~~Fish Poop and Portion Sizes~~

Okay can someone tell me when in the hell this world became so involved in frivolous crap. Seriously, I just saw through the world's longest meeting about how much shit a school of fish can produce in a pond and how do you prevent that...........uh hello - the fish gotta go somewhere and since they don't freakin have legs I'm betting they are going to crap in the water..........good God people!! 3 hours of my life that I will NEVER get back were wasted on that meeting - wanna know who was so incredibly concerned about this paticular issue............well let me tell you it was someone who will never in her life know what it is to clean out a pond!! As I sat there in that meeting and looked around at the 10 others in the room, I could feel their brains whirring at the same speed mine were - why are we here and what did we do to deserve this???? Funny how someone with a lot of money can call a meeting and monopolize a huge portion of your day on something that has little consequence or relevance to what your actual goal is??? Know what, that sounds like the role that food plays in my life - well a good portion of the time. There are the few occassions when I manage to pull my head out of my ass and realize that cauliflower is not the new crack and can provide me no real physical or emotional satisfaction after a certain point. I mean cauliflower can and will sustain you but when you eat a head of it at a time - really how much enjoyment can you get out of that??? Somethine else that has been weighing on my mind lately - I eat mostly veggies and feel oh so justified when I sit down to gorge myself silly on steamed veggies - I think I am being so good but last night in my intoxicated state I found the courage to read the calorie content on the "good" food (once again - why the hell do we label things as good - like I'm being a good girl cause all I have eaten is 16 pounds of veggies today - seriously) okay back to my story - so I'm fairly intoxicated and why I had the inkling to to read the calorie content on f'ing frozen veggies I will never know but that is where Bacardi O gets you - note to self, becoming an alcoholic will make you so boring that you will read nutrition labels at midnight - so I'm reading and I start adding up in my head the calories that I consume eating just veggies - love me some spinach but jesus - I'd rather be having mac and cheese or pizza - so I keep adding and I reach the conclusion that in what I "spend" in eggwhites and veggies I could potentially eat like a normal person. What may you ask is the reason for my large expenditure on just veggies and eggwhites - well it is simply put - PORTION SIZE. Yep, I like to eat but I rarely get time during the day to do more than survive on breath mints and water so by the time I reach the casa I am STARVED - I'm talking "chew my arm off" hungry. Do I sit down and be a sensible diner - huh - no, Barbie doesn't even have a brain so she can't have any sense about her - so no - I run around, do 10 bazillion other crappy things that I hate but feel have to be done to prove that I am a worthy June Cleaver wanna be - I sweep, feed the animals, feed the family, power wash the driveway (okay - just kidding about that one!) but in essence I finally sit down at 9 or so only to be famished (and one armed at this point) and proceed to eat like I am an Ethiopian child who probably will eat tree bark for the next 2 weeks - god o' mighty - I live in the land of plenty but I stock up every night like a damn camel headed for the desert!! So in short, last night in my drunken state I realized - hello Barbie/Trixie/Steph - I was drunk so I couldn't get the names straight - you could actually eat like a real person rather than Roger Rabbit if you would just mellow out on your portions.......what a concept......so since yesterday I did so well in the eating department (mostly due to the drunken state - not that I am suggesting using that as appetite control cause that is a BAD idea!) I have decided that I am going to really focus on portions and be honest with myself..........that is a scary thing for me!! So this is a new.......well semi-new leg on my journey. I have visited this land before - you know the stopping at satisfied - that soft sigh that escapes when you are content but not stuffed.........yeah well I've been there - my soft sigh now is usually squashed down by the groans and belches that follow a meal or should I say THE meal of the day - God I have to make that a priority so - GOAL FOR THE WEEK - eat 3 meals a day - I deserve a lunch break so starting now I am going to make sure that I am not stock piling food in my cheeks but rather enjoying smaller portions and knowing that there IS ANOTHER MEAL COMING!!! God help us all!

Drunken Barbie???

Hi all! Thank you all so much for your thoughts and prayers regarding my sister in law. In these last few weeks I have seen our faith stretched more than I thought possible - it is amazing what one can do when pushed to the limits!

So 4th of July was great - well let me start by saying that it didn't start out so well. Things were rolling along just fine - I was doing my usual cooking (I LOVE to cook) when I looked down and realized that, UH OH - here comes the swelling. I had been on my feet too long evidently and suddently I resembled a watermelon - great - nothing like "sloshing" around instead of walking!! Of course we are headed out to some friends for a bbq and I am having a freaking breakdown - now these are my bestest buds in the world - really we have been through "THICK & THIN" together but still - who the hell wants to wear a girdle to a 4th of July picnic - ummmmm - not my idea of a good time. So I soak in a tub, lay down, exercise, push, pull and finally just have a meltdown - of course my dear hubby walks in during all of this and he was clueless - his expression was one of pure shock and absolute horror........what the hell is wrong with you and WHY are clothes thrown all over the bedroom - my response resembled that of a dying piglet - crying, wailing and shrieking.........it was bad!! So after much persuasion we get in the car and I decide that my only goal for the evening is to drink.............now girls - I am a cheap date! 1 - let me say it again - 1 drink and I am toast........not to mention that the only thing that I had eaten all day was some yogurt for breakfast........yeah - obviously at this point, I was acting more and more like a Barbie (as in brainless). So without another thought I make up my mind to get drunk.......all the while knowing that I had to work, knowing that I hadn't eaten, knowing that should I puke, I will get vomit in my hair!!!

Let me just say that 2 rum and diet cokes later and I was barely walking.........could I be any more of a baby - the only consolation to being such a lightweight is that I don't have to waste a lot of calories on alcohol. I AM glad that I remember most of everything - I clearly remember spilling corn casserole all over the floor and in the oven!! YUCK! I also remember that it was so nice not to think about how I looked..........although being intoxicated is probably not the best way to forget your beauty blue's it was nice to just let my Barbie hair down for a bit!! I hung out with people that loved me and I felt totally comfortable around.......drunk or not! We watched great fireworks - I didn't do bad foodwise and I had a great time!! So.......for 2 shots of rum, $100 in fireworks and $50 in groceries I got a great night - a sucky day but great night!

Now if all of that would have gotten me the day off today - it would have been AWESOME!!!

Barbie Stepping Down!

No folks - I'm not leaving the wonderful world of blogging but I am stepping off my Barbie soapbox for a few minutes. I haven't blogged about this before but it seems that the dark clouds continue to roll in and bring subtle reminders of what is really important in life. Hey I am all for shakin' it, flauntin' it and all the other healthy mumbo jumbo that goes along with weight loss and the lifestyle change that we are all "affectionately" embrassing (said with slight sarcasm) but when push comes to shove the real things that count in life are things like the hugs your kids give you or the way your spouse loves you just because or the laughter and tears that you share with an old friend. Movie nights, milkshakes and marathons all have their own place in the universe and are all relevant to this crazy mixed up life that we're living.



Why, you ask, am I on this paticular soapbox today??? Well in the last few weeks my sister in law (she is 39 w/ 2 kids - ages 7 and 10) was diagnosed with pancreatic and bile duct cancer. Now let me tell you she was the poster child for health. She was always the perfect weight, non-smoker, non-drinker, exercised moderatly and ate well. She has a PHd in Astrophysics - yeah she worked for NASA - she has 2 kids, drinks milk with dinner - should I go on...........basically she was the prime example of June Cleaver - pearls and sweater sets. A few weeks ago her back starts hurting - she goes to the doctor - they do an MRI - bloodwork - put her in the hospital - more tests and surgeries - a stint in her bile ducts - suddenly the C word comes out - WTF........you have to be kidding. Now she is in for 4 rounds of chemo and that is all they can do for her - WHAT - All you can do - those words barely register in our heads. The statistics for pancreatic cancer are staggering - less than 1% live over 5 years - lets see, do the math - that leaves a 15 and 12 year old child, motherless - and that is the best case scenario. She has had 2 chemo treatments and has basically been bedridden - no more teaching college or needlepoint or cooking or cleaning or watching her children's various lessons........if she had known 6 months ago would she have taken more time to live her life or would she have still poured every ounce of her being into fitting into society's mold - what everyone thought she should be???



Next saga, a friend is pregnant - she just found out her baby passed away from cardiac complications........she is an architect, a professional, she travels for work and basically lives a very nice life. She has a well educated husband, enjoys good food, is slender, dark hair - on the surface she lives the perfect life - a brunette version of Barbie but now suddenly her world is off kilter - rocked by tragedy. I can't imagine - so if she had known what would she have done differently??

I hate to be a downer but it just occured to me how caught up we all get in trying to squeeze our lives into someone else's idea of right and wrong, acceptable and not acceptable. Like I said health is primo important and so are looks to some degree but when you really think about it we should be living life to the fullest every day. Yes, that means being healthy, exercise, water, good food, etc. But it also means loving yourself just because you are you - loving the CORE of yourself - your soul - your personality - your spirit - being content.......those things make one healthy in the same way that food and exercise make you healthy.

I am really trying to put my own life into perspective - really I am the freakin poster child for vanity - I want to run over all the kids that called me Big Bertha in school - it is one of my goals to show off my new self to all those mean spirited people that hurt me - well not a main goal but a teensy weensy part of me wants to say HA - LOOK AT ME NOW BABY!!! But - in perspective what difference does it make. I am so blessed to have a wonderful family, great friends, a good job and fantastic blog buddies - some days it makes me sad to think of how much time I wasted focusing on the mean people and the bad things - I never let the good stuff in and I have a lot of wasted years.

Okay - sorry for the rant but I just needed to put it down - if for no one else then for myself. I need a reality check sometimes because there are things more important than losing this last 5 pounds or the fact that my hubby doesn't always throw himself at my feet or that my house isn't always spotless and my dog is a digging lunatic that is hell bent on digging a hole to China. My living room ceiling is caving in and the raccoons have taken up residence in my attic, all the while, single handedly, chewing through my electricity and cutting off all power to the front half of my house - I swear this house is the money pit!! Okay so some "circumstantial stuff" sucks but when you weigh it against what could be - we are really lucky to only be battling our weight.

I am now morphing back into Barbie - "I'm a Barbie Girl, in a Barbie World - Fantastic - Made of Plastic"

Whodoo the Vodoo????

The weekend was pretty uneventful - wish that I could write some great rave review of what I did but basically I sat on my ass - yep - nothing, zilch, nada, no activity. The worst part of the whole thing was - GOD IT WAS GOOD - sometimes doing nothing is better than sex and trust me this weekend it was! I watched a movie, read, slept and just relaxed. I did manage to hit the grocery store and buy myself 2 new pairs of shoes but short of that I just hung out with my cats!! Honestly over the last few weeks I have spent basically zero time on myself so I really needed the down time. This week the kiddo is headed out to camp so it will be a kid free week - THANK GOD!! I love "the boy" but he is ALL boy and basically requires constant freakin entertainment........he's 10 what do you expect and the only kid at home but God as my witness I am not cut out to be Cedric the F***ing Entertainer. I swear if I had heard, "hey, wanna play ANOTHER game with me?" one more time I was going to scream!! It doesn't help that it has been raining every day for like 2 weeks and that his dad (who is secretly a 10 year old boy in a grown man's body) was at work. Also, I refuse to allow him to sit and veg out in front of the boob tube or the video game. I try to limit his time on those things but hell what do you do when you have created every Lego Starship known to man (in my damn living room too), basically hate to read, setup the attack on Pearl Harbor via the dining room table, finished your puzzle book and are on the verge of making your mother insane with requests for ideas to tame your 10 year old boredom???? Seriously girls, I was to the point of purchasing a muzzle to keep down the noise - I was so glad to come to work today!!

As for the weigh in front - I am down an official 5 pounds from last Saturday but don't get too excited - I already knew that I was retaining a lot of water so I'm not shouting from the rooftops - it is absolutely amazing to me that I have the ability to freakin hold onto a five gallon bucket of water in my lower extremities...........it sucks and when I exercise it gets worse. I drink at least a gallon of water a day - yes - I said a gallon. Not because I like it or even because I'm thirsty but because I know it is healthy (even though it is disgusting for the most part). The water retention is actually something that I have thought about talking to my doc about - not to be gross but you have no idea how much different your "belly butt" aka pannus, can feel - sorry tmi but hey it's the truth!! All in all, my clothes are still snug but I'm working on being good and sticking with it - I know what works so I just have to keep on keeping on!

Lastly, I need to walk today but I have some severe shin splints from those damn boots on Friday. Holy God, Mother of Mary - I feel like someone has single-handedly knifed out my shins..........shit - it hurts to walk, let alone climb a hill! I tried to nurse them on Sat. and Sun. but evidently they were more pissed off than I thought - now I've got to put on my big girl panties and suck it up...........I HAVE to get my jiggly ass moving!!

Okay one question for all you girls out there - it seems that I gain weight when I exercise. I know that muscle retains water to repair itself and that muscle weighs more than fat BUT I'm not weight training and at some point the muscle has to release the water, right??? I'm beginning to think that I'm gonna have to do some kind of vodoo extraction ritual or something?? Let me know your thoughts!!

My Dogs are Barking!!

God help me, being fergilicious ain't all it's cracked up to be..........swizzle - I think my toes are more than numb but never fear I shook it with all I had.......NO ONE would ever have known that my feet were begging for mercy! So what did all that shaking get me???? Let's see I got a whistle, a yell from a homeless guy, the crazy bunny lady was out today and I think she was trying to save my pour "hookered" up soul from hell and let us not forget the lady cop that asked me "so do you always wear a hard hat" - that one kinda freaked me out!!! And last but not least - drum roll please - my beast of a husband sent me roses........"the crowd sighs - ahhhhh". Yep, I was walking into the office and this kid (swear that flower shop is breaking some child labor laws) is bringing in roses - I kind of assumed they were for me - he is famous for realizing that he "married up" (those are his words) and that he hasn't be treating me like the royal princess that I am.......hehe!! He is typically a great guy and he really does love me with everything in him, I don't doubt that but sometimes he is such a, a, a, a GUY!!! God help - somedays he is totally oblivious to the fact that anyone else exists in this whole world.........just him and his computer - so he redeemed himself today. I called and asked why I got flowers and he said he was worried when he saw how I left the house this morning - he said 1 of 2 things was going on - either I was having a major mid-life crisis or I was on the prowl for another man..........see Trixie is a GOOD thing!!

So to put it mildly - SCREW YOU BARBIE!!! My Ken may not have as much hair as yours but he sent me flowers and HE ISN'T A EUNUCH!!

Okay so one piece of advice for ALL of my awesome, beautiful buddies around here - who cares what you THINK you look like (hell I've got a pannus!!) "SHAKE WHAT YO' MOMMA GAVE YA!!!!"

Did this work???

Just testing to see if the handy, dandy "Last 10" thingie-me-bob that Jo listed works on my page??? Hmmmm - guess time will tell?? By the way - My FEET hurt but not gonna think about that until after the construction site cause I got some shakin' to do!!! Be back soon!

Say My Name B!!

That is what Trixie said to Barbie this morning as she held her down and showed her who was boss - yep that's right girls!!! Got up this morning only to look in the mirror and think - ACK - what the hell happened to you last night - Barbie started in with her mantra of you look like you fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down........God the voices in my head - haha!! So I drug my self out of bed and got in the shower - feeling rather bloated and blech & then it HIT ME (no literally the damn soap holder fell off the wall and hit me in the head - YOW!) so I took that as a sign. I suddenly realized that while yes, I would love to have Barbie's perky boobs, tiny waist, toned plastic body and perfect bleach blonde hair, the best I got is Trixie in a pair of rhinestone jeans and a stiletto heeled boots so what did I do - I know you are all waiting in anticipation. I got out of the shower and marched to the closet to drag out my FERGILICIOUS OUTFIT!! Yep I am now sitting in my office on casual Friday wearing spike heeled boots, sparkly jeans, a scoop necked top and this really cute hat............I feel great but I look more like I'm going to the disco??? People are kind of staring and wondering "Where the Heck is Steph??" I don't give a damn though - today I ran over Barbie in my crappy old Chevy Impala and I made her shut her mouth!! Unfortunately, I realized when I got to the office that I have a few meetings that I have to walk to sooooooo Barbie may get the last laugh as I soak my feet in epsom salt tonight but for right now I feel like a million bucks - I may look more like a 5 dollar bill but I feel like million - haha!! Nothing like "hookering" it up to make you feel better about yourself - even the guy at the gas station paid me some extra attention - you got it, he tried extra hard to sell me one of those greasy bacon sandwiches that he prepares every morning, ewwww. And IF he didn't smell like bacon grease and look like he dipped his head in a vat of it, I might just be flattered........I'm kind of thinking that this guy is really desperate to sell bacon sandwiches but like I said, I'll take it anyway I can get it.

So I'm off to my first meeting at City Hall - this should be good. Then I'm off to a construction site - those trips are always fun cause those guys would whistle at ET coming down the road - so I'm figuring by the end of the day I will feel less like a used up soccer mom and more like ME and/or Trixie - either way, I just gotta get out of soccer mom mode and get back to loving my life.

Have a great day all - I'll be back to report on my feet soon!!