thinking, of all days to not have the proper utensils it would jello day!). I neatly cut my jello into quarters and tried to “scoop” it out with a knife – yeah right, smart one, I know. The first quarter fell into my lap – once again there was swerving and near death experiences – the second quarter made it closer to my mouth but I think part of it is buried in the crack of my seat?? I finally began using the knife to shovel it in past my lips – really after almost choking on one cup and losing half the other one all I wanted to do was taste the f’ing jello!! Is that too much to ask……damn it!

In the end I walked away with stained fingers and cuts on my lips from the plastic knife but damnit I got to eat half a cup of jello……moral of the story – really hunger isn’t an emergency and yes, it is possible to die eating jello while injuring yourself with plastic cutlery. So…….anyone have any ideas on how to get the jello stains off my fingers???

My Strange 7

1. I met my husband when I was 15 and we worked together. We basically couldn’t stand each other; although, he doesn’t recall things quite that way……….I’m telling you – we despised each other. To top that, I was at his first wedding with the best man and the best man from his first wedding was who re-introduced and became the best man in our wedding! I know – bizarre – you should see the looks that we get when they see pictures of me as a guest at his first wedding and as a bride at his second!!

2. I am a list maker but I am notorious for getting completely off track and only accomplishing a couple of things from my list. This wonderful trait comes from my mother and drives my family nuts!

3. I LOVE to cook and bake – the holidays are a favorite time for me because it gives me an opportunity to cook and give it all away!

4. I LOVE to sing and have actually made some demo tracks. I used to sing a lot on the weekends at churches, weddings, funerals, etc. but really don’t have a lot of time for it anymore. Music is something that seems to speak to the very depths of my soul and when I have the opportunity to really sit and enjoy it I like to just soak it all up.

5. My baby kitty cat, Kali is really a princess!! Oh how I love that cat…….no idea that I would ever turn into a cat person but she has absolutely stolen my heart.

6. When I was a kid I wanted to be a missionary to Africa……I know, bizarre???

7. At one point during my weight loss I thought it would be smart to wear one of those sauna suits – aka black trashbag outfit – while doing a Tae Bo video. Bad idea……..it took a pair of scissors and a few bandages to get me out of that damn thing. Who knew that black vinyl good actually adhere to your skin like that???

Well I would tag people but I’m thinking that this thing has made the rounds so if you haven’t posted bizarre, strange facts about yourself as of yet – then GET TO IT!!

Profound Moment and Surgery Decision

Maybe I should be ashamed to admit this but I am someone who can have one of those Allelujah moments while watching a prime-time soap/tv show.......that is precisely what happened to me on Wednesday night. So here's the story and how it all happened.........Halloween was over, hubby was working and kid was in bed. I sit down on the sofa to eat some dinner while turning on the TV - I know this is a bad habit but in this case it proved helpful. I'm scrolling through the 97 hours of Spongebob that we have recorded (why in the hell do I pay $100 a month for cable only to have MY favorite shows ousted by a talking sponge running around in his underwear!!!) and find Private Practice. Now before I really get into it, let me say that I have really been struggling with my body. To say that I resemble a Gumby doll that was placed too close to the furnace is an understatement. It's bad - not as bad as it could be but bad. Bad to the point of being paranoid that someone might actually see me without my clothes on (namely my husband) - I cringe when he runs his hands over parts of my body because, inspite of my neurotic visits to the gym and some improved muscle tone, the flapping, sagging pannus that I carry around ain't leaving!

Okay - back to my moment.......Addison (the doctor)is talking to a woman who to the normal onlooker has a perfect life - she has a great husband, they want to have kids, she is happy, she is young and she is in love BUT she has just found out that she is going to eventually die - some genetic thing?? The woman freaks out and bails on her husband, her dreams, her future of having children and when the doc finally talks to her she proceeds to explain that everyone has a right to their life. Okay so now you're like WTF Barbie - get a grip but I really started thinking about it. We all deserve to have our life......we deserve to be happy.....we deserve to have what we want (as long as it is within reason and we are willing to work for it). I am about to be 29 in 3 weeks and I can't remember ONE TIME in my whole life where I looked at my body in the mirror and was happy - before it was weight, now it is skin, always something. I have worked so hard and yet I'm still not satisfied so - I've decided, I mean really decided, that after we have a baby I'm getting the skin removed. I don't care anymore about what people will think or finances or recovery or any of that crap - I'm doing it for me because I deserve it. I've worked hard, I've fought, I've failed, I've rallied and I've succeeded........now I want my freaking payoff!! I'm still neurotic and a tad mental about the whole let's be healthy thing - it will probably always be work for me to stay sane and healthy but damnit, I want my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - I deserve everything that life has for me so I'm taking it!

I think that same theory should apply to all of us regardless of where we are in our diet walks.......we should leave it all on the table and take what is ours. What is ours you ask??? Health, life, vitality, love, self confidence and the pursuit of happiness, damnit!! If we take anything less than those things out of our life then we have failed ourselves - we haven't truly lived our life! We all struggle and fall apart, our lives sometimes take wicked turns and lead us down paths that we would rather not trod but in the end WE have to take control - so that is what I'm doing. I have the power to change things.....I am working on it feverishly and I think one little, itty, bitty part of my brain actually might be figuring out that I don't have to eat like it is my last meal, at every freaking meal! Roni says "hunger isn't an emergency".........wow, who'd a thunk it!!

Okay, stepping off my soapbox.....I need to hurry and have a baby Barbie so I can get my surgery and get on with living my life!! On the day 4 of the eating challenge - hmmm, yesterday was a bit of a bust - felt bad, slept and hung around soup for the most part. I did manage to really reel myself in when I wanted to get up and eat all night so YEAH for me!! Hope you all have a great weekend and that you are "living" your life!

I found cheap (calorie/point wise) chocolate & update on SIL...

Okay so I need to update on day 2 & 3 of the eating challenge but I'm skipping straight to the good stuff - you know what I'm talking about - the reason that you all are still reading this......CHOCOLATE!! Not just chocolate but points friendly chocolate!! I've actually had them before but my healthfood store quit carrying them so I had to go online and order them - they are called Chocolite and you can order them at www.healthsmartfoods.com - now I'm not going to lie to you, they are a little pricey but they are really good and 1 point for 2 pieces of chewy, nutty, chocolatey candy. So in my quest to buy candy, I also found 1 point protein bars - I'm talking 10 grams of fiber and 9 grams of protein - what the heck!!! All of that for 100 calories??? My theory was if they were only a 100 calories then they must taste like brown colored cardboard, right?? WRONG again........they were really good and filling - which is suprising since my appetite resembles the Grand Canyon on most days. I also ordered their milkshake mix which is 20 calories and 6 grams of fiber for a serving.......shake that up in 8 ounces of soy milk and 4 ounces of water - WOW!! I don't think I've been this happy since Bon Jovi's last stop in Dallas!! Seriously, you all should check out your healthfood stores and see if they carry this stuff, if not, maybe you could start a petition??

On to the boring junk - eating was okay yesterday but I didn't get to go to the gym due to Halloween so I was a little off. Not to mention, I started feeling sick and then I got my snazzy chocolate in the mail - that is just a recipe for disaster!! I did good though - I held on and stayed at about 1550 calories for the day - the problem is still that I eat when I'm not hungry. It's like my brain is in such a habit of eating dinner before bed that even if I'm not hungry I can't sleep if I don't eat. This is what warped eating patterns get you.......seriously screwed up mental disorders regarding food and how it relates to EVERYTHING. So now I have to decide - eat and sleep - or no eat and no sleep??? Again, just one of the many things that I need to work on. All I can say is that I am working on it......I do great all day and then cave at home - I'm thinking maybe I should get my jaws wired shut??

I really need to hit spin class tonight because I missed last night and I'm going to miss tomorrow but I don't know......I really don't feel so hot. I think I'm working on getting a cold or sinus infection, yuck!

One last thing before I go back into insanity land.......thank you all so much for the prayers for my family and sister in law. I honestly can feel the support through your comments and emails and it means so much. The advice and encouragement have been unmeasurable and I can't thank you all enough! My SIL did meet with her Oncologist on Tuesday and they are going to change the recipe up a bit - of course they won't do anything for a few weeks because her platelets are dangerously low AGAIN! They did remind her that she will never be cured......it won't go away. Evidently the next conversation that she had was with her 10 year old daughter - she had to explain that at some point in the future, there would be nothing left to do but cherish every moment and try to stay comfortable - basically, she is terminal.....this isn't the flu or a surgery - without a miracle, she will die - how the heck do you explain that to your child??? I am praying for a miracle - I am believing for one and I know that you all are pulling for her too. Thank you again! I {{{HEART}}} you all!